Content Warning: Grief, Processing Grief
When two people fall in love and get married, one key conversation they need to have at some point is what they will do when one of them passes away.
Some people are more comfortable than others with the idea of moving on and finding love again, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, while others cling to their late spouse’s memory, whether they want to admit it or not.
Redditor FickleTime4717 loved her husband and was aware of the fairy-tale-like love he’d experienced in his first marriage with his late wife.
But when he said he wanted to name their first daughter after his late wife, the Original Poster (OP) felt like a rebound wife and like they would be setting up their daughter for a life of unhappiness.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to name my daughter after my husband’s dead wife?”
The OP knew about her husband’s past, fairy-tale-like relationship.
“I (39 Female) have been married to my husband (45 Male) for three years now. It’s an extremely healthy relationship, and I couldn’t wish for anything more.”
“He was previously married at 35 for a year and a half before his wife sadly passed away of severe hypoxia from pulmonary edema.”
“They were dating for over four years, and according to the way he talks about her, they were straight out of a fairy tale.”
“His late wife was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy a year into their marriage and was given medication to manage her symptoms. However, she was always expecting her death even though doctors had assured her she could lead a normal life.”
But the OP’s husband never told her about the promise he’d made to his late wife.
“However, she was later again diagnosed with pulmonary edema, which was when she started to prepare herself for death.”
“She assured my husband that he could marry later on and she’d want him to lead a normal life. She, however, requested that if he ever gave birth to a daughter, the baby could be named after her, as she’s always wanted one and was unsuccessful with having any children.”
“Before we got married, my husband, of course, let me know all of the above. However, he failed to mention his late wife’s request.”
“I deeply empathized with him, and I was there whenever he needed support.”
The truth about the “pact” came out when the OP was pregnant.
“Anyhow, I’m currently pregnant with our first child, and we’re both over the moon.”
“When it was time to decide on a baby name for our daughter, he stood firm on naming her after his late wife.”
“As much as he expected it, I refused. I told him I couldn’t put that burden on our unborn daughter as to him, she’ll always remind him of his late wife, and he’ll fail to see her as his daughter.”
“That’s when he let me know of the ‘pact’ he made with his wife and that he felt as if that was the only way he could pay her a tribute.”
The OP felt deeply conflicted.
“Now I haven’t given him a response. I haven’t told him how I felt about it. I just told him we’ll see as it’s still too early to decide.”
“I genuinely can’t help but feel hurt as it feels like, after all these years, he’d still choose his late wife over me. I somewhat feel like a ‘rebound’, and though I can’t victimize myself in this situation, the way he insisted on naming our daughter made me feel inferior.”
“I also just can’t let him pay tribute like that, as our daughter will always feel like his first wife to him, if that makes sense.”
“What should I do in this situation, and am I wrong?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP couldn’t be forced to keep a promise she didn’t make.
“NTA.”
“You can’t make a pact on someone else’s behalf.”
“He knew when making the promise to his wife that any daughter would have another parent, who also would have to agree to the daughter’s name.”
“Sounds like he needs some counseling to deal with the unresolved grief having a daughter is bringing up for him. No rational person would think this was a fair or reasonable request.” – photosbeersandteach
“I wonder what made the late wife think this was a reasonable request. I don’t know how much pain she was in, but she must have realized that no woman would agree to name their daughter after their husband’s dead first wife.” – madempress
“The husband’s faking the ‘pact’ thing, and we might as well throw in, ‘And this is totally not at all about me not fully processing her death and maybe having lingering grief or unresolved feelings.'”
“Regardless of whether he made it up or not, if anyone takes these pacts seriously they should be telling a partner immediately. Not waiting until the kid is nearly born. And he should understand that a potential life partner, no matter how much they love him, may not agree.” – linerva
“My wife had a daughter when we got together, and her daughter’s middle name is my wife’s mom’s first name. We had a daughter together, and her middle name is my mom’s first name.”
“Now THAT, that is fair, even though my mom does have a southern-a** name (to the effect of ‘TammyTina,’ two names, no space, both capitalized and an alliteration, but my mom’s name is much prettier, it’s just super unique) but to name our daughter after an ex, this is our relationship, not a harem of all our baggage.”
“The fact that the husband and late wife thought that a future wife would agree to this is a bit mind-boggling and makes me think all of these decisions were made during times of great illness and terrible grief and just held onto through unprocessed grief. I wouldn’t call the husband AH, but if he keeps pushing his grief on his current wife, he will be.” – TimT_Necromancer
“Here’s what I would say: ‘I am not a replacement or a rebound, and while you may have made this agreement with her, you did not make it with ME. I was not part of that discussion, and I never would have agreed to have a child with you if you were going to prioritize that agreement over our relationship.'”
“‘Additionally, our child will not be named after or raised in the shadow of your previous wife. I respect that you always love her in some respect, but our daughter deserves better than to grow up in someone else’s shadow.'”
“NTA, OP.” – ChakraMama318
“Fair’s fair: When the OP’s husband gives birth to a daughter, he can uphold the pact he made.” – Bully-meet-Fraggle
Others were suspicious the OP’s husband was trying to manipulate her with the “pact.”
“I think he is lying. His late wife didn’t say this at all. He conveniently didn’t bring up that it was a ‘pact’ he made until op already said absolutely not.”
“Sounds like a last-ditch effort to manipulate her into doing what he wants.” – Salty_Possibility917
“‘By the way, now that a tiny human we made together is growing inside you, I made a pact with my dying wife that we would name that human after her, so we have to do that.’ – the OP’s husband, probably.” – HumanContinuity
“If the husband’s late wife had asked, he would mentioned it upfront since it was her earnest desire. He is just coming up with the dead wife excuse to remember her and avoid a fight with OP.”
“Generally, daughters are not named after wives; it’s just icky. They are a different kind of relationship. Middle name maybe is okay.” – abstractengineer2000
“It’s weird he never mentioned this before and weird his previous wife would think his next wife would be okay with that. I think a middle name is maybe okay, but I would also be careful about agreeing to use her name as a middle name because he might always call her that instead of her first name.”
“I definitely think he hasn’t fully worked through the loss of his first wife, and there are other ways to pay tribute to her, such as donating to her favorite charity in her name or buying a bench with her name on it in her favorite park, etc.” – HeloKety86
“I’m questioning if there ever was a pact. I know many people who had fairytale marriages and told their partners to please move on after they have passed. They wanted their partner to remarry.”
“Nowhere, not ever, never in any situation have I heard the dying spouse ask to have a child named after them.”
“I believe your spouse is lying to you because he still loves his first wife. He may feel guilty about falling in love again, of having a child that he and his first wife often talked of having and dreaming together about that life. There are a myriad of other issues/reasons, none of them having to do with you, your child, or your marriage.”
“He needs therapy ASAP. He needs it now so when your child does arrive, he can be there for both of you to celebrate this new life and family you are creating as one, not keep reminiscing about what this life would be like if his first wife were still in it. NTA.” – SuzanneAbigail
The subReddit felt terrible for the OP and her future daughter because of what the OP’s husband was asking of them.
Just because the OP’s husband wanted this, with or without the existence of the “pact,” did not mean that the OP had agreed to it, and it certainly wasn’t fair to subject their daughter to a life of living in someone else’s shadow.