When two people come together with children from previous relationships, they’ll often do everything they can to make the children feel comfortable and form a cohesive family.
But sometimes, no matter how much the couple might love each other, their kids just will not feel the same way, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor FamilyWoes90090 had always felt like her stepsister never really accepted her or wanted her as her sister, despite their parents’ efforts to raise them together.
Because of this, she was surprised when her stepsister invited her to be a bridesmaid at her wedding.
However, as the plans unfolded, the Original Poster (OP) realized this was just one more opportunity for her stepsister to treat her as someone less than.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for dropping out of being my stepsister’s bridesmaid after she chose an awful dress for me and pretty dresses for her friends?”
The OP never felt accepted by her stepsister, who she saw as a sister.
“My (step)sister and I were raised together from toddlers to be sisters, not stepsisters.”
“Our parents met when I was 20 months old, and she was almost three. My dad had custody of me, and her mom had custody of her. We never knew another family, so everyone saw us as siblings, and we were treated like we were.”
“Something I was aware of, even when we were kids, though, was that she’d call herself an only child and say she had no siblings. That was mostly a school and with-friends thing. She never said it around our family. But I always felt like she didn’t see me as her sibling.”
“We never had a closer relationship, and the other siblings I grew up seeing had good and bad in their relationships. I never knew any that were always distant.”
“As an adult, of course, I know not all siblings are close and get along, so maybe I shouldn’t read into it too much, but I often suspected the ‘step’ mattered in why she was that way.”
“I remember she was always willing to help younger cousins look cute, and she’d do makeovers for her friends’ younger siblings, and sometimes I’d even hear her say she’d love a little sister. But she never did those things with me. A few times I asked, and she started grumbling, and I left it alone.”
The OP was surprised when her sister wanted her to be involved in an important life event.
“I had learned to accept we would never be close by the time I reached like 13 or 14… which is why I was surprised when she asked me to be her bridesmaid.”
“I wasn’t asked to be her Maid of Honor, and I wasn’t her only bridesmaid. She had eight of us. The others were her friends.”
“I did notice I found out everything later than the others about stuff she wanted us to do. I didn’t get invited to look at wedding dresses with the rest of the bridesmaids. But I was included when she went shopping for jewelry for the bridesmaids. We were all there.”
“Then we had two days of bridesmaids’ dress shopping. In the first store, she liked nothing. But I remember feeling awkward because she had focused more on what she wanted for the others’ dresses.”
“Then the second day was successful. Only, I figured out immediately that she was trying the others in these really cute dresses, and I was getting dresses that either did not flatter me and my body or weren’t pretty.”
“I should mention now that we were all going to wear different dresses and different colors. She wanted that.”
“The other girls all loved what they were trying on, and I thought all the others looked so nice. But I hated everything she tried on me. And I felt like they got worse on me as we went on.”
“I did speak up a couple of times because the others did. She listened to them but not me.”
The OP realized that her stepsister likely did not want her to be in the wedding after all.
“I pulled her aside before we finished and asked her if there was anything else she liked for me to try on because I felt like the other girls had nicer dresses.”
“She told me it wasn’t my wedding and I was meant to do what she wanted.”
“I told her I understood, but she was okay with hearing out the others. She walked away from me and went back to them without responding.”
“I was texting my boyfriend, and he said the dress wasn’t very flattering on me. Even the lady who was helping us said the dress could be tailored to better fit my body if I wanted to try that.”
“But I saw it as a sign that I wasn’t really wanted, and she was using it as a chance to make me feel less than. So I got changed and went back out to her and said I wasn’t working out as a bridesmaid, and she could find someone else that she actually wanted.”
The OP’s friends understood where she was coming from, but her family was critical.
“She didn’t try to stop me, but she went to our family, and they were asking why I’d do that, and they told me it seemed silly to step down over a dress and that we’re sisters and this is special.”
“I told them it was about more than just the dress and said she was always careful to hide the other stuff from them, but now they don’t believe me and think I’m the a**hole.”
“I’m doubting myself now. But I did show some others what she was dressing me in, and everyone says the same thing. And I showed what one of the other bridesmaids posted, and they see what I’m talking about. Plus, my friends and boyfriend believe me about the history between us.”
“She’s nice to others, and I’ve seen her be really kind to people, just never to me. My parents have never witnessed any of it for themselves, and they see her asking me to be her bridesmaid as proof that it’s all in my head, basically.”
“I wish I could show them exactly how it’s been. I know our parents think I’m being sensitive and now overreacting.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she did not need to worry about how her family viewed her choices.
“NTA. Your family only sees the surface. Since she hides her treatment of you well, they believe she’s the loving sister, and you’re being dramatic. That’s incredibly invalidating, and it makes you question yourself.”
“But the people who know you personally, your boyfriend, your friends, and even the bridal shop lady! see what’s really going on, and they’re siding with you. That says a lot.” – dontoliver01
“NTA. It’s not about making you look bad in a dress; it’s about her being able to say, ‘Well, I wanted her to be a bridesmaid, and she backed out because she didn’t get what she wanted.'”
“I’ll admit, she’s very good. Her ability to manipulate and redirect so cleanly is rather impressive.”
“I would attend as a guest, and my gift to her would be something like a toaster. Something she already has. When she complains, you’re just indifferent to her, ‘Oh well, it’s a great toaster, I’m not too sure what the problem is. I’m sure she’ll work it out.'”
“Don’t focus on it too much… the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference. I encourage you to adopt that mindset towards her.” – Quiet-Hamster6509
“NTA. This was never your fault. She set you up.”
“You were either going to be at her wedding in a dress that looked hideous on you, or you’d drop out as a bridesmaid, and she could point to how she tried to include you, but you backed out for petty reasons.”
“This was a no-win scenario for you. Create distance between yourself and her, and write a new scenario that is a winner for you.” – HoldFastO2
“I would have told family, ‘I’ll gladly attend as a guest and not as a bridesmaid because I’m not wearing that embarrassing, ugly dress she wants me to wear. But since you all think I’m overly dramatic, I can also gladly not attend the wedding at all, either, to keep drama down.'”
“They and your stepsister need to pick their battles veryyyyy carefully because you can easily just elope or have a wedding ceremony and not invite any of them when it comes to your own marriage celebration.” – maywellflower
“It’s very hurtful that your parents don’t believe you, and maybe it’s symptomatic of the dynamic during childhood then. They don’t want to see how mean she is to you.”
“This is totally unacceptable and just plain cruel. Don’t second-guess yourself. You see what she is doing, and rest with the knowledge that your friends and boyfriend and even other bridesmaids can see it.”
“Maybe it’s not realistic that your parents will understand unless you try to give them the full story, but it might not even be worth the effort.”
“If I were you, I would decline to participate. Her behavior is not one to cherish or celebrate, so she can be on her own as the only sibling she chose to be.”
“Focus on those who appreciate you instead. She is not worth it.” – turquoise_turtle83
Others agreed and felt the OP was better off not being her stepsister’s bridesmaid.
“NTA. She doesn’t sound like a very nice person. I definitely wouldn’t want to be a bridesmaid for her.”
“Shame your parents don’t seem to believe or understand what you have been putting up with for the past however many years!” – WasabiHeadx
“NTA, and trust your gut on this one. I’m sure she felt pressured to ask you to be a bridesmaid, but she decided to use the opportunity to let you know EXACTLY how she feels about you.”
“Attend the wedding, send a barely reasonable gift, and cut this ‘sibling’ out of your life as much as possible.” – Ok_Childhood_9774
“NTA. I’d write up a clear, detailed, but not overly bitter-sounding email to family. Just tell them directly what you said here.”
“‘I grew up hearing her tell people she didn’t have any siblings over and over. I grew up hearing her tell friends that she wished she had a little sister, even while I was standing right there. I grew up seeing her work hard to bond and connect with her cousins in ways she avoided connecting with me.'”
“‘I am aware of how she feels about me, even if it wasn’t clear to the rest of you. She never saw me as her real sister, and she worked hard to make that clear to me. I’m not being oversensitive or dramatic; there wasn’t anything ambiguous in the message she sent to me.'”
“‘This same message came across loud and clear during her wedding planning, where I was left off of communications, seen as an afterthought, and where it was clear to everyone, even her other bridesmaids and the staff, that the dresses she picked for me were not the same level she picked for others.'”
“‘I chose to step away from a situation where I clearly was not wanted in the first place, and I think both of us will be happier if I am just a regular wedding guest or if I don’t attend at all.'”
“With a reasoned tone like that, and with enough details in there, I think people will have trouble pushing back against you. You’re not attacking directly, you’re simply stating facts and giving justification for dropping out of the wedding. And out of her life as much as possible, if not entirely (that’d be my goal, anyway).” – BigMax
“Don’t be there for either the wedding or the divorce. She won’t be there for yours. NTA.” – HasOneHere
“She’s doing what she’s always done, using this as an excuse to ‘other’ you and make you less than everyone else. Good on you for seeing through that and not playing her games.”
“She doesn’t want a sister, and she never has. You take away the attention from her, and she resents sharing the affection and attention. Now you’ve stepped down, she’s doing it again, making it about her and acting like it’s a surprise, so everyone else thinks you are being petty.”
“She’s told you how she feels, and you should believe her. She only included you in the first place for the optics, and if anyone said anything, it would always be your fault.”
“Go low or no contact with her, let her live her life, and don’t bother attending the wedding. You’ll never have a sisterly bond with her, and that’s fine. Chasing after it and hoping something will happen to bring you closer is futile. You could give her a kidney, and she’d still be cold and ungrateful.”
“Cutting her out of your life as much as possible will make her happy and stop you feeling stressed. Let her have her day, and don’t worry about what other people say. Live your life and demote her to ‘someone you know.'”
“Your parents are oblivious and look at your relationship through the lens of how they want it to be, not how it actually is. I’m sure they’ll pull the ‘but faaaaaamily’ card and tell you to be the bigger person. That’s always code for, ‘We know she’s being a b***h, but we don’t want to create drama.'”
“Let them explain why you aren’t at the wedding or in the pictures. I’m sure your stepsister won’t care.” – Adelucas
The subReddit empathized with the OP’s situation and completely understood why she found it so hurtful.
It was clear that the stepsister had probably been pressured to include her sister in her wedding party and behaved accordingly, and it was best for both of them that the OP was not involved.
But some entertained the idea of the OP stepping back from the situation in other ways.
Since her sister never saw her as a sister anyway and didn’t make an effort to connect with her, it would be far healthier for the OP to create some distance and make a happy life for herself that did not depend on validation from her family or non-family.