Homophobia is still sadly very present in the world. Though gay rights are at an all time high across the globe, not everybody is on the same page. And within the gay community, there is homophobia. Specifically against bisexual people–there is a serious amount of bi-erasure within the gay community.
So when Redditor Firm_Ninja_4603, a bisexual man, was set up on a date with a homophobic woman, he decided to call out his matchmaker. The matchmaker was none too happy with being called out.
Needing objective feedback, he went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” to get opinions on his behavior from objective strangers.
He asked:
“AITA for mocking my friend about her failed effort to set me up with someone?”
Our original poster, or OP, set up the situation that lead to the disastrous date.
“Okay. I (27M[ale]) am single and bi. My friend is a person who loves to set people up and she is generally very good at it.”
“She introduced me to a friend of hers. This girl was funny, smart and hot. we hit it off and we were talking to each other a lot, sharing memes and flirting.”
“Things started going downhill when she send me a video of an out athlete and I joked that I had a crush on him in the past.”
After this revelation, some uncomfortable conversations took place.
“She took some time to reply to that and then asked me some uncomfortable questions about my sexuality.”
“She asked me if had been with a man, She asked me about my sexual experiences with men and some more questions along that line.”
“I answered them mostly because some people are curious and open about sex and that is fine but after that our communication slowed to a crawl.”
“I got the message that she was not interested and stopped talking to her. I told my friend about this and she just shrugged and said that sucks.”
Then, OP went to make a joke about it, since he didn’t take it that seriously.
“A few of my friend circle met up for a brunch last Sunday and we were talking and having fun and in the midst of a conversation she was playfully boasting about her ability to set people up.”
“I said ‘Yeah sure, So skilled that you set me up with a homophobic woman.’ I was teasing her but I think she took it personally and she stopped laughing.”
“She defended her friend by saying that she was not open minded enough right now and then became very quiet. Which is totally not her. it kinda killed the vibe.”
“My friends think she feels guilty about this and I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“I do feel a bit guilty as I am sure she would never have done this if she had known that her friend would not be cool with bi guys.”
“I am not really cut up about the relation not working out and I am kind of used to it so I feel guilty about ruining her day over something that didn’t really matter to me.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors, in a rare turn of events, didn’t think anybody was necessarily at fault here.
“You know, I think you’re both open-minded, caring people.”
“Maybe take your best friend her favourite coffee or take her out for a meal and explain how you loved her intention and know she just wanted you to be happy.”
“Unfortunately it was a shock to you and a bit more than just ‘sucked’ to be turned down due to that girl’s conservative views.”
“I’m sure if you guys are such great friends, she will apologize and you guys can get over this together. It doesn’t feel good to sit on bad feelings when you both meant well.”~FairyOfTheNight
“Yeah, I would apologize. I’m also going with NAH. I don’t think you really did anything that wrong, but the way you’re describing it, she’s a really good friend who actually means well.”
“Chances are her day was ruined because she might feel kinda guilty setting you up with that girl, and is kinda defensive because of it. Seems like she didn’t know.”
“So just like… apologize as a favour to her, I guess.”~Jazzisa
“Dude, should have mentioned you were a guy. I almost doubletaked when I read homophobic woman.”
“Like how could she be homophobic if went out with another girl? Shit I almost thought she was hetero-phobic lmao.”
“ANYWAYS, NAH. ‘She defended her friend by saying that she was not open minded enough right now and then became very quiet.'”
“Sorry hun, homophobia is a choice.”
“Her friend’s homophobic. If she can’t recognize that idk.”
“And anyways, what if you hadn’t told your date you had a crush on an athlete, and had gone out with her like usual, and had a connection.”
“And in a few months or weeks, when she figured out you were bi, broke up with you leaving an emotional mess behind, all cause she is ‘not open minded enough right now’ a.k.a seriously homophobic?”~Southern-Currency-13
“She might be fine being around people of all sorts of persuasions but not comfortable enough/confident in herself enough to handle a relationship with a bi person.”
“Honestly seems like she got insecure, I remember hearing people worry about crushing on someone who was bi but wouldn’t make the move because they felt they’d get jealous of their crushes interactions with everyone not just one gender.”
“I’ve heard this from straight and gay people. It can take another level of confidence/trust to be mature enough for that relationship.”
“That being said she should have respectfully told OP that she wasn’t in a place to handle a relationship with OP, through no fault of OPs.”
“OP seems wonderfully mature, I sincerely mean this, and am wishing the best for him and friends.”~Purple_Elderberry_20
Since OP didn’t really mean any harm and kind of feels bad for it, Reddit is merciful.
“NAH I guess you probably wouldn’t have known she’d be sensitive about it, but I guess she feels guilty as she thinks it upset you, and maybe lowered her opinion of someone she considered a friend.”
“Maybe have a chat with her and let her know you weren’t that bothered by it and that you won’t joke about it again if it bothers her?”
“(But not in a snarky ‘I guess I can’t joke about anything anymore way,’ not that I need to warn you, specifically, just it could come out that way) 🤷🏻♀️”~Wise_Date_5357
“Mmm… NAH You didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, but she obviously feels bad. If you care about that, just briefly apologize, tell her you didn’t mean to make her feel bad, and no one gets it right every time.”
“Hell, even Babe Ruth had more strike outs than home runs.”
“If you really mean it, let her know that it wasn’t a big deal to you that you happened to be one of her strikeouts, but you’re sure she’s hit it out of the park before.”
“TBH though, I’m kinda picking up vibes that you might not be that okay with the set up?”
“Either because this girl thinks she’s good at it when she isn’t, or because having someone lose interest in you over your bi-ness is a sh*tty feeling, no matter how used to it you are.”~reistybeasty
“I mean, you killed the vibe. You have the right to be upset at how that girl treated you, and you have the right to tell your friend that you don’t want to be set up with anyone homophobic.”
“But that is a serious conversation. It’s not funny. Of course she took it personally! You made it personal.”
“You made this passive aggressive ‘joke’ instead of talking to her privately about how you feel about this situation.”
“If I was her, I would have taken this as a public scolding. Because that’s what you did. I don’t think you’re TA though. I guess NAH?”~ConsistentCheesecake
“NAH. I know lots of people can’t see a reason why the woman would act like that besides being homophobic, but I can offer at least one explanation.”
“For my entire 20s I was in a relationship with someone who repeatedly lied and cheated on me and constantly used their sexuality struggle to excuse it.”
“I never found him being with men to be gross or wrong, but the lying to me and cheating on me to be gross and wrong.”
“And this was over the course of a very long time where I was constantly second guessing myself as a person and keeping myself in check like I was the one with an issue because I couldn’t let him work through what he needed to work through.”
“I never blamed his bisexuality, but he did CONSTANTLY. It messed with my head for a very long time and I spent 10 years following that relationship learning to trust any man of any sexuality.”
“I wouldn’t not date someone because they’re bi now, but it would almost be impossible for me to question when the topic of their attraction to others comes up if I’m good enough to keep them satisfied.”
“This happens with straight men too. I drop the ball in the middle of love connections all the time because I’m afraid of feeling as helpless as I felt then.”~PossumJenkinsSoles
Sometimes, though, jokes just don’t land. Everybody knows that.
“NAH. I can see that you were being light hearted in your approach and didn’t mean any harm.”
“And I can see that her reaction was likely from a place of feeling embarrassed for getting something wrong, or guilt, etc. You both seem like nice people.”~manillafolders
“NAH. I mean, if she is your friend I’m not sure why she didn’t fully make sure that the person she hooked you up with was aware of your sexuality first.”
“Im sure it could have came up when she asked ‘what are they like?’….I mean, that’s just common sense. “W
“hat if you would have really fallen for this girl, only for her to reject you later down the line? That’s your friends fault for hooking you up with a terrible fit.”
“I dunno if her choosing not to date a bisexual makes her a ‘raging homophobe’ tho. She could be ok with the lifestyle, but may not want to have that relationship and that’s well within her rights.”~Ambry215
“NAH, I doubt she intentionally set you up with a biphobic person. Also, as a bisexual man, I totally get the frustration haha.”
“Some people I’ve known for years are still like, ‘sooo how does this bi thing work?’ as if bisexuality is some super difficult concept to understand.”
“And also there are tons of girls who feel like it’s okay to be casually biphobic and be like ‘Yeah, I don’t know if I could date a guy who’s been with other men!'”
“As if it’s a reasonable preference and not a bigoted statement lol. At least she revealed herself before you guys got too invested in each other!”~TheLinguaFranca
“NAH Your joke may have been a little severe but ultimately it was still a joke. Your friend did the right thing. She defended her friend while still trying to be respectful of you.”
“That’s commendable. Loyalty is commendable. I don’t think the girl you were talking to is bad either.”
“And I’m not sure calling her a homophobe is fair. I know a lot of people who don’t care about someone’s sexuality until it intersects with their own. (as long as it’s consensual and harmless).”
“Judging her for who she is comfortable sleeping with seems a little bit too similar to judging anyone for who they sleep with. Which is bigotry.”~Imaginary_Dinner_625
So while nobody is really at fault here, a misunderstanding is still a misunderstanding and needs to be addressed.
Hopefully OP and his friend can move past this slightly difficult moment easily.