Quality childcare is something many parents struggle to find. Once they find someone they trust, most will follow any rules their daycare provider has to keep their spot.
But sometimes the provider is a family member and the client decides rules don't apply to them.
A daycare provider dealing with a rule breaking relative turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Beneficial-Pea-13 asked:
"AITA for not taking my niece at daycare because my sister-in-law (SIL) didn't follow the policy?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (31, female) am a home daycare provider. My SIL 'Jenny' (29, female) recently enrolled my infant niece 'Pearl' in my daycare. I love having Pearl here and being a part of her development."
"I have a policy with diapers—I notify the parents when there's 20 or less diapers in their kid's supply. I communicate this verbally at pickup, and through email/text reminders."
"If they get down to 5 left at the start of a day, and the parent still hasn't brought any, their little one isn't allowed to come until they've brought some."
"Jenny was told multiple times recently that Pearl's supply was getting low, and her response was always 'Oops, I'll bring more tomorrow' but then she wouldn't do it. On Monday night, I sent her a text reminding her to bring diapers, and that I wouldn't be able to have Pearl here if she didn't have them."
"Naturally, Jenny shows up on Tuesday morning empty handed. Again with the 'I forgot'."
"I reminded her of the policy, no diapers no daycare. She got all mad about how Pearl is my niece and I can't 'just turn her away', can't I break the rules just this once, and that I have no idea how busy her life is and that moms forget things sometimes."
"I told Jenny that she needs to follow the same rules as everyone else, and she said that I should 'find room in my heart for exceptions'."
"AITA for not taking my niece at daycare because my SIL didn't follow the policy?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I could be the a**hole because she is kind of right the whole Mom brain thing and that it's easy to make mistakes/forget things sometimes when you've got a baby to look after."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Bend on this rule, next will be about payment." ~ throwaway2117000
"And then she'll expect to be able to drop her off when she's sick, or stay late without consequences."
"Holding family to rules is worse than strangers." ~ ImLittleNana
"The policy is the policy for a reason. Giving special treatment to family is the fastest way to undermine your entire business." ~ FunQuantity6074
"Yeah, this is 100% a 'give an inch, take a mile' scenario here. SIL is testing the waters to see what she can get away with."
"Good on OP to nip this nonsense in the bud right away." ~ HoldFastO2
"Jenny will absolutely try to get away with anything and everything that she can, family and all that. NTA."
"Where does Jenny think OP is going to get the diapers to change Pearl for the day? Does Jenny think that because OP is running a daycare that she keeps an endless supply of diapers of all sizes in her home somewhere?"
"Borrow from another child's supply? There is a policy for a reason." ~ PartyCustard3125
"This isn't about whether OP should have compassion for their SIL or working moms. This isn't about whether OP should be flexible and forgiving."
"This is about how if you do not have diapers for a child, you cannot uphold the standard of care that (1) you're probably legally required to hold and (2) will maintain your business' reputation with your other families."
"In other words, if it gets out that you have kids sitting in dirty diapers because you can't change them, you can get in trouble with regulators or lose customers. Not to mention the experience of the child themselves who may get a rash or spread the mess from their diaper."
"So, yes, NTA, but not even because of the impact of lenience. If the same policy was for something less crucial, but still against policy, it might be another story."
"But diapers are right up there with food and drinks as the most crucial requirements for a baseline of care. If you're sending your kid to daycare without sufficient supplies for them to be properly cared for, you're a bad mother." ~ CreativeGPX
"Not to mention the other parents would probably be upset knowing that the rule is apparently arbitrary." ~ Omnomfish
"When Pearl runs out of diapers, then what? Steal from your other customers to accommodate SIL's laziness?" ~ nellyfullauto
"NTA for sure. Good on you for holding true to the rules/boundaries that you set for all parents at your daycare. She's gotta learn that she can't use you simply because you're family."
"Continue to politely remind her that these are the rules, they apply to everyone, and you're not going to break them for any reason." ~ billbar
"NTA. She just wants a free source of diapers along with her daycare. She didn't 'forget', I'm sure she never allows herself to run out of them at home."
"Good for you for not bending the rules for an entitled relative." ~ Dame_Niafer
"If she's prone to being 'busy' and 'forgetting' frequently, it's on her to accomodate herself in rigid situations like this. She should buy the diapers in bulk so she doesn't have to restock as frequently."
"Maybe she could ask for a non-rule breaking/normal sister-in-law favor and see if she can order some diapers online and set the delivery to OP's house if she finds herself forgetting/unable to drop them off. Depending on the website, she could even do a subscription so they are delivered automatically on a schedule." ~ GahhhItsMilk
"I have ADHD. When I need to bring diapers with me to my daughter's sitter, I either put the package at my front door where I have to physically move it to leave, or I stick it in the car behind the seat where I put my daughter's bag every day. So I will see it and grab it with the bag when we get there."
"Ordering online is also such an easy solution. There are many options, so between that and the several reminders, there's no excuse." ~ LoveisaNewfie
"I'd set an alarm for 15 minutes before I leave that said 'don't forget diapers'. And another one for after work that said 'buy diapers today'."
"It's my job to manage my mind and as someone who's been dealing with this mind for over 40 years - it's so easy now with cell phones and being able to set alerts on something I almost always have on me." ~ username__0000
"I also have ADHD. I set reminders on my phone, put stuff by the door, put notes by the door, next to my keys. ADHD—or being a busy parent—isn't an excuse. It just means that you have to work a bit harder to make sure you don't forget things that are important."
"Also, forgetting once may be a genuine mistake, but it sounds like OP's SIL had multiple days and multiple warnings about this, and still didn't follow through. That's intentional, not an accident." ~ No-Stress-7034
"As a parent of a toddler, yes we forget sh*t all the time."
"But when you get a reminder about something needed for daycare, you go and you take the diapers and you put them at the front door."
"Or you put them in the car. Or you set a reminder. This isn't rocket science." ~ lozo78
"People like this like to push back on rules to get special treatment. So, I think she might have tried to push with another daycare, but she wouldn't have pushed back so hard after being refused."
"I can also imagine SIL will be talking smack about OP to all the family very shortly." ~
"How do you have a baby and not remember that you need diapers every flipping day?" ~ Autumn_Falls0131
"She's hoping they will provide them free of charge each time she 'forgets.' Then, after some time, she will expect they will provide them free all the time. I can see it coming a mile away." ~ InstanceQuirky
"I'm five years into kids in daycare and when I've forgotten diapers…I drove home, got them, and came back. Inconvenient, yes, but lesson learned. OP's SIL needs to also learn." ~ Pm_me_some_dessert
"NTA. This is why you don't mix business and family/friends. They will try to get preferential treatment. You did the right thing for your business by standing your ground." ~ arlondiluthel
"She wanted to see what she could get away with. First this, then other things like not paying you tuition because 'you can't charge family money.'" ~ Gatodeluna
"NTA. If you make exceptions for Jenny, then what's the point of having rules? Imagine if your other clients knew you weren't enforcing the rules because shes family. She knew the rules, and you reminded here many times." ~ EwwDavvidd
"NTA. So she would prefer her kid to get diaper rash/yeast/bacterial infection, or UTI and be miserable because she's careless about bringing a package of diapers to daycare? Does she expect you to supply them because you're family, or would she do this at every daycare?"
"I'd remind her that you are a licensed business and that you are not putting your business or an innocent child at risk because of parental negligence. You did the right thing."
"I would definitely reconsider accepting Pearl in your daycare though. It sounds like her mother is untrustworthy and irresponsible. This is potentially a huge risk for you."
"Not only arguing about policies but for her to pay you regularly since 'Pearl is your niece'. She will expect you to go above and beyond because you're family and she'll expect it for free." ~ Bluntandfiesty
As one person pointed out, this is a health and safety issue as well as a business rule.
If Jenny can't be a responsible adult, maybe Pearl isn't the only one in need of daycare.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp