As kids become teenagers and puberty starts to set in, parents are bound to have some uncomfortable conversations with their children while teaching them how to take proper care of themselves.
If not phrased carefully, advice can quickly begin to sound like shaming, advised the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted his account, realized that his daughter thought he was period-shaming her when he tried to talk to her about the messes he'd found around the house.
When several family members also accused him of being too hard on her, the Original Poster (OP) wondered how else he could explain personal hygiene to her.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for 'period-shaming' my daughter?"
The OP tried to be prepared for when his daughter started her period.
"I'm a (41 Male) single dad with a 13-year-old daughter named Lacey. My wife died in childbirth and it's just been me and Lacey all her life."
"My sister has been a big help in raising Lacey, and we do keep in contact with her maternal grandparents."
"The issue started a couple of months ago when Lacey started her period. I knew this day would come, so I spoke to my sister, my female best friend, and my mother-in-law to be well prepared."
"I gave her the talk with her grandmother and aunt there, I buy her pads and tampons, and I even have Midol and heating pads ready for Lacey when she needs them."
The OP observed his daughter struggling with her personal hygiene.
"The problem began when I began to notice a smell coming from Lacey's room."
"I went in to investigate and found pads and tampons openly disposed of in her wastebasket."
"I checked her bathroom and it was worse. She had her bloodstained undergarments in the tub."
"I took out her trash and did my best to get rid of the smell, but I didn't know what to do with the underwear in the tub."
"Later, I noticed bloodstains on the couch. It took a while of cleaning but I got them out. I figured that was the end of that."
But the problem continued the next month.
"It happened again last month when I noticed Lacey's room was stinking again."
"And I saw she didn't even wash the underwear from before. The bathroom was unbearable at this point. Then earlier this week, I saw bloodstains on the couch again."
"I sat Lacey down and told her that she had to learn to properly dispose of her feminine hygiene products and wash her underwear as the smell was becoming too much. And to be careful of getting bloodstains on the couch or anywhere she sits."
"I also noticed her sheets had a lot of bloodstains and brought this up too. I also told her that it was okay to get blood on things as long as she washed them, and I wouldn't be upset if I saw her bloodstained items being washed."
The OP's daughter did not take the advice well.
"Lacey immediately blew up at me, saying that periods aren't gross, that I was period shaming, and that I needed to educate myself on menstruation."
"I then got texts from my sister and MIL, scolding me for making Lacey feel ashamed of her bodily functions."
"But I honestly wasn't trying to convey that periods are gross. I was trying to convey that her hygiene needed to be addressed and that the smell was becoming unbearable."
"I just wanted to make sure that Lacey knew how to properly dispose of pads and tampons without them smelling, and that I wouldn't be annoyed if she washed her bloodstained items."
"AITA here? Was I period-shaming my daughter?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some encouraged the OP to keep doing what he was doing to help his daughter.
"NTA."
"Periods aren't gross. Getting your period blood all over the place is. She needs to learn basic period hygiene now or she will deeply regret it later in life."
"You're a great father, OP. But maybe consider having her see a therapist or someone more qualified to deal with why she is reacting this way." - edengonedark
"As a woman and a mom (granted to a son but he's still gonna learn about periods cause I have them), you're trying your best and you're doing great."
"Maybe have the women in her life talk to her about proper hygiene, because if she is heavily bleeding or not taking care of herself correctly, it can cause issues that she doesn't need for only being 13. Keep trying your best!" - welpokayhere
"You're not a bad parent. You're doing plenty to help your daughter. What you did isn't period shaming, it's teaching her basic hygiene. And if you didn't do it gently now, her future boyfriends/girlfriends are definitely going to do it later, and they might well do it in a nasty way. NTA."
"And if it's any consolation, it doesn't take a mother and a father figure to be good enough as a parent. I was raised pretty much single-handedly by my dad after 15, and my boyfriend was raised by a single mom, and we love them to pieces, they're good enough and more."
"Don't worry so much; just be there for your kid, and she too will grow out of that tween funk where your parents 'suck,' just like the rest of us!" - IntrepidNectarine8
"I just want to say I think you're doing a wonderful job. My only suggestion, and this is in no way a critique, is maybe to help her wash the sheets? At 13, I was doing my own laundry and everything, but sometimes things can get overwhelming, and this is something you could do to help."
"She doesn't seem to be handling this well emotionally, so maybe removing to-dos from her list every month could help. But NTA!" - Carinthehat5879
"You weren't overreacting in any way, but... maybe in this phase of her development, a small white lie like, 'Honey, l know l was way too harsh, l was the a**hole to you, sorry, blah blah blah,' might help. I'm not saying this should be a general strategy but this special case calls for special treatments."
"First periods are embarrassing, that's it, we're 13, puberty, hormones, f**king bleeding... and your daughter can't share this with her mom. Your daughter's reaction was objectively wrong but so understandable from her point of view."
"She's scared because it's a life milestone, and embarrassed because she's just realized there are bodily functions she can't control."
"In my country, when a girl gets her first period, it's an unwritten rule that parent/parents/aunties take her for clothes shopping so that she could pick up some clothes to enjoy, and we usually 'accidentally' happen to purchase a set of 'period underwear'... and it ends with getting a pizza or having any kind of fun that the daughter might enjoy."
"It is possible she might not want to do that with you, but your sister. If so, let it happen." - panlevap
Others agreed and gave the OP advice for other ways to help during periods.
"Not every pad and tampon will work the same for the same people. You may need to have a discussion with her or have someone around you discuss that with her, etc."
"There is such a variety, I'm not sure what you might've gotten her, but if you haven't gotten her 'nighttime pads' and only panty liners, that could be part of the reason she seems to 'leak' everywhere."
"It is a trial and error thing, just remember to be nice about it because I'm sure she feels awkward, but it seems like you're trying your best, so good job!"
"Also, definitely NTA. You weren't shaming, you were just trying to help her be... clean." - sleeping-slugs
"'Alternative' is the heavy flow THINX undies that she can wear overnight. They're pricey but honestly, you'd be helping her a lot." - bobainwonderland
"You also could take her to see her regular doctor. If she's not comfortable talking to her pediatrician about this, you could transition her to an adolescent medicine specialist. I have a friend in that specialty, and as she described it, 'I talk about periods a lot.'" - JenUsesTheInternet
"For future reference, a peri bottle (bought on Amazon) or a small spray bottle with 2/3 hydrogen peroxide, 1/3 BLUE dawn dish soap will take out any stain from anything, I have found. Grease spots, blood, and carpet stains, just test a patch first."
"I like the peri bottle because you can squirt with it but it doesn't make a mess like a regular squeeze bottle."
"Also, I am going to get some of those period panties for my 9-year-old just to have in her drawer for when it is time. I use a cup, but these seem to have come a long way!" - HonPhryneFisher
"Oxiclean is also fantastic for getting blood out. I've got the spray version (stain remover for clothes and non-clothes) and it gets blood out every time, even a few days old."
"Also, NEVER rinse blood-soaked items with hot water. Always use cold!"
"Another thing I do as well on top of the period panties, if I'm sitting on something (especially since I use menstrual cups), I'll put a fleece blanket underneath me. I'll fold it over too so it's a little thicker. I'd rather leak on the fleece blanket as it's easier to get out in comparison to say a couch or a bed." - pycheko
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a few positive updates.
"I talked to my sister and mil and explained my side. They apologized for the misunderstanding and like you guys, have given some good cleaning tips, and they'll talk to Lacey and help her out with the pads and tampons too."
"So many people here have suggested it and I've asked Lacey if her period pain is unbearable or just normal cramps and left the choice to her as to whether or not she wants to see a specialist but the option is there for her!"
"We also have washed the sheets with hydrogen peroxide and purchased some Oxiclean for future instances should we need it."
"Many of you have also suggested period underwear, which again, I have asked her aunt and grandmother about and they'll be able to give her more info about those as well as different hygiene products she can use."
Though the OP's initial conversation didn't go as well as planned, the subReddit knew that he had the best intentions, and his family was able to help him best serve his daughter during this difficult transition.
While it can be hard to learn something new like this, it's wonderful to hear that the OP and his daughter have this support system backing them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp