Many of us go around living our lives believing we know everything about who and what is in our lives.
But when something proves to be untrue, like a cheating partner, our lives can feel like they've started to unravel, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Worried_papa_1762 discovered that one of his children was not his and proceeded to separate himself from his family to give himself time to heal.
But when his non-biological son started pulling away, the Original Poster (OP) began to reconsider how he'd handled the situation.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for cutting my son's college fund off because he refuses to visit me?"
The OP recently made a discovery about his family.
I (38 Male) have three kids (18 Male, 16 Male, and 13 Female), but one of them isn't biologically mine (16 Male)."
"I found out about this 3 years ago. It was a messy situation, so I ended up divorcing my wife and leaving."
"I moved to another city because I needed time to heal."
"I wasn't physically involved in my kids' lives for two years, but I called them every day and talked to them. I also paid child support for the three of them."
The OP primarily distanced himself from his middle child.
"Here is where I know I did a terrible thing and maybe that's why Alexander is mad at me and doesn't want to see me."
"When I called my kids, I only called Sophia and Raphael (13 Female and 18 Male), because I felt uncomfortable talking to Alexander."
"One day he was angry and grabbed the phone, crying and said, 'Don't you love me, Dad? Why are they more important to you?'"
"I politely replied and said, 'Honey, look, I love you, but I need some time to heal. I'm still your father and I'll be back soon.' (He knows I'm not his biological father)."
"I talked to him through messages, because I didn't feel completely comfortable doing FaceTime (video call)."
When the OP moved back to town, he was surprised by his children's behavior.
"I moved back to my city last year with my new partner to settle down, and my kids (13 Female and 18 Male) came to visit me immediately, but Alexander didn't come."
"So I went to his mom to see what was going on, and I talked to him and also apologized for treating him that way."
"But he refused to come to my house and said that he only wanted to hang out with me and we did that."
"When he found out my wife (he refused to come to my wedding) was pregnant, he told me not to visit him again."
"Then I found out that his mom was seeing Alexander's biological father, so I thought that my son wanted a relationship with his biological dad instead, so even if it hurts, I respected his wishes."
"But then I found out that he rejected this guy. Raphael said that one day this guy was trying to spend time with him, but Alexander said, 'Look dude, no hard feelings, but don't try to force a fatherly role on me, because you are not my dad and I already have one.'"
The OP decided to try tough love instead.
"So I decided to invite him again to live with me because my other two kids live with me 80% of the time, and he is the only one who refuses."
"My daughter was born 6 days ago, and he hasn't come to see his half-sister."
"So I called him and said that if he doesn't come to see me, I'll be cutting his college fund."
"He told me to f**k off and then hung up."
"My mom says I'm being an AH for threatening him that way."
"But seriously, I don't see the point of paying a college fund for a child that doesn't even want to see me."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were infuriated with the OP.
"Raging AH. That's the word I was looking for. I was thinking massive AH but raging is much more descriptive."
"It's hard to even imagine this story is true because I can't imagine a more selfish, childish, and manipulative parent than OP but unfortunately we all know that there is no qualification test to be a father."
"OP, YTA. Beg forgiveness and start being a father to your son." - PomeroyWatson
"Your kids (blood or not) should be more important than your 'healing.'" - cooradical
"I know it's so faaaaar from the top 5 or 6 issues in this post but the new wife saw him not see 3 kids for 2 years, only talk to 2 of the 3 and she still chooses to marry him and have his child?"
"Not blaming the new wife for OP's truly awful behavior in any way, but very confused why she stuck around."
"How much healing can you do when you're meeting, dating, moving in together with, getting engaged to, planning a wedding, getting married to someone new? Save time by ignoring your children! But also make a new one."
"Solid case of YTA." - stereo_selkie
"I hate cheaters and I think there's no excuse aside from abuse in some cases. But frankly, if this is the level of empathy OP has toward a 16-year-old boy who happens to be his son."
"I'm not super surprised a situation arose where OP's ex cheated. I can't imagine he's a peach to live with."
"It's hard not to assume the lack of empathy and care he probably had in his relationship if he's able to be so selfish towards his son. He actually expects a 16-year-old to carry his emotional burden.
"YTA." - gaymooncow
Others took issue with the OP's demonstration of conditional love.
"The biological kids now know that their father's love is conditional and can be arbitrarily rescinded for something that they had no part in."
"YTA, OP. I can't imagine throwing away a loving relationship with my child over a sh*tty thing that my partner did."
"You made your son, a completely innocent party, pay for somebody else's decision to do something reprehensible, and now you don't want to pay (emotionally and literally) for your own horrible actions."
"I hope your son can find peace."
"Since you're sending him out into the world with the psychological damage of being abandoned by a parent, sending him the money you already earmarked for him is the least you can do at this point." - CaptainBasketQueso
"Calling only two kids makes me wonder how the other two kids have been treating the 16-year-old."
"Did they see daddy ignoring him and think it was somehow his fault that their family split? Are they excluding him since he's a half-brother, not a full-brother? Were they rubbing it in his face that dad talked to them and not him?"
"Teenagers can be a**holes and I can easily see a couple of kids in a tumultuous situation using the 'well, dad doesn't talk to him' justification to treat the kid as less than." - nyorifamiliarspirit
"The kids need time to heal and the emotional support and unconditional love of his parents."
"Kids don't have the internal tools developed to cope with this sh*t (most adults don't either but that's neither here nor there)."
"He just learned that his father's love is entirely conditional. Horrifying." - producerofconfusion
"Being a parent is about love. Not blood!"
"OP got cheated on, sad. Doesn't mean he can take off for 2 years leaving his son, yes his son, to deal with the fallout."
"And now he expects the son to come to him? Using tuition as leverage. YTA super YTA." - Super-Investment
Some were simply so sad for the son.
"OP understandably needs time to heal, but his son also had something extremely traumatic and confusing happen in their life as well! Wouldn't the son also need time to heal!?" - Street_Elephant8430
"The kid is the biggest victim in this. OP cut contact for 2 years, his mom lied for years, and only now his bio dad is trying contact."
"There is zero excuses for cheating despite OP being an AH, wife should have set things clear." - AngelicalGirl
"It's like OP thinks his world was the only one that was turned upside down by the revelation that his son wasn't biologically his."
"Imagine being a teenager, learning that you lived a lie for your whole life, then your parent abandon you and you have to live with the other parent who lied to you all that time, and then your dad gets himself a new child instead of you."
"YTA OP, I don know if you can ever fix this but you need to try hard as hell for your son. Cutting him off financially as a punishment for not doing your bidding is not the way." - Yellowmellowbelly
"I'll never understand parents (read: fathers) who abandon a child they raised from birth just because they find out the kid's not 'biologically' theirs. Um, so the 16 or so years you spent thinking you were their parent have been wasted? Gross."
"My stepdad stayed in my life even when he and my mom broke up briefly when I was a kid, and he'd only been my 'dad' for about 10 years (They got together when I was 2). Hell, he's the one I talk to on an almost daily basis, even more than my mom... and I'm now 38. He's been my dad for 36 years."
"OP, you are not a good man. You are not a good father. You are not even a good person."
"Know this: you have completely destroyed your relationship with your "not-son" and even if he does forgive you, the relationship will NEVER be the same."
"And wanna know why? Because every time he does something 'wrong' or something you don't 'like' he's going to wonder if this is the time you kick him to the curb."
"Do your 'not-son' a favor and give him his college fund, apologize as deeply as you can, then f**k right off and out of his life. Or at the very least, acknowledge you royally f**ked up and hope he shows you more compassion than you've shown him these last few years."
"YTA. So much the AH." - I_cant_remember_u
While the subReddit could understand needing time to process what the OP discovered about his marriage, the subReddit was furious with the OP for how he treated his son.
Not only did the teenager have just as much to process, if not more, as the OP, but the OP was inevitably ruining his relationship with his son in the process.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp