Should a parent's responsibility to their child always come first? Does it depend on their age or their relationship status with the child's other parent?
A daughter feeling like she's never a priority to her father turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Normal_redditorr asked:
"AITA for telling my dad he chose between me and his fiancée when he prioritized her surgery over mine?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (17, female) have had a rocky relationship with my dad. My parents married after I was born, hoping to provide a stable family for me, but they divorced when I was 11 after my dad went to rehab."
"Things only worsened from there."
"During rehab, he met his current fiancée, and they later had a kid (6, female). Dad met his fiancée before leaving us. They had my sister in the oven before leaving us. She will be 7 the 24th of next month. So, yes, he cheated—it's not hard to deduce that with the math."
"Since then, my dad has been mostly absent from my life. Whenever I have important events, he either has an excuse or doesn't show. I'd estimate he's been present for less than half of my events since their divorce."
"A few years ago, I was diagnosed with scoliosis and, initially, surgery wasn't needed. However, my condition got worse and I was finally scheduled for surgery on 11/20 of this year."
"I told my dad about it months ago, expressing how much I needed his support this time, and he promised he'd be there. But later, he texted to say he'd planned a vacation that would keep him away until mid-December, just as my recovery period would be ending."
"It broke my heart, but I accepted it."
"Then, two hurricanes hit his vacation spot, so he told me he'd make my surgery. I felt a glimmer of hope."
"But then, just a week before my surgery, he texted again saying his fiancée's lung cancer surgery had been scheduled for the same day, a few hours before mine, at a hospital 30 minutes away. He said he 'might not' make it to my surgery, but with him, 'might not' usually means 'won't'."
"He added that this wasn't about who he loved more. That message shattered me."
"I realized that no matter how much I hoped, he might never give me the attention and support I needed. I broke down on my kitchen floor that day."
"Her mom is going with her to her surgery, as well as my dad. My mom is coming with me and my uncle because my dad isn't going to be there."
"My surgery is important. I started to have lung problems (because my rib cage is twisted) in April which is how they found out my scoliosis got worse."
"After sitting with my feelings, I texted him to tell him how deeply his actions hurt me. I said it wasn't only about love, but about showing care and that he'd given me hope only to let me down again."
"I questioned if his fiancée's surgery had really been scheduled last minute, or if he had known earlier but hadn't told me. I asked him to show he was my dad through his actions, not just his words."
"He responded, insisting the surgery was only scheduled the day he'd told me. But because he's lied in the past to save face, I reached out to someone who might know the truth."
"I then sent a follow-up message, clarifying that my frustration wasn't with his fiancée; it was with his ongoing absence and lack of support. I said that even if his reasons were genuine, he could have at least shown some empathy."
"I told him I hoped he'd be a better father for my half-sister than he has been for me. In a final message, I made it clear that I was done putting in all the effort to maintain our relationship on my own."
"I told him that if he wanted to be my dad, I would gladly be his daughter, but if he chose not to, I would be fine with that too."
"This was really just the breaking point for me and my dad. His fiancée has family to be there for her. I understand my dad has his second family to care for, yet I'm just so tired that I've never been important in his life."
"I'm a child and still need support from family since my entire spine (almost entire—L3 to T3—will be screwed together with two rods) will be altered in surgery."
"My Memaw (his mother) is actually supportive of my frustrations, but is trying to get me to see his side which I am. Cancer is super serious, my uncle on my mom's side died a couple weeks ago with lung cancer."
"It was heartbreaking so I know they need the surgery, but it's about consistently not being here for me. He didn't even say he would visit later that day."
"I hear and see on media that when someone goes through surgery, both parents are there because they love them and want to see them before they go into something scary (like my surgery—they are putting two rods through my ENTIRE back)."
"Anyway, I would say the idea of him just showing up for once and the effort of being at my surgery would be enough comfort for me, even though he doesn't really do anything else when he shows up."
"He hasn't responded and, honestly, I'd prefer he sit with what I've said. For once, I hope he really thinks about his actions and the impact they've had on me."
"So, AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my dad that he chose his fiancée over me when he chose her surgery over my own. I can see that may have hurt him, because the situation and decision was difficult for him and it may have ruined our relationship."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I'm sorry OP, your dad is clearly an a**hole. He's rarely been there for you, it is totally valid that you're hurting. NTA."
"That being said, a surgery for lung cancer is objectively more serious than your scoliosis surgery. Being that a tumor was found a year ago and they're now doing surgery (which you've confirmed is true information), it's likely advanced and possibly fatal."
"Die on the hill of your father previously prioritizing a vacation over your surgery. Die on the hill of him having been absent for much of your life and important events. Die on the hill of him being a sh*t father, as evidenced by so many other examples you have…"
"But this is not the hill to die on, I'm sorry to say."
"You are not an a**hole for feeling how you feel and for feeling like this is the straw that broke the camel's back. However, this is probably the one time where it's understandable he's prioritizing his fiancée." ~ whitetulipseason
"Those media-driven images of happy families and emotional moments don't always match reality. You're allowed to set your own standard for what is comforting and measure it through long-term consistency instead of grand gestures. It's OK to not have that picture-perfect family."
"A lot of people would argue that an absent or bad parent doesn't get the honour of being invited to your important moments and that he doesn't get his moment of family love to help him with his anxiety over your surgery."
"It's pretty horrible that this important moment where you should be able to focus on yourself is being hijacked by this reckoning about your dad's sh*ttiness. You can make a promise to yourself that this is the last time you allow him to take up so much space and to distract from what's important."
"It's a big grief to go through, but you're about to be a healthy adult who doesn't feel bad about her sh*tty dad or let herself be defined by him, but has her own sense of self. NTA."
"Good luck with your surgery. It's a major one with a big recovery and a lot of hard work ahead. You'll learn a lot and mature a lot from the experience." ~ YourDadCallsMeKatja
"This is a tough life lesson, but it's an important one to learn. Only give energy to those who return it."
"NTA, OP, and I wish you a successful surgery and a speedy recovery. You got this." ~ briareus08
"Girl, you father hasn't shown up for you your entire life, what makes you think he is going to do it now, and furthermore, why do you allow him to have that power over you?
"He is not your 'father'—he is the male who impregnated your mother. Stop elevating him to father status."
"This man is going to support the person who he is making his life with, not the child he walked away from years ago. He doesn't prioritize you, and he never will—no matter what words he uses or promises he makes."
"Good luck with your surgery and focus on your recovery. NTA." ~ Chilling_Storm
"A wise friend of mine once said, 'how many times are you going to keep returning to the empty well for water?' I think you already had your answer and I am so sorry it isn't what anyone would prefer. Maybe stick with the people who DO show up for you." ~ eculcheen
"Having to choose between two surgeries is sh*tty, but, as you said, it's not about whose surgery he chooses to go to, but the fact that he has let you down for years."
"You are NTA, of course—I think it's very mature of you to not hold grudges against his fiancée—but please don't be an a**hole to yourself and keep waiting for him to be a father and man up."
"He's shown you what he has to offer. It's pathetically little and you deserve more. But unfortunately you will never get that from him." ~ notsosprite
The OP pprovideda little more information in an update.
"Hello Redditors! Here is my update. First of all thank you for your support. All of your opinions mean the world to me and really opened my eyes to this."
"Here are some questions I was asked and here's what I can answer."
"'His child is in school/he has to take care of her'. No, not really, my almost 7-year-old sister is homeschooled and doesn't know how to spell, but that is a problem for another day. His bio mom (my Memaw) can take her to and from the two hospitals, however I asked that she come the day after or the next to see me."
"'What stage is her cancer/more defined timeline'. I don't remember ever being told what stage her cancer is. In October 2023, my dad told me she had a tumor in her lungs, but didn't say the stage."
"I don't know how the law works with who gets a say for her surgery, but the fiancée has a great relationship with her parents, her ex-husband, adult daughter, and her siblings."
"As far as I know (he doesn't tell me sh*t and he usually lies when he does tell me anything), her surgery was planed on the day he texted me and they had the option to choose the day before my surgery, but he said the doctor pushed them for my surgery day."
"'You have your mother for decision making'. I don't need my dad for those decisions. I need him at my surgery so I could have a cushion and reassurance he would be there for me if I ever needed him."
"'He could still very well make it'. Yes, there is a chance. But at this point, it's fine if he doesn't. I can't make him care about me or act like a father."
"He probs won't. When he gets called out for mistakes, he shrivels and goes cold.
"I told his fiancée good luck with her surgery. The person I talked to says he is saying the truth. I have nothing else for you, because he hasn't responded yet."
As others stated, OP can't make her father care. It's probably time to stop trying.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp