Weddings and relationships benefit from detailed communication.
Especially when it comes to the marrying of different cultures and traditions.
It's always best to go down the checklist together.
There is usually some overlooked detail that can cause drama.
Case in point...
Redditor /New_Contribution_503 to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for asking my wife to touch my parent's feet during our wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (35 M[ale]) wife Lisa (35 F[emale]) and I got married recently."
"I live in the UK, but both of us are from different countries."
"It was agreed that the wedding would be held similar to how it's held in our culture."
"It went smoothly until towards the end when both of us were supposed to touch the feet of the groom's parents."
"When she was asked to do that, though, she looked confused, and then slightly angry."
"She asked me what in the world that's about, and I told her it's how it's done."
"She straight-up refused, causing a disturbance in the wedding."
"It was mentioned that it's necessary as it would not get 'completed' otherwise, but she mentioned that she's not going to bow down and that she knows what she's worth."
"It resulted in an argument, and in the end, we did not go through with that."
"Later I told her that she insulted me in front of everyone, especially when she had agreed to hold the wedding that way."
"But she said that no matter how it's held, touching someone's feet like she's a slave is not what she would do in a million years."
"I held down my temper as I did not want to fight, but she accused me of 'Not living in the 21st century when you clearly belong to the medieval era.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
OP came back with a little more information to clarify things
"I was supposed to touch the feet of the bride's in-laws as well."
"It would have been the groom's first, but it would have included hers afterward."
"It was not one-sided."
"And as for not explaining it to her beforehand, I am not the one who was assigned to even explain it to her."
"Our parents had explained it to hers', who in turn said they would tell her about it."
"Apparently, her parents did not inform her."
"Just to clarify again, I did not inform her myself because there were many other customs involved aside from this, which I did not know."
"It was agreed that her parents would inform all of it to her all together."
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"As an Indian Hindu, YTA."
"First off, she was blindsided, and it is your fault."
"How did you not walk her through these rituals and traditions beforehand?"
"Secondly, even if she did know about it, it is up to her whether she wants to do it or not."
"Maybe if you explained properly - it's not a slavery thing, more of respect, for blessings, etc - she may have agreed."
"But if she's from a culture where that is actually looked down upon (like in Islam, for instance), then I don't see how her not doing it is unreasonable."
"You need to have a hard look at your equation with your wife because, from this, it does not sound like you respect her or treat her like an equal."
"And honestly, to not just let this go and try to almost blackmail her by telling her that the ceremony was incomplete without this (which, by the way, is categorically untrue) - when she agreed for the ceremony to be done in your cultural traditions and not hers - is crazy."
"She literally met you 99% of the way, and you met her zero percent - and you are still complaining and nitpicking."
"That doesn't reflect an equal partnership - it reflects that you want full control." ~ TA_totellornottotell
"This is the one, YTA."
"I don't know anything about this culture, but if I was asked AHEAD of TIME to do this, I may consider it out of respect."
"It sounds like you just told her about it during the ceremony, and that is what makes YTA here." ~ No_Mathematician2482
"While we don't have rehearsals in Hindu weddings, we do share videos from films, YouTube, and family weddings with members who might be unfamiliar with the various rituals."
"And we talk through the expectations from bride and groom, as well as their respective families, in detail, and agree upon things beforehand."
"This is because, even within Hindu culture, there are too many sub-cultures based on region, caste, family traditions, personal choice."
"And when one person is from an entirely different culture outside Hindus, it becomes all the more critical to orient them."
"So, yes. There should have been some detailed and clear system planned to onboard the bride and her parents, instead of relying on shady multi-level communication system which allows OP to throw his in-laws under the bus."
"OP - YTA." ~ SSinghal_03
"If my hubby left it to my in-laws to explain this, it wouldn't likely happen."
"I might do something to make him happy on our day, but if he left it to my M[other] I[n] L[aw] and F[ather] I[n] L[aw] without explaining the importance to him personally I would definitely have balked at it."
"Because in my culture, that would sound just as antiquated and steeped in misogyny as asking my dad to 'give me away' at the altar, which is something I didn't do despite it being a traditional part of the ceremony where I'm from."
"This aspect could have nothing to do with subservience but to an outsider."
"It kinda just sounds like he asked her to give them power over her in their relationship's future, especially if he didn't reciprocate with her."
"Even if it was the most egalitarian act I still wouldn't be as likely to participate if it was in laws that asked instead of my partner."
"He'd need to explain what it means to him, or I'd just assume it's something his family is trying to do to us both and I'd assume he wouldn't want me to feel so uncomfortable, and I'd politely refuse."
"If he cared about both her and the ceremony, he'd have told her himself. I'm not sure he really cares about any of this."
"It sounds like he just wants control, and for her sake."
"I hope he can convince her that she's what matters to him." ~ Nexi92
"I'm Indian, married to a British man."
"The first time my husband, who was then my boyfriend, saw me touching my parent's feet was when he came to meet them in India, and there was some sort of puja or something going on so he asked me why I did that - and I told him."
"Explained that it is a sign of respect, that's how we ask for blessings and well wishes, etc."
"He then asked me if he should do it too, and I was like no, please!"
"You really don't have to."
"But before he left for the airport to go back home, he suddenly bent down and touched my parent's feet."
"They were stunned, speechless by the gesture, and my mum even cried. She was so overwhelmed."
"He has done it every time after that (accompanied by the customary 'no no beta please' and my parents' feeble attempts to stop him lol), and there were zero issues when we had to touch my parents and his parent's feet during our Hindu ceremony."
"Because not only did I take the time to explain it, but he actually cared enough to observe these things, ask about it, and then perform the gesture himself."
"And that's why I think ESH."
"OP for springing this on his wife at the worst possible moment, and his wife for just throwing a fit at the wedding and never bothering to actually care enough to observe and learn this stuff."
"Respect and communication are so important in inter-cultural relationships."
"Here's hoping OP and wife do better moving forward." ~ fishchop
"Yeah, saying it was her parent's responsibility to explain his cultural practices doesn't make this any better, like his edit is trying to make it seem."
"Doesn't bode well for OP treating his wife like a partner and an equal when he apparently can't have a simple conversation with her as adults and instead expects her parents to take care of everything like she's a child or an old-timey bride being passed from her parents to her husband."
"YTA. If it's that important, why not explain it himself?" ~ El-Ahrairah9519
"This. Also, grew up Indian Hindu, you had an obligation to explain every step of the ceremony to her, and she should have been allowed to do or not do any part of it."
"This kind of thing is going to come up again and again in the future, by the way."
"In my family, we don't do the feet-touching thing because my dad thinks it's hierarchical and stupid."
"Considering Hinduism, at least in the West, is a pretty a la carte religion, you insisting on it is pretty disgusting." ~ WangSimaContention
"And… the edit does not help."
"OP should have gone over the entire thing with her and her parents and his parents."
"And with her alone."
"Making sure she understood and was okay with it all."
"Other people's customs often have parts newcomers love, are indifferent about, and are appalled by."
"You need to know which those all are, for her." ~ Neenknits
"100% YTA, it's your own fault." ~ External_Expert_2069
Well, OP, Reddit is not with you.
Communication is key to any relationship issue.
It's a good idea never to assume that everyone has all the information, particularly when they aren't from your culture.
Hopefully, this can all be rectified.
Good luck going forward.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.