It's true that kids sometimes say the darnedest things, whether they're funny, clever, or mean.
The most important thing is how these statements are responded to, and that discipline or a conversation is provided when needed, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
When Redditor Gloomy-Bluebird-4531 came home and heard his tween son berating his own mother for how she was doing the laundry, he knew he had to step in.
But when his mother criticized him for how he was raising her grandson, the Original Poster (OP) was furious about her meddling.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for making my 12-year-old son take care of himself and his ten-year-old brother for a week?"
The OP was shocked when he heard how his son was talking to his wife.
"I came home about a month ago and caught my son yelling at his mom about his clothes."
"He was asking her how hard it was to make sure his clothes were cleaned."
The OP took immediate action.
"I took him to the laundry room and made him do laundry for the family. I taught him what clothes could go together and what should not."
"My wife is a teacher, and she works her a** off to make sure we have a nice home to live in."
"She tells me what she needs me to do, and I take care of it. Beyond my share of the housework, I mean."
The OP decided to take the punishment a couple of steps further.
"Well, my kid needs to be punished and I thought of the best possible way to do it."
"I'm sending my wife to Mexico with her school friends over spring break. I'm going to work from home that week and keep an eye on the kids."
"It won't be difficult because I'm putting the older one in charge of the younger one. He will be doing laundry, making breakfast and lunch for both of them, and making sure the kitchen and dining room stay clean."
The OP's son was upset.
"He said it's unfair to make him work over spring break."
"I asked him if he thought it was a full-time job to do all that I was expecting of him."
"He said yes, it was a full-time job."
"I pointed out that his mother and I both have full-time jobs and still manage to do everything that he is whining about."
His son then got his grandmother involved.
"He called my mom to see if he could stay there for spring break."
"She tried to tell me I was being cruel to her poor baby."
"I asked her what exactly she and my father would have done to me if I had yelled at her for not doing my laundry."
"She said that it was a different time."
"I said he could stay with her if she was willing to tell him, in front of me, all the punishments I endured when I lived at home."
"She said he could not stay there."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some applauded the OP for stepping in and standing up for his wife.
"This is a great husband and dad! He should be cloned!"
"He understood his wife needs a break."
"He ensured that his kid who was disrespectful to his wife is getting the appropriate wake-up call."
"He drilled home the importance of equality in chores with your partner."
"He made his kid be responsible when he would rather play, which is how he needs to get ready for adulting."
"This makes so much sense." - Turbulent_Patience_3
"OP's son will look back one day and realize it wasn't punishment, but a life lesson. I'd vote for him as the father of the year." - Snoo-25079
"NTA. And as an overworked, underappreciated wife and mom of three, I WISH there were more husbands like this! Keep being a good partner for your wife." - mygivead**nsbusted22
"I also would have a talk with mom and see if this is a regular occurrence, or if he snapped and yelled one time. 12 is old enough to know that it's not okay to yell and belittle people."
"But it's also young enough to get overwhelmed about one aspect of life, not have the emotional maturity or insight to know how to handle it, and take it out on another part of your life."
"Again, it's not okay to yell at mom. But if this was a one-time thing, then he may be having something else going on in his life that he doesn't know how to talk about. It wouldn't excuse his actions, but it would warrant a conversation on how to handle what's bothering him, and future stressors." - Constant-Bowl
"NTA at all. In fact, you're being a great role model and Dad (even if he doesn't thank you for it now and grandma is trying to guilt trip you)."
"YOU made it clear to us as the audience that you help with your share of the chores."
"(Hopefully) This likely means that both boys also have their share of age-friendly chores, if they don't yet, now is the time to start! (For the younger, pick up toys, fold towels, put away silverware, feed the dog, etc.)"
"You can make chores or task cards to help break down each chore or room that says how to complete correctly. Make age-appropriate ones for each out of index cards (can add pics for the younger one!) And give them a number of tasks or a room each day! They have been a great tool for my girl who is Autistic, 12 now, and started at 3!"
"You're showing it is not okay to speak to his Mom with this disrespect and hopefully during this week you reiterate that Mom has to do all of this on top of her full-time job, AND tell him to just imagine how she felt when he said that to her after her long day of work."
"This one is a multi-concern. First, it concerns me that your son called his grandma to try to get around the punishment that had been given to him, that shows a lack of responsibility for what he did wrong, a lack of understanding of what he did wrong, and lack respect for your punishment authority."
"B. Grandma was pushing against your punishment, and willing to let the punishment be set aside after it was communicated to your son, showing (to your son and you all) a lack of respect for both you and your wife. This is a problem and will keep happening until clear boundaries are set that undermining you as parents, or inferring you're being unfair won't be allowed."
"C. Your wife deserves your mother's respect too and she should be appalled at the way your son spoke to his mom and her daughter-in-law (telling him he said the crime he gets to do the time)."
"By setting clear boundaries with both of your sons and your Mother and their Grandmother, making your son take responsibility for his words and actions, having your sons participate equally in the household chores and upkeep as people who LIVE IN THE HOUSE EQUALLY as we all should (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, yard work, etc.), you being a caring and respectful husband who values his wife while knowing she needs time for herself (them seeing this too)."
"All of these things are going to combine into a great recipe for your boys being wonderful partners when they grow up. Well done, sir." - shadow_dancr
Others urged the OP to consider how his son was being raised by other people and content.
"NTA, but in addition to having him learn about the household tasks your wife normally handles, you also need to find out where he learned this behavior. Is he listening to incels on the internet? How could he possibly think yelling at his mother about his laundry was something he could or should do?"
"I think you have a deeper issue that you need to work on with your son. I also think if your older son has been exposed to misogynistic attitudes, you should make sure your younger son doesn't pick up on it, too. They both need to learn that women are partners, not maids, and that they need to pull their weight."
"As parents, both you and your wife have a responsibility to teach your boys to be good citizens and good partners. If they are going to have successful, healthy relationships as adults, they need to learn how to take care of a household and contribute equitably."
"Your sons should be completing household chores, not just during the week your wife is gone, but regularly until they move out. Assign age-appropriate tasks and rotate them so that by the time they move out, they have learned the skills they need in order to take care of their homes."
"I think your plan is a great start and I wish you luck!" - miyuki_m
"Where is the attitude coming from? Obviously not you, or grandma… Have some conversations with your kid and try to find the root of this, because it's something he's picking up from someone or somewhere."
"I've got a 13 and an 11 and while they can bratty in all the usual ways, I've never gotten anything like what you've described."
"Oh and NTA. Good parenting and standing up for your wife, and demonstrating a healthy relationship." - Matilda-17
"It's really scary if you aren't hyper-aware of what your kid is up to on the internet. There are content creators that are scary far-right but smart enough to start slow with the ideology."
"Even my partner, as an adult man, accidentally fell down a far-right rabbit hole with a YouTuber he used to enjoy, it started very slow a comment here, an idea that seems reasonable there, and before my partner knew it, he was buying into an ideology that he'd never come to on his own. Thankfully he snapped back and clued into what was happening."
"And my partner is an adult who is not easily swayed by others. Imagine how easy it is to get a child at an impressionable age to believe you. OP should look into who his child is following content-wise." - LokiCatofMischief
"My brother is also on the spectrum (he's 20 now), and he definitely fell into that alt-right rabbit hole back in the earlier YouTube days. Thankfully he's completely turned around now."
"But it took a long time. Even then, we had to start on the bigger things when he was older because there are some things you're just not equipped to understand when you're that young. There's a lot of nuances that come with unlearning cleverly concealed problematic talking points."
"I feel like you may end up going through the same thing with your son, but about sexism. Good luck to you both." - seensham
"At 12, it is likely behavior he is learning within his peer group. I have four kids, with the youngest now in high school. We encountered similar behavior on occasion, and it usually manifested within the friend group and then festered out. OP's kid is learning how to navigate and push boundaries."
"This isn't necessarily an issue of misogyny, more likely based on perceived entitlement." - Realistic-Site-3952
The subReddit was full of praise for the OP after he not only addressed the concerning behavior and stood up for his wife but also put together a related, age-appropriate punishment that would teach his son the severity of his words.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp