While it may not be immediately obvious, parents who treat their kids like adults too early can severely impact their psychological and emotional growth.
Those who wind up having to parent their younger siblings often find themselves not wanting to have their own children when they're all grown up, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No_Decision_913 loved her boyfriend and clearly communicated with him what her relationship with his two children from a previous relationship would be.
But when he dramatically crossed that line, the Original Poster (OP) realized their relationship wasn't meant to be.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for leaving my boyfriend when his ex died, leaving him to take care of his kids full-time?"
The OP and her boyfriend agreed about her role in his kids' lives.
"I (26 Female) have been with my boyfriend (30 Male) for two years now."
"He has two kids (6 Male and 4 Female) with his ex-girlfriend. She moved to another state with the kids to be near her family when they broke up three years ago. He got them on vacations only."
"I knew all this when I started dating him. I had no issue with this but told him up front that I couldn't be a parent."
"I was parentified by my mom and raised my five younger siblings. The oldest of them is six years younger than me, and I had to change his diapers and feed him formula when I was just six. I went low contact with my family went I left home at 18."
"I can't imagine doing that again."
"He was also snipped (had a vasectomy) after his last kid and didn't want more kids."
"He was fine with me not wanting to be a parent and just be a bonus adult. We were taking it slow and I didn't even meet his kids until a few months back. We took a trip together and got along great."
But their lives changed dramatically when the OP's boyfriend's ex-girlfriend passed away.
"Things changed two months ago when his ex died. His kids were really crushed as they moved into his house."
"We were not living together but he asked if I could move in to help him out, just for a while."
"I couldn't refuse and stayed. But I started hating it again. I hated how clingy the kids became and how much responsibility I had."
"I did my best, but my mental health started getting worse every day. I didn't even get help from my boyfriend because he was struggling too."
"Last week was especially bad since the younger kid had a cold and wanted me to nurse her back to health exactly as her mom would have. The soup wasn't the same, the song and story weren't told in the same way, and I didn't hug her the way her mom did, etc., were some of the long list of complaints."
"I know she is grieving but I was already working from home and stressed too."
The OP realized that exactly what she had feared was coming true.
"When I told my boyfriend he should take over, he said they need me more since I am a mom."
"It triggered me. I didn't want to be held to a mom's responsibilities again. I told him I can't do this."
"He said I needed to stop acting like a child and step up."
"I understood if I stayed, my whole life would be like this. Never measuring up. Never being enough. And all the responsibilities of a mom."
"I left yesterday and moved in with a friend."
"My boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) is blasting my phone, calling me an AH."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her boyfriend never should have told her to "step up."
"I was on the fence until he told her to step up. She isn't their mom. She isn't even his wife. She isn't even a particularly long-term girlfriend. He was already asking a lot of her."
"Everyone in this story is struggling, but OP made clear she didn't want to be a parent. She knew her limits and expressed them clearly. She already went well beyond them to help."
"Definitely NTA." - samanime
"OP, you did more than enough, and him telling you they needed you because you were 'mom' instead of stepping up... that's an AH move."
"When paired with your history (which he knew), it's just a massive AH move, AND a stupid one at that, because it's a no brainer he needed to take care of you or lose you."
"NTA."
"Just block him, and if anyone asks, tell them you had to step away because the kids needed their father, and with you there, he was using you as a crutch to avoid stepping up." - tinaciv
"They aren't even married! They were not living together! She had barely even met the kids!"
"OP's relationship had an expiration date the moment the kid's mom died. But she was kind and pitched in to help out temporarily anyway. Living together was only supposed to be temporary."
"Dating is an audition for a more serious commitment. Even if they had been living together when mom died, these kids aren't her responsibility. Your ex-boyfriend just failed his audition." - AnnaBanana3468
"That sentence in OP's post when he told her to step up, Jes*s F**king Ch***t... I get that he's under a lot of stress, but what a way to ask someone who doesn't even live with you yet to essentially become your wife."
"If this is his idea of a good sales speech, just imagine how much worse things are when OP cannot just immediately ghost him if necessary." - Retrohanska94
Others said the kids needed their dad right now, not for the OP to be forced into a mom role.
"Sounds like OP's ex-bf is projecting onto OP instead of 'stepping up' himself."
"OP, NTA, you sound like a very empathetic person. You recognized the kids are grieving and you are right. They need their dad right now, not a substitute mother."
"Good for you for setting your boundaries. It sucks for the kids because it sounds like their dad is seriously dropping the ball, but that's not on you nor is it your responsibility. And you're not married! You didn't sign up for this." - oOoBeckaoOo
"It's not as obvious as one would hope, but I would argue the having two kids of whom he did not have any custody is something of a warning sign. Asking his traumatized girlfriend to move in to 'help out' with parenting even though they had not hit the 'move in together' stage of their relationship organically was another."
"It would be reasonable to ask her for help, but accelerating the relationship in that way is a push to make her a "replacement mommy.'" - GoGoB***h
"It was the 'you're a mom' part that did it for me. I can understand him asking her to help out. It's a big and sudden change. It's okay to need help. It's okay to not have it figured out."
"But if it were me, the moment OP expressed to me that I needed to take over, I would have gone, 'Oh my god! I'm so sorry If I put too much on you!' Have you ever asked someone to help out and realized you were abusing their generosity? It's a horrifying feeling for a normal person."
"But instead, OP's boyfriend goes, 'Sike! You are their mom now!' What in the actual f**k. Nah, embarrassing and kind of creepy for a grown man to do this." - theredditbandid_
"I feel terrible for these kids, but NTA. As heartbreaking as this all is, this isn't what you signed up for, and you were upfront with him from the beginning about not wanting to be a parent."
"Had you stayed, your mental health would have continued to decline and sooner or later the kids would have picked up on the resentment you would undoubtedly feel. Kids don't deserve that and neither do you." - Glittering_Sunshine117
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a lengthy update.
"The last few days were chaotic and full of confusion, to say the least. I didn't answer a lot of questions and I am sorry to all of you for that. I was not in the right state of mind and was overwhelmed by all the replies. As is human nature, all the reasons I was an AH and cold-hearted b***h messed with my mind a lot."
"To answer a few questions:"
"I didn't leave without a goodbye. I had told the kids goodbye. I didn't want to cause too much strain and said I was leaving for a while for work. I did just tell my ex I was leaving; I couldn't take another round of 'stop acting like a child' and 'grow up.'"
"I also don't normally work from home. He asked me to stay home with his daughter, stating he doesn't know how to take care of a sick kid. She really was sick at first and I went along with it. But he refused to even help in the evenings."
"Most of your assumptions about him were true in the sense I almost always ended up looking after the kids alone. He rarely did his part. It was either because he was exhausted, he couldn't face them, he didn't know how to deal with their grief, or I did it better. It was not what we agreed upon when I moved in to help. I was supposed to help him, show him the ropes, but I ended up feeling like a single mom."
"As the biological parent, he got custody. His ex's parents said that was for the best since they were already retired. They did not want to raise the kids."
"Anyway, I was able to move back into my earlier apartment. Thankfully, the landlord hadn't rented it to anyone else. I did have a lease, but I did not want to keep paying rent and had come to an agreement with the landlord to sublet the apartment from month to month until I came back. Being back in my space, I feel much more calmer."
The OP also had an important follow-up conversation with her ex-boyfriend.
"I also met with my ex. After the initial blasting, he called me yesterday asking if we could meet. I wanted to get more clarity too and agreed. He came over (finally got a babysitter) and we had a good talk."
"He apologized for everything he said and demanded I do. He said it was a big unexpected change for him too. He was scared and didn't know how to raise them, being a vacation dad. Having children home every day and thinking this was how it will be for the rest of his life (his words) terrified him."
"I said I understood. But I cannot be a mom to those kids. I cannot take up his responsibilities. I want to help, but not in that capacity. I needed boundaries."
"He said he expected as much. He agrees he should never have asked so much of me. He asked if I could help him, still, and said that the kids missed me and asked when I would be back. He needed me."
"I refused. I told him I would help him. I would come around from time to time, when I can. As a friend of a dad's would. But I won't move back in. I won't be a stepmom."
The OP felt incredibly conflicted.
"He asked if I was breaking up with him. The truth is I don't know. I do love him, but it won't work out in the long term. And everything he did and said is still raw in my mind. I said as much to him."
"I can't be in a committed relationship with him. I won't go anywhere, I will help and support as much as I can, but as a friend. I guess we are ending that relationship."
"I met with the kids this morning. I went over there with some pancakes. They asked when I was coming back to live with them. I told them I have my own home to take care of but I will visit them when I can."
"While surprised, they seemed to accept the situation. They had questions of course, but accepted I would just be their Daddy's friend."
"His daughter asked if I could still be her best friend. I agreed. I guess that won't be too hard. She gave me a hug before he took them to school and daycare. I actually feel so much better too. This was a role I could deal with."
"I don't know if it's the right way. I hope it works. Thank you for all your replies and guidance."
The subReddit was in full support of the OP leaving the relationship behind after her boyfriend disregarded her needs and boundaries, and they would likely be relieved to see the OP's update about continuing to live in the relationship in its current capacity.
While it's perfectly okay to help a friend, helping someone shouldn't come at the expense of your own health, mental health, and happiness.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp