Even when we are adults, sometimes there are things that we don't want to do that we have to do anyway.
Especially if it will make someone we love happy or help them with their career, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor shielelcoetre was insistent that he did not have to attend the wedding his girlfriend wanted to go to, even if it could potentially be a huge boost for the future of her career.
When she said he was being selfish for refusing to go, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was somehow being too stubborn.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not wanting to attend my girlfriend's boss's wedding?"
The OP and his girlfriend had to make arrangements to see each other regularly.
"My girlfriend (23 Female) and me (24 Male) have been together for over 2 years."
"I'm finishing my last year of my degree, and she has already started as a physiotherapist at the start of last month."
"She joined a group of practitioners in another village, which is 2 hours away from where I study, so obviously, we don't see each other as much as we used to."
"Therefore, I have promised to keep as many weekends free for her as possible, giving up time with my own family and friends. I don't mind this, because I love her and enjoy spending time with her."
But the OP didn't particularly like one of his girlfriend's recent event plans.
"Recently, her new boss announced they were getting married and invited my girlfriend to the wedding. They said that i could come, too."
"Since the wedding falls on a Saturday, my girlfriend thought I would be coming so she RSVP'd with a yes."
"I am kind of annoyed, because I really don't feel like going to a wedding where I literally don't know a soul and she would know 3 people tops."
"When I told her (this was, like, 3 weeks ago), she got mad and said I already was breaking my promise to her."
The OP felt conflicted.
"I feel like I did not break any promise, because I still kept that weekend free for her like I told her I would."
"She is not obligated to attend the wedding and certainly can't force me to go."
"I told her she can go if she wants to but that she will be going without me. If she wants to spend time together that weekend, she will not go."
"She still called me an a**hole over this."
"She is also still mad at me and brings this up anytime she can, which drives me nuts."
"My mom also told me I'm in the wrong, but my friends think I should stand my ground."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said this was something the OP needed to do in order to support his girlfriend.
"I am a little more understanding of OP's dilemma, but if he goes, he absolutely MUST put on put on his A game. He doesn't have to be George Clooney here but has to be pleasant and not mope."
"Besides, every relationship is give-and-take. If they last, there will absolutely be occasions where he really wants her to go with him, and having put his time in, she's going to need to give strong consideration to doing something she really doesn't want to because he did the same for her."
"One of the rules of every enduring relationship; mutual suffering." - L8wrtr
"Regarding professional obligations, often an engaging SO (significant other) can enhance our professional lives by others seeing that we have chosen well."
"The opposite is true also. When you go, show up with a positive attitude, and don't look like you don't want to be there!" - No_Acanthisitta3596
"Normal people meet people at weddings. People that will come up in future conversations because they work with his girlfriend. Or OP might actually meet someone that they can shoot the s**t with for an hour while they talk about how they both don't want to be there."
"Or maybe it'll just be 4 hours of complete boredom for OP, but that's the kind of sacrifices you're expected to make in a relationship, because one day it'll be your boss hosting something, and you'll want to drag along your girlfriend who 'only knows like 3 people.'"
"YTA. OP, grow up." - thedoodely
"Since 'she would know 3 people tops,' it's likely that she feels similarly, but also she is obliged (or heavily socially pressured) to go; therefore, it is most likely that she would much rather be there with a partner than there alone."
"With someone who she knows and trusts. Someone for 'moral support.' Someone who 'has her back.'"
"If I was her, I would feel let down by the person who is supposed to be supportive of her when she's heading into this 'exposed' social situation, but in this case, isn't feeling like making the effort to be supportive today."
"And IMHO (In My Honest Opinion), yes, the wedding might be boring, but how bad can it be? You're gonna get free food and wine, right? You're not being asked to run a marathon. You'll have to wear fancy clothes, sit, eat, drink, smile, nod, clap on cue, and have a plan to get home without drunk driving. Oh no, sounds terrible."
"If OP has any point at all, it is that he should remind her that this goes both ways: his girlfriend should be willing to meet his friends/family once in a while, even though it's not her ideal activity." - SideburnsOfDoom
"'If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things,' said by Pam from 'The Office.' That is literally all this is."
"My partner's brother is getting married soon, and I will literally know 3 people there, 2 of which are the ones getting married."
"Do I wanna go? No. But my boyfriend is in it, and it's important to him that I'm also there. It's that simple."
"Go have a few drinks, and hang out with your girlfriend. H**l, maybe meet some of her coworkers. She may be just as tired as OP and want to go within 3 hours."
"It's one day, he'll still get to spend time with his girlfriend." - mongoosedog12
Others shrugged it off and thought the couple could still consider it as a date.
"Why is he dismissing this as a way to spend time with his girlfriend? I have had so much fun at weddings with my SO (significant other) throughout our relationship. It's a whole night of spending time together and eating food/drinking booze that someone else paid for. Win-win."
"Why wouldn't OP be looking at this as 1.) a fun night out where they can get dressed up and spend time together, 2.) a way to get to know better the people his girlfriend spends every day with, and 3.) something easy to do to support his girlfriend, even if the rest of this isn't appealing to him?" - gaelicpasta3
"I find weddings really romantic. Like, my partner and I dress up and celebrate our friends' love and in turn our love as we dance together and enjoy the reception. I always find there's such a positive vibe and I feel really close to him."
"So yeah, OP should just try and frame this positively as an occasion where he gets to dress up and have a great time with his girlfriend, dancing and eating delicious food! Who cares if they don't know anyone else?" - saph_pearl
"God forbid either of them want to ever go to an event outside of their usual day-to-day schedule ever again!"
"Weddings are usually pretty fun and it's something you're going to together. The fact that she also doesn't know a lot of people there actually makes it better in my opinion. They'll probably spend a lot of time together."
"Weddings are typically an event that people bring a date to. If OP really doesn't want to go, then don't go. But he's missing out and shouldn't be surprised if she eventually ends up finding someone that actually likes doing things with her and doesn't have to do things alone. To each their own." - franklsp
"YTA. You'd know her at the wedding and would get to have a nice dinner and dance with your girlfriend."
"It's essentially a free date night and would help her get 'in' at her work."
"Be a better partner." - Reby-
"ESH. She should have asked you before RSVPing, as that is just courtesy."
"You are missing the point of going, though. She wants you to come as her date because she loves you and this is important for her career."
"It's not about you attending a random wedding. It's about you going with her to an event, both because you care about her and because it's a good idea for her to go so her new boss has a good feeling about her."
"You have, of course, the right to say no, but she also will feel hurt if you don't go and support her. She probably doesn't want to go, either, and was hoping being with you would make it better." - Dependent-Aside-9750
After receiving feedback, the OP posted an update.
"Thank you all for the replies. I realize that I am, in fact, the a**hole."
"People telling me to suck it up doesn't really sit right with me, but you have made me realize that I am blowing this way out of proportion and should just go with her and make the best of it."
"Thanks to all the people who gave good, nuanced advice. I'll take it to heart."
Though the subReddit could understand that this wedding might not be the OP's favorite event of the year, they knew that it was important to his girlfriend for her career and networking purposes, as well as a chance for the couple to have a unique date after not having as much time together anymore.
While it might not be the event he had in mind, it seemed the OP could still turn this moment around and make the best of it, not just for his girlfriend, but for them as a couple.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.