Homophobia is still sadly very present in the world. Though gay rights are at an all time high across the globe, not everybody is on the same page. And within the gay community, there is homophobia. Specifically against bisexual people--there is a serious amount of bi-erasure within the gay community.
So when Redditor Firm_Ninja_4603, a bisexual man, was set up on a date with a homophobic woman, he decided to call out his matchmaker. The matchmaker was none too happy with being called out.
Needing objective feedback, he went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" to get opinions on his behavior from objective strangers.
He asked:
"AITA for mocking my friend about her failed effort to set me up with someone?"
Our original poster, or OP, set up the situation that lead to the disastrous date.
"Okay. I (27M[ale]) am single and bi. My friend is a person who loves to set people up and she is generally very good at it."
"She introduced me to a friend of hers. This girl was funny, smart and hot. we hit it off and we were talking to each other a lot, sharing memes and flirting."
"Things started going downhill when she send me a video of an out athlete and I joked that I had a crush on him in the past."
After this revelation, some uncomfortable conversations took place.
"She took some time to reply to that and then asked me some uncomfortable questions about my sexuality."
"She asked me if had been with a man, She asked me about my sexual experiences with men and some more questions along that line."
"I answered them mostly because some people are curious and open about sex and that is fine but after that our communication slowed to a crawl."
"I got the message that she was not interested and stopped talking to her. I told my friend about this and she just shrugged and said that sucks."
Then, OP went to make a joke about it, since he didn't take it that seriously.
"A few of my friend circle met up for a brunch last Sunday and we were talking and having fun and in the midst of a conversation she was playfully boasting about her ability to set people up."
"I said 'Yeah sure, So skilled that you set me up with a homophobic woman.' I was teasing her but I think she took it personally and she stopped laughing."
"She defended her friend by saying that she was not open minded enough right now and then became very quiet. Which is totally not her. it kinda killed the vibe."
"My friends think she feels guilty about this and I shouldn't have brought it up."
"I do feel a bit guilty as I am sure she would never have done this if she had known that her friend would not be cool with bi guys."
"I am not really cut up about the relation not working out and I am kind of used to it so I feel guilty about ruining her day over something that didn't really matter to me."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors, in a rare turn of events, didn't think anybody was necessarily at fault here.
"You know, I think you're both open-minded, caring people."
"Maybe take your best friend her favourite coffee or take her out for a meal and explain how you loved her intention and know she just wanted you to be happy."
"Unfortunately it was a shock to you and a bit more than just 'sucked' to be turned down due to that girl's conservative views."
"I'm sure if you guys are such great friends, she will apologize and you guys can get over this together. It doesn't feel good to sit on bad feelings when you both meant well."~FairyOfTheNight
"Yeah, I would apologize. I'm also going with NAH. I don't think you really did anything that wrong, but the way you're describing it, she's a really good friend who actually means well."
"Chances are her day was ruined because she might feel kinda guilty setting you up with that girl, and is kinda defensive because of it. Seems like she didn't know."
"So just like... apologize as a favour to her, I guess."~Jazzisa
"Dude, should have mentioned you were a guy. I almost doubletaked when I read homophobic woman."
"Like how could she be homophobic if went out with another girl? Shit I almost thought she was hetero-phobic lmao."
"ANYWAYS, NAH. 'She defended her friend by saying that she was not open minded enough right now and then became very quiet.'"
"Sorry hun, homophobia is a choice."
"Her friend's homophobic. If she can't recognize that idk."
"And anyways, what if you hadn't told your date you had a crush on an athlete, and had gone out with her like usual, and had a connection."
"And in a few months or weeks, when she figured out you were bi, broke up with you leaving an emotional mess behind, all cause she is 'not open minded enough right now' a.k.a seriously homophobic?"~Southern-Currency-13
"She might be fine being around people of all sorts of persuasions but not comfortable enough/confident in herself enough to handle a relationship with a bi person."
"Honestly seems like she got insecure, I remember hearing people worry about crushing on someone who was bi but wouldn't make the move because they felt they'd get jealous of their crushes interactions with everyone not just one gender."
"I've heard this from straight and gay people. It can take another level of confidence/trust to be mature enough for that relationship."
"That being said she should have respectfully told OP that she wasn't in a place to handle a relationship with OP, through no fault of OPs."
"OP seems wonderfully mature, I sincerely mean this, and am wishing the best for him and friends."~Purple_Elderberry_20
Since OP didn't really mean any harm and kind of feels bad for it, Reddit is merciful.
"NAH I guess you probably wouldn't have known she'd be sensitive about it, but I guess she feels guilty as she thinks it upset you, and maybe lowered her opinion of someone she considered a friend."
"Maybe have a chat with her and let her know you weren't that bothered by it and that you won't joke about it again if it bothers her?"
"(But not in a snarky 'I guess I can't joke about anything anymore way,' not that I need to warn you, specifically, just it could come out that way) 🤷🏻♀️"~Wise_Date_5357
"Mmm... NAH You didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but she obviously feels bad. If you care about that, just briefly apologize, tell her you didn't mean to make her feel bad, and no one gets it right every time."
"Hell, even Babe Ruth had more strike outs than home runs."
"If you really mean it, let her know that it wasn't a big deal to you that you happened to be one of her strikeouts, but you're sure she's hit it out of the park before."
"TBH though, I'm kinda picking up vibes that you might not be that okay with the set up?"
"Either because this girl thinks she's good at it when she isn't, or because having someone lose interest in you over your bi-ness is a sh*tty feeling, no matter how used to it you are."~reistybeasty
"I mean, you killed the vibe. You have the right to be upset at how that girl treated you, and you have the right to tell your friend that you don't want to be set up with anyone homophobic."
"But that is a serious conversation. It's not funny. Of course she took it personally! You made it personal."
"You made this passive aggressive 'joke' instead of talking to her privately about how you feel about this situation."
"If I was her, I would have taken this as a public scolding. Because that's what you did. I don't think you're TA though. I guess NAH?"~ConsistentCheesecake
"NAH. I know lots of people can't see a reason why the woman would act like that besides being homophobic, but I can offer at least one explanation."
"For my entire 20s I was in a relationship with someone who repeatedly lied and cheated on me and constantly used their sexuality struggle to excuse it."
"I never found him being with men to be gross or wrong, but the lying to me and cheating on me to be gross and wrong."
"And this was over the course of a very long time where I was constantly second guessing myself as a person and keeping myself in check like I was the one with an issue because I couldn't let him work through what he needed to work through."
"I never blamed his bisexuality, but he did CONSTANTLY. It messed with my head for a very long time and I spent 10 years following that relationship learning to trust any man of any sexuality."
"I wouldn't not date someone because they're bi now, but it would almost be impossible for me to question when the topic of their attraction to others comes up if I'm good enough to keep them satisfied."
"This happens with straight men too. I drop the ball in the middle of love connections all the time because I'm afraid of feeling as helpless as I felt then."~PossumJenkinsSoles
Sometimes, though, jokes just don't land. Everybody knows that.
"NAH. I can see that you were being light hearted in your approach and didn't mean any harm."
"And I can see that her reaction was likely from a place of feeling embarrassed for getting something wrong, or guilt, etc. You both seem like nice people."~manillafolders
"NAH. I mean, if she is your friend I'm not sure why she didn't fully make sure that the person she hooked you up with was aware of your sexuality first."
"Im sure it could have came up when she asked 'what are they like?'….I mean, that's just common sense. "W
"hat if you would have really fallen for this girl, only for her to reject you later down the line? That's your friends fault for hooking you up with a terrible fit."
"I dunno if her choosing not to date a bisexual makes her a 'raging homophobe' tho. She could be ok with the lifestyle, but may not want to have that relationship and that's well within her rights."~Ambry215
"NAH, I doubt she intentionally set you up with a biphobic person. Also, as a bisexual man, I totally get the frustration haha."
"Some people I've known for years are still like, 'sooo how does this bi thing work?' as if bisexuality is some super difficult concept to understand."
"And also there are tons of girls who feel like it's okay to be casually biphobic and be like 'Yeah, I don't know if I could date a guy who's been with other men!'"
"As if it's a reasonable preference and not a bigoted statement lol. At least she revealed herself before you guys got too invested in each other!"~TheLinguaFranca
"NAH Your joke may have been a little severe but ultimately it was still a joke. Your friend did the right thing. She defended her friend while still trying to be respectful of you."
"That's commendable. Loyalty is commendable. I don't think the girl you were talking to is bad either."
"And I'm not sure calling her a homophobe is fair. I know a lot of people who don't care about someone's sexuality until it intersects with their own. (as long as it's consensual and harmless)."
"Judging her for who she is comfortable sleeping with seems a little bit too similar to judging anyone for who they sleep with. Which is bigotry."~Imaginary_Dinner_625
So while nobody is really at fault here, a misunderstanding is still a misunderstanding and needs to be addressed.
Hopefully OP and his friend can move past this slightly difficult moment easily.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.