Content Warning: Abusive Relationships, Domestic Violence, Age Gap
It’s a common, and often harmful, stereotype that parents will hate every boyfriend or girlfriend who their children date.
But sometimes, there are legitimate reasons to not like a kid’s partner, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Familiar_Form9665 was not a big fan of his adult daughter’s boyfriend, who was significantly older than her.
But when they started having loud sex while the Original Poster (OP) was home, he decided it was time to ban the boyfriend from the house.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for banning my daughter’s boyfriend from coming to my house?”
The OP was skeptical of his daughter’s current boyfriend.
“I’m (50 Male) and a single father. My daughter (18 Female) turned 18 six months ago, graduated from high school, and has been seeing this guy (26 Male) for five months now.”
“I didn’t like him from the start because of the age difference. He’s very rude and arrogant.”
“I can’t physically do anything to him because he’s a big guy. But he has been very disrespectful in my household.”
The OP felt disrespected in his own home.
“He comes whenever he wants, without acknowledging me, and his ‘activities’ with my daughter can be loud sometimes and the walls in my house are thin.”
“As a dad, I hate hearing those noises coming out of her room. I hate not being able to do anything about it even more. It made me not even want him in my house.”
“I told my daughter about it but he’s still coming over.”
The OP set a new boundary for his home, but it backfired.
“So last week, I told my daughter that he’s not allowed at the house anymore.”
“He was p**sed but I don’t care. However, she’s now going to his place and coming home late.”
“She probably knows he’s an a**hole, but she’s young and is still with him.”
“I raised her to be responsible. I am a single dad and I tried my best. I don’t know what went wrong. Deep down I believe that she’s still a good person. I’m still hoping that she will go to college.”
“Did I do the right thing?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was okay to set boundaries within his own home.
“NTA. You can’t do anything about your daughter dating him, but you can do something about what goes on under your roof.” – BeachinLife1
“NTA. You may not have a say in who your daughter chooses to date, but you absolutely have the right to decide what behavior is acceptable in your own home. Setting boundaries is important.” – ThrowRA_ashh
“He’s disrespectful now, and it will likely get worse if they get married, if marriage were to eventually be on the table. So, you are NTA for setting respect and boundaries to your house.” – Lanky-Mention-2192
“You’re in the right. It’s your home and you should feel comfortable. Setting boundaries with respect is important, especially if someone’s being disrespectful.” – WhiteCasserole
“You have no control over your daughter dating him, but you do have control over what occurs in your home. NTA.” – xsunshinebabex
“You can ask her questions if you have a good relationship. Take her out to lunch or go for a walk and tell her that you love her and will accept her relationship and that your house has rules.”
“Then ask her what her goals are, what she loves about her boyfriend, what she likes about his family, does he love his job, what type of job she wants, what has been her favorite moment with him, and what she thinks about his friends. This might help her open her eyes to something she wasn’t seeing before.”
“It sometimes helps because he can be encouraging, supporting, and get her to think all at the same time. This is part of the reason I dumped one of my boyfriends. I found out later that my dad did not like him.” – Suitable_Doubt7359
“In my own limited experience with my sister, she’ll probably grow out of it.”
“The only additional advice I’d give to OP is to be careful how much he pushes the daughter to leave him and makes his displeasure known. This can trigger a defiant streak in a teenager that’ll make her stay with the guy even once she figures out he’s not good for her just to defy her dad, prove she’s not a kid anymore, and can make her own choices, etc.”
“It’s a delicate needle to thread sometimes. The OP’s NTA either way.” – Rus_Shackleford_
Others thought the OP’s daughter was being just as disrespectful as her boyfriend.
“NTA, and any f**ker that is disrespectful enough to hunch my daughter while I’m home and be LOUD about it? Get the f**k out. Trash.” – Enammaberd
“The daughter is really wrong for doing it, as well. Yeah, she’s a teen, the brain isn’t fully developed blah blah blah. I remember being in junior high and thinking underage people who dated adults were morons, lol (laughing out loud).”
“The boyfriend is way worse, but the daughter sounds like a trashy a**hole herself.” – FartAttack911
“I could NEVER do activities while my freakin’ DAD was in the house… like, full body ICK.”
“Even after I was married and we’d stay with my folks, fun times never occurred while the parentals were present or awake. And never loudly, ew.” – JanerNaner13
“The daughter is f**king stupid. Unfortunately, he can’t do anything about that, either.”
“Teenagers are dinguses in general, hence the term sophomore meaning ‘wise fool.’ You think you know everything at that age, but are in actuality quite naive due to lack of experience and mature frontal lobe development.”
“Younger people are especially susceptible to manipulation. That’s why many older people (predominantly men, like OP’s daughter’s boyfriend) pursue younger partners. For control.”
“NTA, OP. Hopefully your daughter will wake up and be NTA at some point, too.” – VividAd3415
“That age gap and how soon he started dating her after she turned 18 has me really worried about abuse, OP.”
“NTA, but make sure your daughter KNOWS that she can rely on you, even if you don’t like her boyfriend. Assure her that she will always be welcome at home.”
“Older predators (and I suspect that is what we have going on here) will try and isolate the victim. He’ll start saying things like, ‘Well, since you’ve disobeyed him and left home for me and abandoned family, you have to stay with me, because they won’t take you back.’ You need to make SURE she knows that isn’t the case.”
“She’s making a big mistake right now, but that doesn’t mean she will forever.” – BothReading1229
“Yikes. He is a predator and he will try to isolate your daughter from you. You might hate him, but I wouldn’t do anything that would damage her trust in you.”
“If you can stomach it, offer to have him go to a restaurant, the three of you, and try to pretend at least to do some bonding or trying to rectify the situation a bit.”
“I get not wanting him in your home, but if she’s not going to see him there, he’s going out to his house or other places to see him. It’s a good sign she’s still coming home, but who knows when that could change.” – ParanoidWalnut
“Help set up a doctor appointment for her to talk to a professional about birth control.”
“Make sure she knows that the loud sex was disrespectful to you, that her bf is rude, and that she is always welcome in your home and has a place with you. Talk to her about how you’re concerned that he will emotionally abuse her and isolate her from her friends and family. That she’s always welcome to speak to you.”
“Start having dinner with her as often as possible. Without him. At home.” – Alternative-Number34
“NTA, I don’t know if you talked about contraceptives, etc., but make sure she is on them. The last thing she or any of you need is for him to always be connected by a baby when she wises up.”
“As someone who has been in a controlling relationship in the past, my sister helped me wise up. She told me it was up to me to accept that behavior. I think the best thing you can do is not bash him to her. You can give logical reasons as to why you feel he disrespects your home and is not welcome. It’s not acceptable behavior by a guest who wishes to return.”
“Be loving and compassionate about it. Tell her you love her and you would wish for more for herself, but you understand she is a grown woman who can make up her own mind about how she would like to be treated and what her own boundaries are. Then discuss what you may have been able to do better to have displayed respect and love to her mother and how you may regret any shortcomings and that you are sorry if it sent the wrong message.”
“You can also let her know, as a sexually active woman, even with birth control, accidents happen and if he is the type of man she wants her potential daughter to go for when she grows up and be treated like by a man or her son to be. She is choosing a man to be the standard of character for her children.”
“These are the sorts of things she needs to consider as a woman. She may be stuck on him being the best man ever but those thoughts will sink in. I hope it’s not too late when it sinks in.” – Far_Negotiation_8693
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset and was shocked that his daughter was okay with being so disrespectful to her father for the sake of a relationship.
Hopefully, the OP will be able to strike a balance with his daughter so that she’ll still feel supported by him while dating this guy rather than feeling driven out by her boyfriend’s ban.