There is perhaps no more momentous occasion than when a child brings their first serious romantic partner home to meet their parents.
Naturally, the new partner is on a mission to please and impress possible future in-laws, but most of the time, the parents are equally eager to make a good impression.
Of course, most of the time, the child in question is just as nervous as their parents and partner, worried someone might say or do something that would put someone off.
Or, worse yet, embarrass them.
The son of Redditor lackoffeminity had a girlfriend who found herself in an unfortunate situation.
Eventually leading the original poster (OP) to open up her home to her.
Unfortunately, things took a somewhat unfortunate turn when the girlfriend of the OP’s son seemed to be getting a little too comfortable in her home.
After confronting her and her son about it, the OP was accused by her son of “embarrassing” him.
Wondering if this was, in fact, the case, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for giving my son’s girlfriend a budget for the dinners she’s making?”
The OP explained why she felt she needed to lay down the law on her son’s girlfriend:
“My son (23 M[ale]) graduated university back in June and he moved back across the country to live with us since he found a job in the area.”
“He’s been in a long distance relationship with his girlfriend, Carmella (21 F[emale]) until October.”
She initially took a semester off from college and was living with her mom.”
“However, she’s decided she’s not going back.”
“Her mom said she would have to move out and she had nowhere to go.”
“My son is moving into his own place in January and had invited her to move in already, saying she could get a job in the area.”
“However, she needed to move out sooner, and they both asked me if she could move in.”
“I agree.”
“Neither are paying rent as I personally don’t believe in charging my kids to live here, so it felt wrong to charge Carmella any.”
“I just asked that they clean up after themselves and be respectful of everyone.”
“They agreed.”
“Carmella moved in after Halloween and she’s been a joy to have here.”
“She’s still looking for a job.”
“Most nights, she’s offered to cook dinner to give back to us.”
“I’ve always told her it’s not necessary, but she insists.”
“She’s a good cook, so I tell her if she wants to, have at it.”
“A week into her living here, she mentioned wanting to make a certain dish but we didn’t have the ingredients.”
“I offered to give her my card so she could buy groceries.”
“Since then, it’s become a regular thing.”
“I didn’t mind it initially.”
“She picked up my groceries as well, and it seemed to be a good deal all around.”
“But then a couple of weeks in, she started wanting to make multiple trips a week and buy things that I normally wouldn’t budget for on a regular basis, such as steak and seafood.”
“I asked her on Sunday when she went to the store to please get everything she needed in one trip. She said okay.”
“I thought that solved the problem.”
“Cut to Monday night, and we finish dinner.”
“She and my son are talking while I’m doing the dishes.”
“Carmella mentions wanting to make steak on Thursday.”
“My son says that sounds good.”
“Carmella says she’ll have to go back to the store.”
“My son turns to me and says ‘Mom, give her the card’.”
“I tell them no.”
“I say I already gave her money to go shopping on Sunday and told her to get everything she needed.”
“I also said we can’t swing everyone having steaks this week (6 people in the house), but maybe I can make them for Christmas dinner.”
“I then go on to say if Carmella wants to keep cooking for us, which I appreciate, I am going to put her on a budget.”
“I apologize for not doing it sooner.”
“Carmella looks upset and my son seems offended.”
“Later on, my son tells me I ’embarrassed’ Carmella when she’s just trying to be nice.”
“I said I appreciate her cooking dinner, but she’s doing it on my dime, and I can’t afford this.”
“I pointed out he’s free to give her money to do this.”
‘My son pointed out they’re only here ‘a few more weeks’, can’t I just make ‘my guest’ happy?”
“Am I really in the wrong here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community had the OP’s back and agreed she was not the a**hole for putting a budget on the groceries Carmella bought.
Everyone agreed that, as the OP was giving Carmella free room and board, she was now taking advantage of her hospitality, even if some felt that Carmella genuinely wasn’t doing anything malicious:
“Regardless of her intentions, treating you as an unlimited bank for food purchases is disrespectful.”
“Capping your food expenses is a completely reasonable thing to do.”
“NTA.”
“Sit down with both of them, tell her that you love her cooking, and that you’d love to sit down and plan meals with her…but you’ll have to stick to a budget because you don’t have a money tree in the back yard.”
“If your son complains again, ask him if he’s going to give her an unlimited food budget when they move in together…I’ll bet his tune changes at that thought.”- wesmorgan1
“NTA.”
“She (or more your son, considering she isn’t working atm) are going to quickly learn when they move out how expensive her cooking is.”
“Best to get them on a budget now for their own sakes anyway.”- MissionYam3
“NTA.”
“But neither is Carmella.”
“Your son is.”
“He has a job and doesn’t pay rent.”
“Fine, but why is he not funding the ingredients?”
“’Give her the card’ also rubs the wrong way.”
“He’s already getting a pretty good deal.”
“You are not an ATM.”- slonkycat
“I mean, they’re in for a rude shock when they move out and are no longer cooking on your dime – tell them it’s good practice for their future.”
“Also, appreciating that you don’t want to charge them rent, but perhaps the ‘giving back’ is your son buying groceries and Carmella doing the cooking?”
“NTA.”- TheNewCarIsRed
“NTA.”
“Yes, you should have put boundaries up quicker, but it’s getting to be too much.”
“You’re not an atm.”
“You can have a one on one convo, and explain that you appreciate her cooking but your budget is tight and meals for six people are A LOT.”
“Any reasonable person would understand.”- Professional_Pop8867
“NTA.”
“Its your budget and it’s not unlimited.”- Similar_Pineapple418
“NTA.”
“It’s so easy to give away other people’s money that your son thinks nothing of it.”-Enough_Chemistry_569
“‘My son turns to me and says “Mom, give her the card”‘.”
“Hahaha.”
“Seriously.”
“‘My son pointed out they’re only here “a few more weeks”, can’t I just make “my guest” happy?'”
“I would laugh at him directly actually.”
“NTA.”- slendermanismydad
“NTA.”
“If your son isn’t paying rent, and he has invited a plus one to live in your home, he should be buying the groceries she is cooking.”
“Or, at least, taking care of their own grocery shopping.”- aj_alva
“NTA, if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.”
“Making you spend more money than you are comfortable with is not ‘helping’ or ‘giving back’ or ‘being nice’, it is a burden.”- Future-Crazy-CatLady
There were a few, however, who felt that the OP’s son was right, and Carmella was, indeed, embarrassed by the OP laying down a budget, even if they still agreed it was the right thing to do:
“NAH here.”
“She probably had no idea you didn’t like the arrangement and the average 21 year old is pretty clueless.”
“She probably is embarrassed and that’s ok!”
“It’s ok to experience negative emotions when you unwittingly do something wrong, especially to someone already doing you a favor.”
“You have every right to set boundaries about your food budget – we pretty much all have to be aware of that with how expensive groceries are.”
“Sounds like you said it kindly and appropriately.”
“Your son needs a reality check.”
“Sounds like them moving out will be a reality check for both of them.”- WafflefriesAndaBaby
Carmella should take a moment to appreciate how lucky she is that the OP allowed her to stay in her home, rent-free.
Generous as Carmella’s idea of cooking for the OP was in theory, it was almost counterintuitive for her to do so on the OP’s dime.
And seeing as both she and the OP’s son will be out on their own soon, they had better get used to not being able to demand the OP’s credit card whenever they need money.