We might not like to talk about it, but not all kids like their stepparents, or the other way around, when two people marry after previous relationships and families.
But as a society, we often weirdly pressure children to act as if they loved their stepparent when they pass away, even if their relationship was kind of terrible, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Economy-Mastodon-105 had never felt close to their stepmother, and it was made worse by feeling less than their half-siblings and by their father’s efforts to convince them that their stepmother was a better mom than their late mother, who passed when they were little.
When it was time for them to have their own child, the Original Poster (OP) was pressured to honor their late stepmother by naming their baby after her, which they immediately shut down.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for making it absolutely clear my wife and I are not naming our child after my dad’s late wife who died a few months ago?”
The OP was uncomfortable with how their family pressured them to honor their late stepmother.
“Last year, my dad lost his wife of 20 years.”
“A few weeks after her death, my wife and I learned we were expecting our first child.”
“Since we’d been struggling with infertility for a long time, my dad saw this as a gift from his wife, and he and my half-siblings (all in their teens) expected me to name my child after my stepmom, either through the first or the middle name.”
“My dad even argued that we could still use a masculine version of the name if we had a boy (think Martin instead of Martina as an example).”
“This was not something I ever intended to do, and I told my dad we weren’t looking at her name or any similar names for our child.”
“My dad told me that made no sense, given the timing of everything.”
The OP and their wife distanced themselves from the family while expecting.
“My entire childhood, my stepmother made me feel like less than the three biological children, my three half-siblings, that she shared with my dad, and we were never close.”
“My dad also did everything he could to convince me that she was better than my mom, who died when I was little.”
“My wife and I pulled back from him and my half-siblings over this. Their anger over the decision has been strong, and my dad has been trying like h**l to convince me otherwise.”
“He doesn’t know the sex of the baby, but I know the name will bother him. We decided to honor my late mom indirectly by naming our daughter after a flower that was my mom’s favorite (for example, Roseanna for Rose or Lila for Lilac).”
“My dad will pick up on it immediately, and I know it will bother him that I chose to honor my mom over his wife.”
The OP decided to reach out and set a clear boundary with his family.
“So I decided to come in firmly and make it clear and leave no room for doubt that my wife and I are not choosing his wife’s name or anything connected to her.”
“I told him this is not up for discussion or debate anymore, and the decision is final.”
“I also said that the signs he and my half-siblings saw to make it make sense were not shared by me, which made me feel bad, but I felt it needed to be said clearly.”
The OP believed there were other ways to honor their stepmother that had nothing to do with them, their wife, or their future child.
“In my mind, she had three kids, so one of them could name a future child after her.”
“But she was not my mother, and I was not too fond of her. That’s simply it. Her death changed nothing for me regarding that, and she’s not someone I would want to name my child after. She’s not someone I feel the need to honor or feel the need to remember every day.”
“Ever since I came out and spoke clearly, I can see the anger in my dad and half-siblings has intensified.”
“They haven’t told me directly but they rant about me to other relatives, and those relatives have reached out and said I’m an insensitive a**hole.”
“My dad even ranted to relatives about the length of time she was in my life versus my mom and how disgusting it is that I wouldn’t honor that.”
“He does not know that we’ve chosen a name that ties to my mom. This is just him ranting. I’m sure it’ll get worse when he finds out.”
“But I want to know if people think I’m the a**hole for being so firm about this or for outright rejecting the idea of honoring her memory even. I just don’t think I’m even the person TO honor her.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some applauded the OP for being honest and setting very clear boundaries with the family.
“NTA, thank you for just saying it! You told them straight up that you’re not going to name her after your SM, no room for discussion or debate! Usually, I see people hemming and hawing and dancing around family to keep the peace. I love that you don’t, you’re gonna be a great dad!” – MyMindSpoken
“Clear boundaries upfront save a lifetime of resentment, he handled it like a grown adult, not a people-pleaser.” – upstoreplsthrowaway
“NTA. And yes, you did the right thing by shutting it down directly. Your Dad and siblings must still be struggling with grief. Hopefully, they can address that with a counselor.
The idea of your stepmom’s spirit guiding your sperm through your wife’s reproductive organs to the egg is really gross.” – Curious-One4595
“Speaking your mind! Declaring clear boundaries! It’s refreshing to see, I tell you!”
“OP, you are NTA. The way you are honoring your mum is beautiful. My son has my dad’s name as his middle name. Had my mum been in your dad’s position, she would never have asked or expected me to name my son after a stepparent.”
“FYI, my son took three years to conceive. My husband says my dad was finding the right one to send to us. I’m betting the same went for your mom and has zero to do with your dad’s second wife.” – Ditzykat105
“NTA. I don’t see any benefit to delaying the confrontation. Might as well get it over with. It sends likely hemming/hawing/dancing for a few months, giving them hope of a change of mind might make the resentment even worse once the name is official. Good on you.” – RichardAboutTown
Others agreed and theorized that this was simply an issue of displaced grief.
“NTA. Sooooo much displaced grief being concentrated on this naming issue.”
“NOBODY but the parents has the right to choose their child’s name. Period. The fact that there’s anger on the part of your father and half-siblings about this is truly sad, when this should be a joyful time for the expectant parents.”
“Your dad and half-siblings could benefit from some grief counseling. Their demands are inappropriate, and getting their way by naming your child won’t bring your dad’s late wife back and probably wouldn’t make them feel any better. The poor child isn’t a comfort object, she’s a human being.” – Inevitable_Pie9541
“NTA. I get they’re grieving, but the whole mystical ‘gift’ from your dad’s late wife aspect is… They’re not being rational, and are being overbearing and unkind.” – 8nsay
“Take a pause from them, OP. Then gauge the situation again in six months or so. Continue staying away if they don’t get back with their feet on the ground.”
“NTA.” – Organic_Start_420
“NTA. Good lord. That makes the ‘timing is a sign’ argument even more bulls**t. Not that it wasn’t in the first place. They have some big a** balls to think you’re being the a**hole in this situation. There have to be other family members who agree you’re not, they just aren’t saying it…” – nicupinhere
“Death and birth bring out the worst/weirdest in some people. You have both. I am so happy for you and your wife! I’m so sorry your dad and half-sibs are in effect, taking their grief out on you.”
“Let me say this, I love how you picked your child’s name!”
“NTA. They suck right now. They can get over it. I am so happy for you and your wife! Don’t let this darken a really wonderful time! Congratulations!” – Nikitarohl
Some also pointed out that it would make much more sense for the OP’s half-siblings to honor their mother than for the OP to honor a stepmother they weren’t close to.
“This is what kills me. In plenty of other families, the half-siblings would be fuming if OP wanted to use the name. In most, they’d be neutral at best.”
“I’m a half sibling from a second marriage and genuinely can’t imagine one of my older half-siblings naming their child after my mom.” – Knitalt
“I’d put on my best sweetly concerned voice and face, brows furrowed to the heavens, and say, ‘I think that one of you (half siblings) would be better suited to use her name for one of your own future children. We will let you have her name for that’ to every single one of them.” – Whole_Ad_2347
“The OP said that this woman had three children of her own. One of them can honor their own mother that way if they want to when/if they have kids.” – KickLiving
“OP, you should tell them you’d never take their honor and privilege away. Each one can use her name as a first, if a daughter, and adapted if a son, or as a middle name.”
“Tell them you couldn’t possibly step over boundaries and be so bold or rude as to use their mom’s name, so you are ensuring it stays available for them to use.”
“Really, you are just so giving, OP! Frame it that way! NTA!” – EntryProfessional623
“Your mum is also dead, and they want you to honor her replacement?”
“I think you have too big of a heart if you’re still considering their feelings. They’re clearly selfish and entitled a-holes.”
“It’s YOUR child and you name her/him whatever the h**l you want. Congrats on your baby… and remembering YOUR mother.” – Miserable_Pea_135
“NTA. Their grief is not yours to bear. The naming rights to a baby belong solely to the parents of that child. Honoring someone who has passed is usually a heartfelt gesture… one you do not feel.”
“They can want what they want, but they will also need to deal with the disappointment when they don’t get what they want. You were related to her only because your dad married her.”
“A close relationship didn’t evolve, sad but true. You don’t owe her any honors. The biggest issue that they haven’t seen as yet is that they are jeopardizing their relationship with you and your child.” – Realistic_Animator_3
The subReddit passionately supported the OP, recognizing that the family was grieving and probably not thinking clearly.
However, it also expressed anger on the OP’s behalf that they were being pressured to honor someone they had never been close to in the form of something as permanent and sentient as a child’s name.
Since she had three biological children, they were more than capable of honoring her when and if their time came to have children.