Children’s needs come first. Before their parents, before their step or foster parents, before their aunts and uncles, when a child needs care to keep them healthy, warm, safe and fed it takes priority over personal comfort.
Or it should…
When adults get tired, are heavily pregnant, or have other issues going on it might not always be easy. But the fact remains the adult is responsible.
One dad throwaway3675543 turned to the AITA (”Am I The A**hole”) subReddit for opinions on a personal situation after his pregnant fiancee requested he stop caring for his young son’s nighttime needs.
“AITA For calling my fiancee selfish for not wanting me to check on my son at night?”
The OP (Original Poster) explained the nighttime dilemma.
“My late wife passed away when our son was only one year old. I struggled a lot with being a single parent and didn’t receive any kind of help from anybody.”
“Right now my fiancee and I are expecting, she’s 5 months in. I handle waking up at night to take care of my 4yo who has been sick for a month and needs assistance like giving him meds and changing his diaper.”
“My fiancee said she was becoming annoyed by me getting out of bed once or twice a night and causing her to wake up and lose sleep. She kept complaining about it which was strange.”
“I suggested we bring my son to sleep in our room but she said no. I then suggested I go sleep with him so I won’t disrubt her sleep but she complained about not being able to sleep without me.”
“Few nights ago she saw me get up at 3am and got upset that I did it again. I was getting irritated, she suggested I get a nanny but that doesn’t seem right. She asked if me waking her up constantly felt right and I should stop.”
“I snapped and called her selfish because she was basically preventing me from properly caring for my son. She said that the one she’s carrying is my son too and I was the selfish one here and already have a favorite.”
“I replied that my son needs me to check on him and really there’s nothing wrong with that so I took my stuff to go sleep in my son’s room. She stayed up all night til the morning and threw a fit about how I was basically mistreating her and neglecting her comfort.”
“She went to her mom then her mom and I had a long conversation on the phone and she said her daughter is hormonal and that’s why she’s becoming too sensitive and unbearable and I should just be patient with her. Then suggested that my son spends nights with her if that is going to solve the issue.”
“I asked if she seriously thought it was a good idea to have my sick child spend the night away from me. I know I won’t be sleeping thinking about him.”
“She asked me to ignore the problem then and not hold my fiancee acountable or else the stress will have her go into [labor] early l but I can’t fix it if I keep ignoring it. This has really been an exhausting situation especially since I work long shifts and have little time to rest.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“Wait wait. Your 4 year old needs medication in the middle of the night and your fiancée’s idea for house peace is for… the 4 year old to be neglected?”
“Do I have that right? You’re getting up because there are medical needs? Not just to take a look and ease anxiety?”
”(If) You’re not getting up to make sure your son is still breathing. (If) You’re getting up to tend to the medical requirements of a sick child. (Then) Your fiancée is massively lacking in empathy and that’s really concerning.”
“Now mitigation is a thing – if you’re flipping on the bedroom light and crashing around before you leave the room, if you’re slamming and flopping back down on the bed when you come back in, she could have a valid point.”
“But if this is creeping quietly and darkly through the house to administer the medication on it’s proper schedule you’re NTA.” ~ TimeandEntropy
OP responded to their comment confirming the disturbing facts of how his fiancee is treating his son. OP said:
“Yes. That’s what my fiancee wanted. There’s no misunderstanding like her mom claims.”
“I struggle to get her to see that what she’s asking is impossible because my son needs to be checked on every night. I offered other alternatives but she’s still saying I’m the selfish one.”
The judgements from other Redditors continued to roll in.
“Ya, the whole refusing any reasonable compromise did it for me. What is OP supposed to do?! 4 years old and in diapers is unusual so I suspect it’s linked to the poor little guy being sick.”
“I just feel bad for him, can’t be easy. Going in a month too! I don’t think being hormonal makes you heartless. NTA OP, take care of your little one.” HarnessMeDesignsOUB
“Well, on the upside, I think you’ll win custody of your second son once the divorce is finalized if fiancé thinks small children who need medication should be ignored.”
”Not happy about getting woken up? Sure, fair. Doesn’t want child in her room? Okay, reasonable although you did agree to be his stepmom.”
“Won’t let you sleep with your sick child because then she won’t, I dunno, sleep a foot from you? No. Just no.”
“She’s trying to replace your wife and she’s trying to replace your son with her (and your) child. She knew what she was signing up for if she’s engaged and pregnant by now, so I can only imagine she wants him gone.”
“Red flags. End it, sue for custody” Montback2376
“NTA but you will be the a**hole if you make your son keep living in the same house with this woman. She has decided that she and the child she is carrying are more important than the needs of your older son, her mother is enabling her behavior, and you need to be your son’s advocate because you’re the only one who can.”
“Also, I would not leave her alone with your older son at any point, especially while he’s sick. I don’t think she would actively hurt him, but she would 100% neglect him, and that is still abuse.” vodka_philosophy
“NTA. And I would carefully reconsider if I’d want to be with someone who’d demand something like this of me. If it were my child, I don’t care if my husband or I get sleep as long as they’re cared for.”
“Especially if it’s so serious. And he’d do the same. She’s a big girl who can sleep by her self.”
“I’ve been pregnant, it’s not that serious to not sleep with someone every night. But a child who’s sick is serious and needs their loving parent, not a nanny.”
“The MIL has no business having any conversation with you about your relationship or your parenting. Of course she’d take your wife’s side.” ittyittymomma
Redditors rightfully warned this poster of the red flags of OP’s fiancee asking him to medically neglect his small child.
If OP wants to stay NTA they will need to seriously address and rectify these issues.