Whether we can agree about the importance of this or not, we've all heard the rule not to steal focus from a wedding celebration... or more specifically the bride.
Wearing white or sharing other big news should be off-limits that day, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
While traveling abroad, Redditor No-Team315 married his best friend but did not immediately share the news with his family. Four months passed, and he then sent an email about the news.
But because this was just two weeks before his sister's wedding, the Original Poster (OP) was accused of trying to 'hijack' her wedding occasion.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for wearing my wedding ring to my sister's wedding against her wishes and 'hijacking' her wedding?"
The OP didn't see his family all that often.
"My sister (29 Female) got married last Saturday. The ceremony was beautiful, and I enjoyed myself as much as someone who is famously not a wedding guy could. The dramatics were not quite as enjoyable."
"I (27 Male) hadn't seen my family in a few months, and we've only had a handful of phone calls over the course of those months. It's never on purpose that I pull one of these disappearing acts. It's mostly out of habit."
"I've been fiercely independent for most of my life, and I get easily caught up in whatever I'm doing at the time, which makes it hard for me to remember to keep those not in my direct line of sight in the loop."
"My mother is the same way. (It's also nice visiting around times when big events like this are going on as my mom is prone to hovering whenever I'm home, and this takes some of the spotlight off me.)"
Not keeping his family in the loop included not informing them about a major life event.
"I had been in Ireland around eight months prior to flying in last Thursday."
"I was originally there to spend two weeks with my best friend who, thanks to the aforementioned one-track mindedness I possess, I had unfortunately grown apart from within recent years."
"Ours was a friendship that had started when we were 14 and was one of the most important relationships in my life for over a decade, and I wanted to put more effort into it so I didn't lose it."
"He was spending time overseas as to reconnect with his heritage since his father's passing, I was already traveling, and my stay obviously turned out to be a lot longer than two weeks."
"It also turned into us getting married. Funny how life works out."
The OP just recently got around to sharing the news with his family.
"I've been married for four months. About two weeks before our trip to the States for my sister's wedding, I sent out a mass email to close family letting them know that I and my husband were married."
"I wanted to assuage any possibility of us 'stealing any thunder' right from the get-go."
"My mom replied that she was hurt that she wasn't told sooner or allowed to be there, which I understood."
The OP's plan to not steal the thunder did not work out.
"It seemed her mood flipped by the time we met in person, however. The rehearsal dinner was on Friday, and that was when we all met up for the first time."
"My mom was overjoyed to see me and my partner and spent a large part of the night telling stories about she had always predicted there was something different about my friendship with him compared to others I was close with in high school."
"It was a very sweet moment."
The OP's sister asked him for a favor at her wedding.
"But at the end of the night, my sister pulled me aside and asked if we would not wear our wedding rings to her ceremony."
"I was confused, so I asked why."
"She said I was taking the attention off her, and she was already bitter that I 'hijacked' her rehearsal dinner. She was worried more family might take notice if I wore my ring tomorrow and cause a similar incident."
"I refused."
"Like I mentioned before, the ceremony was beautiful, but she didn't speak to me for the rest of the weekend, and we ended up leaving the reception early."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some weren't offended by the rings but by how long ago the OP waited to send the email.
"So you waited three and a half months to tell even your parents that you are married?"
"YTA. The ring is not the issue." - wtfaidhfr
"He's definitely the a**hole. He waited until (basically) RIGHT before his sister's wedding to announce he was married. That just feels intentional. He didn't seem to care that people knew he was married before, so why's he getting his panties in a bunch about people not knowing for a little bit longer?"
"And THEN when his sister's rehearsal dinner turned into a party about him, he basically told her to go f**k herself when she asked for his help to keep the focus on her. Major a**hole. YTA." - jcansino1
"If you have a loving, close relationship with your family, even if you aren't in frequent contact, waiting months to tell them that you're married is bizarre and hurtful."
