"Am I the a**hole for getting mad at my husband for having a WhatsApp group named after a bullied girl coworker?"Before we get into the husband, this WhatsApp group, or the bullied coworker, lets go over how AITA works. The subReddit is there to help people work through those moral grey-area moments when they're not sure if they were the bad guy or not. People will share their situation as a post. Other users respond to the original poster ("OP") in the comments, also casting a vote for the system to tally. Voting Options Are:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
"This is my first post ever and English is not my native language, sorry if I don't explain myself correctly."
"I'm a 29 year old woman. Husband is a 32 year old man. Girl coworker is 32. (I'll name her Stacy)"
"We've been married 5 years now and I've always thought that my husband was respectful to women no matter what - until this incident."
"I'm terribly disappointed and confused. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting but this situation affected my emotions over him more than I could possibly imagine."
"My husband and I were chilling, watching TV, I was resting my head on his arm when I started feeling over and over again his smartwatch vibrating on me."
"It was difficult not to look at the notifications he was receiving. I tried to ignore it a few times but the messages were unending so I couldn't avoid reading that they were from a WhatsApp chat group named something like 'The fathers of ...'
"I laughed and asked him what was that group about, he showed me the complete name of the group 'The fathers of Stacy's daughter.' "
"He explained he and the other members that make up the group (all men) have a pregnant coworker that is having a baby girl. In the beginning the chat was some kind of club for bullying Stacy."
"Supposedly it was named like that out of sarcasm. Like when little kids tell each other 'There goes your girlfriend' referring to a bullied girl for her looks.""He implied she deserve it because she has a bad attitude at work - and also because she's ugly and fat."
"He was laughing and telling me how funny that was, expecting me to laugh too but I didn't. I got mad and told him how disappointed I felt."
"I told him that I couldn't imagine how it must feel if my male coworkers would ever make fun of me like that."
"I tried to explain how childish and stupid he was. He didn't accept it and said that at some point they stopped talking about Stacy's pregnancy and just kept the name of the group because it was funny."
"He said I was overreacting and that he would never show me anything from his phone ever again. He couldn't understand why I wasn't grateful that he showed me something funny."
Reddit had her back on this one."NTA."
"Congratulations, you got to see how cruel and immature your husband is first hand. This is not funny, this is bullying."
"Fair warning that if he does this to others, there's a good chance he's done this about you."
"Of course he said you were overreacting. How crazy of you to react negatively to his bad decisions. (sarcasm)"
"He just broke your trust in him, and had the audacity to tell you that you were wrong for feeling upset. Nah to that." - anchovie_macncheese
"Ugh. NTA." "The behavior is so gross! You are absolutely right in your anger." "What your husband is participating in is toxic behavior. I don't have advice for you since I don't know him or your situation, but be sure to trust your instincts!" - Lady_Darkrai "Noooo NTA. That's so f*cking gross." "These men are toxic. I see misogyny, fat phobia, bullying, exclusion, and incredible levels of shallowness." "Like, who cares about her looks? She's your co-worker not your date." "None of them know how to behave professionally or even with basic human decency. These are adults?!" "How f*cking hard is to go into your office and do your work without harming your co-workers? Like, this is the sort of shit that spurs suicides. Sickening, truly." - GobsOfficeMagic"NTA"
"Your husband and his coworkers made fun of another coworker because she is 'fat and ugly.' "
"That’s the kind of person your married to. One who thinks it’s okay to mock someone for their weight and looks."
"Yeah no; you're completely justified to be angry and disgusted here." - JudgeJedd100
"NTA - this is very revealing of how your husband really feels about women and how he treats women other than you."
"You need to start watching out for other signs of misogyny, like whether he expects you to be the boss of the cleaning, whether he acts entitled to your free labor (like cleaning, cooking and doing the laundry) and also how he feels is appropriate to speak."
"It might not be just women other than you." - ImFinePleaseThanks"He's never showing you anything again? I'd bet money it's because he's chatting wham about a whole bunch of women on there, including you."
"Your husband is a cruel bully with a hefty dose of misogyny mixed into his 'jokes' and I have no idea how you can move on from this, especially as he doesn't seem sorry about it."
"NTA." - tainkirrahe
"NTA - Your husband likes to bully this woman and laugh when others do so as well." "There's really no good spin for this. This is your husband, the man you chose above all others to be married to. I think you're right to have concern about that." - NomadicusRex"NTA."
"Are your husband and coworkers still in middle school or high school? Do they take Stacy's lunch money (or other coworker's food from the company refrigerator)?"
"Good for you to stand up for 'Stacy.' No one deserves to be bullied." - CaptCaffeine
"NTA. I'm so sorry you discovered that your husband has this cruelty within him."
"He's not taking accountability for his actions, he justifies them with irrelevances (who cares if someone has a bad attitude), and is clearly a pig."
"You aren't overreacting and you shouldn't have to explain why this is a f*cked up thing--if you need to paint a scenario with you as 'Stacy,' then your husband lacks empathy big time."
"Your anger at him is more than justified, and I am curious if any of the men at his workplace also have "bad attitudes." Sounds misogynistic to me, tbh."
"Your reactions and feelings are valid and justified. I'd suggest talking to a therapist or TRUSTED friend/family member in order to work all of this out instead of bottling it up."
"This might even open your eyes into some of the ways he treats you. I wish you peace." - modernwunder
"NTA. If this is what he's freely and laughingly sharing, imagine what else is on there and what else he does."
"They're being vicious about that poor woman. That they think she doesn't know (I'm sure she knows they hate her) only makes it dumber, not less malicious."
"This tells you who he is, if ever he's mad at you or you guys break up, that's how he'll act towards you." - Timmetie
"NTA. This is one of those things that would make me reconsider the relationship. He clearly sees nothing wrong with it, which is very concerning." - mnlxzy Several of the commenters seem to believe this woman has problems on her hands that are much bigger than just her husband's group chat. But everyone was clear she was not the a**hole.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.