First-time home ownership is a major step and huge achievement for anyone at any age, and it’s a point of pride for those who have worked hard, saved money, and sacrificed in order to acquire their home.
Sometimes a family member or romantic partner will want to enjoy the achievement without contributing to the cause, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Appropriate-Way416 had saved up and sacrificed for years to purchase his first home, and he was surprised when his boyfriend showed an interest in having his name put onto the mortgage and deed without ever financially contributing.
When he continued to press the issue, the Original Poster (OP) began to question where the relationship was going.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for upsetting my boyfriend by not putting him on my mortgage?”
The OP had saved for years and was excited to purchase his first home.
“I (26 Male) have been saving for years and finally reached a point where I can start looking for houses.”
“This has been a personal goal of mine, and I’m super excited about it.”
“But ever since I mentioned it, my boyfriend (23 Male) has been acting off.”
The OP was surprised by his boyfriend’s demands about the future house.
“He’s implied multiple times that he should be added to the mortgage if he’s going to live there with me.”
“The thing is, he hasn’t contributed any savings or a deposit.”
“I’ve tried to explain that this is something I’ve worked hard for, and I’m not comfortable putting him on the mortgage, especially since we’ve only been dating for two years and haven’t really talked about the future yet.”
The OP wasn’t sure what to think when his boyfriend wouldn’t let the issue go.
“Now he’s asking repeatedly, almost as if it’s something I owe him, and his attitude about it is putting me off.”
“I want him to be happy for me, but instead, he seems upset and left out.”
“I feel torn because I don’t want to make him unhappy, but I also feel like this is an unfair expectation.”
“Am I being unreasonable for wanting to keep the mortgage in my name?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was too soon to share a mortgage agreement or house deed.Â
“NTA.”
“DON’T YOU DARE PUT A BOYFRIEND ON YOUR MORTGAGE OP! That s**t happens in two situations: common-law or married.”
“He is a freeloader who certainly doesn’t care if HE makes YOU unhappy with his unreasonable behavior. He is prioritizing himself, greed, at your expense literally!”
“Here’s a neat fact: he doesn’t have to live with you at all, he can get his own place and visit. It’s your house period.” – similar_name4489
“NTA. If you aren’t married and he is not contributing, he is not on the mortgage. If he can’t see that, it is a big red flag.” – forte6320
“NTA, and this would be a big red flag to me. You just aren’t at that point in your relationship, and you aren’t comfortable with it, and him trying to force the issue without some financial skin in the game is very concerning.” – Plumbus-aficianado
“Does he expect to pay 50 percent of the deposit and of the mortgage? If he doesn’t, why would he be a co-owner of the house?”
“He’s only 23, which is fairly young to really understand what home ownership is all about and what it involves. (The clue that he doesn’t understand is that he is asking to go on to the mortgage but not the ownership deed/contract!)”
“I think I’d ask him what makes him feel upset that he won’t be the co-owner of the house. Maybe he thinks it is like a lease, and that he would go on a lease with you.”
“NTA.” – Classroom_Visual
“He’s not a husband, he’s not contributing, there are no children involved, no wills, and the dude is young, so I doubt his bank account reflects anything substantial.”
“He hasn’t contributed a single cent to the mortgage, so why would he expect to be included? Because he ‘loves’ you? Maybe he just loves what he can get out of you; that’s what this whole situation suggests to me, anyway.”
“OP, don’t give him s**t unless he’s willing to give you a ring and half of the mortgage.” – your-yogurt
“Okay, OP… I have real personal experience here, but it opposite of your situation. I really hope you read my whole comment before you make any choice in your relationship.”
“I got married very quickly to my ex-husband. I was due to refinance my house the month after we got married. I didn’t put him on the mortgage, despite his complaints, and my reason was that we had only been together for five months, and a portion of the mortgage would be under my LLC.”
“ALSO his credit was awful, while mine is nearly perfect. He protested. His family protested.”
“I told him that he’d have to financially contribute to the mortgage AND that he needed to finance a couch or SOMETHING, and if he never missed a payment and could bring his credit up, I’d add him to the mortgage when I refinanced in another two years to remove my LLC.”
“He never did either of those things. He just lived off me until I got sick of it.”
“I filed for divorce after one year and almost six months (I’m declining to explain all the reasons this marriage even happened or rightfully ended to avoid this comment being the size of a textbook).”
“I am with my boyfriend, who I saw casually for a year before I met my ex-husband. We got together and decided to be serious pretty quickly after I asked for a divorce. I waited an extra year (so one year and five months of us dating) to refinance without the LLC, because it took longer than expected to sell the business.”
“When I refinanced, I asked my boyfriend if he’d like to be on the mortgage, as after he moved in, he had been paying half the bills and doing all of the home maintenance. He was worried that he would be taking advantage of me so he was hesitant… We’ve almost paid the whole mortgage off together in just two years.”
“Bottom line… Your GUT knows if you’re making the right choice. Regardless of relationship status. My gut knew that my husband would have financially ruined me. It also knew that my boyfriend was in it for the long haul.”
“LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. NTA.” – Helpymybrainzz
Others agreed and theorized that the boyfriend had ulterior motives.
“I wouldn’t give him anything! He’s put absolutely nothing into this house, and he expects half-ownership!”
“He’s definitely an entitled gold digger. It’s time for him to move on. If he says he has nowhere to go, tell him he should have thought of that before he started making demands.” – OkieLady1952
“He’s 23, and they’ve been together for two years. The OP’s a couple of years older and is ready to take on adult responsibilities. He just wants to hitch a ride on the gravy train without doing any work.”
“I wouldn’t put it past him to buy the OP a ring and think that that means he owns him and his property.”
“OP, don’t include him in any of this. I’d also move on if I were you.” – Electronic_Swing_887
“Nahhh, a ring is just a token that he can bump along, and helping pay the mortgage can give him claim towards half of whatever is invested (read: they break up and suddenly she owes him 10k of the20k that mostly/totally came from her pocket).”
“No matter what, she should not put his name on there. If they do happen to get married, she can absolutely put his name into a will (or in some places, it’d automatically go to a spouse, so she should have a will regardless to make sure he can’t claim the house away from her family if she dies). Not something a 26-year-old wants to think of, but people die at every age…” – Lilhobo_76
“The boyfriend is just a boyfriend, and if he’s living with the OP, he should be a boyfriend and a renter with a lease. If he doesn’t like that, he can be an ex-boyfriend who lives with his mom.”
“I charge my boyfriend a flat rate for living expenses (rent and bills) instead of adding him to my mortgage and splitting the utilities.”
“I owned my house long before I ever even met my partner.”
“Some people think that I’m taking advantage of my boyfriend, that I’m trying to profit off of him, and that I’m thriving off of the power dynamic between a landlord and a tenant. But even if we ever choose to get married, we already talked about ‘what’s his is still his, and what’s mine is still mine.'”
“My house is still my house. His company and his equity from other companies are still his. We are NOT commingling finances or assets any more than we legally have to. And that doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other, but loving each other doesn’t mean having to sacrifice what we worked hard for.”
“I love my boyfriend, and I want to be with him for the long haul, and I know he feels the same way. Our financial situation does not change that. If he wanted a cut of my house, I’d look at him differently, and I suggest the OP do the same with hers.” – davy_jones_locket
“He’s acting like he’s entitled to the house when he hasn’t contributed. Why on earth would OP want to marry THAT?? He sounds like a gold digger.” – BookLuvr7
“This is a ‘run very fast, do not walk type of ‘get a new partner’ situation. Absolutely under ZERO CIRCUMSTANCE should he be added to the mortgage.”
“It’s a mortgage, not a lease. It’s not ‘a list of who lives there,’ it’s a document of ownership. So he is either trying to steal from you or he’s too stupid to go out unsupervised.”
“Either way, this person does not deserve another moment of your time.” – NoLipsForAnybody
Fellow Redditors could not help but side-eye the boyfriend for the demands he was making while not being willing to contribute in any meaningful way to the relationship or to the OP’s future home.
Though he might be young and inexperienced with this sort of purchase, his behavior suggested wanting a home without working in any meaningful way to earn it, while the OP had saved for years to acquire it.