Content Warning: Ableism
We’ve all heard stories of family members coming forward with demands and citing “family” to get what they want.
But while they expect family to be family “through thick and thin” when it comes to their wishes and demands, there are unfortunately a lot of families out there who practice extremely conditional love, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor KickVivid2074 had not been in contact with his parents in a long time, specifically because they would not accept his then-future-wife into the family, because she was Deaf.
When they suddenly wanted to be in his life again, because he was a new father, the Original Poster (OP) did not want to let them back in and give them another opportunity to hurt his wife.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to let my parents meet my children because they didn’t want me to marry my Deaf wife?”
The OP went no contact with his parents when they judged his wife for being Deaf.
“My parents didn’t see that my wife (28 Female), Jessie, has a big heart and has an awesome personality or how beautiful she is. All they saw was that she was Deaf.”
“I (29 Male) asked them how ignorant they could be. They argued that she would pass her disability on to any children we have. They said they wouldn’t accept her into the family.”
“I said, ‘Then you aren’t accepted into ours, and any children we have, you aren’t going to know about them.'”
“Jessie cried when I reluctantly had to tell her why they weren’t attending our wedding. I hated them more for that.”
“Only my sister (29 Female) came, and she’s the only one I still speak to, but I haven’t spoken to or seen my parents since.”
When the OP and Jessie had twins, his parents demanded to be in their lives again.
“We now have twins, a boy and a girl. Neither of them are Dear or Hard of Hearing.”
“My sister came to visit and said our parents found out about them. They asked her to ask me and Jessie if they would meet them.”
“I immediately shut that down. I told my sister to remind them that they rejected Jessie first, and they can f**k off.”
“My sister later texted and said they both wanted to apologize. I said it was too late.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“I told Jessie about the request, and she said that maybe we would reconsider and take it slow.”
“My friend said it could be the healing and closure that I need. I don’t know if I want it.”
“I don’t know if they want to see my children because they found out they aren’t Deaf.”
“I don’t know if I’m being selfish and only thinking about how I feel.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he’d done the right thing, and his parents did not deserve to be in his, his wife’s, or his twins’ lives.
“NTA. If your kids were Deaf, they wouldn’t want to meet them.” – Clean_Permit_3791
“If you didn’t have (hearing) kids, they never would have reached out.”
“They still don’t want your wife to be part of the family. They ONLY want access to the grandkids.”
“Your wife is not an incubator. She deserves respect.”
“NTA. Keep these toxic people away.”
“Imagine years down the road, when one of your kids asks, ‘Grandma, why do you never interact with my mommy?’ And Grandma says, ‘Because she’s Deaf and not worthy.'” – DolwantToKnow6417
“NTA. They still aren’t interested in a relationship with your wife, just your hearing grandchildren. The twins can hear, but what if you have another child who is Deaf? Will your parents treat that child equally?”
“It is too much of a risk that your parents will hurt your wife again and thereby your children. If they had reached out before their hearing grandchildren were born, their apologies may have seemed genuine, but they missed that window of reconciliation.” – Pikelets_for_tea
“90% of the kids of Deaf parents are born hearing, but what if the next grandchild were among the 10% who were Deaf, born to a Deaf parent? Would OP’s parents just ignore that one in favor of the hearing ones?”
“If I did agree to resume contact, I’d be on record from Day One saying that if the grandparents were to treat any future Deaf grandkids as inferior to the hearing ones, they’d promptly lose all access to ALL the grandkids. You value them all the same, or you don’t get to see any of them. This is non-negotiable.” – Either_Coconut
“They rejected OP, too, based on his decision to marry what they see as a lesser person. They are parents who voluntarily chose a life without their son.”
“OP alone is not good enough for them. He and his wife are getting this ‘opportunity’ only because ‘I want my grandbabies.'”
“OP and his wife are a necessary means to an end. They are an exception that must be made for them to get what they want.”
