Choosing the perfect wedding dress can be one of the happiest moments for a bride.
It can also be one of the most stress-inducing.
The perfect dress is often the lynchpin that ties everything together.
And sometimes everybody wants a say in the look.
This doesn't always go over well.
Redditor EqualStrange8904 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not taking future MIL to the bridal appointment?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am looking for advice on how to kindly explain to my future F[uture]-M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] why she was not invited to my bridal appointment."
"I went to a sample sale back in December and wound up buying the first dress I tried on."
"My 2 sisters and my mom were in the entourage."
"The dress was 60% off and was what I was looking for (simple, no lace, no beading, no mesh, fit and flair with a train) so it was a no-brainer that it was the one."
"My expectations were low as I was worried there would not be a sample gown that would fit me, but this dress was it!"
"Now onto my future MIL."
"She has been so bitter this entire planning process and makes a face of disgust every time we show her our wedding plans (hates the colors, the venue, the food, the photographer... you name it, she will find something about it that she does not like)."
"I hate what I see when I look in the mirror, so I was not mentally prepared for her inevitable criticisms of the dress, as (in my opinion) it is in a way a criticism of my body."
"My fiancé disagreed and said she would never be so harsh about my looks, but I do not feel that way."
"She would not have liked the experience."
"She would have talked me out of this dress."
"My future MIL is not one to buy something on the spot, she would have wanted me to go home and think about it before buying it."
"Now, this is practical, but not how the sample sale worked, as you had to say yes on the spot otherwise it would go to another bride."
"She also would not have been able to see my vision, as the dress still needed alterations."
"For these reasons, I knew taking her along to the appointment would have resulted in tears, confusion, and not finding a dress."
"I SWEAR I intended to take her to the next shopping trip, which wound up not being necessary, and if she had not started giving me the silent treatment, I was going to take her to a bridal fitting."
"Now here is where I might be the AH."
"Since getting the dress without her present, her negative comments have gotten much worse and I have started getting my guard up as soon as we start talking about the wedding with her."
"It is to the point where I cannot even handle constructive criticism from her because I am in full fight-or-flight mode when she is around."
"I am honestly not sure who is giving who the silent treatment at this point, but we have stopped talking to each other."
"Tomorrow we are supposed to go have a talk with my fiancé present and I need to explain to her with a calm head why things have changed between us."
"I feel like this all could have been avoided if she had just come to the damn bridal appointment in the first place, and if I had a spine, I could have just ignored her comments and bought the dress anyways."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Laugh at her and drag out a list as long as a Walgreens receipt."
"Ya, it's a maze."
"We were going to surprise you!"
"We did that on purpose because it's like a ping pong PINBALL machine, and you picked the bumpers."
"I'll add 'maze around tables' to the list of what you don't like so we don't mention it again."
"Thanks for letting us know. Byeeeeee!!!" ~ smallpepino
"I mean frankly I would just settle in for a long slog through a difficult relationship with this woman."
"We can't make others behave how we'd like them to, no matter how hard we try or how much we want to make it work for the other people (read: fiancé) we love."
"The attempt just becomes a drain on your own energy."
"If her reaction to wedding plans is any indication of who she is as a person, she's one of those people who is happier being unhappy."
"These people will suck the life out of you every damned time." ~ Adventurous_Ad_6546
"I hope OP realizes that this is how the FMIL does everything."
"Catering to her won't work, she will always be negative, and critical, and if FMIL knows she can make comments and ruin everything she will."
"I would seriously rethink spending a lifetime with this woman interfering and criticizing every move."
"She sounds like a nightmare."
"Think of what everything in your married life will be with this woman criticizing everything from your entire wedding, the house you buy, everything about pregnancies, children's names, every aspect of child-raising, and everything else." ~ Dangerous_Ant3260
"NTA but I understand why you want to speak to her kindly, even if you would have every right to be upset with her."
"She will be family very soon, unfortunately."
"Like a lot of people here are saying you should talk to your fiancé and ask him how to speak gently to her so she understands."
"But I think you must be prepared that she is going to be mad no matter what and how you say it to her if she's as bitter as you say." ~ Adorable_Committee90
"NTA, she's not going to be happy with anything so don't worry about it."
"It doesn't sound like you'll have a good relationship with her no matter what, enjoy your wedding planning, and don't let her be a damper." ~ boo2449
"Do not have a meeting."
"OP, your fiancé needs to rein his mother in now, not only to show her that he supports you fully but to show YOU that he supports you fully."
"As others have already said, stop involving your MIL-to-be in any wedding planning."
"Call her out on her criticisms and make it clear that the negative attitude has consequences."
"She is hypercritical and uses that behavior to control people by making them doubt themselves and their choices."
"Don't fall into her trap."
"Finally, I'll bet your dress is gorgeous and you will look beautiful in it! NTA." ~ incognito_autistic
"NTA, obviously, and if you aren't in therapy already, please get yourself there soon."
"The fact that you're seriously entertaining the notion, 'But if I just let this person who is mean and abusive toward me have their way, maybe they wouldn't be so mean and abusive toward me?' is alarming."
"You will presumably be dealing with this nasty woman for the rest of her natural life, and the time to set clear boundaries with her is right now."
"Don't let her walk into that wedding ceremony with the impression that she's got a new surrogate child she can push around and demean." ~J yqm
"NTA. Do you know who never came to one of my dress-fitting for either wedding? My future MIL."
"Because YOU are the bride, and you need people that you trust."
"And I don't know about you, but I wanted my dress to be a surprise to as many people as possible."
"She is the AH for her actions, but your fiancée is also an AH in this case for not sh*tting his mom down." ~ NotCreativeAtAll16
"NTA. The bridal dress shopping is for the people who support the BRIDE... it's her closest friends and family, not the Groom's (or other bride's) side."
"Does she pull this crap in front of her son, or just when he's not there?"
"She is not going to improve unless her own child shuts her down, completely." ~ Heeler_Haven
"NTA big time."
"However I would pause the wedding until your Hubby to-be pops his head out of his own a** and stops defending his mother for being horrible to you."
"I am telling you now, no man is worth a r/JUSTNOMIL. Please, I beg of you, don't marry a momma's boy." ~ BriefHorror
"NTA. granny here, who shopped and picked out my wedding dress (on sale!) by myself."
"This was in the days before that ridiculous Say Yes to the Dress show, where apparently brides are incapable of picking out a dress without an entourage."
"Pay attention to how your fiance responds to his mother's behavior."
"I know more than one person who had a MIL who made her life miserable, while Sonny was trying to keep his mother and his wife happy, by staying neutral."
"Do you love him enough to put up with her?"
"Does she realize that how she treats you will impact her access to future grandchildren?
"Good luck!" ~ WatermelonRindPickle
OP came back with an update...
"Well, we had the talk, and it was in some ways productive but in other ways, very not."
"For one, she made it clear she is happy we are getting married and wants this wedding to happen; I said thank you for that."
"However she is standing firm on continuing her 'suggestions' and states she will no longer tell them to ME, but will continue giving her critiques to my future husband."
"SO she won't change and stands firm that she is simply having an opinion."
"The main problem is my fiancé... he is upset with the outcome and thinks she should feel comfortable to give me suggestions, and I simply need to learn to take it better."
"He said while I do not need to take her advice, she should still be able to give it... basically saying she need not change, but I should... so yeah."
"I'm not too sure where to go from here because I love him very much but yeah... I am sad I wish he would stand by me on this."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You deserve to be comfortable and happy with your decisions for your big day.
It's worrisome that your future Husband feels differently.
It may be a good idea to have some therapy before the wedding.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp