While there’s still some societal pressure to procreate, more and more couples are feeling the freedom to choose to not have children.
But sometimes child-free signals to others that they’re available to provide childcare.
A woman turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her brother-in-law decided she was a free source of childcare for her niece.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Strange-Teacher9653 asked:
“AITAH for telling my sister that I won’t be after school care for her 5-year-old daughter?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (female, 40) work for my father’s company as an accountant. My sister (female, 38) works for the city we live in, and my brother-in-law (BIL-male, 35) also works for my dad, but in a different capacity and position in the field.”
“For context, my dad is a licensed electrician and he’s built and maintained a successful business for over 30 years.”
“School started in our county two weeks ago. Last week, my brother-in-law shows up at my office and drops off my niece.”
“He asked if I could watch her for the afternoon, and I said of course. Then he proceeded to drop her off every day after that at the same time. On Friday, I was asked if it was OK if I watched her for the rest of the school year.”
“I am childless by choice. I don’t particularly want to watch my niece every single week day.”
“I don’t like that it was assumed I would do so. I don’t mind helping, but I am at work during this time and I don’t like that I am juggling two things at once.”
“My dad is OK with me keeping her and is pretty much staying out of this arrangement. After school care is offered in our district for $25 per week.”
“My mouth hit the floor when I heard the cost. I’m trying to figure out why I’m even in this position when after school care is $25 a week.”
“I grew up in the after care program and so did my sister. The fact that they don’t take advantage of it baffles me. And I can’t get a straight answer as to why.”
“When I said, ‘no, I don’t want to be the primary care for her after school,’ my BIL reacted strongly and told my dad that he’d need afternoons off because I said I would not watch her.”
“Part of me feels like I just need to suck it up and watch her because ‘you do for family.’ The other part of me wants to stick to my guns and keep saying no.”
“At one point I actually said to my dad, ‘if I were a brother and not a sister, this would not be an issue’.”
“But, to reiterate, my husband and I are childless by choice. That should tell you I made a decision to not be obliged to take care of children. I am not the one who failed at planning appropriately for my child.”
“So AITAH for trying to draw this line in the sand with my sister and BIL?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not worong to say no (NTA).
“NTA. She isn’t your kid. They can just pay $25 a WEEK. That is nothing. Heck your dad would probably give him a $25/week raise if $25 is a significant amount where you live.” ~ K_A_irony
“I have a few questions…who watched this child when she wasn’t in school? Who will watch her on days she doesn’t have school like holidays , breaks, parent-teacher conferences, and what about if she’s sick and can’t go to school?”
“It’s a huge ask for anyone to put on another person. I didn’t have children either, and I happily pitched in on an as needed basis, but nope, wasn’t interested in blurring the lines between aunt and caregiver.”
“Stand your ground.” ~ Ice-Swallow
“This is killing me. $25 a f*ckin week??? Are you sh*tting me?? Most parents would tap dance all the way to the ATM for a sweet deal like this.”
“My question is why is the $25 after school care not as good as the adult on the clock at a job that isn’t at a daycare?? How tf is it even considered remotely acceptable to randomly drop a kid on a child free woman who is, in fact, at work doing work things that require all her attention?”
“How do they feel op is a better fit that actual child care professionals who’s job is solely to look after kids? None of this makes sense and op is so NTA my eyes crossed at the sheer audacity of the BIL. W. T. F!” ~ HeyPrettyLadyMaam
“That was them explaining their plan all along was you. They assumed you would suck it up and do it.”
“If the after school program still has openings available they need to sign their kid up there. They’ll get to be with other kids playing and going outside.”
“You’re working. Their kid would be cooped up in your office rt after school which is no good for their development. NTA and don’t feel bad they assumed and assumed wrong.” ~ TooTallBrawl1919
“$25 a week for childcare is nothing. Your BIL is likely LOSING more money by pretending this is so complicated and that the only solution requires him to have afternoons off.”
“BIL and sister need to get a grip and not pretend this situation is a mountain when it’s barely a pebble and so easily solved.” ~ Visual_Patience_41
“Nope. Their monkey, their circus. You are not a parent because you don’t want to be a parent. BIL is being an AH, $25 is dead cheap for child care.” ~ Antique-Agent-2992
“Right? I saw 25 and was like, ‘scuse me ma’am?. Absolutely cheap. BIL is being a manipulative asshole OP.”
“Put your foot down. Let your father deal with his employees. He has ran this business. He is more than capable.”
“Say no, I am at work. End of subject. End of explaining. Put your foot down before you become permanent unpaid babysitter for all of their children.”
“Anyone who says anything about family helping family, immediately thank them for offering their time. Let them know you will inform BIL immediately of their generosity.” ~ NormalSkill2126
The OP provided an update:
“First off: Thank you everyone for validating my thoughts. I don’t post much and I’m always aware that I may be completely wrong when I do post something.”
“For anyone questioning why I was feeling guilty/bad about this, just know, I’m the oldest sister. I have a little sister on my dad’s side and one on my mom’s side. There really is something to those ‘oldest sister’ memes.”
“Next, I need to make a correction about the price of the after-school care. The document I pulled up was from a previous year, and it has, in fact, gone up to $40 a week this year.”
“This, according to a teacher friend, is because of rising costs of the crafts and snacks they provide. Still dirt cheap for childcare in my opinion, but I’m not a parent.”
“Now for the update—my dad stepped in and mediated and took the brunt of the blame for the initial miscommunication that implied I was OK with this whole arrangement.”
“We have come to a compromise and decided that I will watch my niece at my Dad’s house a couple of days a week and BIL will take the remaining days. He’ll have to leave 2.5 hours early on those days, and his pay will be docked accordingly.”
“He’s getting docked more than the $40 per week that after school care would cost per day he leaves work. But their finances are not my finances, so I’m taking a passive stand on that.”
“My pay is not going to be disturbed in any way, and I’ll be compensated for any extra time at work this causes me—this is significant bc I’m salary and don’t normally get overtime.”
“Some information came to light that I was previously unaware of regarding my sister and BIL’s relationship that I’m not comfortable sharing here, but it made me vastly more aware that I need to provide support for my sister right now.”
“Overall, I’m glad I stood my ground, and at this point I feel like keeping my niece a couple of days a week is an OK compromise and will allow me to create at better bond with her. I do love her, so this will give us time together.”
“And once again, my BIL can suck it.”
OP has decided to compromise on childcare, but now she’s volunteering instead of being voluntold and that makes a big difference.