“This is conditional and selfish love. These people do not deserve OP, his wonderful wife, or their grandchildren.” – 1quirky1
“NTA. If the kids weren’t hearing, or you had one later who was Deaf, they wouldn’t want anything to do with them.”
“Your kids are gonna grow up learning and conversing in sign, and I can’t imagine what your parents would say about that, but I know they wouldn’t learn it, and they’d make comments about it where your kids could hear and be hurt.”
“Your wife does have a big heart, but you need to continue to have a big spine and say no.”
“You’re not being selfish; you’re being smart and protective of your family. Your parents STILL don’t see your wife as family. Or they would’ve apologized a long time ago. They just want access to their (confirmed) hearing grandkids. Don’t expose your kids or your wife to their prejudice.” – Beneficial-Sort4795
Others gave a long list of requirements they’d need fulfilled before they’d allow these grandparents around the twins.
“NTA. They can come when they have learned sign language.” – CaligulaCan
“I’d ask for an admission of what they’ve done and an apology in sign language.”
“If there’s clear contrition and effort in learning sign in order to fully accept his wife, then let them apologize to her.”
“Then have a discussion of how they’ll be introduced to the children and the role they’ll play and boundaries that need to be respected.”
“Then and only then. NTA.” – DtownBronx
“If you wish to, OP… with agreement with the wife, you might accept a full-throated, unalloyed apology from them for how they’ve insulted you both in general, and an apology for rejecting your wife in particular.”
“Then, and only then, over time, with testing, see if they’re safe enough to introduce your kids to…if you want to.” – Duke_Newcombe
“My two cents, if they want even an iota of a chance, they need to learn basic sign language to communicate with your wife first. That will show that they really mean it. I wouldn’t let anybody have access to my kids if they couldn’t communicate with me or my spouse.” – dentalgirl74
“NTA. I have a compromise. Pass along this message.”
“‘We will accept your apology, but we have two conditions. First, you both have to apologize to our faces (a proper apology includes acknowledging and a plan to change). Second, you have to use ASL to do it.'”
“If they do it, they’re showing it’s not just because the kids are hearing. If they refuse, it’s clear they still don’t accept your wife.” – Pleasant-Onion157
“I think them going the extra mile to learn sign language would be helpful if they were doing it for the right reasons. But I can completely see them learning just enough signing to apologize and appear contrite, and then no more because the only reason is to get back into OP’s life to meet his children.”
“And even then, are they going to learn to sign properly or do what a lot of hearing people think signing is which isn’t a language with its own syntax and grammar? I also wouldn’t trust them to not verbally say things to the kids when OP can’t see it, against the kids learning to sign, such as ‘you don’t need to. You can hear,’ neglecting the fact that signing is the language their mother uses.”
“(I attempted to learn sign, I still know a little, but I have a visual processing disorder. Being unable to visually process a visual language didn’t work so well…)” – Unique-Ratio-4648
“Not only is this VERY conditional love, but the condition here is that their grandbabies are HEARING. If the babies were Deaf, I really doubt that OP’s parents would have changed their minds and hearts, perhaps even felt justified in their rejection.”
“Would they still want to be a part of the grandchildren’s lives if they ever lose their hearing or develop another disability? Or is their love conditioned on the requirement that the babies remain not disabled? Will they blame OP’s wife for any disability that could arise?”
“This does not feel like an opportunity for healing and closure; it feels like an opportunity for OP’s parents to exert control over his life again on their terms, without an interrogation of their previous bigoted and self-centered behavior.” – ProfSnugglesworth
The subReddit applauded the OP for standing by his wife, given how his parents had disrespected her, and for setting a good example that his children would understand when they were older.
It would be wonderful for every family to be happy and whole, and the more, the merrier.
But that falls flat when someone doesn’t treat others like family, and there was no question in the subReddit’s minds that the OP’s children would be treated better than his wife and any child they might have who was hard-of-hearing or Deaf in the future.