Nobody likes to be part of lie.
Lies make things complicated.
It’s especially awkward when someone makes other people part of a lie and doesn’t warn them first.
Once the truth is out, the mess can be impossible to clean.
Case in point…
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my boyfriend’s co-worker that we’re not married?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’ve been with Boyfriend for about 5 years.”
“We live together.”
“He does not want to get married, which I’m fine with now, but it was a point of contention early on in our relationship.”
“Boyfriend was talking to Co-worker on zoom when I brought him some coffee.”
“Co-worker said something like ‘so this is the lovely wife I’ve heard so much about.'”
“I said something like ‘thanks but we’re not married.'”
“He said ‘oh, Boyfriend always calls you his wife,’ and then introduced himself, I introduced myself, then ended the conversation and left as quickly I could while still being polite.”
“Because both boyfriend and Co-worker were giving me a weird vibe.”
“A little while later, Boyfriend came out of the office and asked ‘What was that?'”
“I didn’t know what he meant so I asked ‘What was what?'”
“Boyfriend then said that there was absolutely no need for me to correct Co-worker and that it’s better if people think I’m his wife.”
“I said I’m not his wife, I’m his girlfriend, and he never told me that he told other people that I’m his wife.”
“This somehow becomes an argument, with my side being that Boyfriend never told me that his co-workers think we’re married.”
“And Boyfriend’s side being that I should have figured that being called his wife indicated that Co-worker thought I was his wife and I shouldn’t have corrected him.”
“And when I said I thought he’d just made an assumption, Boyfriend said that wasn’t the point.”
“The point was that there was no need to correct him, that it was rude, and that it make Boyfriend look like a d**khead.”
“He then said that the solution to this is that when he next has a video call with Co-worker, he wants me to come in again, strike up a conversation, and say that I was messing with him.”
“And that Boyfriend is actually Husband and us not being married is an inside joke I thought Co-worker was in on.
“I then said that was the dumbest f**king plan he’d ever come up with, and ‘no f**king way am I doing that.'”
“And he said I was being an a**hole, that I got him into this, and now I have to bail him out.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. That is so shady and it feels like there is a lot more going on.”
“If you’re not married he doesn’t get the perks and that includes calling you his wife.” ~ Ilovegifsofjif
“Even in the states where that’s a thing I’m not sure how it would handle a situation where he says they’re married and she says they’re not.”
“Personally I think if she chooses to split over it she should get to divorce him and get half his stuff.”
“If he chooses to split then he shouldn’t get any of hers because he chose not to marry her.”
“I’m sure the law doesn’t actually work that way, but I can dream.”
“And OP, NTA.”
“If your B[oy]F[riend] doesn’t want to look like a liar to his coworkers, he should try not lying to his coworkers.” ~ Kylynara
“At my job, definitely.”
“I conducted 2 interviews with my manager, I liked one person, who was a single female.”
“My boss liked the other person, a married man with a baby.”
“The man was obviously not right for the job, came to the interview in jeans, sat in the chair all laid back, used a lot of slang, no experience, kinda seemed high to me.”
“While the woman has experience, was well dressed, well mannered.”
“When my boss told me he was hiring the guy, I asked why, he said that he had a family to take care of.”
“Anyways, dude didn’t last a month.”
“Then I told my manager to call that woman and hire her.”
“Instead he did more interviews and did the same f**king thing, hired a guy based on the fact that he was married with a baby.”
“The only time I’ve seen a woman get a promotion at my job is because they threatened to sue if they didn’t get it.”
“No woman was in upper management, it’s all men.”
“Sounds like OP might work in a place like where I work, where it pays to be a married man.”
“OP needs to ask if he told anyone they have a bunch of kids.” ~ JinkiesGang
“I don’t believe based on the info provided it’s gone that far.”
“As someone who has gone from in a relationship, engaged, to married in the workplace, colleagues treat you differently based on how you assign your relationship.”
“It may be similar for women, but I don’t have that perspective.”
“Commitments to your ‘girlfriend’ are viewed differently than commitments to your ‘wife’ by colleagues.”
“And while in reality it shouldn’t matter, sometimes it is just easier to say my ‘wife’ instead of ‘my girlfriend of 5 years who I’m living with and committed to but don’t plan to marry.'”
“To acquaintances/colleagues who don’t know your story and aren’t particularly close to, it can be easier.”
“OP is certainly NTA by any stretch.”
“And she’s right to confront him about using a term he was committed to NOT using (since he never wanted to get married) but I can at least see where the BF is coming from.” ~ redsox113
“Hell no NTA.”
“Why is he calling you his wife and he doesn’t marry you.”
“That seems kind of stupid.” ~ cdsacken
“This is a real thing for men in the corporate world the company I used to work for a guy when he was hired had on a ring and would talk about his wife and kids and seem like a real family man.”
“The head honchos loved him.”
“It wasn’t until a few years at being with the company someone found out he’d made it all up to advance himself in the job because his bosses and leaders were all ‘family minded.'”
“I don’t know how they found out but he left not long after it spread around the company like wildfire.”
“I don’t necessarily think it would’ve been that big a deal if he hadn’t spun all these elaborate stories about weekends with his wife and trips that he would take with his family when he took vacation time he was in deep.” ~ italy2986
“He absolutely still sucks.”
“OP wants to get married.”
“He could’ve put a ring on her, but he wants to get the societal benefits of getting married without any of the drawbacks.”
“It’s fine that he doesn’t want to get married but he can’t have his cake and eat it too.”
“He told a large lie without filling her in, expected her to somehow know about it and play along, then blamed her when he was exposed.” ~ jmurphy42
“NTA. That would be the stupidest inside joke in history.”
“If your boyfriend, I mean husband is adamant in calling you his wife, why doesn’t he propose lol considering your long history too!” ~ itsabouthejourney
“NTA. Boyfriend looked like a d**khead because boyfriend was being a d**khead.”
“You didn’t do that.”
“If he doesn’t want to be married, he should not tell people he’s married.”
“If he wants people to think he’s married, he should get married (although I advise against that).” ~ WritPositWrit
“At the very least, if boyfriend is going to put on such a ruse, maybe girlfriend should be in on it.”
“A married man is usually more likely to get promotions at work than an unmarried man, so there could be a somewhat valid reason for the ruse.”
“But without having the girlfriend’s permission/having her in on it, it just seems like a d**k move.
“NTA easily.” ~ wpgstevo
“NTA… he doesn’t want to pay for a wedding then gets mad because you’re not married and you tell people that you aren’t like what the hell.” ~ Dearhrider757
“NTA, you have every right to claim your relationship status.”
“You shouldn’t feel ashamed or need to lie about your relationship status.”
“I don’t know the culture you’re in on why being married would be a benefit at work.”
“But you don’t owe him a cover up.” ~ Delicious_Lobster468
“NTA. Your comment was not out of place.”
“It also seems pretty damn bold of him to call you his wife after refusing to marry you.”
“Also, his plan is the dumbest fucking plan I’ve ever heard.”
“It’s making my skin crawl just imagining being on the coworkers end of this weirdo scheme.” ~ REDDIT
OP came back with an update…
“We talked. He’s f**king a (female) co-worker.”
“Apparently ‘I can’t leave my wife for you’ sounds better than I can’t leave my girlfriend for you.'”
“So now he’s going to have to tell people we’ve divorced.”
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Of course thanks to your update, it all makes sense now.
Sorry about your situation.
Good luck.