We’ve all heard the general rule by now that you don’t wear white to an American wedding, unless you’re the bride or unless it’s requested in the invitations.
But some people still insist on making this small apparel limitation about them, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor sunnylobster was stunned when her future mother-in-law tried to prove a point about attendees wearing white at an American wedding.
But when the argument turned into angry silence, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to expect.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for asking my future mother-in-law (FMIL or MIL) not to wear white to my wedding?”
The OP’s future MiL selected what she wanted to wear for the wedding.
“I (28 Female) and my fiancé (26 Male) have been together for 3.5 years and are getting married in late September.”
“About a month ago around 11 PM, I received a message from my fiancé’s stepmom. It was a picture of an all-white (maybe ivory?) pantsuit with some gold accents.”
“Her message was something along the lines of, ‘Hey! I think I finally found my outfit for the wedding, what do you think?!'”
“Since I was half-asleep as we normally go to bed around 9, I responded, ‘I would have to think about it,’ since I knew she would know I read the message.”
“At the time, I truly had not thought about how I felt about people wearing white to our wedding, and I wanted to give it a fair consideration before I totally said no.”
The OP decided to set a boundary.
“The next day, after discussing with my fiancé, around 6 PM, I messaged her back.”
“I said, ‘Hey, just wanted to check in because it looks like the messages were deleted. I’m not sure if you are upset, I am not upset. I would prefer if you didn’t wear white, ivory, etc., to the wedding. The outfit is super cute, just in a different color.'”
“To this day, I still have not received any response from her.”
Her MIL decided to reach out to her fiancé instead.
“Fast-forward about 3 more days, and his stepmom sent him and his dad a long text quoting an article that asked 8 wedding planners if it’s okay to wear white.”
“She quoted one of the two who said yes, claiming that since it was a pantsuit, she did not think it would distract from me.”
“She then said she would find something that is not ‘white, winter white, ivory, ecru, or cream.'”
“She then ended the message with, ‘no need to discuss this any further.'”
The OP’s future father-in-law then behaved out of character.
“My husband did not respond so his dad messaged asking if he got it.”
“My fiancé confirmed but didn’t appreciate the attitude about her deciding what will be discussed.”
“His dad said, ‘No attitude, she will be the only one in white, got it. When someone calls or texts you and you don’t respond, it is just rude as f**k!!!!'”
“About 20 minutes after that she (my FMIL) messaged him (my fiancé) and said, ‘So, if the OP had excitedly sent me a pic of her dress and said, ‘I found the perfect dress, what do you think?’ And I replied, ‘I would have to think about it,’ she would’ve been cool with that. Right?'”
The OP was confused about the situation.
“I’m not sure where to go from here. I would like to resolve this as a family and move forward, but I’m not sure how since she never replied to me.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said attendees needed to be respectful of the bride’s and groom’s wishes.
“It sounds like they’re looking for drama.”
“NTA. Your wedding, your rules.”
“Inform them nicely that anyone wearing white or white-adjacents like ivory, cream, etc., will not be allowed into the venue and will be turned away.” – Rohini_rambles
“NTA, but that woman is.”
“I understand the impulse to wear something a bit edgy and she was right to run it by you first. However, as every 2-year-old learns, when you ask a decision-maker for permission to do something, you do have to accept the ‘no’ if it occurs.”
“She didn’t, and that’s what makes her the AH.” – FeedbackCreative8334
“First of all, she doesn’t get to decide it’s okay to wear white just because some wedding planners on the internet said it was okay. You made it clear without being rude that you didn’t want anyone to wear white. It’s also universally known to not wear white to someone else’s wedding.”
“Second, she’s acting immature and won’t even have a discussion and let you explain your position. SHE’S the a**hole in this scenario.”
“As far as mending, I would just reach out and say that you’d like to discuss your reasoning, etc., and that it’s important to you to have this discussion since she’s family.” – deleted
“Your MIL said she would find something else that is not white or white adjacent. Seems to me like you’re done here. If you think she’s blowing smoke and still intends to wear the white pantsuit, then you will need to figure out how you will want to handle that and get your fiance’s buy-in.”
“NTA for asking MIL to not wear white. In my own personal and very humble opinion, this is one of many really dumb wedding ‘rules’ that causes way too much unnecessary drama, but that’s just me. Your wedding (and your fiance’s), your rules.” – Mehitabel9
“A lot of people are saying ‘just let her arrive in white/ivory/whatever color it was and ignore her.'”
“But if she’s as petty as I’m thinking, she’ll make it a big thing; she’ll want to be in all the photos, be the center of attention. She won’t care if OP and DH (Dear Husband= are ignoring her, because in her mind, SHE’S WON.”
“I do like the idea of wine accidentally slipping on her lovely pantsuit. It’s YOUR wedding, you and DH decide whether or not you want people to wear what they want to your wedding… and if they disagree and continue to harass you, they get ignored and uninvited.”
“NTA.” – nuttychoccydino
Others recommended letting the FMIL make a fool of herself at the wedding.
“NTA. Let her rock up in white and then everybody at the wedding will witness her passive-aggressive a**holeishness.”
“Everybody knows that one doesn’t wear white to a wedding! Especially so if you are related to the bride.” – bad5cienti5t
“Can you have several friends wear that pantsuit in various shades of white so she won’t be the only one? In fact, why not have the entire wedding party ALL in white, except you?”
“I’d brainstorm with friends. Don’t tell anyone else.”
“And if she shows up in white, tell the photographer not to take her picture, and if she is in the photos, to colorize her dress. Puce. Totally icky color.” – MissMurderpants
“NTA. Just remember what your wedding is truly about. You and your husband celebrating the love you have for each other.”
“When I got married I had plenty of people telling me about the ridiculous things they were going to wear (they were only joking trying to get a reaction thankfully). I told them all the same thing, ‘You can show up in your birthday suit if you like, just so long as you show up.'”
“The people who know and love you will laugh at her. She will only be in a few photos and the best you can do is ignore her. People like that hate being ignored.” – sid8267195
“NTA. What IS it with these people? Don’t frame it as ‘taking attention away from the bride’ because then they will just argue some bulls**t that ‘you’re the one down front,’ blah blah blah.”
“How about, ‘Why would you want to commit such an unforced social faux pas and have all our friends laughing at you?'”
“And when all else fails, RED WINE SUPER SOAKER SQUAD, ASSEMBLE!” – 3DonizettiQueens
“NTA. It seems though that she is deadset on coming in white, seeing as she diligently found articles to support her crap, knowing it’s crap.”
“Let her wear the white pantsuit, she’s the one who’s going to end up looking like a joke and getting whispered about in the wedding anyway, since everyone knows you don’t wear white in a wedding.”
“And since she is the MIL, that’s extra embarrassing.” – BackhandSlapper
The subReddit was incredibly confused about the whole messaging aspect of the family wedding drama that was brewing, but they were otherwise appalled by the mother-in-law’s indignation about wearing white to someone else’s wedding, digging out an article just to prove her point.
Who knows if she will begrudgingly wear another color or if she’ll show up at the wedding wearing white, likely to prove a point, but one thing was for certain.
The family needed to learn how to communicate in a way that worked for everyone before the happy couple gets married. Otherwise, we can only imagine how many more petty arguments will rise out of “not responding.”