The most important thing that you can do when first meeting someone is learning their name. Pronouncing it correctly and honoring potential nicknames is necessary, too.
Trying to skate past this in a romantic relationship would be wild, side-eyed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor throwra-griefcloak recently had been thoroughly weirded out by her boyfriend’s behavior, as he’d started to call her a wide range of women’s names that were not her own, even when she told him to stop.
But she told him she’d have to block him if it continued, she thought that was the end of it, but when he stopped using her real name again, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what would send the right message.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for being upset that my boyfriend refuses to call me by my real name?”
The OP was weirded out when her boyfriend started calling her by the wrong name.
“A few days ago, my boyfriend (31 Male) started calling me (29 Female) ‘Matilda,’ referring to that cake scene where she overeats.”
“At first, I tried to ignore it.”
“When it continued, I told him clearly that I didn’t want to be called that and asked him to stop.”
The OP’s boyfriend continued to push the issue.
“After that, he began calling me different names every time he spoke to me, such as Vendela, Anna, Jessica, etc., instead of my actual name.”
“I told him multiple times that this makes me feel stressed, but it hasn’t stopped.”
“I spent the weekend visiting my dad, and during that time, he continued texting me the same things.”
“Eventually, I called him and said I would block him if it didn’t stop.”
“He agreed and sounded understanding, so I thought the issue was resolved.”
But the problem did not end there.
“However, shortly after, he once again started not using my real name.”
“I don’t want to escalate the situation, and we’re going to see each other again soon, but I’m not sure how to handle this when my boundary doesn’t seem to stick.”
“Am I overreacting?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some found this to be a very weird hill for the OP’s boyfriend to “die on.”
“This is lowkey so weird, like, what’s he trying to achieve?” – Truecrimejunkieeee
“NOR. This is insane.”
“It sounds like this guy is sixteen, because this is totally middle school behavior.”
“The fact that the dude is 31 is appalling.”
“I don’t even say this lightly, this man is an immature child. NOR.” – Last_Fix_9764
“NOR. Yikes. Immature AH. You’ve expressed your boundary, and he walked all over it. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker. It would be for me.” – ThrowaMac1234
“He wants to end the relationship, but wants her to do it.” – ms_wundelrich
Others wondered if this might be a sign of infidelity.
“He’s trying to make her immune to him calling her the wrong name accidentally, which implies that there’s a reason he might call her by another woman’s name.” – PFyre
“Sis should get an STD check and move on.” – iopele
“My theory is he is cheating and worrying about calling her the wrong name, so he started this bulls**t to potentially cover for himself.” – Key-Airline204
“I have two theories about what is happening here, and neither of them is good.”
“The first red flag was the fact that he was calling you ‘Matilda’ BECAUSE of the cake scene (which did not even involve her, and was not a scene of overreacting, but punishment, but I digress). This suggests to me that he’s digging at your eating habits or your weight or both. He’s shaming you.”
“Then he started calling you by various women’s names. I’ve seen a few suggestions in the comments that he’s calling you lots of different names, so if he slips up in the bedroom, he’ll be able to joke it off as some weird ‘habit’ he’s developing.”
“Unfortunately, I don’t think they’re far off. I think he’s either covering for himself and his cheating by calling you different names, or he’s shaming you and your body, and by calling you different names, he’s cueing to you that he believes he can do ‘better’ than you.”
“To me, either way, he’s cheating. He’s either already cheating, or he’s emotionally, imaginatively cheating with someone, or he wants to. None of those are qualities you want in a boyfriend.” – TheBookishAndTheBard
Most urged the OP to stop putting up with this behavior immediately.
“NOR. Why do people regularly put up with partners who constantly make them upset or miserable?”
“If someone refuses to respect your boundaries or wishes, or even your name, they do not respect you and do not deserve one more moment of your time.”
“OP, you spoke with your boyfriend. You requested multiple times to stop. You even threatened to block him. He started again.”
“Why would you put up with his daily amusement at harassing or antagonizing you? Cut the cord. You deserve better than this aggravation.” – Traditional_Fan_2655
“Well, he’s definitely acting like a child and trying to antagonize you at this point.”
“You’re going to have to escalate the situation if he won’t respect your boundaries. Either ask him why he’s doing it or tell him to stop again, but if he’s not willing to listen to reason, you might want to consider breaking up.” – Neveronlyadream
“He’s trying to push to see what all he can get away with in this relationship, and it’s a form of gaslighting.”
“When he continues to do something she specifically asked him not to do, he’s basically pretending she never asked him to stop.”
“People like this guy will also say things like, ‘It’s just a joke,’ ‘You’re too sensitive,’ and ‘It’s not that big of a deal,’ because they want you to question your own reality and feelings.”
“Then the victim becomes confused, and they start to wonder if they’re making a mountain out of a molehill. They might convince themselves they must not have explained to their partner well enough that it bothered them, because someone who loves them would never purposefully mock or demean them, right? Right?”
“They lose self-confidence and feel insecure; they start to pretend it doesn’t bother them anymore. They tell themselves they must be going crazy to feel this way.”
“And the perpetrator gets to maintain the upper hand in the relationship. Their need for power outweighs any regard they might have for their victim’s feelings. It’s controlling, toxic, and emotionally abusive.” – velvety_chaos
“This dude is definitely testing the boundaries like some four-year-old to see what he can get away with before he does some major bulls**t.”
“If you want to be patient, block him and take a communication break. If it continues (boundary pushing), maybe find yourself someone who acts like an adult. Myself personally, I’d stomp all over this relationship and move on.” – Particular-Crew5978
“OP, continuing to call you names other than your own, when you specifically asked him not to, is a form of gaslighting. He’s essentially pretending you never asked him to stop and/or claiming you’re making a big deal out of a harmless ‘joke.'”
“Doing something he knows you hate is dismissive of your feelings and shows contempt for you; he is toxic, purposefully mocking you/your feelings, and violating your boundaries.”
“In essence, he knows it bothers you, and he ENJOYS that it bothers you. It’s a little power trip.”
“He’s getting a kick out of bullying you by doing something that he knows you’re bothered by.”
‘OP, your boyfriend’s a bully. I’d say you’re underreacting. Dump him.” – Key_Computer_5607
“NOR.”
“You understand that he is getting joy from hurting you, right?”
“He gets a sense of power by making you feel small and unsure of yourself.”
“This is not the type of person to keep in your life, even as an acquaintance, let alone a romantic partner.”
“The best part about a long-term romantic partner is that you have someone always on your side. Back to back, you can face whatever life throws at you. They should be trustworthy and completely dependable.”
“You know that this person isn’t those things. They aren’t on your side. They aren’t trustworthy. They aren’t loyal.”
“Just message them, ‘I’ve realized that you’re not the kind of person I want for a boyfriend. I’m not going to be seeing you anymore.’ Then block.” – HappySummerBreeze
“NOR, but I will say this: the boundary doesn’t stick because you’re not making it stick.”
“YOUR boundaries hinge on what YOU do in response to his s**t, not what he does in general.”
“So while you have done a good job with communicating that you don’t like the behavior (I don’t want to have it seem like I’m s**ting on you), you need to draw that hard line and stick to it.”
“If that looks like, ‘Stop or it’s over,’ then you need to say that and stick to it. If that line looks like blocking him, do that and stick to it. If you’re scared to escalate, nothing is going to change. You need to go that step further in order for him to see that it’s not just a game that you’re going to put up with forever.”
“Now you don’t need to be super rude or anything, but set your boundary, set the consequence if he crosses it again, and then follow through and keep following through if he chooses to continue.” – toxickitty238
The subReddit was puzzled by the boyfriend’s behavior and hoped that the OP would not continue to put up with it. Whether it was a weird joke, boundary-pushing, gaslighting, or a sign of cheating, it didn’t matter, because it still demonstrated a boyfriend’s lack of respect for his girlfriend, and the OP deserved better.