Peeping in your partner’s devices without their consent is one of those things that is pretty much always going to start a fight. Your partner showing you something is a bit of a gamble, though.
Reddit user “Np1207” found herself on the losing end of that bet when something her husband showed her completely changed her view of him.
She went to the AITA (“Am I The A**hole?”) subReddit to get their thoughts by asking:
“Am I the a**hole for getting mad at my husband for having a WhatsApp group named after a bullied girl coworker?”
Before we get into the husband, this WhatsApp group, or the bullied coworker, lets go over how AITA works.
The subReddit is there to help people work through those moral grey-area moments when they’re not sure if they were the bad guy or not.
People will share their situation as a post. Other users respond to the original poster (“OP”) in the comments, also casting a vote for the system to tally.
Voting Options Are:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
So now that you know how it works, let’s get back to this human resources hellscape.
“This is my first post ever and English is not my native language, sorry if I don’t explain myself correctly.”
“I’m a 29 year old woman. Husband is a 32 year old man. Girl coworker is 32. (I’ll name her Stacy)”
“We’ve been married 5 years now and I’ve always thought that my husband was respectful to women no matter what – until this incident.”
“I’m terribly disappointed and confused. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting but this situation affected my emotions over him more than I could possibly imagine.”
“My husband and I were chilling, watching TV, I was resting my head on his arm when I started feeling over and over again his smartwatch vibrating on me.”
“It was difficult not to look at the notifications he was receiving. I tried to ignore it a few times but the messages were unending so I couldn’t avoid reading that they were from a WhatsApp chat group named something like ‘The fathers of …’
“I laughed and asked him what was that group about, he showed me the complete name of the group ‘The fathers of Stacy’s daughter.’ “
“He explained he and the other members that make up the group (all men) have a pregnant coworker that is having a baby girl. In the beginning the chat was some kind of club for bullying Stacy.”
“Supposedly it was named like that out of sarcasm. Like when little kids tell each other ‘There goes your girlfriend’ referring to a bullied girl for her looks.”
“He implied she deserve it because she has a bad attitude at work – and also because she’s ugly and fat.”
“He was laughing and telling me how funny that was, expecting me to laugh too but I didn’t. I got mad and told him how disappointed I felt.”
“I told him that I couldn’t imagine how it must feel if my male coworkers would ever make fun of me like that.”
“I tried to explain how childish and stupid he was. He didn’t accept it and said that at some point they stopped talking about Stacy’s pregnancy and just kept the name of the group because it was funny.”
“He said I was overreacting and that he would never show me anything from his phone ever again. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t grateful that he showed me something funny.”
Reddit had her back on this one.
“NTA.”
“Congratulations, you got to see how cruel and immature your husband is first hand. This is not funny, this is bullying.”
“Fair warning that if he does this to others, there’s a good chance he’s done this about you.”
“Of course he said you were overreacting. How crazy of you to react negatively to his bad decisions. (sarcasm)”
“He just broke your trust in him, and had the audacity to tell you that you were wrong for feeling upset. Nah to that.” – anchovie_macncheese
“Ugh. NTA.”
“The behavior is so gross! You are absolutely right in your anger.”
“What your husband is participating in is toxic behavior. I don’t have advice for you since I don’t know him or your situation, but be sure to trust your instincts!” – Lady_Darkrai
“Noooo NTA. That’s so f*cking gross.”
“These men are toxic. I see misogyny, fat phobia, bullying, exclusion, and incredible levels of shallowness.”
“Like, who cares about her looks? She’s your co-worker not your date.”
“None of them know how to behave professionally or even with basic human decency. These are adults?!”
“How f*cking hard is to go into your office and do your work without harming your co-workers? Like, this is the sort of shit that spurs suicides. Sickening, truly.” – GobsOfficeMagic
“NTA”
“Your husband and his coworkers made fun of another coworker because she is ‘fat and ugly.’ “
“That’s the kind of person your married to. One who thinks it’s okay to mock someone for their weight and looks.”
“Yeah no; you’re completely justified to be angry and disgusted here.” – JudgeJedd100
“NTA – this is very revealing of how your husband really feels about women and how he treats women other than you.”
“You need to start watching out for other signs of misogyny, like whether he expects you to be the boss of the cleaning, whether he acts entitled to your free labor (like cleaning, cooking and doing the laundry) and also how he feels is appropriate to speak.”
“It might not be just women other than you.” – ImFinePleaseThanks
“He’s never showing you anything again? I’d bet money it’s because he’s chatting wham about a whole bunch of women on there, including you.”
“Your husband is a cruel bully with a hefty dose of misogyny mixed into his ‘jokes’ and I have no idea how you can move on from this, especially as he doesn’t seem sorry about it.”
“NTA.” – tainkirrahe
“NTA – Your husband likes to bully this woman and laugh when others do so as well.”
“There’s really no good spin for this. This is your husband, the man you chose above all others to be married to. I think you’re right to have concern about that.” – NomadicusRex
“NTA.”
“Are your husband and coworkers still in middle school or high school? Do they take Stacy’s lunch money (or other coworker’s food from the company refrigerator)?”
“Good for you to stand up for ‘Stacy.’ No one deserves to be bullied.” – CaptCaffeine
“NTA. I’m so sorry you discovered that your husband has this cruelty within him.”
“He’s not taking accountability for his actions, he justifies them with irrelevances (who cares if someone has a bad attitude), and is clearly a pig.”
“You aren’t overreacting and you shouldn’t have to explain why this is a f*cked up thing–if you need to paint a scenario with you as ‘Stacy,’ then your husband lacks empathy big time.”
“Your anger at him is more than justified, and I am curious if any of the men at his workplace also have “bad attitudes.” Sounds misogynistic to me, tbh.”
“Your reactions and feelings are valid and justified. I’d suggest talking to a therapist or TRUSTED friend/family member in order to work all of this out instead of bottling it up.”
“This might even open your eyes into some of the ways he treats you. I wish you peace.” – modernwunder
“NTA. If this is what he’s freely and laughingly sharing, imagine what else is on there and what else he does.”
“They’re being vicious about that poor woman. That they think she doesn’t know (I’m sure she knows they hate her) only makes it dumber, not less malicious.”
“This tells you who he is, if ever he’s mad at you or you guys break up, that’s how he’ll act towards you.” – Timmetie
“NTA. This is one of those things that would make me reconsider the relationship. He clearly sees nothing wrong with it, which is very concerning.” – mnlxzy
Several of the commenters seem to believe this woman has problems on her hands that are much bigger than just her husband’s group chat. But everyone was clear she was not the a**hole.