Picking dresses for a wedding is meant to be all about fun and fashion.
But often times it turns into sheer drama.
Bridesmaids dresses can be an especially ornery topic.
Case in point...
Redditor PhysicsVast9133 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to be a bridesmaid because of the dress?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 F[emale]) am overweight."
"It's something I'm working on as I'm very much not comfortable in my body but again, it's a work in progress."
"My friend (30 F) is getting married in a couple months in a pretty informal wedding.
"But still asked me and a few other friends to be bridesmaids. I agreed, of course."
"A week ago my friend sent pictures of the dresses she was thinking about."
"My friends voted on this long sleeve skin tight dress."
"I would not be comfortable in this dress as it's too tight, both in terms of physical comfort and mental comfort."
"I voiced my opinion and why."
"And my friends all said they liked the dress most."
"And the bride to be said that since all of my friends agreed on this one we had to pick it."
"I asked if I could wear a similar dress of my own that's more comfortable."
"It's in a similar shade of green that my friend chose for this dress, so I could still be there but also comfortable."
"My friend told me that the day is not about me and that I will just have to put up with being uncomfortable for an evening."
"I told her it would be genuinely embarrassing for me to wear the dress and that since I respect her day, I'm just going to withdraw from being a bridesmaid so my discomfort doesn't overshadow her."
"I said that the dresses were very pretty and I understand why they chose them but I'm just not willing to wear it."
"I then said that there's no hard feelings, I'm not mad."
"I understand, but they have to understand why I'm uncomfortable."
"The bride to be messaged me the next day say saying that I embarrassed her in the groupchat and that she doesn't understand why I'm so opposed to it."
"I explained once again that the dress was too tight and would be unflattering and uncomfortable for me."
"She then got mad and said now either her fiancée will have to drop a groomsmen or she has to find another bridesmaid."
"I apologized for causing her strife and then said again, I have a dress in a similar color that is much more comfortable for me to wear and she turned me down again."
"I've been shunned by all of the bridal party since."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. You don't have to be paraded around in front of people in something that you're uncomfortable wearing, and you never have to be a bridesmaid."
"If their aesthetic is more important than their wedding party's feelings, then that's the choice they made." ~ T3HN3RDY1
"It’s rare I say this, because I do tend to prefer the AITA posts where OP is TA and am more than happy to point out when OP shared blame, but OP did everything right."
"Like there isn’t a single point where she could have made a better move."
"OP’s friend group is TA first and foremost."
"They should have immediately backed down when OP said she was uncomfortable."
"I can get that it’s uncomfortable for the bride to veto the whole group in favor of one person."
"But she really should have and is the TA for not doing that."
"Then she’s the TA again for trying to pressure OP, but now the friend group is back to being TA for shunning her."
"I’m more sympathetic to brides than most because it really is a stressful time—and people not cooperating is absolutely the most stressful part—but the rest of the friend group has zero excuse."
"They liked this dress more than they cared about their friend’s feelings."
"It’s their outfit for one day; they barely have skin in the game."
"What a selfish group of AHs." ~ harmcharm77
"The bride had to have known OP wouldn't like the dress."
"Skin tight body con dresses take a lot of confidence to wear, they aren't for everyone."
'They aren't even flattering on everyone."
"It seems like the bride knew this and decided to peer pressure and bully OP into wearing it." ~ Yaaaassquatch
"It’s damn near impossible to find a dress that doesn’t look awful on 3-5 different girls of different shapes and skin tones."
"Most of the weddings I’ve been to lately the bride picks a brand with a few different styles in the same color."
"I thought matchy-matchy bridesmaids were out of style like ten years ago." ~ DelsMagicFishies
"I was in a wedding where the bride said all of us needed to be in short dresses in a specific color from David’s Bridal."
"And either everyone had to be in different dresses completely or everyone had to be in the exact same dress."
"The group was leaning towards one specific dress, I went to try it on and it looked TERRIBLE on me and was super uncomfortable."
"I have a different body type than the rest of the group and it had zero give where I needed it and I couldn’t walk or sit in it comfortably."
"I texted the bride with a photo and said I couldn’t wear the dress because the lining didn’t fit my body and she almost immediately texted the group and said she decided she’d prefer us to be in completely different dresses."
"Everyone was happy and looked great in the photos."
"I was thankful the bride finally made a decision because the group was mostly women who were slender and athletic looking and I was more of a short Ashley Graham."
"I probably would have dropped out before buying and spending a long day in a dress that made me feel uncomfortable and like my weight was on display."
'I don’t blame OP for bowing out, it’s an awful position to have to be put in." ~ Ok-Aardvark-6742
"NTA. You don’t feel comfortable so you stepped down."
"As you didn’t wanted to make a big deal out of it for her."
"And why do there have to be equal bridesmaids and groomsmen."
"There are no rules for a wedding unless you follow a religion yourself." ~ zieliigg
"But there DOES, when the people in your wedding party are more important as props than being your closest friends."
"The sides must be even and you need to kick people out or ask 'plan B' friends to join, in order to achieve this."
"It goes without saying that it's only women on the bride's side and only men on the groom's side."
"And the women need to wear matchy-matchy dresses for 'the pictures.'"
"How dare you want to wear a more flattering dress, OP."
"Think of THE PICTURES!"
"All sarcasm. NTA. OP, you were kind and understanding with your friend."
"You offered to step down or wear a similar dress in the same color."
"It's perfectly valid to refuse to wear a dress that you would feel deeply uncomfortable in." ~ NolaJen1120
"My sister has six bridesmaids, all difference shapes and sizes."
"We tried a bunch of dresses and in the end, we chose those infinity ones that you can do in a bunch of different ways."
"Everyone’s comfortable, looks gorgeous, and no one has to be embarrass or humiliated by their so called friends. NTA." ~ Sabrielle24
"This makes me so sad."
"I had a plus sized bridesmaid and she told me one dress I was heavily considering didn’t come in her size."
"I immediately told her she was more important than a dress and we went with a different company with a broader size range."
"I picked something with a high waistline that wasn’t too tight because my matron of honor was 5 months pregnant."
"And we needed a dress to accommodate her belly too."
"I can’t imagine a dress being more important than people!" ~ bananaslammock08
"NTA. BUT!"
"I missed out on so much 'not being comfortable.'"
"I don't own any pictures of myself for any of my 20's."
"And a good chunk of 30's."
"I got up to 350, down to 175. I've been everything, but skinny."
"My biggest regret is not living."
"I put so much thought into things no one else cared about."
"I avoided pictures I wish I now had, and skipped events I was sad to miss."
"Now in my 40's and after kids, it's a completely different outlook."
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not out in booty shorts, but I don't tell my kids I won't swim with them because I'm not comfortable in a suit."
"I swim. I missed swimming." ~ MiLeenaLee
OP, Reddit understands your plight.
And it sounds like you did everything right, with time to spare.
Don't take it personally.
Weddings make people crazy.
You keep doing you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp