We all have certain little, annoying habits that we do that our romantic partner will notice and likely not care about.
But sometimes, there's something that we do that we deem "no big deal" that is alarmingly inconvenient, if not hurtful, to someone else, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Firm_Afternoon_8463 was struggling to sleep and so needed to not be disturbed when she was actually sleeping. She communicated to her boyfriend not to wake her, which she thought he understood.
When he proceeded to wake her to remind her to brush her teeth in the evening, the Original Poster (OP) was furious and could not believe that her boyfriend didn't remember asking her not to wake her up.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being angry that my boyfriend woke me up to 'brush my teeth' at 11:00 PM?"
The OP was furious after her boyfriend ignored her boundaries.
"I'm writing this at 12:00 AM, wide awake and fuming, because my boyfriend woke me up an hour ago to 'brush my teeth' after I've told him not to before."
"We've only been living together for two months (dating for four years), and this is the second time he's woken me up after I fell asleep early to brush my godd**n teeth."
"For context, I normally don't sleep until midnight or 1:00 AM, and he usually sleeps earlier than me for work (he wakes up at 5:30 AM on work days)."
"I work hybrid, so I sleep in most days and on in-person days (today), I wake up at 5:30 AM with him to make us breakfast and prep our lunches before heading to my 7:00 AM to 4:00 PM job."
"Then we come home, go get groceries, and I cook while he does dishes. Basically, we didn't finish cleaning until 8:00 PM, so I went straight to rest in bed after my shower while he played video games. I normally play with him, but I fell asleep browsing today."
The OP was awake and furious after her boyfriend woke her up.
"Two hours later at 10:00 PM, he finished playing and came to wake me up to brush."
"This has happened once before, and I've told him to leave me alone when I'm too tired."
"Today, I actually fell into a deep sleep and was super out of it, trying to mumble and push him away."
"He still insisted I wake up and then left after a while to put our clothes in the dryer, being loud as f**k so that woke me up fully. Well, I went to brush my teeth and tried to go back to sleep after, and I couldn't."
"I am p**sed out of my mind, and I want to scream at him, but he's peacefully asleep now after ruining mine."
"He started a new job this week and is working from home tomorrow, while I've got another full day in-person, so there's that, too."
The OP didn't understand why her boyfriend was behaving in this way.
"I feel like my sleep deprivation is making me so angry right now, but I can't understand why you would wake someone up midsleep to brush. It's not the end of the world to miss one night when I'm going to brush in the morning anyway."
"I normally brush/floss/tongue scrape/mouthwash every godd**n night. And he initiates kissing and making out with me practically every morning, so I don't think I have bad breath or morning breath anyway!"
"Before moving in together, I rarely fell asleep early, but these in-person days have been extremely exhausting for me."
"Irrelevant, but I checked his match history and he's lost all his games, so I can't help but feel like he was in a bad mood and just wanted to f**k with me."
"Thoughts? Is this normal, or am I overreacting?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some found the boyfriend's behavior to be weirdly controlling, not to mention harmful to the OP's sleep schedule.
"You're not overreacting. Missing one night of brushing isn't a crisis, but ruining your sleep absolutely is. The fact that you've told him before and he still did it (and then got defensive instead of apologizing) is the bigger issue."
"It's not about teeth; it's about respect." - lovelopetir
"This is completely straightforward: he did a thing to you, you told him not to do that thing again, he ignored you and did it anyway."
"You are not overreacting and s**t like this is a red flag."
"In what other situations will he ignore your autonomy? This wasn't something that had anything to do with him." - Lem0nadeLola
"NOR. He's being an inconsiderate and condescending pr**k. Not saying he always is, but this behavior is s**tty. This warrants a conversation, and he needs to understand that this is unacceptable."
"One: you're a grown a** adult, you don't need him to pick at it. Two: waking someone out of dead sleep is rude as sh*t, and I'll die on that hill. You're definitely nicer than me though because I'd have woken his a** up; now neither of us is sleeping, a**hole." - Ok_Guarantee_58532
"My ex was abusive, and it started with him messing with my sleep. He would wake me up for stupid reasons and get up at 5:00 AM to empty the dishwasher and make heaps of noise to wake me."
"I can't think of a good reason for your boyfriend to do this after you've already told him once not to, so I would keep a very close eye out for other abusive behaviours." - DangerousTurmeric
"I'd start waking him up to inform him that you just brushed your teeth. And when he falls back to sleep, I'd wake him up again to say, 'I also flossed.' But I'm PETTY. NOR." - Beautiful_Camel_17
Others recommended sleeping in other rooms or ending the relationship.
"I have bouts of insomnia. I can usually fall asleep around 4:30 AM to 5:00 AM and sleep until 9:00 AM when I'm experiencing it."
"My husband has an alarm he sets at 6:00 AM and then snoozes it repeatedly until 7:00 AM. If I'm having insomnia, it will wake me up, and then I just don't get to sleep that day."
"I asked him multiple times to set his alarm for 7:00 AM or even 6:50 AM instead of having an hour of snooze alarm every 10 minutes, but he refused."
"I finally started getting up and turning on all the lights, including in the bedroom, and taking the comforter. If I have to not sleep, f**k you, you're getting up when your alarm goes off."
"If someone is inconsiderate about your sleep and you have asked them not to be, then be inconsiderate back. You've tried communicating. It's time for the consequences now."
"Maybe after that, the communication will work. I no longer have to be woken up by a 6:00 AM alarm being repeatedly snoozed anymore." - ouwish
"You should sleep in separate bedrooms. My ex was an inconsiderate pr**k like your husband with his alarm, and I regret not taking a stand."
"My husband and I are having sleep-related issues and sleep in separate bedrooms. It's been the best decision ever, and when we want to sleep together for other activities, it makes those 'slumber parties' extra special." - IcySetting2024
"Toothbrush together, cuddle in big bed for a bit, then I sneak off to the twin bed in the office where I can flop and snore to my heart's content."
"And sometimes he sleeps, walks, but he tries to pat the bed to figure out where I am, and if I'm there, that means he's essentially whacking me very gently over and over.... And I wake up getting gently whacked so confused."
"It's best we part for the night..." - spacestonkz
"Honestly, as someone who deals with serious insomnia (I have bipolar, so sleep is tough in general), whenever I feel incredibly wired at night and want to do something active, like run a mile, for example, I get up and do it. That goes DOUBLE if I have emotions I need to work through."
"If you feel too restless to get back to sleep and feel that going out for even a walk around the block could help clear your head, don't hesitate. There's a weird taboo around being outdoors at night, which I had to get over because some nights I feel like I'll go crazy if I have to sit in the house any longer."
"Just an option, to help you process/soothe your emotional state before approaching a convo about this." - detransdyke
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a few brief updates.
"First, you guys can stop asking me to wake him up, LOL. I'm already at work the next day, and FYI, I slept at 3:00 AM, woke up at 6:00 AM, so funsies. As for talking to him, I won't be home until 5:00 PM, so it so won't happen until tonight."
"Mini update: He called me during lunch and acted like it was no big deal that he woke me up to brush. He also doesn't remember me telling him not to wake me up."
"I told him that if he sees I'm sleeping and tired, he should let me sleep."
"He brought up a time where we were both knocking out in bed together, and I nudged him, asking if he wanted to brush. He didn't respond, so I left it and went to brush alone. He did eventually wake up, but I never made any noise or tried to be loud."
"He essentially turned it on me and brought up that I don't need to wake up early with him anymore and said, 'You're acting like I'm asking a lot when I had to do the laundry.'"
"It definitely escalated and ended with him saying he won't wake me up again, and I don't need to make him breakfast anymore. It just felt super condescending."
"Another mini update: After work, he asked me if I wanted to talk. I asked him about what?"
"He replied, 'You're overreacting.' Needless to say, I did not engage."
"I won't be making another update unless there is progress, but I don't think there will be."
It might seem like one night, one toothbrushing session, and one fight, but this is potentially a sign of something much bigger and much worse.
It sounded as if they couldn't work through it without escalating or her boyfriend calling her feelings "an overreaction," the OP needed to make an exit: either out of the bedroom or out of the relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.