Not everyone deals with annoying kids in public well.
Redditor Reasonable-Onion6764 is the case in point.
While out for dinner he got fed up with a disruptive child and his actions ended up leaving the child in tears.
This led the original poster (OP) to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for advice.
He asked:
"AITA for screaming at a child and making him cry?"
He went on to explain.
"I [male age 21] went to eat with some friends from college to a restaurant that's near the campus."
"The place is not the nicest, but it's better food than McDonald's and we use to go there when we want to have a 'semi special occasion'."
"This time the occasion was that the four of our had passed our exams."
"It was lunch time, the place was not completely full, but full enough. We had bad weather so we stayed inside (everyone did). Most people were adults."
"Then two women (an older one and a middle aged one) came with a baby and a kid around 7/10 years old."
"I was sitting facing the door so I saw them walk in but I didn't think any of it, I'm not someone easily annoyed by kids most times."
"They took a table in a corner. Our table was around the middle of the room."
"We were waiting for our food and chatting. The kid was playing with the baby and they were making a bit of noise, but then again we all were making noise as most of us were accompanied and chatting."
"After our food came in though, the kid started to wander around. He wanted to read a sign near the door, then one near the back."
"After that he wanted to go to bathroom, then he wanted to go outside, etc. It was kinda annoying, but quite easy to just ignore."
"Should I say that neither of the women that were with him did nothing to stop him, not at any time."
"At some point, the kid started to run around while yelling, he was playing to something by himself. He went on and on, and neither of the women did something."
"Other people were looking annoyed too. He even accidentally hit my friend's chair. As we were in the middle table, he started running circles around us."
"By the third time he tried passing next to me I put my arm out to stop him."
"I told him to stop that and to go sit down and wait until he's home to run around because it's inappropriate to bother other people at a public space."
"I also told him I'll have him wait outside alone if he doesn't behaves (which I was obviously not gonna do because I can't basically, it was just to scare him off)."
"I honestly don't know how it came out, in my mind I was quite calm but apparently I was screaming at the kid."
"The kid started to cry and then (I assume) his mom came in and told me off for telling at him and how he's just a kid and was playing and such."
"I told her I wouldn't have had to do anything if she would have told the kid to stay quiet before."
"Some guy from the staff came in and asked what happened. She told him I had yelled at the kid, I told him that yeah I did but calmly explained why I did it."
"He said that we should just let this go for once and that next time the staff will manage the situation before anything happens. The woman was fuming so they left."
"My friends told me I did in fact screamed at the kid but they were annoyed too and said they were about to complain with management over this kid."
"I honestly think that would've been the best idea and now I think that I took the wrong turn here."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"Your friends told you you were screaming at a child and you still don't know if you were an a**hole?"
"You threatened him with being left outside all alone until he cried and you still don't know if you were an a**hole?"
"Unbelievable, dude. YTA. Just complain to the wait staff next time and have them deal with it." - undertherosetrellis
"Op is an AH."
"The kids mum is also an AH"
"Making this ESH" - ThatFatGuyMJL
"As a teacher, not a parent yet. Never threaten a child with something you can't actually follow through on."
"They are smart, they will know, and you will look like a fool with less authority then you had before."
"Also, OP, YATA just tell management. Not your kid and you have no authority in that restaurant. There is no reason a random kid needs to listen to you anyway." - melodybounty
"YTA. If you have a problem with a kid's behavior, you don't start screaming at the kid, you go talk to the adults in charge so they can deal with it."
"By your own friends' admission, you overstepped your bounds in a big way. Learn to control your own behavior before you presume to dictate the same to a child." - morgaine125
"yta"
"'I also told him I'll have him wait outside alone if he doesn't behaves (which I was obviously not gonna do because I can't basically, it was just to scare him off).'"
"this is extreme and very strange scare him off your threatening to punish a child who is not yours" - Born-Teacher-5157
"YTA. You don't discipline, let alone scream at a young child directly. You address any issue to the parents or the staff of the place you are eating."
"You have no idea of that child's history and to threaten to separate him and leave him alone could frighten him in ways you haven't even thought about." - sirandtheirDLW
"Might have to go with YTA."
"While the parent is a bit wrong because they weren't watching their kid. That is irresponsible and inconsiderate to let them run around the place disturbing everyone else."
"You are TA because of the following:"
"'I put my arm out to stop him'"
"Not your child, you should've gotten staff involved."
"'I also told him I'll have him wait outside alone if he doesn't behaves'"
"Even if this is an empty threat, you have no right to make such threats to someone else's kid. You should've told staff about the situation."
"'In my mind I was quite calm but apparently I was screaming at the kid'"
"So you basically (possibly) traumatized a kid because you don't know how to speak to staff or the mother herself? How did you not realize you was screaming at a child?"
"'He said that we should just let this go for once and that next time the staff will manage the situation before anything happens.'"
"This should've happened in this situation but ya know, you never thought to alert staff about this I guess" - DJ_Too_Supreme
"YTA"
"1. You can't controll yourself but demand self control of a kid"
"2. You were annoyed by a kid reading signs? Really?"
"3. You screamed and threatened a kid"
"4. You can't assume by yourself that YTA."
"Edit: i guess the kid was just bored. I on my part entertain kids for a few minutes or talk to them. I also learned how to make ballon animals and i always have ballons with me."
"Can really recomend that. Kids are happy, parents are relaxed and everyone can have a good time co-excisting. Bc i know what it is like to be stuck in boring enviroments." - ToeliciousKinks
"This is going to sound off, but I think you need to go talk to someone."
"If you sincerely and genuinely thought you were talking to anyone, let alone a child, in a calm manner when you were in fact screaming at them?"
"Something sounds off here."
"It's a YTA from me, because there's a few other things you could have done before touching a child that wasn't yours (arm out to stop him) and yelling at him, but I'm more concerned that you literally didn't recognize you were yelling." - WikkidWitchly
"ESH. I see a lot of YTAs but for me, that's condoning the parent not parenting and letting her kid be disruptive and obnoxious."
"You should have absolutely gone to management and not tried to handle it yourself, though. Screaming wasn't okay." - relinquishing
"Someone's parents never taught them how to regulate their own emotions huh? YTA" - DubiousDandelion
"YTA - This little anger problem is going to land you in jail. Fix it" - AppleNerdyGirl
"How does someone scream and not know it? Did you black out? I mean honestly, that's a bit concerning. YTA" - Specific-Scarcity-82
"ESH. The mom shouldn't have let the child run amok. Ever."
"On the flip side, you shouldn't ever yell at a child (no one likes being screamed at-kids have feelings too) or discipline them without express consent of the parents" - Jesster00420
Hopefully the OP gets his anger issues sorted out before leaving college.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp