When parents first sign their child up for daycare or preschool, they might be surprised by all the items they need to bring to help the school care for their child.
From baby wipes and tissues and diapers, to spare clothes, to art supplies, and sometimes even snacks, these sometimes lengthy lists of items help daycare centers and preschool classrooms guarantee that all of their children will have everything they need, agreed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
But an important point about this is that each child has their own items. If another child runs out, it's their parents' responsibility to replenish their supplies, not another child's.
Redditor feelingstruck's daughter started at preschool, and they provided everything for their daughter that she needed, including spare clothes, wipes, and other supplies.
When their daughter came home with fewer clothes than they sent her with, and one of her classmates had an outfit that was mysteriously familiar, the Original Poster (OP) was frustrated that the teacher may have shared their daughter's clothes with another child.
They asked the sub:
"Would I be the a**hole if I asked my daughter's preschool teacher not to put the extra clothes that I sent for her on other students?"
The OP thoroughly prepared their daughter for her first day of preschool.
"My daughter started school last Wednesday, and the teacher asked us to send pull-ups, wipes, and a change of clothes for her."
"I sent quite a few pull-ups and a brand new pack of wipes, and a spare outfit as requested."
The OP was concerned when their daughter came home.
"Only the bottoms for her outfit came back, and I saw another student from her class, wearing her shirt when I went to pick her up."
"Now, I don't mind if the teacher needs to use some of my daughter's pull-ups for the other kids, or even some of her wipes. I'll send extra of those things if needed because I understand what it's like to be the parent who can't provide that."
"However, when it comes to her clothes, I'm not okay with sharing."
"For starters, if they get sent home on a kid (like the shirt did), then there's a chance that the school won't get it back, and clothes are really expensive, and I can't afford to replace them like that."
"It all pretty much boils down to the fact that my daughter doesn't really have that many clothes to begin with, so I can't really afford for them to get ruined, or for them not to get sent back."
The OP considered talking to their daughter's teacher about it.
"I'm just curious if it would make me the a**hole if I talk to her teacher the next day that she goes to school, and tell her that I'm not comfortable with her using her clothes for other children."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
A few Redditors pointed out that the t-shirt might have been a coincidence.
"Be sure this is what happened before you bring in the manager! Is it possible that another kid had the same shirt and your daughter's is still waiting for her somewhere?"
"At our preschool, every kid has a bag with their clean clothes, but also a basket for their stuff, like pacifiers or drawings. Sometimes clothes stay in that basket for ages before I suddenly get them back."
"If you're not sure, ask the teacher first in a non-confrontational way where the shirt you sent is." - Quadrantje
"I will say, it's not out of the realm of possibility that two children had the same shirt, especially if it was a newish shirt from a big box store. Remember, everyone's going to be buying from the same places, so it's very likely you will see multiple kids with the same outfit." - TheBlueMeance
"NTA. Depending on how you approach it."
"I'd probably say to the teacher, 'I noticed that my daughter's clothes weren't all returned in her pack, and that I think I saw her tee on another child.'"
"Ask what happened, as it might have been a genuine mistake that someone grabbed the wrong pack, or that two kids had matching clothes."
"Basically, give them a chance to explain. If they say, yeah, we put whatever clothes on whichever kid, then I'd be asking them not to do that." - Rare_Sugar_7927
"At that age, a lot of kids have the same shirts. So many times I have seen kids wear the same shirt because it's made at Target or Walmart where a lot of parents shop for clothes. Hopefully her daughter's was just misplaced, or there was a misunderstanding." - shortasalways
"Does this other child have a similar name to your child, or are their cubbies beside each other? It could be a simple mix-up. Definitely address it, but maybe go from the assumption of a genuine mistake until shown otherwise."
"My niece had Elsa shoes and got sent home in another girl's Elsa-and-Anna shoes, and my sister didn't even notice until the next day (they were toddlers and putting shoes back on after nap time, the girl on the mat next to her was the same size and also a 'Frozen' fan apparently)." - vicariousgluten
Assuming the OP did see their daughter's shirt on another child, others agreed that the teacher's behavior was inappropriate.
"That is so inappropriate. If the child had no clothes and the school has no backup clothes, they should phone the parent. They definitely shouldn't take another child's clothes."
"What would happen if they gave her clothes away and she had an accident and needed them?" - gc_Bill5049
"OP is NTA. Every school should have an extra set of clothes in the event a parent is unprepared."
"I had a student with a huge nosebleed one time, and she got it all over her dress. We gave her an oversized school shirt that fit like a dress, but it was better than nothing. It was one of those standard shirt blanks schools use with their custom logo on it. Not a uniform per se."
"The expectation was that the parent washes it, and returns it to the school when they're done." - meghan9436
"Every school in our district requests clothing that kids have outgrown, specifically to have a supply at school for anyone who needs it. From a random accident that leaves the clothes dirty to kids who simply don't have enough clothing at home, everyone gets what they need." - curlioier
"One time at my son's old daycare, my wife arrived to find him cold and shivering. She asked the provider why he was so cold, and she said, 'Oh, they were just outside for a while.' My wife asked why he wasn't wearing his jacket, and the provider said it was because another kid who didn't have a jacket was wearing it."
"He's at a MUCH better preschool now." - interface2x
"There are also health concerns like ringworm or some other kind of rash, where you might not even realize the kid has it on the first day it appears. It is absurdly crazy that a teacher would do that unless it was literally a one-time mistake."
"My son got Molluscum Contagiosum from sharing shirts. It's highly contagious and took over a year to clear up." - mlc885
"NTA. It's wildly inappropriate for the school to be giving away your property. If it were me, I'd be raising it with the teacher and the head of the facility. As you say, sharing the pull-ups and wipes is one thing, but clothes are totally another."
"I'm petty, too, so I might be the kind of person who sends spare clothes festooned with my child's name and a massive tag inside saying 'Property of Child's name, if found please return to/please call XXZ.'" - Vequielhellim
"NTA. Maybe there was a mix up, but it should still be addressed. It would have been less awkward if you brought it up immediately, but it's still a valid concern."
"I'd also suggest labeling them from now on just to be safe, maybe even putting them in a zip lock with their name on it as well."
"Personally, I would be upset on either end of the spectrum, losing the clothes and having someone else's child's clothes put on my child, and not knowing what is made of, what detergent was used, if they are even clean, etc." - Galaxy661
"NTA."
"I worked in childcare for 10 years and would never have put clothes from one child on a non-related (direct sibling in the same household) child."
"Speak to the room leader, and speak to someone above. Ask them to contact the family of the child who was wearing your daughter's clothes to be returned." - Vegetable-Stuff1850
Though the subReddit could appreciate the OP's concern, they hoped that the OP would clarify what happened with the teacher before actively confronting them. It could have been a simple mix-up, including assuming that someone else's shirt was actually the daughter's.
That said, if the teacher intentionally gave the daughter's shirt to someone else, then it would be time to talk about boundaries and possible health and income concerns. There were certainly valid reasons for children not to share clothes, if that was in fact what happened.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp