We're often taught growing up that not everything is about us.
That being said, there are certain days when we are permitted to be a little more in control and be the center of attention.
One of them being our wedding day, where we and our soon-to-be spouse get to make all the decisions, regardless of how everyone else might feel about that.
Including the wedding party.
Redditor devilshandstree was soon to be married and had a very specific idea of how she wanted her bridesmaids to look.
Unfortunately, this look did not sit well with one of her bridesmaids, as it veered considerably from her normal style.
While the bridesmaid asked if she could adhere to her usual look, the original poster (OP) stood firm in her decision.
After being called "controlling" for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my friend to not wear makeup to my wedding?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to give one of her bridesmaids an ultimatum:
"I (24 F[emale]) recently asked my close friend (Devin, 23 F) to be a bridesmaid for my wedding."
"We've been friends since high school and I was very excited to have her by my side."
"I put together baskets for my bridesmaids that included a printed list of the dress code for the wedding."
"This list included that I wanted them to wear a green dress in any style or shade, silver heels, and light natural makeup."
"I plan on having a makeup artist there day of to do the girls makeup."
"For context Devin typically dresses in a very traditional goth style with the white base, heavy black eyeliner, ect."
"I love her style and I think she looks absolutely beautiful in it however thats not the look I'm going for at my wedding."
"She texted me a few hours after after I gave her the basket saying 'So, I'm not allowed to wear my makeup to the wedding?'"
"I explained to her that if she wanted to be a bridesmaid she would have to adhere to my dress code but she was welcome to just come as a guest and dress in her normal style."
"She responded basically saying 'If you don't want me to be myself then I don't need to be there at all' I told her I wasn't trying to change who she is, I just want her to match the rest of the bridesmaids for one day."
"She got very upset and said I was trying to 'aestheticize' all my friends and that I cared more about a photo than my friends comfort."
"My friends and family are all very mixed on this situation some saying I was being controlling and purposely excluding Devin while others agree that it's my wedding and she's being very dramatic."
"Devin hasn't spoken to me since our text conversation and I've heard from mutual friends that she's saying she's 'not welcome' to my wedding which is just not true."
"I just wanted to clarify that she can still go to the wedding in her normal aesthetic just as a guest, not a bridesmaid."
"Also clarifying that she does wear lighter makeup a couple times a month to different events, I referenced these looks as being ok but she would prefer to do a trad goth look with the base and everything for the wedding due to there being people she doesn't know there."
"To clarify my relationship with Devin."
"We met in high school because my fiancé (bf at the time) and her now husband (also bf at the time) are best friends."
"She is not my best friend we've just spent a lot of time together through double dating ect."
"Also I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and adhered to her dress code."
"A specific deep red dress for bridesmaids and much more dramatic style of makeup than I typically do done by a makeup artist."
"I feel like I was being very reasonable and even offered a compromise but I also don't want to lose a friend over something this small."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling Devin she can't wear her usual, goth makeup at her wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP was not being controlling, and all brides had the right to choose the makeup style for their bridesmaids. Many felt Devin's behavior was all the more ridiculous since she has gone to other events without her goth makeup, and the OP adhered to her chosen makeup style for her wedding:
"As a gothy alt girl, you're absolutely NTA."
"There's a time and a place for full white base dramatic makeup, and a bridesmaid in a wedding party is NOT it."
"I wouldn't even wear that kind of makeup as a guest; it would attract too much attention from the bride and groom."
"It's the same reason why you don't wear white to a wedding or any clothes that are overly dramatic."
"It's not about me, it's about them."
"She's being extremely immature."
"It's not controlling at all to dictate the makeup of your wedding party."
"It's extremely normal and common to have a makeup artist come to do the whole party's look."
"She had a style you had to adhere to at her wedding, but she won't do the same for you?"
"Insufferable."- illprobablyeditthis
"Surprised at these comments."
"No you're NTA for asking a friend to go without heavy goth makeup for one day."
"You're not asking her to dye her hair or dress as a clown - just to tone down her very traditionally eye-catching look very temporarily."- mvuanzuri
"You’re NTA."
"It’s f*cking makeup and trying to argue that a goth person wouldn’t be comfortable in green and that the dress is a compromise enough is f*cking stupid."
"You can be goth and have a lighter makeup look, you can be goth and have colors incorporated into your outfits (dark greens, hot pinks, burgundy, etc), you can be goth and put your makeup aside for one f**king day to support your friend."
"I don’t think people realize that this day isn’t about them and wearing over the top makeup or bright hair will absolutely outshine the bride in wedding pictures, OP you’re NTA but the way your 'friend' is twisting your words and telling people a different story makes me believe you should distance yourself from them."- TinyCrittersUnited
"OP’s friend’s reaction is WAY over the top."
"Telling mutual friends that she’s not welcome to OP’s wedding is a blatant lie."
"She is welcome: as a bridesmaid with natural makeup OR as a guest with her goth AESTHETIC makeup."
"It’s not controlling to want the pictures to be uniform."
"It’s not controlling to want to be the main focus of the pictures of HER day."
"Bonus!"
"Weddings are WEDDINGS."
"Why are we acting surprised that the bridesmaids are expected to look a certain way to match the flow of the wedding they are in?"
"NTA."- ggmazes92
"NTA."
"These comments are odd, if your 'identity' is so contingent on aesthetics to this degree that you can’t handle one day, you might need to do some work on the stability of that identity."- creamygnocchisoup
"NTA."
"Full on goth makeup like that is essentially like drag makeup."
"It's heavy and artistic."
"It's not typical makeup."- shipmetofiji
"NTA."
"I had bright red hair when I was asked to be in my best friend's bridal party."
"I am heavily tattooed, used to wear heavier makeup, have stretched ears, etc."
"You know what she didn't have to ask me to do?"
"Not do that on one day."
"She never asked me to dye my hair, I did it because I can take a short break from red hair."
"She didn't ask me to change my makeup; I did the same makeup as her other two bridesmaids and MOH."
"Obviously I did not over up my tattoos, I did not change my piercings, but I decided that for one of my best friends most important days I could do something so minimal and stand out less."
"I honestly might have been briefly offended if she had asked me to do any of those things, but only for about 5 seconds until I realized that my eyeliner or hair color that I already changed constantly was actually not more important than standing next to my friend on a huge day."- ConstantlyCryingGirl
It can be frustrating to be told you have to do a certain thing.
Generally speaking, though, it's a given part of being a bridesmaid that you don't get to choose your dress, hair, or makeup style.
Something Devin should come to accept, particularly after the OP adhered to her decisions on her special day.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.