"Glass child" is a term for a child with a sibling who is chronically ill or disabled.
Family and friends seem to look through the glass child and focus on their ill or disabled sibling.
Glass children appear strong but are actually quite fragile.
The effects of the focus on one sibling over the other(s) also warps the perspective of the child receiving all of the attention. If they're ill as a child but recover, the loss of attention can lead to some problematic behavior.
A bride-to-be who was a glass child is struggling with her sister's behavior and her mother's enabling.
So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Agitated-Ad-2603 asked:
"AITA for not wanting my sister at my wedding since she is in a wheelchair and will take up all of the spotlight?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister (26) has been in and out of the hospital. I am going to call my sister Anna."
"Anna got cancer when she was 15 and was able to beat it. Ever since, she has been having growths, and anytime one appears, we are worried about the cancer coming back."
"My issue is that she always makes these announcements that she needs to go to the doctor again at the worst times. At the beginning, I thought it was just bad timing, but it has happened so many times when I hit a milestone."
"My graduations, my birthdays, my engagement party. Anytime she makes an announcement that she needs to go back to the hospital, my whole family will flock to her."
"I have had my birthday dinner turn into my relatives flocking to her for the whole night."
"I had a dinner party to announce my wedding date for my relatives. It was going so great, and it was a fun time until Anna told mom she needed to go back to the hospital."
"Soon, everyone forgot about the reason for the dinner party, and it was quiet. My aunt even stepped in to do a prayer for Anna."
"It's like a 50/50 chance for someone else's event to get an announcement from Anna. I don't think she has ever done it at her own celebrations like her graduation and so on."
"Another event was taken over. I went low contact with her after that."
"She was invited to my wedding and it is in two weeks. I learned today she is in and out of a wheelchair from my mom/Anna."
She will need to take it just in case for the wedding. I asked if the rest of the family was informed and she told me no."
"I told both of them they need to inform them. They told me they don't want to worry them and won't do that."
"I had enough and told them you need to tell everyone before my wedding. Again, a no. I then informed them Anna was not invited."
"This started a huge argument about how I'm a dick, but my point is I am sick of her stealing the spotlight. That's what will happen if she rolls in with a wheelchair."
The OP added:
"You know what the sad part is? At one point, I could say I loved her with all my heart, and now I can't."
"It's a weird feeling to feel your love for someone turn to disdain."
"I know my relatives will be upset if I drop that bomb and it's not from her. Family is big on medical info needs to come from the person."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I disinvited my sister to my wedding since she is in a wheelchair and will steal the spotlight. I could be a jerk since I am disinviting someone who is in a wheelchair."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You need to sit down with your parents privately and in person if possible."
"Explain calmly that you love your sister but that she has been using her health situation to hijack every event in your life. Give the examples you gave us and every single example you can recall."
"Explain that, like them, you are concerned about her health, but you would like your wedding day to focus on you and your fiancé(e). This is extremely important to you, and you are asking them not just to comply but to back you up on this."
"Explain that you have asked her to inform everyone of her wheelchair use, and she refused. You asked her not to make this one day about her, and she is signaling that she will not honor your request."
"After trying to come to a compromise, you and your fiancé(e) have decided that if she cannot stop herself from springing this and continuing to demand everyone's attention at an inappropriate time (YOUR wedding), it is best she does not attend."
"It has been 11 years. Her situation is sad, but it's obvious that she's leveraged it and continues to manipulate everyone."
"You're NTA." ~ SelfImportantCat
"My sister did all the same things to me."
"My wedding day, she was admitted to the hospital, and I'm not sure if she'd be able to come. My baby shower, she announced she eloped."
"It was always something. But I hate attention on me, so I never got too upset."
"I went no contact with her five years ago. I have never known so much peace. NTA." ~ Unlikely-Candle7086
"My sister went no contact with the whole family, and it's been so relaxing. My parents have been taking it surprisingly well, too."
"I think we all just needed a break from her. A nice, long, multi-year break. NTA." ~ rosyred-fathead
"NTA. OP, there is always going to be a thing for your sister to use in order to distract from your news/day/etc... In your shoes, I'd shine up that spine and tell your sister (and anyone else trying to influence your decision) she's not invited."
"Call me cynical, but your sister is an attention hog who has continually been enabled by your family. That isn't going to change after all this time."
"You deserve your wedding to be about you and your partner." ~ platypusandpibble
"NTA. I found myself realizing I just didn't like my younger half-brother. He is a pompous a**."
"I gave myself permission to not like him or my SIL and have been NC for several years. So much less stress." ~ iliketoredit
"NTA. If you do decide to let her come, put a message out to the other guests saying that your sister will likely need to use a wheelchair for some or all of the day and that she's a bit sensitive about it, so please can people avoid commenting on it or talking about it."
"That'll puncture her balloon!" ~ SignBrief104
"Not even just for the sister, 'I want to have a welcoming environment for all my guests. Some require additional support in the form of wheelchairs, crutches, or other items to allow them to enjoy the day."
"'I've been made aware it can be offensive to make a big deal over the use of these or discussing medical things in such a formal event when they are trying to enjoy themselves.'"
"'With this in mind, please do not enquire over medical requirements of guests, or discuss medical updates or situations so that all my guests can enjoy the day and celebrate'."
"'Please note anyone not following this will be asked to leave and I know you will understand why—there are many with invisible disabilities or medical requirements and I need to protect all my guests and allow them to enjoy the day'."
"Believe it or not, we had to have training at a disability charity around stuff like this, so it's not even a lie. You are just being very welcoming, you aren't outing anyone but making it clear, you talk medical stuff, you are gone."
"Also, have your maids of honor and best man, and DJ all on board to suddenly do something if she tries to talk and make a big announcement. Your friends will be there for you more than you realize if you just ask. NTA" ~ constantly_parenting
"NTA. My sister is similar, except she has depression (supposedly) and hints that she's going to [hurt] herself. Surprisingly, she always gets better the day after, or after my family stops talking about me."
"Birthday, graduation, any big accomplishment like promotions, etc... I had to go no contact with her."
"I had a small wedding, and she did not get invited. My parents spent the four days before the wedding, and the day of, talking to her on the phone and crying scared she was going to hurt herself."
"She kept telling them that they didn't love her, I didn't love her, and to prove themselves they did love her. She asked them to prove their love by not showing up to the wedding."
"In a sense she accomplished her goal of ruining my wedding, my only memories of my parents at the wedding are of them crying on the phone. She got out of her depressive episode the day after my wedding." ~ gracie_jc
"NTA. If you were banning Anna solely for using the wheelchair, it would be Y T A. However, her refusing to inform any other relatives of this indicates she is doing it to steal your thunder, especially since she's doing this at every family gathering."
"It's not about the wheelchair itself, it's about her trying to steal the moment. Again."
"If she needed it/weren't using it for drama, it would make far more sense to inform other relatives so they know ahead of time." ~ AnakinSkywalkerisfav
The OP provided an update:
"I'm going to do a mass blast to all my relatives, saying Anna is in a wheelchair and unsure if she will be able to make it to my wedding. Keep my sister in their thoughts and prayers."
"I'm gettin' ahead of this."
It's unclear if the OP will still be barring her sister from attending her wedding based on her update.
Whatever she decides, hopefully, her wedding goes off without a hitch.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp