We might not like to talk about it, but not all kids like their stepparents, or the other way around, when two people marry after previous relationships and families.
But as a society, we often weirdly pressure children to act as if they loved their stepparent when they pass away, even if their relationship was kind of terrible, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Economy-Mastodon-105 had never felt close to their stepmother, and it was made worse by feeling less than their half-siblings and by their father's efforts to convince them that their stepmother was a better mom than their late mother, who passed when they were little.
When it was time for them to have their own child, the Original Poster (OP) was pressured to honor their late stepmother by naming their baby after her, which they immediately shut down.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for making it absolutely clear my wife and I are not naming our child after my dad's late wife who died a few months ago?"
The OP was uncomfortable with how their family pressured them to honor their late stepmother.
"Last year, my dad lost his wife of 20 years."
"A few weeks after her death, my wife and I learned we were expecting our first child."
"Since we'd been struggling with infertility for a long time, my dad saw this as a gift from his wife, and he and my half-siblings (all in their teens) expected me to name my child after my stepmom, either through the first or the middle name."
"My dad even argued that we could still use a masculine version of the name if we had a boy (think Martin instead of Martina as an example)."
"This was not something I ever intended to do, and I told my dad we weren't looking at her name or any similar names for our child."
"My dad told me that made no sense, given the timing of everything."
The OP and their wife distanced themselves from the family while expecting.
"My entire childhood, my stepmother made me feel like less than the three biological children, my three half-siblings, that she shared with my dad, and we were never close."
"My dad also did everything he could to convince me that she was better than my mom, who died when I was little."
"My wife and I pulled back from him and my half-siblings over this. Their anger over the decision has been strong, and my dad has been trying like h**l to convince me otherwise."
"He doesn't know the sex of the baby, but I know the name will bother him. We decided to honor my late mom indirectly by naming our daughter after a flower that was my mom's favorite (for example, Roseanna for Rose or Lila for Lilac)."
"My dad will pick up on it immediately, and I know it will bother him that I chose to honor my mom over his wife."
The OP decided to reach out and set a clear boundary with his family.
"So I decided to come in firmly and make it clear and leave no room for doubt that my wife and I are not choosing his wife's name or anything connected to her."
"I told him this is not up for discussion or debate anymore, and the decision is final."
"I also said that the signs he and my half-siblings saw to make it make sense were not shared by me, which made me feel bad, but I felt it needed to be said clearly."
The OP believed there were other ways to honor their stepmother that had nothing to do with them, their wife, or their future child.
"In my mind, she had three kids, so one of them could name a future child after her."
"But she was not my mother, and I was not too fond of her. That's simply it. Her death changed nothing for me regarding that, and she's not someone I would want to name my child after. She's not someone I feel the need to honor or feel the need to remember every day."
"Ever since I came out and spoke clearly, I can see the anger in my dad and half-siblings has intensified."
"They haven't told me directly but they rant about me to other relatives, and those relatives have reached out and said I'm an insensitive a**hole."
"My dad even ranted to relatives about the length of time she was in my life versus my mom and how disgusting it is that I wouldn't honor that."
"He does not know that we've chosen a name that ties to my mom. This is just him ranting. I'm sure it'll get worse when he finds out."
"But I want to know if people think I'm the a**hole for being so firm about this or for outright rejecting the idea of honoring her memory even. I just don't think I'm even the person TO honor her."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some applauded the OP for being honest and setting very clear boundaries with the family.
"NTA, thank you for just saying it! You told them straight up that you're not going to name her after your SM, no room for discussion or debate! Usually, I see people hemming and hawing and dancing around family to keep the peace. I love that you don't, you're gonna be a great dad!" - MyMindSpoken
"Clear boundaries upfront save a lifetime of resentment, he handled it like a grown adult, not a people-pleaser." - upstoreplsthrowaway
"NTA. And yes, you did the right thing by shutting it down directly. Your Dad and siblings must still be struggling with grief. Hopefully, they can address that with a counselor.
The idea of your stepmom's spirit guiding your sperm through your wife's reproductive organs to the egg is really gross." - Curious-One4595
"Speaking your mind! Declaring clear boundaries! It's refreshing to see, I tell you!"
