Content Warning: Cheating, Affair Baby
People generally have really strong opinions when it comes to monogamy and cheating, especially when the relationship involves breaking up a marriage.
But if being cheated on is hard for a person to get past, imagine being born the product of an affair and having to live with that, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SignalHope1009 was blamed her whole life for breaking up a family because her father had cheated on her half-siblings' mother with her mom. Everyone shared this sentiment, including extended family like her paternal grandmother.
So when she accidentally was given the jewelry her paternal grandmother left for her oldest half-sister, the Original Poster (OP) was reluctant to give up this one indication of her being family.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to give my half-sister any of our grandmother's jewelry after they excluded me for years?"
The OP had a very complicated childhood.
"I (24 Female) am the product of an affair. My father was married when I was born, and his marriage fell apart because of it."
"My mother did not know my father was married originally. They married after my father's divorce because at the time my mother could not support the two of us by herself and being an unmarried pregnant woman was a major cultural taboo for her."
"My dad eventually divorced his now ex-wife, and his three kids, my half-siblings (32 Female, 30 Male, and 28 Male), have always resented me for it."
"I understand, what happened between our parents was messy and destroyed their happy family, but I was just a baby, and they've punished me for it my whole life."
"My father spent the majority of his time home (when he actually bothered to come at all) trying to make it up to his children/my half-siblings when it was his time with custody."
"As far as I am aware, my mother never treated them poorly. They tended to ignore her and she did the same when they were around our house."
The OP's half-siblings made it clear that they would not accept her.
"Growing up, they excluded me from everything. They didn't want me around, made cruel comments when I was, and acted like I didn't exist unless they were making me feel unwelcome."
"The worst part was when my mom passed away when I was 19. While I was mourning my mother's death, they openly celebrated."
"I found out they made jokes about how 'the trash took itself out' and threw a party less than a month after the funeral to celebrate it. That broke me, and I've been no contact with them for years over it."
The OP's paternal grandmother also did not accept her.
"Our shared grandmother wasn't much better. She wasn't outright cruel to me, but she clearly favored my half-siblings. They spent vacations and summers with her, while she barely acknowledged me."
"She also made it known on more than one occasion that she wanted her jewelry to go to my oldest half-sister (32 Female) when she passed away as the oldest female grandchild in the family since she never had any daughters of her own."
"It was well established to everyone that knew her that this was her intention."
"However, she didn't leave a notarized will, so legally, her estate went to my dad as her only child."
The OP's father went against his mother's wishes for the jewelry.
"To my shock, my dad gave the entire jewelry collection to me. He said he regretted how I'd been treated by the family and wanted me to have something meaningful."
"It was the first time he had ever done something to truly acknowledge me, and I was floored."
"Now, my half-siblings are furious, especially my oldest half-sister. She's demanding I give her some of the jewelry, claiming that since she was closer to our grandmother and she had always intended for her (Sister) to have it, it's unfair that I kept it all."
"She even said I 'wasn't really part of the family' and has been calling me selfish and accusing me of 'stealing' what was rightfully hers."
The OP stood up for herself.
"I refused. I told her that after years of being treated like garbage, I'm not giving up the one thing my dad has ever done to acknowledge me."
"She accused me of being bitter and petty, saying I'm using this to punish them for things that happened years ago."
"I'll admit, part of me feels like I'm finally getting some compensation for their horrible treatment of me. But the other part of me wonders if I'm being petty or cruel by keeping it all when the others were so much closer to her."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some called the OP NTA and said that they would lean hard into the "bitter and petty" accusations.
"If Grandma couldn't be bothered to make a will she knew it would all go to her son. She obviously didn't care that much."
"Who cares if OP is being petty, she's earned the right to be as petty and vengeful as she likes. They're reaping what they sowed. If they'd been at least civil instead of dancing on her mum's grave, maybe OP would be open to sharing. But they weren't." - Beth21286
"I'd tell her right to her face that she's right, that I am bitter, petty, and punishing them. Then I'd tell her it's what they deserve after the way they treated you. Keep the jewelry." - Peggy-Wwater
"NTA. Does anyone else find it highly ironic that the half-sister accused OP of being bitter and petty? I mean, they threw a party when OP's mom passed and said that the trash took itself out for Pete's sake!"
"The half-siblings f**ked around, found out, and now they are reaping the consequences of their horrible actions." - bookishmama_76
"NTA, next time they ask, tell them, 'Maybe you weren't actually close to grandma enough for her to make a will. Maybe grandma secretly loved me and told dad to give me all the jewelry. Now stop bothering me,' and then block them." - Electronic_Ladder398
"H**l, no, f**k that. The only person not an AH in the story is the OP, assuming it's genuine."
"A bunch of grown-a** adults ganging up on a literal child over something they have literally zero control over, and that doesn't make them as**holes? F**k that noise, champ." - LeButtfart
Some reassured the OP that the real AH was her father, not her.
"Your dad is the a**hole in every sense. He had the affair; they are right in being angry about that even if isn't fair to blame you. They should be doing more to blame him."
"Second, your dad has clearly done nothing to protect you from the consequences of his actions. If his family didn't want you around then he should never have put you into a position to be abused by them."
"Again, they are rightfully angry. You should have gone your life with minimum interaction with them but he forced you to be around them until you were an adult who could legally cut contact without his say."
"Third: He should not have given you that jewelry. If his mother hated you then it was a grave insult to her memory to gift you that stuff. They are, again, right to be angry. Not angry with you, but to be angry. He created this drama and now you're suffering the consequences."
"I should point out that gifting you jewelry is s**tty to you, not just his family. Your life has been s**t because of his mistakes. Does a bribe really fix that? Can he buy your love and forgiveness? That isn't compensation."
"He tossed you a hot-potato drama bomb and he should have f**king known it. It's f**king obvious." - TheSupremeAdmiral
"OP, your dad s**t the bed and then made you lay in it. Now he is s**tting the bed again. Your dad is a drama and irresponsibility."
"I know this isn't your fault at all, but by your dad's actions, he has made you the catalyst for your stepfamily's woe."
"You are NTA, your dad knows the other hand is." - good_enuffs
"Dad is a scumbag. He gave OP cursed jewelery. There's no way his mother would have given OP those jewels on purpose so her shade is roughing them up from beyond the grave."
"He could have given OP money from the estate or literally anything else, but he chose the jewelery his eldest child had been promised her whole life. His mother trusted him to divide her estate as she had openly wished."
"I hope OP doesn't fall into the trap of trusting her dad after this. He'll sell her out for anything too." - IllustratorSlow1614
"What is holding on to it going to do for you?"
"In my personal belief, your dad is throwing you under the bus because you're an easy Target versus him who actually inherited your Grandma's stuff. He's using you to take the attention off himself and he sounds selfish."
"An adult at his age is someone who should know better. He's ultimately the AH for playing these games."
"I am not like your step-siblings but I understand the hurt. My family situation blew up quite a bit differently. My dad cheated and the affair child is three months older. He does favor his other children and I barely met him."
"I have no connection to that side of the family and my oldest sibling has a different relationship with that side than me. That whole situation really hurt my brother who saw my dad as his father."
"Which is why that's my opinion. I still don't agree with how they treated you. Me and my half-siblings actually get along really well but that's thanks to other reasons."
"For your dad's own Mom to not take his side to such an extent makes me question the details of the situation. Usually MIL takes their child's side and not the other parents."
"I don't believe people should cause harm even in situations like this. That inheritance isn't just about the Jewelry there's probably sentimental value. If hurting them like that brings you that much closure then I'm not one to judge."
"That's just me." - dontsayalexie
While others understood how the OP felt, they felt it was wrong to disrespect someone's final wishes.
"The jewelry is yet again the dad being s**tty to his other kids, yet making OP the target of their ire."
"The jewelry won't ever make up for what happened, to OP or to the other siblings."
"OP can decide if she cares about the relationship at all. If not, she can keep the jewelry. If she does care, she can choose what to share with her half-sister, as a good faith effort to repair that."
"None of the kids were at fault, but they're all getting the s**tty repercussions. Of the dad failing everyone, and of grandma making promises without making a will." - notthedefaultname
"I mean, you have to acknowledge that going against a person's last wishes is disrespectful and petty. But ultimately, this is all on your dad. He did this. He cheated and he didn't help any of his children (from either mother) healthily process and move on from it." - 123_LGB
"I might be in the minority, but your father was wrong for giving you the jewelry. If everyone knew it was to go to the eldest granddaughter, he should have given it to her." - Impressive-Sky3250
"YTA. (But obviously, your dad is the biggest one.)"
"Disregarding someone's wishes after they die is so disrespectful and gross. That jewelry is sentimental and was promised in a relationship that was separate from your own."
"Just because you were treated poorly doesn't give you the excuse to act poorly. It isn't karma or reparations for your childhood; you want to hurt them."
"How you act now says a lot about your character… would your mom be proud? How would you feel if someone disregarded her last wishes?"
"Remember, Michelle Obama said, 'When they go low, we go high.' You need to do that now."
"Rise above them. Be better than them." - LinDiesel23
At the end of the day, everyone could empathize with the OP that she had been blamed for something that was not her choice and not her fault and that she deserved to have a better life than the one that she'd had.
However, keeping the jewelry would not heal all of those old wounds and would not make her situation any better. Plus, keeping the jewelry meant knowingly going against someone's final wishes, whether they had a good relationship or not.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp