We're often taught growing up that not everything is about us.
That being said, there are certain days when we are permitted to be a little more in control and be the center of attention.
One of them being our wedding day, where we and our soon-to-be spouse get to make all the decisions, regardless of how everyone else might feel about that.
Including the wedding party.
Redditor devilshandstree was soon to be married and had a very specific idea of how she wanted her bridesmaids to look.
Unfortunately, this look did not sit well with one of her bridesmaids, as it veered considerably from her normal style.
While the bridesmaid asked if she could adhere to her usual look, the original poster (OP) stood firm in her decision.
After being called "controlling" for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my friend to not wear makeup to my wedding?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to give one of her bridesmaids an ultimatum:
"I (24 F[emale]) recently asked my close friend (Devin, 23 F) to be a bridesmaid for my wedding."
"We've been friends since high school and I was very excited to have her by my side."
"I put together baskets for my bridesmaids that included a printed list of the dress code for the wedding."
"This list included that I wanted them to wear a green dress in any style or shade, silver heels, and light natural makeup."
"I plan on having a makeup artist there day of to do the girls makeup."
"For context Devin typically dresses in a very traditional goth style with the white base, heavy black eyeliner, ect."
"I love her style and I think she looks absolutely beautiful in it however thats not the look I'm going for at my wedding."
"She texted me a few hours after after I gave her the basket saying 'So, I'm not allowed to wear my makeup to the wedding?'"
"I explained to her that if she wanted to be a bridesmaid she would have to adhere to my dress code but she was welcome to just come as a guest and dress in her normal style."
"She responded basically saying 'If you don't want me to be myself then I don't need to be there at all' I told her I wasn't trying to change who she is, I just want her to match the rest of the bridesmaids for one day."
"She got very upset and said I was trying to 'aestheticize' all my friends and that I cared more about a photo than my friends comfort."
"My friends and family are all very mixed on this situation some saying I was being controlling and purposely excluding Devin while others agree that it's my wedding and she's being very dramatic."
"Devin hasn't spoken to me since our text conversation and I've heard from mutual friends that she's saying she's 'not welcome' to my wedding which is just not true."
"I just wanted to clarify that she can still go to the wedding in her normal aesthetic just as a guest, not a bridesmaid."
"Also clarifying that she does wear lighter makeup a couple times a month to different events, I referenced these looks as being ok but she would prefer to do a trad goth look with the base and everything for the wedding due to there being people she doesn't know there."
"To clarify my relationship with Devin."
"We met in high school because my fiancé (bf at the time) and her now husband (also bf at the time) are best friends."
"She is not my best friend we've just spent a lot of time together through double dating ect."
"Also I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and adhered to her dress code."
"A specific deep red dress for bridesmaids and much more dramatic style of makeup than I typically do done by a makeup artist."
"I feel like I was being very reasonable and even offered a compromise but I also don't want to lose a friend over something this small."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling Devin she can't wear her usual, goth makeup at her wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP was not being controlling, and all brides had the right to choose the makeup style for their bridesmaids. Many felt Devin's behavior was all the more ridiculous since she has gone to other events without her goth makeup, and the OP adhered to her chosen makeup style for her wedding:
"As a gothy alt girl, you're absolutely NTA."
"There's a time and a place for full white base dramatic makeup, and a bridesmaid in a wedding party is NOT it."
"I wouldn't even wear that kind of makeup as a guest; it would attract too much attention from the bride and groom."
"It's the same reason why you don't wear white to a wedding or any clothes that are overly dramatic."
"It's not about me, it's about them."
"She's being extremely immature."
"It's not controlling at all to dictate the makeup of your wedding party."
"It's extremely normal and common to have a makeup artist come to do the whole party's look."
"She had a style you had to adhere to at her wedding, but she won't do the same for you?"
"Insufferable."- illprobablyeditthis
"Surprised at these comments."
"No you're NTA for asking a friend to go without heavy goth makeup for one day."
"You're not asking her to dye her hair or dress as a clown - just to tone down her very traditionally eye-catching look very temporarily."- mvuanzuri
"You’re NTA."
"It’s f*cking makeup and trying to argue that a goth person wouldn’t be comfortable in green and that the dress is a compromise enough is f*cking stupid."
"You can be goth and have a lighter makeup look, you can be goth and have colors incorporated into your outfits (dark greens, hot pinks, burgundy, etc), you can be goth and put your makeup aside for one f**king day to support your friend."
"I don’t think people realize that this day isn’t about them and wearing over the top makeup or bright hair will absolutely outshine the bride in wedding pictures, OP you’re NTA but the way your 'friend' is twisting your words and telling people a different story makes me believe you should distance yourself from them."- TinyCrittersUnited
"OP’s friend’s reaction is WAY over the top."
"Telling mutual friends that she’s not welcome to OP’s wedding is a blatant lie."
"She is welcome: as a bridesmaid with natural makeup OR as a guest with her goth AESTHETIC makeup."
"It’s not controlling to want the pictures to be uniform."
"It’s not controlling to want to be the main focus of the pictures of HER day."
"Bonus!"
"Weddings are WEDDINGS."
"Why are we acting surprised that the bridesmaids are expected to look a certain way to match the flow of the wedding they are in?"
"NTA."- ggmazes92
"NTA."
"These comments are odd, if your 'identity' is so contingent on aesthetics to this degree that you can’t handle one day, you might need to do some work on the stability of that identity."- creamygnocchisoup
"NTA."
"Full on goth makeup like that is essentially like drag makeup."
"It's heavy and artistic."
"It's not typical makeup."- shipmetofiji
"NTA."
"I had bright red hair when I was asked to be in my best friend's bridal party."
"I am heavily tattooed, used to wear heavier makeup, have stretched ears, etc."
"You know what she didn't have to ask me to do?"
"Not do that on one day."
"She never asked me to dye my hair, I did it because I can take a short break from red hair."
"She didn't ask me to change my makeup; I did the same makeup as her other two bridesmaids and MOH."
"Obviously I did not over up my tattoos, I did not change my piercings, but I decided that for one of my best friends most important days I could do something so minimal and stand out less."
"I honestly might have been briefly offended if she had asked me to do any of those things, but only for about 5 seconds until I realized that my eyeliner or hair color that I already changed constantly was actually not more important than standing next to my friend on a huge day."- ConstantlyCryingGirl
It can be frustrating to be told you have to do a certain thing.
Generally speaking, though, it's a given part of being a bridesmaid that you don't get to choose your dress, hair, or makeup style.
Something Devin should come to accept, particularly after the OP adhered to her decisions on her special day.
