Having your significant other feel like a part of the family can have its challenges, especially if both parties come from opposing backgrounds.
A woman tried to accommodate her brother's fianceé for an upcoming family event, and when she expressed concern about a specific matter, it led to drama.
She visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Pickyprincessa asked:
"AITA for not letting my brother attend our family's holiday because of his fiancée's cultural beliefs?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (30 F[emale]) any my brother (28 M[ale]) has been dating his fiancée (26 F[emale]) for about two years. She's a great person - kind, smart, and loves him, but our families couldn't be more different."
"Our family is laid back and loud, and our holiday celebration is the highlight of the year. It's a big deal for us, with lots of food, drinks, dancing, and games. We go all out, and it's the one time we all come together to have fun without judgment."
"But my brother's fiancée comes from a conservative religious background with strict dietary and cultural rules. She doesn't eat pork, shellfish, or anything non-halal. She also doesn't drink alcohol or participate in dancing or games, which are core parts of our celebration."
The OP continued:
"Last year, she joined us for the first time, and it was uncomfortable. My mom made separate dishes without pork or shellfish, and we toned down the drinking, but she still seemed out of place."
"She didn't eat much, didn't engage in conversation, and spent most of the evening sitting quietly while we celebrated. My brother looked tense the entire time, and the vibe felt off like we were walking on eggshells."
"This year, my brother called me asking for more changes. He wants us to have a completely dry holiday—no alcohol, no pork, no shellfish, and to make the atmosphere 'more respectful' by skipping the loud music and dancing."
"He said it's about making her feel comfortable and included and that it's just one day, so why can't we make the sacrifice?"
"I told him while I respect her beliefs, this is our family tradition, and changing everything for one person isn't fair to the rest of us. This holiday has been the same for decades, and it means a lot to us too."
The OP explained how things went down after she gave her input.
"He got upset, saying that by refusing, I was excluding them and being disrespectful. I reminded him that we had already made compromises last year, but she still didn't seem happy, so how far are we expected to go?"
"I even suggested they do their own thing this year, and we could catch up after, but he blew up, accusing me of pushing them out of the family. Now he's threatening not to come at all, and it's causing a major rift."
"Some of our family members think we should just go along with the changes to keep the peace, while others agree with me that it's unreasonable to ask everyone to completely overhaul our traditions for one person, especially when she doesn't seem to want to meet us halfway."
"My mom is caught in the middle and just wants everyone to get along, but no matter what, someone is going to be upset."
"Honestly, I don't want to exclude my brother, but I also don't want our holiday to feel like something it's not. Why should we have to change our entire tradition? They knew what our family was like when they got together, and while I'm all for respecting different cultures, I think there has to be some compromise on both sides."
"My brother is making it seem like I'm being stubborn, but I think I'm just trying to protect something that's important to us. So now tell me, AITAH or NTA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA. It's absurd and entitled to think that a long-standing family event, which only happens once a year and when everyone gets to enjoy being together, should change 180 degrees for … 10? 20? people who look forward to it and enjoy it - as is - for YEARS to accommodate one person. The math isn't mathing."
"Your family compromised - it seems happily - last year to make her feel as welcome as possible. Yes, she should meet you halfway. Yes, she should accept and appreciate the individually-made food and lowered music done all for her comfort."
"Anyone who thinks a family tradition should be utterly changed for handfuls of people to accommodate one new person is entitled, selfish, disrespectful, and most concerning of all, not actually interested in developing a relationship with the group that will become her second family."
"I have friends and extended family who are halal (apologies if that should be capitalized?), kosher, and even not religious things that affect their ability to eat or be around certain things (gluten-free, sensitive to sensory overload, etc.)"
"You can appreciate that people want you there by compromising. You can express how you want to be there by appreciating what they've done, or bringing your own food if you wish, or taking a break while there - or even choosing to sit this event out."
"But when that someone demands a complete overhaul? There are too many red flags to count. And they're not even married yet." – dresses_212_10028
"It was especially annoying that her brother said, 'It's just for one day.' Exactly! It's one day a year that she has to tolerate them drinking and dancing. It's absurd, and so entitled to ask them to change their entire event for her comfort."
"How will this work for her in the future? Will she ask people to have dry weddings with no dancing for her? If there's a work party with alcohol, will she demand they change it? Will they b*tch and moan about not being invited every time the family wants to get together, or just insist the family never gets to have a party ever again?" – AnnieAnnieSheltoe
"NTA."
"I kind of think of it in that they probably wouldn't serve pork and shellfish and alcohol for YOUR family if they showed up to their house and you would be expected to observe and respect their cultural traditions if you attended their family functions."
"You aren't asking her to participate in the things that are not culturally acceptable to her, you aren't excluding her either, and you made an effort to have things she can eat, and you weren't harassing her about not drinking, but she made it weird and awkward."
"I don't drink at all and never have, and I'm not really comfortable around people that do drink in excess and get all crazy, so I just either avoid those situations or do my best not to be a stick in the mud when I attend, but don't drink. She doesn't have to make it weird."
"If 'it's only one day,' then it shouldn't be a big deal for her not to attend and for your brother to attend on his own. My husband doesn't go home with me for every family holiday because he gets overwhelmed with my huge family after being an only child, and it's not a big deal."
"You made an effort to include her and so she can make an effort to be thankful for what you did do and not make everyone feel weird or just stay home for one day." – WannabeLibrarian2000
"NTA - But I'm VERY surprised that she'd marry someone non-traditional like your brother or marry into your family if she really is that conservative. Usually, Muslims that are more religious marry people like themselves so they won't be in these types of situations that make them feel uncomfortable."
"I wouldn't change anything about your events for one person. She can't force her beliefs onto the rest of your family. There are plenty of opportunities for her to enjoy her types of events with other Muslims or at the mosque if she wants. Your family should be allowed to enjoy your traditions."
"Also just curious about whether your brother drinks, eats pork, shellfish, etc, or has given all that up since he met her." – Unhappy-Prune-9914
"NTA. It's simply not a reasonable expectation for your family to change their entire life for her when she's the guest at the event. It isn't about her, it's about your family tradition."
"Also, there have to be other events with the family that would be easier for her throughout the year? I feel like she can skip the crazy party ones and still bond with the family." – thefrozenflame21
'NTA.'
"So, ask your brother - when he is invited to join HER family to celebrate, do they change the way they do things to make him feel welcomed, included, comfortable, etc. ? Do they serve alcohol, play music & dance, serve/prepare food they don't eat ? Does her family change everything for ONE person? I think we all know the answer."
"Your brother is asking & expecting WAY too much of you and your family. You did your best to try and make his fiancee feel included & comfortable, and apparently, she wasn't happy with the effort - that's HER problem, not your family's."
"You all did your part, and she clearly didn't appreciate it or put forth any effort to participate, in any way. It's understandable that he wants her to feel accepted, included & comfortable, but he doesn't want compromise or 'meeting halfway'; he wants everything her way. He can't expect the entire family to ruin their celebration for the sake of one person."
"You do this ONE TIME a year! If his fiancee isn't comfortable with how your family celebrates, then she can choose not to attend, and so can your brother. The family members that are ok with changing everything can host a boring celebration, catering only to your brother's fiancee."
"If your brother is A-OK with living his life based around his fiancee's traditions, beliefs, and cultural rules, then more power to him - but he doesn't get to force that on the rest of his family, especially not on the ONE day a year that your family celebrates in this way." – Tw*t-tacular
Overall, Redditors thought the brother was out of line for expecting the family to make major changes to an annual family tradition.
They also thought that if the fiancée was to become a member of the family, it would be best to discuss reaching a compromise.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp