Having your significant other feel like a part of the family can have its challenges, especially if both parties come from opposing backgrounds.
A woman tried to accommodate her brother’s fianceé for an upcoming family event, and when she expressed concern about a specific matter, it led to drama.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Pickyprincessa asked:
“AITA for not letting my brother attend our family’s holiday because of his fiancée’s cultural beliefs?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (30 F[emale]) any my brother (28 M[ale]) has been dating his fiancée (26 F[emale]) for about two years. She’s a great person – kind, smart, and loves him, but our families couldn’t be more different.”
“Our family is laid back and loud, and our holiday celebration is the highlight of the year. It’s a big deal for us, with lots of food, drinks, dancing, and games. We go all out, and it’s the one time we all come together to have fun without judgment.”
“But my brother’s fiancée comes from a conservative religious background with strict dietary and cultural rules. She doesn’t eat pork, shellfish, or anything non-halal. She also doesn’t drink alcohol or participate in dancing or games, which are core parts of our celebration.”
The OP continued:
“Last year, she joined us for the first time, and it was uncomfortable. My mom made separate dishes without pork or shellfish, and we toned down the drinking, but she still seemed out of place.”
“She didn’t eat much, didn’t engage in conversation, and spent most of the evening sitting quietly while we celebrated. My brother looked tense the entire time, and the vibe felt off like we were walking on eggshells.”
“This year, my brother called me asking for more changes. He wants us to have a completely dry holiday—no alcohol, no pork, no shellfish, and to make the atmosphere ‘more respectful’ by skipping the loud music and dancing.”
“He said it’s about making her feel comfortable and included and that it’s just one day, so why can’t we make the sacrifice?”
“I told him while I respect her beliefs, this is our family tradition, and changing everything for one person isn’t fair to the rest of us. This holiday has been the same for decades, and it means a lot to us too.”
The OP explained how things went down after she gave her input.
“He got upset, saying that by refusing, I was excluding them and being disrespectful. I reminded him that we had already made compromises last year, but she still didn’t seem happy, so how far are we expected to go?”
“I even suggested they do their own thing this year, and we could catch up after, but he blew up, accusing me of pushing them out of the family. Now he’s threatening not to come at all, and it’s causing a major rift.”
“Some of our family members think we should just go along with the changes to keep the peace, while others agree with me that it’s unreasonable to ask everyone to completely overhaul our traditions for one person, especially when she doesn’t seem to want to meet us halfway.”
“My mom is caught in the middle and just wants everyone to get along, but no matter what, someone is going to be upset.”
“Honestly, I don’t want to exclude my brother, but I also don’t want our holiday to feel like something it’s not. Why should we have to change our entire tradition? They knew what our family was like when they got together, and while I’m all for respecting different cultures, I think there has to be some compromise on both sides.”
“My brother is making it seem like I’m being stubborn, but I think I’m just trying to protect something that’s important to us. So now tell me, AITAH or NTA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. It’s absurd and entitled to think that a long-standing family event, which only happens once a year and when everyone gets to enjoy being together, should change 180 degrees for … 10? 20? people who look forward to it and enjoy it – as is – for YEARS to accommodate one person. The math isn’t mathing.”
“Your family compromised – it seems happily – last year to make her feel as welcome as possible. Yes, she should meet you halfway. Yes, she should accept and appreciate the individually-made food and lowered music done all for her comfort.”
“Anyone who thinks a family tradition should be utterly changed for handfuls of people to accommodate one new person is entitled, selfish, disrespectful, and most concerning of all, not actually interested in developing a relationship with the group that will become her second family.”
“I have friends and extended family who are halal (apologies if that should be capitalized?), kosher, and even not religious things that affect their ability to eat or be around certain things (gluten-free, sensitive to sensory overload, etc.)”
“You can appreciate that people want you there by compromising. You can express how you want to be there by appreciating what they’ve done, or bringing your own food if you wish, or taking a break while there – or even choosing to sit this event out.”