"OP, you are NTA. The way you are honoring your mum is beautiful. My son has my dad's name as his middle name. Had my mum been in your dad's position, she would never have asked or expected me to name my son after a stepparent."
"FYI, my son took three years to conceive. My husband says my dad was finding the right one to send to us. I'm betting the same went for your mom and has zero to do with your dad's second wife." - Ditzykat105
"NTA. I don't see any benefit to delaying the confrontation. Might as well get it over with. It sends likely hemming/hawing/dancing for a few months, giving them hope of a change of mind might make the resentment even worse once the name is official. Good on you." - RichardAboutTown
Others agreed and theorized that this was simply an issue of displaced grief.
"NTA. Sooooo much displaced grief being concentrated on this naming issue."
"NOBODY but the parents has the right to choose their child's name. Period. The fact that there's anger on the part of your father and half-siblings about this is truly sad, when this should be a joyful time for the expectant parents."
"Your dad and half-siblings could benefit from some grief counseling. Their demands are inappropriate, and getting their way by naming your child won't bring your dad's late wife back and probably wouldn't make them feel any better. The poor child isn't a comfort object, she's a human being." - Inevitable_Pie9541
"NTA. I get they're grieving, but the whole mystical 'gift' from your dad's late wife aspect is... They're not being rational, and are being overbearing and unkind." - 8nsay
"Take a pause from them, OP. Then gauge the situation again in six months or so. Continue staying away if they don't get back with their feet on the ground."
"NTA." - Organic_Start_420
"NTA. Good lord. That makes the 'timing is a sign' argument even more bulls**t. Not that it wasn't in the first place. They have some big a** balls to think you're being the a**hole in this situation. There have to be other family members who agree you're not, they just aren't saying it…" - nicupinhere
"Death and birth bring out the worst/weirdest in some people. You have both. I am so happy for you and your wife! I'm so sorry your dad and half-sibs are in effect, taking their grief out on you."
"Let me say this, I love how you picked your child's name!"
"NTA. They suck right now. They can get over it. I am so happy for you and your wife! Don't let this darken a really wonderful time! Congratulations!" - Nikitarohl
Some also pointed out that it would make much more sense for the OP's half-siblings to honor their mother than for the OP to honor a stepmother they weren't close to.
"This is what kills me. In plenty of other families, the half-siblings would be fuming if OP wanted to use the name. In most, they'd be neutral at best."
"I'm a half sibling from a second marriage and genuinely can't imagine one of my older half-siblings naming their child after my mom." - Knitalt
"I'd put on my best sweetly concerned voice and face, brows furrowed to the heavens, and say, 'I think that one of you (half siblings) would be better suited to use her name for one of your own future children. We will let you have her name for that' to every single one of them." - Whole_Ad_2347
"The OP said that this woman had three children of her own. One of them can honor their own mother that way if they want to when/if they have kids." - KickLiving
"OP, you should tell them you'd never take their honor and privilege away. Each one can use her name as a first, if a daughter, and adapted if a son, or as a middle name."
"Tell them you couldn't possibly step over boundaries and be so bold or rude as to use their mom's name, so you are ensuring it stays available for them to use."
"Really, you are just so giving, OP! Frame it that way! NTA!" - EntryProfessional623
"Your mum is also dead, and they want you to honor her replacement?"
"I think you have too big of a heart if you're still considering their feelings. They're clearly selfish and entitled a-holes."
"It's YOUR child and you name her/him whatever the h**l you want. Congrats on your baby... and remembering YOUR mother." - Miserable_Pea_135
"NTA. Their grief is not yours to bear. The naming rights to a baby belong solely to the parents of that child. Honoring someone who has passed is usually a heartfelt gesture… one you do not feel."
"They can want what they want, but they will also need to deal with the disappointment when they don't get what they want. You were related to her only because your dad married her."
"A close relationship didn't evolve, sad but true. You don't owe her any honors. The biggest issue that they haven't seen as yet is that they are jeopardizing their relationship with you and your child." - Realistic_Animator_3
The subReddit passionately supported the OP, recognizing that the family was grieving and probably not thinking clearly.
However, it also expressed anger on the OP's behalf that they were being pressured to honor someone they had never been close to in the form of something as permanent and sentient as a child's name.
Since she had three biological children, they were more than capable of honoring her when and if their time came to have children.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp