Everyone needs practice when perfecting a profession.
Actors need every opportunity to act.
Writers must write.
And chefs must cook.
Eventually, training turns to labor.
And labor… should include pay.
Redditor Durantula_7 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITAH for refusing to give my family free culinary services for a party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (22 M[ale]) am a trained Chef and recently graduated from a course in culinary school.”
“It was a bit expensive, and my aunt and mom contributed to help me pay the fee there (relevant later).”
“Ever since I finished and started to use my skills to earn some cash, my family has been treating me as some personal chef which I didn’t mind at all at first.”
“It started small with helping out at small family gatherings, giving tips on recipes.”
“But now it seems I’m actually expected to be doing real loads of work for free.”
“Last week, my aunt asked me to cater my cousin’s engagement party, which she invited 50+ people.”
“That was wild as she just approached me while casually saying other professional chefs are too expensive for her.”
“When I said I couldn’t do it for free, she acted shocked and said, ‘We are family, and you wouldn’t have this opportunity if I didn’t invest in your skills?'”
“So, she went and spread the word around on how I refused to help her, and some uncles and cousins are telling me how I’m sort of greedy and I should use the opportunity to repay the favor she did me.”
“I told them I love cooking, but it’s my job now, and I can’t work for free.”
“Now they’re calling me selfish altogether.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITAH?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, but pay back your Mom and Aunt what they contributed ASAP as they viewed it as an investment on which they would receive perpetual dividends.”
“Turn it into a loan you repaid in full to cut that off.”
“If you leave it, they’ll hold it over your head forever.” ~ similar_name4489
“This. If the assistance with school is something they are going to wield against OP for free labor, then take that leverage away.”
NTA. OP – I’d rebut all of their nasty comments with ‘I said I wouldn’t do it for free, but at no point was any kind of compensation, even at a reduced rate, offered. I was asked to cater an event for 50+ people, even at $20/head, that’s asking for $1,000 for free.'”
“Would you do it?'” ~ Discount_Mithral
“Came here to say exactly this.”
“NTA, OP.”
“Definitely need to pay back any loans to mom and aunt, or you will ‘owe’ them in perpetuity.” ~ AffectionateYoung300
“I think OP is NTA for refusing to work for free.”
“But the aunt was there when OP needed help.”
“I do think OP should see if they can work with the aunt to find a way to help.”
“Boundaries are good, but helping people who have been there for you is also important (within a limit, don’t get taken advantage of).” ~ Gooner_4_life101
“NTA – Just because she helped pay for your training doesn’t make you her personal servant.”
“If she was hoping to gain something out of her ‘charity,’ then it is not really charity.” ~ puntacana24
“NTA. She’s asking you for product, time, and labor.”
“She should be paying you.”
“Even if it wasn’t a standard rate, she should’ve offered to pay you.”
“Not that you have to, but if you want to smooth things over, I’d agree to make the dessert and a batch cocktail (so long as she supplies everything or reimburses you for any ingredients you bought).” ~ Straight-Ad-5781
“NTA. Start saving up now so you can pay your mother and aunt back.”
“Let them know you are working towards this goal too.”
“Meanwhile, go low contact with this woman as she’s being downright mean to you.”
“You could say something like, ‘I’m sorry Aunt X for the misunderstanding.'”
“‘I thought you helped me pay for culinary school because you loved me and wanted to help me succeed in life, not because you saw me as an investment you could later exploit for free labor.'”
“‘I understand now why you invested in my education, and I’m working to save up enough to pay you and Mom back for your contributions since you are unsatisfied with your return on investment.'”
“‘Now that it’s clear you don’t value me as a person, but only for what I can do for you for free, I think it’s best we limit contact until I’m able to pay you back fully.'”
“‘And since you see fit to involve other members of the family, I’ll be letting them know I’m paying you back as well since I was the one who misunderstood your intentions.'”
“This should clarify for everyone what will be happening moving forward…”
“I am not working for free catering large events or preparing full meals for other people.”
“I will happily contribute a dish if discussed beforehand for an event where family is gathering, but I reserve the right to veto any suggestions I find unreasonable.”
“Any further discussions on this topic are unwelcome.”
“You’ve made it very clear what you expect, and I’ve made it clear you will not be receiving that in return.”
“If you try to argue this point further, I will walk away or end the conversation.”
“This is not up for debate.”
“You cannot convince me otherwise.”
“I wish you better luck with your next investment.” ~ AnIncredibleIdiot
“NTA- I went to school and got a BS in Culinary Arts.”
“Been in the industry for many years.”
“Sorry to tell you… get used to it.”
“Depending on where you work and hours, you will most likely be working all holidays.”
“Then, cook for the family.”
“They will not understand why you don’t get holidays off or have to work so much.”
“Going out to eat will not be enjoyable.”
“Everyone will want to talk about their food and how they can make it at home.”
“You will just be happy that you didn’t have to make it and wish they would talk about something else.”
“When at someone’s house, the kitchen will suck you in.”
“At first, they will be happy to do the dishes if you cook.”
“Then, expect you to cook and clean.”
“I just had my first Christmas off in years.”
“Last time I had it off was during the pandemic.”
“Hotel was closed. Before that?
“I don’t remember.”
“What did I do?”
“I hung out at home with my dog.”
“We were hiding from the world.”
“It was so nice.”
“If they ask for cooking advice, send them a Google link.”
“Get a backbone.”
“You are going to need it in the industry.”
“Or become a plumber.”
“Then you will know the type of crap you have to deal with.”
“Good Luck!” ~ Electronic-Lab-4419
“NTA. It’s called Friends and Family DISCOUNT, not Friends and Family Disfree.” ~ pottersquash
“NTA. Your family is not being fair here.”
“If you pay for someone’s schooling, it’s either A – a gift, no repayment is expected, or B – a loan, repayment is expected, and this was made clear to the person borrowing.”
“What it’s definitely not is a right to free services from that person whenever they demand it.” ~ hereforyounot
“Absolutely agree.”
“I’d pay them back asap instead of ‘working off that debt’ as they expect OP to.”
“I’d even take out a loan if I couldn’t afford to repay them yet and pay off the loan at the bank over time.”
“If you continue working for free, you’ll never be done, and requests will get bigger and bigger over time, OP.”
“The engagement party is over the top already, but I doubt they are aware.” ~ Pandora2304
“NTA. Pay your aunt back and then she won’t have anything to try and guilt you with anymore.” ~ Lumpy_Potato2024
“NTA-they helped you get to school by helping to pay your fees!”
“That’s a one-time thing—not a lifetime obligation for you to give free time and labor every time someone has a gathering.”
“Find out exactly how much each person contributed to your schooling and pay them back.”
“Then your debt to them is repaid and they will have no reason to expect you to continuously repay their contribution by free labor forever, and the same goes for anyone else who contributed to your schooling.”
“Then no one will be able to bully you into giving free services since you won’t owe them anything.” ~ beejaye11
“NTA. Now if you WANT to be a little bit of an @ss, work out exactly what is involved with catering to 50+ people.”
“How much it will cost to rent a kitchen to prepare that much food?”
“Storage of the food in a safe manner, transport from kitchen to venue, set up and take down for serving at the venue, clean up of kitchen and dishes, costs of ingredients, and staffing to serve 50+ people.”
“Write it down.”
“Include the line for your actual time involved (should be 10’s of hours), but annotate this is ‘Gifted.'”
“Start showing anyone who asks just how much they are asking for.”
“BE CLEAR you will cook, but you can’t afford as much as they are asking for.”
“Also, be clear that ‘Can’t just use auntie’s kitchen as it is too small and lacks resources.'”
“THEN belabor that ‘I really wish Auntie would step up and help for the cousin’ and ‘I really wish Auntie wasn’t so selfish.'”
“I am guessing, if the venue itself isn’t set up for this, you’re looking at 1 to 2 month’s salary to cover for this little request.” ~ HMS_Slartibartfast
“NTA- pay them back or this behavior will continue.”
“You can either start giving them cash or do a few events, tally up for fee for your labor, and deduct it from what they invested.”
“They should have been upfront about feeling entitled to free labor as reimbursement.” ~ InternationalOil540
“NTA – offer them a discount of what you’d normally charge.”
“Cooking and catering for 50+ people is a HUGE task.”
“Doing that for free? Zero chance.”
“Your aunt is delusional.” ~ ChiWhiteSox24
“NTA. Find out how much she spent/invested in you, and get a loan for that amount.”
“Do the same for the others.”
“But one at a time.”
“Keep the receipts, in case they are petty, and say you didn’t pay them back.”
“Nip this in the bud, now!”
“Instead of when you have kids who will have to hear about this from their cousins all the time.” ~ Alfred-Register7379
“NTA, catering for 50 people is a ton of work and expense.”
“But to be clear here, your mom and Aunt do have a hook in you because of their contribution to your education.”
“Since they aren’t being cool about it and actually expect to collect I would hurry to pay them back.”
“Either that or ice out your entire family, but that’s pretty drastic.” ~ jorbojambo_rodditman
“NTA. Pay them back in money or time, but make sure they know you are clearing the debt that way, then draw a firm line.”
“Your job is not a free chef.” ~ Few_Ad_5752
“How are you selfish?”
“If it’s tit for tat, then you already made up for the money that she spent on your education.”
“If she had any respect for yo,u then she would pay you. NTA.” ~ OliveMammoth6696
“When your mom and aunt contributed to your education, was it ever mentioned that it was a loan?”
“If not, they (the aunt) don’t get to change the agreement now after the fact. NTA.” ~ coxtopeacock2023
“Really? My mom helped me through school, and now I help her with her work, but she pays me 100%.”
“It’s quite a coincidence; before reading this post, my husband was just telling me he is going to pay our son, a financial analyst, to do some work for him.”
“Don’t allow them to use you. NTA.” ~ Kystamark
“NTA, pay back whatever monies were given to help with your training and education and never cook anything for them again.”
“Your family should be ashamed of using the assistance they gave you as a form of blackmail and have no right to try to take advantage of you.” ~ Any_Art_1364
“NTA – the easiest way to shut her up will be to pay her back.”
“You’ve already done a bunch of free labor, consider that her ‘dividends’ and the cash will be returning her original ‘investment.'”
“With that, you can then explain that you would be happy to help out now and then when you have the time, but you expect to be asked, not assumed.” ~ IntrospectiveOwlbear
“NTA. Stand your ground.”
“You are NOT the FREE caterer.”
“You went to school to earn a living.”
“They are being UNREASONABLE.” ~ Initial_Potato5023
“NTA. If they care about you and benefit from your skills, then they will acknowledge your worth by paying you.”
“Their decision to assist you wasn’t preceded by conditions that you become their personal chef.”
“You owe them nothing.” ~ Cautious_c
“NTA. Unless they told you BEFORE you accepted their help that you would have to work for them for free, and you agreed to that, they can’t make up that condition now.”
“The help you’ve been contributing is how you repay the favor.”
“It’s completely ridiculous for them to think you’d do a chef’s work and not get paid.”
“There is a big difference between helping out at small informal gatherings and doing professional work at high-demand events.” ~ Deep-Okra1461
“NTA. Pay her and your mom back as soon as you can, and if they get mad, oh well.”
“You aren’t an indentured servant.”
“I’m dying to know if she expected you to go out of pocket for the ingredients as well.”
“The private chefs she tried to hire would have included supplies on top of labor, and most work for between $25/$30 an hour.”
“Cooking for 50+ is a minimum 2-day chore, and that’s assuming her kitchen can accommodate bulk and that you’re a really fast shopper.”
“She’s crazy entitled to demand this.” ~ murdocjones
This is outrageous, OP.
Reddit has your back.
Your aunt and certain members of your family are out of line.
A small family gathering for free is one thing; a big event is another.
And like some suggested, you may just want to get a loan to pay her back or find a way to deduct parties like this from her original investment in your skills.
Good luck.