“But when that someone demands a complete overhaul? There are too many red flags to count. And they’re not even married yet.” – dresses_212_10028
“It was especially annoying that her brother said, ‘It’s just for one day.’ Exactly! It’s one day a year that she has to tolerate them drinking and dancing. It’s absurd, and so entitled to ask them to change their entire event for her comfort.”
“How will this work for her in the future? Will she ask people to have dry weddings with no dancing for her? If there’s a work party with alcohol, will she demand they change it? Will they b*tch and moan about not being invited every time the family wants to get together, or just insist the family never gets to have a party ever again?” – AnnieAnnieSheltoe
“NTA.”
“I kind of think of it in that they probably wouldn’t serve pork and shellfish and alcohol for YOUR family if they showed up to their house and you would be expected to observe and respect their cultural traditions if you attended their family functions.”
“You aren’t asking her to participate in the things that are not culturally acceptable to her, you aren’t excluding her either, and you made an effort to have things she can eat, and you weren’t harassing her about not drinking, but she made it weird and awkward.”
“I don’t drink at all and never have, and I’m not really comfortable around people that do drink in excess and get all crazy, so I just either avoid those situations or do my best not to be a stick in the mud when I attend, but don’t drink. She doesn’t have to make it weird.”
“If ‘it’s only one day,’ then it shouldn’t be a big deal for her not to attend and for your brother to attend on his own. My husband doesn’t go home with me for every family holiday because he gets overwhelmed with my huge family after being an only child, and it’s not a big deal.”
“You made an effort to include her and so she can make an effort to be thankful for what you did do and not make everyone feel weird or just stay home for one day.” – WannabeLibrarian2000
“NTA – But I’m VERY surprised that she’d marry someone non-traditional like your brother or marry into your family if she really is that conservative. Usually, Muslims that are more religious marry people like themselves so they won’t be in these types of situations that make them feel uncomfortable.”
“I wouldn’t change anything about your events for one person. She can’t force her beliefs onto the rest of your family. There are plenty of opportunities for her to enjoy her types of events with other Muslims or at the mosque if she wants. Your family should be allowed to enjoy your traditions.”
“Also just curious about whether your brother drinks, eats pork, shellfish, etc, or has given all that up since he met her.” – Unhappy-Prune-9914
“NTA. It’s simply not a reasonable expectation for your family to change their entire life for her when she’s the guest at the event. It isn’t about her, it’s about your family tradition.”
“Also, there have to be other events with the family that would be easier for her throughout the year? I feel like she can skip the crazy party ones and still bond with the family.” – thefrozenflame21
‘NTA.’
“So, ask your brother – when he is invited to join HER family to celebrate, do they change the way they do things to make him feel welcomed, included, comfortable, etc. ? Do they serve alcohol, play music & dance, serve/prepare food they don’t eat ? Does her family change everything for ONE person? I think we all know the answer.”
“Your brother is asking & expecting WAY too much of you and your family. You did your best to try and make his fiancee feel included & comfortable, and apparently, she wasn’t happy with the effort – that’s HER problem, not your family’s.”
“You all did your part, and she clearly didn’t appreciate it or put forth any effort to participate, in any way. It’s understandable that he wants her to feel accepted, included & comfortable, but he doesn’t want compromise or ‘meeting halfway’; he wants everything her way. He can’t expect the entire family to ruin their celebration for the sake of one person.”
“You do this ONE TIME a year! If his fiancee isn’t comfortable with how your family celebrates, then she can choose not to attend, and so can your brother. The family members that are ok with changing everything can host a boring celebration, catering only to your brother’s fiancee.”
“If your brother is A-OK with living his life based around his fiancee’s traditions, beliefs, and cultural rules, then more power to him – but he doesn’t get to force that on the rest of his family, especially not on the ONE day a year that your family celebrates in this way.” – Tw*t-tacular
Overall, Redditors thought the brother was out of line for expecting the family to make major changes to an annual family tradition.
They also thought that if the fiancée was to become a member of the family, it would be best to discuss reaching a compromise.