"It just seems so alien to how anyone I know would behave in real life (other than people who are very distant or have no contact with their families, which is a different situation and not how OP seems to be characterizing his relationship with his family)." - Cocotapioka
"It's way more about the fact that OP told everyone via email four months into his marital union and saw everyone for the first time after he told them at the rehearsal dinner and would carry the newlywed energy into someone else's wedding than about the physical rings. YTA." - Difficult-Shake7754
"YTA. You deliberately stole the show, and you know it." - LasVegasMooie
"How did OP really think a 'Hey, my sister getting married in two weeks reminded me that I forgot to tell you I got married four months ago' email was going to be received?"
"Either OP is completely clueless or has beef with his family and was waiting for the moment for his news bomb to maximize attention on him."
"The only way this could have been worse would be if he announced it at his sister's actual wedding." - Hatstand82
"Two weeks is enough time to arrange a 'meet the husband' meal/meet-up to at least give his immediate family an opportunity to congratulate them and ask questions before all the wedding events kick off."
"Or at the very least go and see his mum before the dinner, especially as OP fully acknowledges that his mum 'lives for a wedding,' so he knew full well that she'd want to know all about his, yet he still left it until the rehearsal dinner before seeing her in person."
"Even after leaving his marriage announcement in an email two weeks before the wedding, he could have handled this in a better way than he did if he had just given other people's thoughts and feelings more than two seconds worth of consideration."
"OP can call themselves 'fiercely independent' all they like, but it's pretty clear that the word they are actually looking for is 'self-centered.' YTA." - CatsTales
Others found the bride to be attention-seeking.
"NTA. Guests talk to each other at weddings and catch up. Does your sister expect everyone only to be looking at and talking about her the whole time? Has she never been to a wedding?" - toxie37
"NTA. Who the h**l asks someone to take their wedding ring off!? Like that's just a f**king wild amount of entitlement to me." - Careless_League_9494
"NTA, I'm pretty sure that you would have 'stolen her thunder' even if you hadn't gotten married. Being gone for eight months is enough time for people to want to reconnect, even if it is at a wedding."
"What are people supposed to talk about at a wedding? All the weddings I've been to, I've barely gotten a chance to even talk with the bride and groom because they have so much going on." - AurynSharay
"NTA. People are so ridiculously narcissistic at their weddings like no one else should dare have a life event in the same year they get married, lest someone not talk about them for one moment. Sister needs to get over herself. Congrats on reconnecting with the love of your life, OP!" - cloverthewonderkitty
"NTA. Will people potentially congratulate him too? Yes. But, he is obviously there to celebrate his sister's big day."
"He's not setting up his own receiving line and registering for gifts. He lived abroad and got married while gone."
"Regardless of how long ago it happened, if this is his first trip home, the results will be the same. 'Oh, hey, you got married! Congrats!' Unless he's planning some big moment, he isn't hijacking her night." - Excellent_Neat_9432
"NTA. You're married. You wear a ring. Not a crazy concept. It isn't your fault that people were excited for you, either."
"As a general comment, a wedding should be about TWO people joining their lives into one. It's not a pageant, an extra birthday, or a special event to celebrate how wonderful someone is. It's about the marriage, and when the marriage is the focus, all of that petty and insignificant stuff easily fades into the background."
"Congrats on your marriage, and keep living your life." - Future_of_Favor
"NTA. It's a wedding. Everybody will be watching her walk down the aisle, say her vows, cut the cake, dance the first dance, etc. How much more attention does she need? People can be happy for both couples. It's not an either/or situation." - TXGrrl
Though the subReddit was happy for the OP's new marriage and his sister's, they were divided on how the OP navigated sharing his news.
Some felt that he should have announced his marriage right after it happened to inform his loved ones and to create distance between his sister's wedding and his own.
But others felt that, with traveling abroad and not seeing the OP for a long time, the subject of his wedding would come up no matter when he had shared the news, simply because we're prone to catching up with those we care about.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.