Some people dream of one day finding the love of their life and walking down the aisle to exchange their wedding vows with them.
Others believe that long-term relationships and love can exist but that marriage is just a piece of paper.
Very rarely can these two ideologies come together in a relationship and live happily ever after, cringed the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit….
Even if they have a baby together.
Redditor throwthrow_50 knew that her boyfriend thought marriage was a scam but hoped that he might change his mind on the subject when she became pregnant with their child.
Not only did he not change his mind, but he wanted the baby to have his last name instead of hers.
When she refused to give the baby his last name without a wedding ring, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked that he went so far as to accuse her of holding the baby’s name “hostage” and was using the baby’s familial status as a way to pressure him into marriage.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for giving my baby my last name?”
The OP and her boyfriend did not share the same views on marriage.
“So here is the dilemma: My boyfriend (30 Male) and I (28 Female) have been dating for three years and living together for two, but we are not married.”
“Moreover, he proclaims that he doesn’t believe in formal marriage and says it’s a scam for men. I honestly don’t know why because we both work, earn about the same, and otherwise, he’s a good partner.”
“I wanted to get married but kind of rolled with it because I figured we were both still young.”
The OP had a lot of thinking to do when a big change happened in their relationship.
“Recently, we’ve had an ‘oops,’ and I got pregnant. While it wasn’t planned, we talked about children before and both wanted to be parents eventually.”
“A baby is a big change in dynamics, though, and it brought marriage back to the front of my mind.”
“However, he wants to give the baby his last name, and I think that no ring means that the baby gets my last name.”
The OP was reluctant to compromise, and her boyfriend accused her of scamming him.
“Sidenote: We both have good jobs. I don’t rely on him for money or bills, and I have good enough savings and income to support myself and this baby, even if my boyfriend wasn’t in the picture.”
“Though we’re still early in the pregnancy, I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I am not staying home. For now, the plan is to spend the first six months with my baby on maternity leave, and then I’ll select a daycare and pump breastmilk to go back to work.”
“My parents have also expressed a desire to move closer and help if I need emergency babysitting, so that might happen, too.”
“He stands by his belief that marriage is a scam, but I don’t want the baby to have his name. If he bails before or after our baby arrives, it would be more difficult for me to raise a baby that I don’t share a last name with.”
“Now he is saying that I am holding the baby’s name hostage and pressuring him into marriage, and that I am an AH.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the baby’s name was a sign of lineage and commitment.Â
“NTA. Marriage and babies taking the man’s last name is an old tradition, and if he doesn’t believe in marriage, then why does he believe it matters whose last name the baby has?” – Interesting_Swan_193
“If you take the fact that your boyfriend doesn’t believe in marriage out of the equation, why is he any more entitled to give the baby his last name than you, the person who is carrying the baby?” – ilp456
“Marriage is a scam… for men?”
“The women are out here getting pregnant and risking their health, their life, and will statistically be the ones to raise the baby when they break up… but it’s a scam… for me?”
“NTA, OP. There’s no reason whatsoever to stick to tradition only when it comes to the name, especially when he thinks marrying you would be such a scam that he’s accusing you of hustling him over this baby. Give me a break.” – RiverSong_777
“NTA, OP. Men LOVE to pick and choose which ‘traditions’ apply to them.”
“Baby out of wedlock? Sure, whatever. Hey, don’t sue me for child support!”
“Baby not having his last name? But it’s TRADITION!”
“He wants to have all the control and credit and medals without the commitment of marriage or actual parenting. This is giving, ‘I have a daughter, and I’ve done nothing to actually raise her and be a father to her, but d**mit, she better let me walk her down the aisle.'” – Sage_Planter
“Choosing your baby’s last name is also about establishing your child’s identity. If he’s not committed enough to marry, why should he get to decide the name?”
“It’s fair for you to want your child’s last name to reflect your family and your relationship with her, too. You know you’re going to stick around; regrettably, he might not if he thinks this is all a ‘scam.’ NTA.” – ValeriaBerries
Others cautioned the OP against letting the baby take their father’s name without marriage.
“NTA.”
“As someone who did the opposite, let me tell you something about the consequences:”
“1. Despite being very little involved, baby daddy could have taken our daughter out of the country, no questions asked. Me? I had to provide a birth certificate to prove that we’re related. Just in case, I usually also had proof of sole custody with me. Because you never know.”
“2. Worse: Baby daddy eventually got married. And even his wife could have taken our daughter out of the country, no questions asked. Because of the same family name. Me? Still not.”
“3. Where I am from, changing a child’s name is easy when (if) you marry their father. But changing a child’s name if you never get married is impossible. (Germany is great that way.)”
“Honestly? Don’t let your child have any family name you don’t have. Never. If he doesn’t believe in marriage, he shouldn’t believe in passing on his name, either.”
“Also, how are you holding the baby’s last name hostage? It’s not like you’re trying to blackmail him into marrying you. You’re just stating that your child and you will share a family name. Period. Because it’s you growing that little human.” – melympia
“I’ve known a few women who kept their married name after they divorced because they wanted their kid’s name and theirs to match. Supposedly makes things easier for school and such.”
“So if the baby has her name and they stay together or split up, mom and baby’s last names match. NTA.” – twopointsisatrend
“If he doesn’t want to legally give YOU his last name, he doesn’t get to ‘brand’ the baby.”
“Look at it like this (and feel free to bring this to his attention):”
“You’re not legally married, and he thinks it’s a scam against men, which tells me he’s not marriage material in the first place. He doesn’t trust women, thinks they’re out to get men, blah, blah. I don’t make him as a guy who’s going to stick around through thick and thin, sickness and health, richer or poorer. He is a walking billboard for, ‘I’m not all in, this is not family.'”
“So when he leaves, at least don’t be having to explain why your child has a different last name.”
“Think hard about going through with this pregnancy WITH HIM, dear. Men who make the best fathers are men who embrace their children’s mothers.” – definitelytheA
“Newsflash: It’s not that he thinks marriage is outdated or old-fashioned; it’s probably that he doesn’t want to be tied down.”
“The intentionally having a kid with someone you will never marry confuses me. You are willing to have a huge commitment like a child but not marriage? I’d say he wants the perks of having a family, but when things get rough, he leaves.”
“If he’s accusing you of using the baby to pressure him into marriage, you might want to reconsider your relationship. That’s a hurtful accusation to toss out.”
“IÂ think you and your baby would be better off without him. NTA.” – A_Clever_Theme
“The mother is usually the main caregiver, and she has the most contact with official people. Doctors, teachers, etc. It is a barrier and hassle to not have the same name as the child in that situation.”
“The dad could leave at any time, and the mom will have to deal, so the mom chooses.”
“She doesn’t even have to put the boyfriend down on the birth certificate if they are not married if she doesn’t want to! He only sees one side of the equation and is like, ‘MY last name, d**mit, MY NAME,’ and she could be like, ‘Ha, your name isn’t even ON the paper, bro, who are you?'”
“This is why marriage provides legal protection. Boyfriend may think it’s a scam, but here is a great example! Marriage gives you rights.” – kittyscopeview
After receiving feedback, the OP shared the compromise she reached with her boyfriend.
“Many people are proposing that we hyphenate our last names as a solution, but both of our names are long and pretty difficult to spell as is. Mine is a long-a** Italian name, and his is a long-a** Norwegian one. A hyphenated last name will make the kid sound like some kind of royalty, lol.”
“The overwhelming majority here have favored the baby having my last name, which makes me feel much less crazy. Too much could go wrong if he keeps refusing to marry me, and I want to be able to give this baby the best childhood and care I can.”
“Since reading your comments, my boyfriend and I have reached a compromise. The baby will have my last name as their last name, and they will have his last name as their middle name.”
“Their first name will be a name that’s traditionally passed down in his family, depending on whether they are a boy or a girl. No matter how this goes, I want them to have their father in their life and feel connected to him and to his family, and their passed down names are beautiful, so I’m happy with this decision.”
“Also, for those who asked, if my boyfriend and I were to ever split, and then I found someone else to date and marry, I’d decide then whether I wanted to keep my name or change it, and I’d also let my child decide what they wanted their name to be.”
The subReddit couldn’t help but side-eye the OP’s boyfriend not only for not wanting to commit to marriage after getting his girlfriend pregnant but also for accusing her of “pressuring him” into marriage and holding their baby’s name “hostage.”
If he wanted to be a committed father, the reality was that he needed to be a committed partner to the OP. Even if he didn’t love the idea of marriage in the legal sense, it made sense for the three of them to share the same name and household.
If the boyfriend refused to see it that way, it might be better for the OP and her child to start fresh after they were born, whether her boyfriend wanted to be in his child’s life or not. He’d have to commit to something: staying in touch.