Everyone wants to look their best during important life events.
This is especially true for brides on their wedding day.
It's meant to be a day of joy and celebration, and each bride wants to remember it fondly.
But what if not everyone sees your vision of beauty the same way?
Redditor StrongRecover741 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling the truth about how the bride looks?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I F[emale] (24) dabble in photography quite often as for a career I design clothing and model it to save costs."
"So when my brother Jake M[ale] (21) asked me to photograph his wedding, I, of course, agreed."
"My brother's wife, Chelsea(22) is a very kind woman, however, her stylistic choices can sometimes be a bit wild."
"I do not judge at all because I know innovation is part of self-expression."
"Chelsea showed me her wedding makeup, and she had these vibrant green contacts on."
"They looked extremely reptilian on her due to it not matching her undertone."
"When she showed me the picture, I told her she looked lovely, but that the contacts weren't the best."
"She seemed a bit offended and told me she just wanted to look 'exotic like you.'"
"I offered to find her some more natural contacts, but she wouldn't relent."
"On her wedding day, as I took pictures, the contacts looked even worse, like a neon green light-up sign."
"When Jake was free for a moment, I showed him a few pictures."
"He called Chelsea over, and she seemed to be happy with the pictures, while Jake seemed a bit iffy."
"Chelsea asked what I thought, and I told her she looked stunning, but I then asked if she'd like me to edit the contrast a bit in the pictures."
"She then got extremely defensive and accused me of calling her ugly on her wedding day."
"Of course, that was not my intention, but I left early to prevent a scene."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. You expressed your opinion, once."
"It sounds like you were mixing your personal opinion ('her stylistic choices can sometimes be a bit wild') with your professional opinion about the contacts, which makes me a touch suspicious of your motivation here."
"But even so, once is fine."
"But then you brought it up again on her wedding day."
"Again when you (unnecessarily) sought a second opinion to back yourself up."
"AND AGAIN when you suggested editing the photos on the same day."
"It's not your place to keep pushing your opinion on the bride."
"She was happy. Why didn't you want her to be?"
"If she changes her mind later — as you suggest she might — then the photos could be edited THEN."
"But you needed to be right and kept pushing, and that's where you're YTA." ~ quats555
"A gentle YTA."
"You showed her the photos, and she liked how she looked- that's what matters in this moment."
"As you said, this is her form of self-expression."
"You'd have been better off sticking to your 'I do not judge at all' claim."
"You approached this as a family member and not as a wedding photographer."
"Can't fault you for that, so a gentle YTA, because you are her new S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]."
"Your honesty was well-intended, but your timing was poor."
"A wedding photographer would have taken the photos and not questioned the bride's style choices."
"That would be the professional approach in this scenario."
"Afterwards, once you send the photos over, the bride could let you know if she has concerns."
"If she didn't, as a photographer, you keep your mouth shut."
"Side note: As someone who does photography as a side hustle, I highly recommend not being the main photographer for relatives' weddings."
"Learned this early on."
"They hire a professional, you have more fun, and whatever photos you take are 'bonus' pictures that they are ever so grateful to receive!" ~ HowlPen
"I agree with this stance, and I think a lot of people here are failing to see past the fact that the bride's contact choice was obviously a mistake."
"This was all about timing, and the right time to bring this up was not on their wedding day."
"I used to work weddings and knew a lot of photographers— this is something they would have brought up, gently, later on, while editing the photos." ~ Carma56
"YTA. Giving her advice pre-wedding was okay."
"There was absolutely no reason to show them pictures or give them advice or ask about editing ON THE WEDDING DAY."
"That could have been saved for post-wedding and could have been done a lot more tactfully (give them a few options of a sample photo and see if they choose the lower contrast one)."
"Also, you then left early, presumably leaving them without a photographer?" ~ v_a_n_d_e_l_a_y
"Giving options post-wedding day is a great idea, and one OP should have thought of before saying something at the moment."
"Unfortunately, doing so now will seem like another attack against the bride's style."
"Agree with gentle YTA."
"Also YTA for saying you don't judge and then proceeding to write out a very judge-y post."
"Everyone judges."
"Don't pretend you're an exception, OP." ~ iamcoronabored
"YTA. You mentioned it the first time, and she disagreed."
"That should have been the end of it."
"But you mentioned it again on the big day!?!?"
"If her contacts really pained you that much, you should have just sent her 2 edited examples (one with adjusted contrast) and asked which she preferred for the rest after the wedding." ~ Joy_3DMakes
"YTA. For the reptilian comment, if nothing else… that is a bit much."
"You know you have a preference for well-balanced colors and stylish choices."
"Others don't have the experience or style to distinguish between overdone and outstanding."
"You should never have agreed to photograph the wedding."
"If you were going to work on the contrast of the pictures, just do it… no need to imply to the bride that you still don't like her choices while you are attending her wedding." ~ arcsine1
"YTA. Keep your unwanted opinions to yourself."
"Whether she looked like a Komodo dragon or not, it's not your place to make her feel bad on her wedding day."
"If they wanted to photoshoot the eye color out after the event, that's so easy to do."
"Instead you put a huge damper on their wedding day." ~ catterybarn
"YTA. I am a wedding photographer."
"Everyone has their own style, which is what makes weddings fun."
"You sound full of yourself."
"Someone who dabbles in photography should not be shooting a wedding."
"I would never consult a client on editing, especially at their wedding."
"Not to mention, greens always look wild before editing. Ridiculous!" ~ Longjumping-Cat-712
"YTA since you did this at her reception."
"That is not the time to discuss picture editing especially since you already discussed the contacts and she's told you she liked them." ~ angryromancegrrrl
"Yeah, I'm confused why she would even ask about editing color balance and contrast."
"That's just… obligatory?"
"It's unethical to make significant changes to the contents of a photo without permission, but lighting/vibrance/etc just comes with the package."
"I would never give people untouched RAWs unless it's relevant or they explicitly request it."
"However, looking at the way the post is phrased, I wouldn't trust OP to not significantly change the color of the bride's eyes to the point of it not resembling reality."
"If you don't know how to act like a professional photographer, you shouldn't be accepting requests to take wedding photos. YTA." ~ sburbanite
"YTA. Stop offering unsolicited criticism of other people's appearance." ~ annang
"You would never make it as a wedding photographer if you did this with other clients."
"You don't 'imply' that the bride and her choices are unsound or unappealing."
"If they don't realize they are having a wardrobe malfunction or something like that, it's different."
"She liked the photos."
"Then you just had to add the negative connotations that you had set up previously."
"She clearly made her preferences known in advance and you decided to push back on it anyway. YTA." ~ Scenarioing
"YTA. You say you told 'the truth' but this is something that is entirely subjective."
"You already had told her you didn't like the contacts and she made it clear she wanted them."
"On the day, at most, you could have said, 'Hey, I know we talked about your green contacts. I'm noticing now that we're in the sun, and they look much brighter than we previously discussed. Is that okay with you?'"
"And when she says yes, you say 'great, thanks' and keep doing your job."
"But you kept making it clear that you didn't like it even though it was what she wanted." ~ Joessandwich
"YTA. You addressed the contacts once already, you were vetoed."
"You need to get off this topic already, God d**n." ~ Chastity-Plants
"YTA - you (or someone who knows how to use Photoshop) could fix the contact problem in 5 minutes if she ended up not liking how they looked."
"YOU didn't like them, so you chose to make a big deal of it in the moment."
"What exactly was the goal here?"
"You had already taken a bunch of pictures."
"Were you going to retake them all?" ~ Latter-Shower-9888
"Eurgh, YTA."
"You tried (fairly successfully) to get your brother to gang up with you against his just-married wife to tell her something about her appearance was, in your opinion, unacceptable ON HER WEDDING DAY when it was something you'd already spoken to her about and she confirmed that, regardless of your opinion, she liked it. Wow."
"Good luck to her being in your family." ~ kifflington
"YTA she already said she'd like the pictures and that's all that should matter."
"It doesn't matter what you think about him and there was no need to express your opinion when it wasn't asked for." ~ keesouth
OP returned to answer some questions:
"The bride was not being racist with the exotic comment; English is her second language; I just look unconventional."
"I left the wedding at 1 am instead of 3; they had lots of pictures taken by me."
"I asked her about the edits at the wedding itself as she wanted them posted ASAP on my account and hers."
"I didn't want her to receive rude comments from our relatives, my followers, or anything like that, but I also didn't want her to be edited without consent."
"Finally, here is what the contacts looked like, https://www.moonfunmakeup.com/products/silken-green-natural-contact-lenses"
Well, OP, Reddit has had some issues with your actions.
There is a time and place for everything, but you didn't have malicious intent.
Maybe offer a more solid apology when things cool off.
Hopefully, your new SIL will eventually understand.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp