When you're happy and in love in a relatively new relationship, you want family and friends to get to know the person who may end up being a part of your life.
While everyone may not approve of your significant other for a variety of reasons, those who genuinely respect you will withhold judgment.
One woman who's been with her "model" boyfriend for about a year experienced an unpleasant situation when she brought him to a birthday party.
Her reaction led her to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, where she sought judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Icy-Till8951 asked:
"AITA telling my cousin he's ugly because he keeps questioning my boyfriend's sexuality?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am 22 F[female], I have been dating my boyfriend for around a year. My boyfriend is a model, he looks extremely androgynous and has longer hair, I don't mind this at all despite people seeing him as feminine."
"I see him as beautiful, and him being comfortable with his sexuality and letting me do makeup on him/paint his nails is a bonus."
"My dad and his girlfriend has met him, they are completely fine and never disrespected him because of the way he looks."
The OP continued:
"I figured it was time for my boyfriend to meet the family at a birthday party last week because all my cousins already have partners they have introduced. We went and had fun."
"My boyfriend is social and was able to get along with most of my family just fine, so i thought everything was ok."
…Until it wasn't.
"I have an oldest cousin who is extremely traditional and obnoxious. We went eating yesterday with my dad and a few other cousins, and he started interrogating me on my boyfriend's sexuality."
"It was extremely disrespectful; he was making fun of my boyfriend's hair, his build, his painted nails, his clothes, and even going to the point where he was questioning me on if my boyfriend was even into women."
"I am not confrontational, especially with family, but this a**hole is f'king annoying."
"He was negging me and trying to make my relationship into a joke because my boyfriend isn't traditionally masculine. I told him at least my boyfriend wasn't a fat ugly f'k like him, he isn't a prize so he should stop speaking."
"I could've gone further below the belt, but my cousin shut up, and I didn't want to cause further issues, the fact that he thinks it's ok to shame me when his girlfriend isn't the most attractive person, yet I still treated her with nothing but kindness and grace is ridiculous, it's like he feels entitled to disrespect me because I am the youngest and a woman."
"When we got home my dad told me not to say anything next time because i already know my cousin is a dumba** and it isn't worth it, he said he gets that i am mad but to next time let him handle it because i escalated the situation."
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA. Too bad you didn't try to push the envelope regarding him being non-traditional, that would have REALLY pushed your cousin's buttons. Not your fault your cousin is morally uptight."
"But please don't go after his gf, she's innocent and doesn't deserve to be caught in the crossfire. Just stick to the person that is doing the insulting themselves." – Jaded_Kate
"No kidding... he wasn't exactly handling anything this time. Dunno why Dad is all in a twist about this."
"Seems a classic 'can dish it but can't take it' sort of situation. I'd love to understand what this escalation rulebook your dad is following is where it is ok to trash on someone who isn't there to defend themselves (i.e., your BF), but it's NOT ok to defend this person who isn't there and also not ok to trash someone to their face."
"Seems like the arbitrary rules of an a**hole."
"I'd tell Dad, 'Oh.. hey, I appreciate the offer, but no thanks. I'm fine with how I "escalated" the situation and will continue to defend myself and my BF as I see fit.' "
"NTA." – SoImaRedditUserNow
"NTA. If dad wanted to handle it, he should have handled it before you got pissed enough to say something. He had his chance and did nothing. You stepped up when he wouldn't." – Remote-Passenger7880
"NTA. If your cousin can dish it out he should be able to take it. My only advice is to leave his girlfriend out of it as she is an innocent bystander. Your cousin has no right to criticize your boyfriend and his comments are just not cool. He actually sounds like an AH so I get that your dad is making the point that he isn't worth it." – Afraid-Leg3311
"NTA."
"What is dad thinking? Why does he want a fully-grown woman to "let him handle" this? You've got a mouth and a brain, so you're perfectly capable of advocating for yourself." – CandylandCanada
"Obviously NTA. I've always dated androgynous/pretty boys, and you should never give an inch to these idiots. Family isn't a 'get out of-FUFA' card, and you should always protect your partner rather than try to keep the peace."
"That being said — answering every one of his jabs with 'I know, right?? My boyfriend is so hot', 'I'm glad you also see how pretty he is' etc will rile up your cousin and his kin a lot more, and save you the trouble of family drama." – victorianfollies
"NTA. Looks like someone had to dish out a reality check, and who better than you? Your cousin needed a taste of his own medicine after crossing lines and disrespecting your relationship. It's not about escalating; it's about standing up for your partner when they're being mocked for no reason."
"Next time, though, maybe let dad step in to handle the family dinosaurs. Keep slaying with kindness and let your boyfriend's confidence shine—it's obviously intimidating the heck out of your cousin." – MaricarMuse
"NTA -you don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand that openly- and repeatedly- criticizing someone for whomever they want to date is rude and likely to hurt or infuriate."
"Seems like you made your point (good), and if your Dad was going to 'handle it,' he would have. People keep saying and doing hurtful things when no one ever confronts them. Your cousin might or might not understand they were out of line but hopefully, they'll think twice next time." – Specific_Alarm_5913
"NTA. There is somebody out there for everyone! You are into him, and he is into you. Just because there is a different view of beauty doesn't give him carte blanch to insult you or your bf."
"Your dad doesn't want any (more) family friction, but you and bf shouldn't have been subjected to insults regardless." – Different_Victory_89
"NTA, but honestly I would harbor a guess that your cousin thought your boyfriend was a woman/hot before he found out your boyfriend was in fact a guy and started to play up the whole thing so much for his own sake since he thought a guy was attractive." – Fntsyking655
"Oh my God. You are NOT THE A**HOLE AT ALL. I am a pretty traditional guy as well, but just because you don't agree with someone you don't EVER disrespect them."
"You have no right to judge, ESPECIALLY when you're fat and ugly, and the guy you are talking about is a f'king MODEL. He just seems unintelligent and like a snob. I am so sorry about your situation, and tell him a random guy from Reddit says he is awesome!" – PayConfident1531
"NTA. Your dad is the type of person who doesn't like to rock the boat, and that's how people like your cousin get away with sh*tty behavior for so long. He shut up real quick when he knocked down a peg, and it should have happened a long time ago. Dumba**es need to be held accountable."
"Also, it sounds like your cousin is attracted to your bf and doesn't know how to handle it. Hit dogs holler." – Smart_Negotiation_31
"NTA. If your father were going to handle it, he would have. It does no good for your BF if your father waits, because it tells him that no one in your family cares. On the other hand, you standing up for him tells him that you do, and it tells your cousin that you will punch back the next time he starts something."
"Your father told you to let him handle it because he thinks that you being pissed is easier to handle than your cousin being pissed." – bamf1701
Overall, Redditors thought the cousin should've kept his judgy comments to himself, especially if he isn't capable of handling criticism in response.
Unfortunately, it seems you can't rationalize with someone who is as problematic as the OP says he is.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp