Content Warning: Abusive Relationships, Domestic Violence, Age Gap
It's a common, and often harmful, stereotype that parents will hate every boyfriend or girlfriend who their children date.
But sometimes, there are legitimate reasons to not like a kid's partner, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Familiar_Form9665 was not a big fan of his adult daughter's boyfriend, who was significantly older than her.
But when they started having loud sex while the Original Poster (OP) was home, he decided it was time to ban the boyfriend from the house.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for banning my daughter's boyfriend from coming to my house?"
The OP was skeptical of his daughter's current boyfriend.
"I'm (50 Male) and a single father. My daughter (18 Female) turned 18 six months ago, graduated from high school, and has been seeing this guy (26 Male) for five months now."
"I didn't like him from the start because of the age difference. He's very rude and arrogant."
"I can't physically do anything to him because he's a big guy. But he has been very disrespectful in my household."
The OP felt disrespected in his own home.
"He comes whenever he wants, without acknowledging me, and his 'activities' with my daughter can be loud sometimes and the walls in my house are thin."
"As a dad, I hate hearing those noises coming out of her room. I hate not being able to do anything about it even more. It made me not even want him in my house."
"I told my daughter about it but he's still coming over."
The OP set a new boundary for his home, but it backfired.
"So last week, I told my daughter that he's not allowed at the house anymore."
"He was p**sed but I don't care. However, she's now going to his place and coming home late."
"She probably knows he's an a**hole, but she's young and is still with him."
"I raised her to be responsible. I am a single dad and I tried my best. I don't know what went wrong. Deep down I believe that she's still a good person. I'm still hoping that she will go to college."
"Did I do the right thing?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was okay to set boundaries within his own home.
"NTA. You can't do anything about your daughter dating him, but you can do something about what goes on under your roof." - BeachinLife1
"NTA. You may not have a say in who your daughter chooses to date, but you absolutely have the right to decide what behavior is acceptable in your own home. Setting boundaries is important." - ThrowRA_ashh
"He's disrespectful now, and it will likely get worse if they get married, if marriage were to eventually be on the table. So, you are NTA for setting respect and boundaries to your house." - Lanky-Mention-2192
"You're in the right. It's your home and you should feel comfortable. Setting boundaries with respect is important, especially if someone's being disrespectful." - WhiteCasserole
"You have no control over your daughter dating him, but you do have control over what occurs in your home. NTA." - xsunshinebabex
"You can ask her questions if you have a good relationship. Take her out to lunch or go for a walk and tell her that you love her and will accept her relationship and that your house has rules."
"Then ask her what her goals are, what she loves about her boyfriend, what she likes about his family, does he love his job, what type of job she wants, what has been her favorite moment with him, and what she thinks about his friends. This might help her open her eyes to something she wasn't seeing before."
"It sometimes helps because he can be encouraging, supporting, and get her to think all at the same time. This is part of the reason I dumped one of my boyfriends. I found out later that my dad did not like him." - Suitable_Doubt7359
"In my own limited experience with my sister, she'll probably grow out of it."
"The only additional advice I'd give to OP is to be careful how much he pushes the daughter to leave him and makes his displeasure known. This can trigger a defiant streak in a teenager that'll make her stay with the guy even once she figures out he's not good for her just to defy her dad, prove she's not a kid anymore, and can make her own choices, etc."
"It's a delicate needle to thread sometimes. The OP's NTA either way." - Rus_Shackleford_
Others thought the OP's daughter was being just as disrespectful as her boyfriend.
"NTA, and any f**ker that is disrespectful enough to hunch my daughter while I'm home and be LOUD about it? Get the f**k out. Trash." - Enammaberd
"The daughter is really wrong for doing it, as well. Yeah, she's a teen, the brain isn't fully developed blah blah blah. I remember being in junior high and thinking underage people who dated adults were morons, lol (laughing out loud)."
"The boyfriend is way worse, but the daughter sounds like a trashy a**hole herself." - FartAttack911
"I could NEVER do activities while my freakin' DAD was in the house... like, full body ICK."
"Even after I was married and we'd stay with my folks, fun times never occurred while the parentals were present or awake. And never loudly, ew." - JanerNaner13
"The daughter is f**king stupid. Unfortunately, he can't do anything about that, either."
"Teenagers are dinguses in general, hence the term sophomore meaning 'wise fool.' You think you know everything at that age, but are in actuality quite naive due to lack of experience and mature frontal lobe development."
"Younger people are especially susceptible to manipulation. That's why many older people (predominantly men, like OP's daughter's boyfriend) pursue younger partners. For control."
"NTA, OP. Hopefully your daughter will wake up and be NTA at some point, too." - VividAd3415
"That age gap and how soon he started dating her after she turned 18 has me really worried about abuse, OP."
"NTA, but make sure your daughter KNOWS that she can rely on you, even if you don't like her boyfriend. Assure her that she will always be welcome at home."
"Older predators (and I suspect that is what we have going on here) will try and isolate the victim. He'll start saying things like, 'Well, since you've disobeyed him and left home for me and abandoned family, you have to stay with me, because they won't take you back.' You need to make SURE she knows that isn't the case."
"She's making a big mistake right now, but that doesn't mean she will forever." - BothReading1229
"Yikes. He is a predator and he will try to isolate your daughter from you. You might hate him, but I wouldn't do anything that would damage her trust in you."
"If you can stomach it, offer to have him go to a restaurant, the three of you, and try to pretend at least to do some bonding or trying to rectify the situation a bit."
"I get not wanting him in your home, but if she's not going to see him there, he's going out to his house or other places to see him. It's a good sign she's still coming home, but who knows when that could change." - ParanoidWalnut
"Help set up a doctor appointment for her to talk to a professional about birth control."
"Make sure she knows that the loud sex was disrespectful to you, that her bf is rude, and that she is always welcome in your home and has a place with you. Talk to her about how you're concerned that he will emotionally abuse her and isolate her from her friends and family. That she's always welcome to speak to you."
"Start having dinner with her as often as possible. Without him. At home." - Alternative-Number34
"NTA, I don't know if you talked about contraceptives, etc., but make sure she is on them. The last thing she or any of you need is for him to always be connected by a baby when she wises up."
"As someone who has been in a controlling relationship in the past, my sister helped me wise up. She told me it was up to me to accept that behavior. I think the best thing you can do is not bash him to her. You can give logical reasons as to why you feel he disrespects your home and is not welcome. It's not acceptable behavior by a guest who wishes to return."
"Be loving and compassionate about it. Tell her you love her and you would wish for more for herself, but you understand she is a grown woman who can make up her own mind about how she would like to be treated and what her own boundaries are. Then discuss what you may have been able to do better to have displayed respect and love to her mother and how you may regret any shortcomings and that you are sorry if it sent the wrong message."
"You can also let her know, as a sexually active woman, even with birth control, accidents happen and if he is the type of man she wants her potential daughter to go for when she grows up and be treated like by a man or her son to be. She is choosing a man to be the standard of character for her children."
"These are the sorts of things she needs to consider as a woman. She may be stuck on him being the best man ever but those thoughts will sink in. I hope it's not too late when it sinks in." - Far_Negotiation_8693
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset and was shocked that his daughter was okay with being so disrespectful to her father for the sake of a relationship.
Hopefully, the OP will be able to strike a balance with his daughter so that she'll still feel supported by him while dating this guy rather than feeling driven out by her boyfriend's ban.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp