Relationships end for all kinds of messy reasons, and what happens after the relationship ends is equally unique.
One woman on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, for example, wanted to end things on a positive note.
Redditor AllLost65 decided to clear away all negative feelings that were leftover from her relationship with her ex-husband.
But when the conversation upset the new wife, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she had overstepped.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for accidentally messing with my ex-husband's marriage because [his wife] read the letter I sent him?"
The OP decided to reach out to her ex-husband about some tough subjects.
"My ex-husband and I were together for a little over 10 years."
"Since then he has become even more of a household name, and I'm happy for him. I have no wishes to ruin his family (we co-parent one son) or to get him back. All the emotions I feel for him are platonic and familial, because he is a good dad, even though he wasn't always."
"I write letters to those closest to me. Maybe it was instilled into me by my mother, but it is something I do."
"My ex-husband, who I will call Ronald since that is generic, hit a rough patch with drugs. We divorced after ten years mainly due to the fallout from that, and a couple of years later, he found another woman."
"I encouraged this! I was happy for him and had a boyfriend at that point anyway. We kept in touch regularly because, well, we have a child together."
"One of our biggest arguments during our marriage included the fact that it often felt like he did not love me or his son enough to get clean and away from the superstar lifestyle. I now know that addiction is a disease, and is not the fault of the addicted."
The OP decided to detail everything in a hand-written letter.
"A week or so ago, I sent him a letter (we also used to write to each other while one of us was away), saying that I am happy for him."
"I apologized for something I said during that argument that we never brought up again. I told him he was a good father to our son (who will be thirty soon) and that I regret making him feel like addiction was all his fault."
"I also mentioned that I used to resent him and that it felt like I was a stepping stone he had to cross to become a better man, (both things he knew) and I basically mentioned that I am glad to have known him."
"I wished him the best of luck, because I'm not doing the best mentally but it is not his fault, and said I am proud of his career and getting clean."
"I said I will never regret having met him, and that I will always love him, not romantically but as the father to my son and a good man and friend who I could lean on."
But the letter was not well-received by all parties.
"His wife - who I will treat is an amazing, wonderful, career woman - found the letter."
"She reached out and accused me of trying to get back with him or slander her name, to which I said no, I just write letters for heavy topics and have been doing for 40 years now."
"She asked why I am bringing old things back up, and I said it was because a part of me felt guilty for treating him badly during his addictions."
"I repeated that my love for him is nothing more than friendly, and that we always kept in touch, but she said it was different since it was co-parenting."
"She told me she will burn the letter if she wants to, and sent another message I haven't opened yet."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the letter was a kind gesture and thought the OP was NTA.
"NTA. The letter you wrote sounds lovely, and I imagine that your ex would really appreciate your apology and your praise for him as a father and a survivor. None of what you mentioned crosses a line into flirting, and it is completely appropriate for you to share your candid feelings with the father of your child."
"His wife is out of like snooping in his correspondence, and she sounds like she is responding out of her own insecurity." - Kittysnowpants
"I agree the wife is just being insecure. You clearly have a great co-parenting relationship OP and that in itself is truly commendable. You went through his addiction with him and reflected how proud you are of him and how far he has come."
"I admire your candidness and you clearly share a wonderful child together. The love you hold is clearly towards him being the father of your child. There is nothing remotely untoward about your exchange."
"IMO there may be something going on between the wife and your ex or something in her personal life making her feel this way. I would say she lashing out at you because you are so kind and albeit an easy target. Just leave the messages to rest and don't engage, I am sure in time it will pass." - Gracillar
"NAH, I understand that you didn't intend this to cause him problems but you do need to respect the boundaries that need to exist there."
"This actually sounds more like a way to reconnect than a platonic goodbye or even just a status update, I'm sure that was what she got from it too."
"So even though neither of you are wrong, you should each apologize and move forward." - RLB406
Others thought the OP was overstepping in someone else's relationship.
"Ehhh. Some things don't sit right with me."
"OP's son is 29 now so realistically she wouldn't have much of a co-parenting relationship with her ex. I get they can still be civil and bump into each other from time to time but it's not like they have to navigate parent-teacher evening or sit down to discuss little Johnny's future. So why is op still so involved with her ex?"
"She sends a Whitney Houston style 'I will always love you' letter to someone who has long moved on and has a new partner and is surprised with this stirs up stuff with said new partner. Platonic or not, I don't feel like it's that insecure of the new partner to be peeved."
"To me at best ESH because the new gf went through the mail and at worst YTA or so naive to the world it's almost impossible op." - Plus-Kaleidoscope900
"OP, you could have called your ex and told him that you were sorry for misjudging him while he was an addict and he's always been a great father. You did not have to bring up your issues or the fact that you still love him. This changes the spirit of the letter (man, how could I let you get away. I'm not doing too well, is there still a chance for us?)."
"As a matter of fact, unless it involves your son and his family, you shouldn't really be reaching out to your ex like that. He has moved on and has a new family. You are part of his past and don't need to be stirring up trouble in his present. You are an ex for a reason and your season together has passed. Leave the man (and his wife) alone." - BreuckelenWoman
"Not gonna lie, I'm a little confused by the timeline, so pls walk me through this. If I read this right, you 'coparent' a 30 year old, but were together for 10 years, which is at least 21 years ago? And he has been married to his wife now for almost 20 years, give or take? And you recently wrote him a letter apologizing for a comment you made, when? When you were married?"
"I do think this is a bit much and YTA for dredging up ancient history out of the blue. I get that it was probably cathartic for you, but if I'm correct on this timeline, it was weird to send." - AnotaCocktail
The subReddit was very divided on this one, largely due to the OP's intentions. She may have simply wanted to clear the air, which is harmless enough, but if she intended to cause drama or confusion, that's another issue entirely.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.