As heartwrenching as it might be, there are always going to be some people who will only look out for themselves.
When they only reappear when they want something, that can be a clear indication, pointed out the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Dapper-Mine-2642's father walked out of his life when he was five years old in favor of a woman he'd had an affair with.
When his father came back into the picture to provide for his second family, the Original Poster (OP) immediately refused to help.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to take care of my deadbeat father's affair family after he's gone?"
The OP hadn't had a relationship with his father since he was five years old.
"My deadbeat father walked out on me, my mom, and my sister when I (21 Male) was five years old."
"He had a whole affair with this woman, and he wanted to be with her. He had nothing to do with us. He didn't even come to my sister's funeral two years later and never went to see her when she was sick in the hospital. He also never paid for a thing and resisted child support like crazy."
The OP's paternal grandparents stepped up in a way that his dad never did.
"When it became clear my deadbeat wasn't going to help at all and had no intention of even paying, his parents, who had a strained relationship with my mother after he left because they wanted her to stay open to taking him back, stepped up and provided for us when we needed it."
"They also said I would be the one to inherit when they passed. They had it set up from the time I was 10 years old. So my deadbeat gets nothing and the other kids he had with his affair partner get nothing, either."
"I knew when my deadbeat had other kids. I have never considered them siblings. My sister died when we were just kids, and she will forever be my only real sibling. I grew up having nothing to do with him or his affair family."
The OP's dad only tried to reconcile when he became ill.
"Then last year, he reached out to me because he was diagnosed with cancer and wanted to reconcile."
"I refused to even answer him, but he went to my grandparents, and they told him I wanted nothing to do with him, not even on his deathbed."
"They hadn't had a relationship with him in a decade at that point, but when they heard he was sick, they did reply, and part of them hoped it would mean he'd back off of me."
The OP's father expected the OP to care for his second family when he died.
"My deadbeat is now in the know about the inheritance stuff and the fact my grandparents have found a way that they can't sue for anything. But even though they know about it, they get nothing from the estate. Even if my deadbeat were alive, he'd get nothing, but he will be dead before them."
"This made him reach out to me, and he begged me to make sure his affair family is okay when he dies. He told me he and his affair partner made bad choices in the past and he wants to be sure the kids will be fine."
"I ignored him at first, and then he pestered me about it, so I replied that I want nothing to do with his affair family and won't help ever."
"He got hysterical via text and DM about this and told me his family is innocent and I should try to know them and help if they ever need it."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his biological father didn't deserve the favor.
"It's funny how his family is 'innocent,' and yet he walked out on three innocent people, and when his daughter, a child, was dying, he didn't give a s**t. He also didn't pay child support for his innocent children because it was his duty as a father."
"Now he's trying to fight for his affair children to be provided for? No way. NTA." - silkonat
"I want to point out that the money he's mad about is inheritance money. Not money the deadbeat dad earned himself. So he's being awfully entitled about money that was never going to be his." - Schlemiel_Schlemazel
"NTA. He spent your whole life ignoring you and now expects you to clean up his mistakes. You owe him nothing, and it's not your responsibility to fix the consequences of his actions." - Informalarrival678
"Oh my god, NTA. Like, seriously, this guy has some nerve. He ditches you guys, doesn't even acknowledge your sister's passing, and then pops back up when he's dying and expects you to care for the family he created after abandoning yours?"
"That's insane. He made his bed, and now he can lie in it, along with his affair family. You owe them absolutely nothing." - Bloomcovee
"People freak out on their deathbed. if most people had those realizations all along, the world would be a better place."
"He still doesn't care about OP. He wants the money OP has to take care of his other family. He probably hasn't saved or provided in any way for them." - furandpaws
"OP. You know you are not wrong and you are NTA, but I get that you want assurance. I am 100% certain that everyone here will tell you that you are not the AH and are not obligated to take care of your father's other family, especially when he never took care of you or your sister, who did get sick and passed away."
"You do not have to make up to his current family for him being a s**tty, s**tty human being. No. His own parents don't speak to him. He is a loser who made his choices, now his family gets to live with them. That's how it goes. Karma."
"Keep saying no. You owe him literally nothing. Block him so he can't keep contacting you and move on, again, with your life. Hugs!" - BecGeoMom
"There's no greater source of audacity, entitlement, and hypocrisy than cheaters and deadbeat parents…" - Doc-Eldritch
Others pointed out the OP was treating the affair family no differently than his dad had treated his first.
"Just say, 'I'll provide them the same care you gave to your firstborn daughter as she died in hospital. The same involvement you had with her funeral will be shared back to your new family from me.'"
"Send, block, and forget he ever existed at all."
"NTA." - BulbasaurRanch
"Oh, but he's changed! He sees the error of his ways! He wants OP to know he's a better person now!! Because, you know... FAAAAAMMMILLLYYYY!"
"Ugh. Don't ever do a thing for that family. He never did and never would do anything for yours." - 2_old_for_this_s**t
"He walked away from you for his new family. He didn't even care when his daughter was sick and died. He refused to pay child support. His second wife can get a job. If her kids are minors, they can get SSI. You owe him nothing. NTA." - danicappsfan
"NTA. Your father abandoned you and your family, showing no remorse. His sudden concern for his affair family is manipulative, especially after ignoring your sister's death."
"You have no obligation to support people who played no part in your life, and your inheritance is rightfully yours. His plea is self-serving, not genuine. His actions speak louder than his words." - FuzzyDewdropWish
"NTA. Tell him with all the child support he didn't pay, they'll be fine." - girlwithdog_79
"I guess he doesn't realize that he is shoving his preference for his affair family right down OP's throat. I guess rather than worrying about his inheritance; he should have used some of the child support money he never paid to get himself a life insurance policy so his family would be taken care of if/when he died. Too late now, but it is not OP's problem." - CommunicationGlad299
"The affair family got OP's father in the divorce along with his salary, the child care money, and his love and affection."
"OP got the grandparents (and their money). Even Steven. No takebacks." - Major_Emphasis_6415
The subReddit was completely disgusted by how the OP's father had abandoned his entire first family in favor of a new one created from an affair with no thought given even to child support.
But when the OP's sister passed away as a child, and his father gave her not a passing thought, that sealed the deal for the OP that he owed his father nothing. His father only wanting something when he was similarly ill only served to be ironic.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp