Our past is as much about mistakes as it is about achievement.
For every celebration, there is some error in judgment that we learned and hopefully grown from.
So how long should we be held to the standard of our mistakes?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) broken_inside_me when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for kicking out my brother, who our parents have previously disowned, because he told my (now ex) fiancé that I cheated 9 years ago?"
OP began with an introduction.
"For reference, my brother Connor is 19, I am 26, and my (now ex) fiancé Hunter is 28."
"Also for reference, already mentioned in the title, but my brother was kicked out when he was 16 because our parents snooped through his phone and found out he was in gay."
OP explained the situation at hand,
"Connor had a birthday last weekend, so he invited his friends over, and they were all (18-22-year-olds) drinking and playing games."
"Hunter and I were about to head out to let them have the place to themselves when Connor asked if we wanted to join them."
"I initially refused (bit too old to be playing drinking games), but he insisted, and Hunter thought it'd be fun to act like college students again."
"We all got pretty drunk, and Connor had the idea of playing Never Have I Ever."
Everything was fine, until...
"A few rounds in, the statement 'Never Have I Ever cheated before' came up."
"Now's a good time to mention that Hunter is staunchly against cheating."
"His ex-fiancé cheated on him, and it emotionally wrecked him."
"And unfortunately, as a lot of dumb, immature 17-year-olds do, I cheated on my 'boyfriend' of 5 months."
"It was a stupid mistake, he found out, and (understandably) ended things."
"This was almost a decade ago, I obviously learned my lesson, and look back at that time with shame (and obviously never cheated since)."
"Well my brother knows about this so when I didn't drink, he went 'hey sis, what the hell? You know you cheated on (insert ex's name). You have to drink to that!'"
"My boyfriend paused, looked at me, looked at him, and just walked out of the room."
"I followed him and tried to talk to tell him that it was a stupid teenage mistake, but he wasn't haven't any of it and ended things on the spot."
"I'm numb."
"I'm heartbroken."
"He was my everything and more, and I still don't know how I'm going to move on."
"Connor tried to apologize, but I feel nothing but sadness and emptiness."
"This morning I served him an eviction notice."
"He begged me to stay and said he didn't mean to ruin my relationship and he just didn't think when he said those words."
"I just can't look at him right now. He ruined my life. After I raised him and cared for him like he was my own."
OP was left to wonder,
"I feel so hurt. Am I being unreasonable? AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: ESH
Responses were conflicted.
"INFO - Did your brother know that your (ex) fiancé would have such a dramatic reaction?"
"I am not going to go all the way to saying you're an A - but I don't think you should kick him out over this, especially if he didn't know how virulently opposed to you ever having cheated your fiancé would be."
"Your fiancé, though - that is a big reaction. I'm not sure 100% willing to call him an A either, but ... he needs to figure himself out." ~ RLRicki
Some pointed out that OP was being hypocritical.
"I just want to be sure we talk about this on the same level."
"You made a mistake as a teenager and should be forgiven because (1) you were a teenager and teenagers are stupid and (2) you learned your lesson."
"But your teenage brother should be held to a high punishment for his actions...?"
"Really?"
"He was a stupid teenager when he pulled this."
"You were a stupid teenager when you cheated."
"You tried to lie to keep from any punishment but want to punish him for his mistake." ~ SelfANew
"This is exactly why OP is the a**hole."
"Kicking out a teenage boy because he said something during a drinking game that he had no idea would explode in everyone's faces?"
"How can you even react like that when you are the one that raised that boy from 16 onwards? Does she really feel so little for her brother?" ~ hermionecannotdraw
"Your brother is barely older than you were when you made an immature teenage mistake by cheating on your boyfriend, and you certainly deserve to be forgiven for that."
"It was a dumb move, but he didn't mean any harm and seems genuinely remorseful."
"We've all done dumb things without thinking as teenagers."
"Don't trash your relationship with your brother because of your fiancé's issues. This is clearly not just about one instance of cheating as a teenager." ~ kittykalista
Others suspected the toxicity actually belonged to the boyfriend.
"Reading OPs other comments I suspect it's more to do with her relationship with her ex than that she doesn't care about her brother."
"He seems ... controlling/manipulative, and I feel like her reaction to kick out her brother is likely the only way she can think of to show how much she wants to 'keep' her ex and apologize/grovel enough for his liking."
"The whole thing sounds toxic tbh" ~ annshine
"One thing we know is the OP loves the ex way more than the ex loves her."
"This massive power discrepancy in the relationship would have been a recipe for abuse anyway." ~ MonkeyRexo
"I'm actually wondering about this equation here:"
"Fiance way overreacting"
"You don't see anything weird about this"
"You are willing to throw away your relationship with your little brother you consider 'like your own' as a consequence."
"I don't think you're okay OP."
"To me, this is smoke that says there is a fire somewhere."
"I think your fiance may have been gaslighting you on his bad behavior for a while to get you to this point."
"You are walking on eggshells to please him and throw blame for his issues on anyone but him."
"I know that these words get thrown around a lot on Reddit, but definitely don't do anything rash until you sort it out, and seeking therapy is a great first step."
"I have been thinking this one over and (without reading any comments replying) decided that gaslighting was an armchair psychology step too far."
"What I really meant was that OP has become used to placating her fiance instead of compromising when they fight."
"As a person who hates yelling and anger and avoids conflict, I can see how easy it is to always be the one making peace."
"I feel like she's become so used to it that she's now accepting all responsibility for conflicts and not laying enough at his feet."
"This is like gaslighting adjacent but maybe not intentional on the fiance's part."
"OP is getting professional therapy already, so it's not really a harmful suggestion to throw out for the sake of discussion, but I also feel like it's an extreme that the information given doesn't warrant." ~ AzureShell
Responses were very thorough.
"I'm going to have to say ESH."
"Why your brother is TA"
"Bringing up your regretful teenaged mistakes is a huge no-no."
"I don't know why he would think exclaiming to everyone 'hey everyone, my sister is a cheater' was a great move, but I get that it was because he was drunk."
"Alcohol does make you do stupid things."
"I can easily see how the lack of judgment caused by inebriation could lead to him thinking that was an acceptable thing to do."
"Why your fiancé is TA"
"Probably the most controversial of them but I think your ex-fiancé sucks the most."
"I get being hurt in the past because of cheating (I know that pain all too well), but he's holding a mistake you made when you were a teenager against you."
"Assuming you're being honest, you never cheated on him, you've never given any indication that you did, and the relationship was otherwise fulfilling."
"Breaking off an engagement over something you did a decade ago is overkill."
"Why you're TA"
"You're misdirecting your anger."
"I get being upset because your fiancé left you, but I think that's more of a fiancé problem than a brother problem."
"From your story, he wasn't being malicious, and he's obviously remorseful."
"No great relationship should end that suddenly and without warning, especially considering it happened a decade ago."
"I wouldn't let this blimp ruin an otherwise good relationship with your brother. Forgive him." ~ [deleted]
Large or small, our errors will always find us.
There is nothing we can do to fix an error that we made, whether that mistake was a day or a decade ago. But that doesn't mean we can't try to hold ourselves to higher standards.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.