When two people are expecting a baby, emotions are high, excitement is even higher, and they're caught in a whirlwind of decisions centered around their growing family.
One of the favorite decisions is bound to be their baby's name, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Noidea367 found out just how entitled some future parents could be about their baby's name when her pregnant cousin came calling.
When her pregnant cousin demanded that she change her cat's name so that she alone could use the name for her baby, the Original Poster (OP) was surprised, but when the entire family rallied against her, she was shocked.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not wanting to change my cat's name just because my pregnant cousin wants to use his name?"
The OP was surprised when her pregnant cousin approached her about her cat's name.
"I (22 Female) found a stray kitten three years ago. I named him Daniel."
"My cousin and her husband (both 25) are expecting a baby boy in January, and they want to use the name Daniel."
"My cousin texted me saying she and her husband love the name Daniel and asked me if I could change my cat's name."
"When I asked her why, she told me she didn't want her son to share a name with someone's pet cat."
The OP declined the request.
"I told her NO because my cat had that name first and that me changing his name would probably confuse him, because there are studies proving that cats know their name."
"My cousin called me a jerk, and her husband texted me on her phone, saying to change the cat's name because he's just a regular stupid house cat, while his son would have that name forever."
"I told him the same thing. He called me AH for not wanting to change my cat's name."
The OP was surprised by how huge the issue became.
"My mom called me this morning, saying my cousin cried to her, saying I'm being rude."
"My mom told me I should just change my cat name to just make everyone happy."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some argued against entertaining the cousin's demands.
"Does your cousin normally throw complete sh*t-fits about stupid stuff and expect everyone to bend over backward for her?"
"If that's the case, tell everyone you renamed the cat. It's a two-part name. One half is her husband's name, and the other half is the masculinized version of her name. Don't actually rename the cat, but turn the drama up so that she learns not to mess with you in the future."
"All baby clothes and gifts from you are 100% cat-themed. Stuffed cat toy, blanket with a cat print on it, pajamas covered in pictures of sleeping cats..." - maroongrad
"Somewhere on the interwebs, I read about someone bringing home a boyfriend who shared a name with the family cat."
"They referred to the boyfriend as '_____ the human.' They eventually broke up over it."
"Imagine being that fragile. This cousin sounds that fragile. NTA." - Potential-One-3107
"My sisters and I had a cat called Lucy growing up. Years after our cat died, my eldest sister called her first child Lucy. There was no drama."
"There is no reason for you to change your cat's name. There is no reason for your cousin not to call their child Daniel."
"NTA." - Dalton402
"I am not sure your cousin and her husband are mature enough to be parents. You, however, sound like a great cat mom and are NTA in my book." - siouxbee1434
"Please make sure Daniel is chipped, put a tracker on his collar if you can, and upgrade security around your house (including cameras inside and out)."
"I don't know how crazy your relatives are, but for some people pregnancy is like dumping rocket fuel on top of crazy. Make sure your cat is safe, and none of them have access to him." - PrideofCapetown
"NTA. I would say something to the effect of, 'I am 100% certain that my cat is not going to upstage your son in life. Neither are even going to know what their names are. They don't even understand the concept of names. Let's all get some perspective here.'" - AnxiousTelephone2997
"NTA but question:"
"Under what circumstances would this be an issue? They're visiting you in a few years and call Daniel over and your cat, responsive and obedient as all cats are (laughing out loud) comes over instead of their son? You post to social media about your cat and they don't want confusion between cat videos and their own?"
"I mean, lying to people who are being ridiculous I don't see as being as big of a problem. Can you say, 'Okay, I'll change his name to Derrick, but I may forget sometimes and use the name I've been used to for three years.'"
"If they're only going to see you a couple of times a year at, say, Thanksgiving and Christmas, and presumably you visiting without cat, what does it matter if you tell them you changed cat's name and do nothing?" - epeeist42
"NTA. These people, including your mother, are supposed to be grown adults."
"I just googled it and in the US, 606.9 people out of every 100,000 are called Daniel. It was the most popular boy name 5 times in the last 20 years."
"Their child is highly likely to share his name with someone else he will meet at some point." - chez2202
"Don't change any name. It's first come, first served. Tell your mom that the couple can equally choose another name for the unborn baby, and everyone will still be happy. Case closed." - Greeir1a
"NTA. Sounds like your cousin is immature."
"I have a cat named Lily Bit and when my son and his wife were expecting a girl, he told me the name they chose. The nickname is Lily. I reminded him I have a cat named Lily and he was fine with it. My granddaughter is 6 now and loves there's a kitty who shares her name." - Clean-Fisherman-4601
"Sorry, no one owns a name. The cat was named first."
"Is your cousin worried about people confusing the two Daniels at work or in social settings? Because I really don't think they will run into each other all that often. If they do, the Daniels can just explain that, yes, they are in the same family, just different branches. There will probably be only a slight resemblance since OP's Daniel is adopted."
"The two Daniels will probably just laugh off any confusion. NTA." - Liu1845
"Wow. Your whole family is being AHs. That's crazy, wildly entitled, and super controlling. Good for you sticking up for yourself."
"I hope you have lots of boundaries with them moving forward to never discuss that again or anything else like it. They seem to need a refresher on what you get to choose and that they do, not that it's your job to teach them." - Kindly-Cry-4974
Others took a more sarcastic and hilarious approach.
"The baby and cat need matching T-shirts, one that says, 'Daniel the Human' and the other 'Daniel the Cat.' That way the family won't confuse them."
"Or, you know, really make a point and make the cat one that says, 'Daniel #1' and one for the baby that says, 'Daniel #2.'" - Alibeee64
"I would say, 'Thanks for acknowledging my great name choice for Daniel when I first adopted him. You've now made me realize how good of a choice it was, and I will now be naming all future cats to, the extremely not common at all name of Daniel.'" - aussie_nub
"I would also reach out to my egotistical, entitled cousin and ask them if you should change your name if your husband should change his name, and if there are any other people or pets whose name should be changed in case she might want to use that baby name in the future."
"Tell your cousin you work with a manager whose first name is Daniel, and you'll be asking him to change his name too. Ask your cousin what names are acceptable for your pet cat. Tell absolutely every friend relative colleague you have about this insane request from your cousin." - Ok_Imagination_1107
"I recommend if they start talking about their baby, if they use the name Daniel, ask if the are speaking about cat Daniel or the human Daniel." - Lizardgirl25
"NTA. If your cousin doesn't want her kid sharing his name with a cat, then she shouldn't name him after a cat." - teresajs
The subReddit could not stop shaking its collective head at the OP's family, especially her pregnant cousin and cousin-in-law, for their entitlement and weird expectations around baby names.
It hardly seemed likely that Daniel the cat would ever be in the same room as Daniel, the baby, so there would be no opportunities for there to be any sense of confusion about who someone was speaking about, and since Daniel is such a common name anyway, the couple didn't have a chance from copyrighting the name for themselves.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp