“In sickness and in health…”
That’s one of the more serious wedding vows.
What’s not specified is that people are not just committing to their partner’s health, but they’re also committing to being on top of their own.
More and more people seem to be struggling with the day-to-day basics of life.
That can put a strain on the best of relationships.
That’s why therapy can be such a good idea.
Until it’s not…
Case in point…
Redditor secretsecretwhisper wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not doing the homework my husband’s therapist assigned to me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I have been together for over a decade.”
“During this time, he’s been in therapy on and off.”
“He had a hard time finding a therapist that was right for him.”
“A few of his therapists early on encouraged him just to medicate (with no regular sessions), and one pushed religion on him.”
“Neither of these worked.”
“What he needed was someone to meet with him semi-regularly, not push their religious beliefs on him, and instead work with him to develop appropriate strategies/talk through issues.”
“Whenever he told me about one of these more questionable strategies (i.e. pushing ‘just love Jesus’) I said I thought that was inappropriate and he should find a better therapist and go without until then.”
“There have been long stretches where he has gone without therapy because my husband isn’t generally good at taking care of himself. “
“That falls on me.”
“I have to remind him to do things to keep him healthy/taken care of. Drink water.”
“Eat more than once a day.”
“There are literally times I have had to tell him he needs to brush his teeth.”
“He also gets anxious making any decisions on his own.”
“I have to help him pick out new clothes and write emails to work colleagues or groups of friends.”
“He can’t make plans for us- I have to make them all.”
“Or, I should say, I have to help him make the plans so then he can say he made them.”
“He’s a good person. He loves me so much.”
“But he is so dependent on me. It is draining.”
“I have to spend an hour at least once a week talking him through whatever crisis he’s having.”
“Sometimes this crisis is over what new collectible to buy.”
“A collectible for him.”
“That I do not have any interest in.”
“I finally demanded that he look into therapists again.”
“I told him I can not be his therapist, and he cannot depend on me this much.”
“He needs to start taking care of himself and get a therapist who will work with him to develop these skills.”
“And he did! Which is great.”
“However, a month into therapy, he said his therapist had homework for me.”
“I was supposed to write out a list of all his great qualities- at least a page or two.”
“Mind you, this is after YEARS of me carrying all his emotional baggage, essentially mothering him, giving him credit for things I did so he could feel better about himself.”
“And one year, I did, in fact, write out 100 things that I thought were great about him for a gift.”
“I was so frustrated. I said no.”
“I said therapy is his work, not mine, and I’ve spent too many years of our lives solving things for him.”
“It wasn’t fair to ask me to sit down and do this homework when the point of his therapy was for him to build his own skills without depending on me all the time.”
“He was upset but accepted it, and said he understood.”
“Well, just the other day, he told me that his therapist doesn’t like me.”
“And thinks I should be thanking and showing him appreciation more.”
“I told him I didn’t care what his therapist thought- they are his therapist.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“This does have me thinking though, AITA for not doing the homework his therapist assigned to me?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I think the husband might be wildly misconstruing it.”
“If he is having this much anxiety and self-abandonment, he’s probably got a lot of issues with his self-image too.”
“This idea may have been to help him see that others find value in him and to give him a jumping-off point to find that value in himself.”
“The therapist doesn’t know that OP has basically been forced to be his emotional support animal for years and is already sick of his constant need for external validation.” ~ TopShoulder7
“I could definitely see ‘make a list, and if you have trouble, maybe try asking your loved ones, or trying to see yourself through their eyes’ and him turning that into handing OP to write the whole list themselves.”
“It’s definitely not on OP to do homework for someone else’s therapy.”
“Good therapists wouldn’t be putting that obligation into someone that’s not their client.”
“Maybe sit in on an appointment to get more clarification or perspective about the situation, but for the most part it’s helping the client learn to navigate things.” ~ notthedefaultname
“NTA. But I think you need your own therapist.”
“You’re carrying 99% of this relationship, and it seems to be draining you completely.”
“What are you doing to care for yourself?” ~ FuzzyMom2005
“After we broke up, my ex told me his therapist said I had unhealthy attachment issues and should never date again.”
“From a man who refused to go to therapy the entire time we dated but was happy enough to weaponize it as soon as the relationship was over.”
“Who knows if they made it up or the therapists said it – doesn’t matter, even if the latter is still based on biased input from only one side.”
“I used to be mad my ex wouldn’t go to therapy, but the convo where he passed that tidbit on made me realize it didn’t matter.”
“Therapy was never going to benefit him or our relationship if he wasn’t being honest about his behavior or being willing to actually make changes.” ~ sentient_bees
“Keep in mind that his therapist probably said something different that your husband took the wrong way.”
“I cannot tell you how many times a parent has come to me with something I supposedly said to one of my clients.”
“Also, the therapist can only work with what your husband tells them.”
“No matter how unbiased husband may try to be, assuming he is trying to be unbiased, he won’t be giving the full story.”
“He cannot speak for you or about your experience of him.”
“Have your husband sign a Release of Information so his therapist can talk to you and schedule a phone call.”
“It would be helpful to them to know more about your husband’s context and to also set some firm boundaries with the therapist.”
“If you wanted marriage counseling, you would have arranged for that and would be participating in the sessions.”
“This is husband’s personal individual counseling.”
“Once he has begun to adult more consistently, you may consider marriage counseling, but that counselor will not be his individual counselor.”
“Honestly, you sound about done with this relationship.”
“He is more like a child in your relationship than a partner.” ~ KookyNefariousness2
“NTA. I’m wondering if it was his homework that he was trying to get you to do for him.”
“Ask to go to a session with him to see if this is really what is going on.”
“He’s supposed to be working on being more independent, so I doubt that it was your homework.”
“I also doubt that the therapist says that he doesn’t like you.”
“That is ridiculous. 🙄.” ~ CurlyGurl_Bee409
“Could also be that the therapist expressed concerns about the health of the relationship (rightfully so, as OP isn’t in a good place due to this dynamic) and the husband misinterpreted that.”
“My therapist has guided me through that discovery, and someone who hasn’t practiced breaking down their thoughts can easily misinterpret that conversation.”
“OP, your husband is not a reliable narrator.”
“Take what he says with a bucket of salt – which does not mean you have to tolerate it. Just don’t always assume that the therapist is all bad.”
‘You’re getting second-hand information from an unreliable narrator about what the therapist is saying.” ~ SnooPeanuts8021
“NTA. If the therapist wants you involved in his treatment he should schedule to meet with you or ask you to sit in on your husband’s session.”
“It’s wildly inappropriate for a therapist to tell a client that they personally don’t like one’s spouse.”
“It also sounds like your husband is not being completely honest about why he’s there.”
“But essentially, your husband’s therapy should be about him learning to move through life without relying on others to clear his path for him.”
“Creating a treatment plan that relies on someone else to do work before he is expected to move forward with his own is counterproductive.” ~ Existing_Fox_6317
“NTA, but I think you need couple’s counseling.”
“The fact that him needing to be more independent got spun so quickly into you need to thank him more sounds like you’re not speaking the same language.” ~ ToxicEnabler
“This would make me wonder how your husband phrases his issues and reasons for needing therapy to the therapist.”
“I don’t think I’d investigate that personally, though, as I agree that it’s his therapy and his job to take it seriously enough to not misrepresent how much support you give him.”
“If time proves he doesn’t, that’s a different issue with bigger decisions to make. NTA for this.” ~ Plane-Trifle3608
“NTA – Either this therapist is completely bogus, or your husband is making things up.” ~ Forward_Squirrel8879
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It sounds like you’ve already done a lot for your husband.
And you’ve made his health a priority.
You may want to ask about joining a therapy session so that all three of you are on the same page.