Should a parent’s responsibility to their child always come first? Does it depend on their age or their relationship status with the child’s other parent?
A daughter feeling like she’s never a priority to her father turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Normal_redditorr asked:
“AITA for telling my dad he chose between me and his fiancée when he prioritized her surgery over mine?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (17, female) have had a rocky relationship with my dad. My parents married after I was born, hoping to provide a stable family for me, but they divorced when I was 11 after my dad went to rehab.”
“Things only worsened from there.”
“During rehab, he met his current fiancée, and they later had a kid (6, female). Dad met his fiancée before leaving us. They had my sister in the oven before leaving us. She will be 7 the 24th of next month. So, yes, he cheated—it’s not hard to deduce that with the math.”
“Since then, my dad has been mostly absent from my life. Whenever I have important events, he either has an excuse or doesn’t show. I’d estimate he’s been present for less than half of my events since their divorce.”
“A few years ago, I was diagnosed with scoliosis and, initially, surgery wasn’t needed. However, my condition got worse and I was finally scheduled for surgery on 11/20 of this year.”
“I told my dad about it months ago, expressing how much I needed his support this time, and he promised he’d be there. But later, he texted to say he’d planned a vacation that would keep him away until mid-December, just as my recovery period would be ending.”
“It broke my heart, but I accepted it.”
“Then, two hurricanes hit his vacation spot, so he told me he’d make my surgery. I felt a glimmer of hope.”
“But then, just a week before my surgery, he texted again saying his fiancée’s lung cancer surgery had been scheduled for the same day, a few hours before mine, at a hospital 30 minutes away. He said he ‘might not’ make it to my surgery, but with him, ‘might not’ usually means ‘won’t’.”
“He added that this wasn’t about who he loved more. That message shattered me.”
“I realized that no matter how much I hoped, he might never give me the attention and support I needed. I broke down on my kitchen floor that day.”
“Her mom is going with her to her surgery, as well as my dad. My mom is coming with me and my uncle because my dad isn’t going to be there.”
“My surgery is important. I started to have lung problems (because my rib cage is twisted) in April which is how they found out my scoliosis got worse.”
“After sitting with my feelings, I texted him to tell him how deeply his actions hurt me. I said it wasn’t only about love, but about showing care and that he’d given me hope only to let me down again.”
“I questioned if his fiancée’s surgery had really been scheduled last minute, or if he had known earlier but hadn’t told me. I asked him to show he was my dad through his actions, not just his words.”
“He responded, insisting the surgery was only scheduled the day he’d told me. But because he’s lied in the past to save face, I reached out to someone who might know the truth.”
“I then sent a follow-up message, clarifying that my frustration wasn’t with his fiancée; it was with his ongoing absence and lack of support. I said that even if his reasons were genuine, he could have at least shown some empathy.”
“I told him I hoped he’d be a better father for my half-sister than he has been for me. In a final message, I made it clear that I was done putting in all the effort to maintain our relationship on my own.”
“I told him that if he wanted to be my dad, I would gladly be his daughter, but if he chose not to, I would be fine with that too.”
“This was really just the breaking point for me and my dad. His fiancée has family to be there for her. I understand my dad has his second family to care for, yet I’m just so tired that I’ve never been important in his life.”
“I’m a child and still need support from family since my entire spine (almost entire—L3 to T3—will be screwed together with two rods) will be altered in surgery.”
“My Memaw (his mother) is actually supportive of my frustrations, but is trying to get me to see his side which I am. Cancer is super serious, my uncle on my mom’s side died a couple weeks ago with lung cancer.”
“It was heartbreaking so I know they need the surgery, but it’s about consistently not being here for me. He didn’t even say he would visit later that day.”
“I hear and see on media that when someone goes through surgery, both parents are there because they love them and want to see them before they go into something scary (like my surgery—they are putting two rods through my ENTIRE back).”
“Anyway, I would say the idea of him just showing up for once and the effort of being at my surgery would be enough comfort for me, even though he doesn’t really do anything else when he shows up.”
“He hasn’t responded and, honestly, I’d prefer he sit with what I’ve said. For once, I hope he really thinks about his actions and the impact they’ve had on me.”
“So, AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my dad that he chose his fiancée over me when he chose her surgery over my own. I can see that may have hurt him, because the situation and decision was difficult for him and it may have ruined our relationship.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“I’m sorry OP, your dad is clearly an a**hole. He’s rarely been there for you, it is totally valid that you’re hurting. NTA.”
“That being said, a surgery for lung cancer is objectively more serious than your scoliosis surgery. Being that a tumor was found a year ago and they’re now doing surgery (which you’ve confirmed is true information), it’s likely advanced and possibly fatal.”
“Die on the hill of your father previously prioritizing a vacation over your surgery. Die on the hill of him having been absent for much of your life and important events. Die on the hill of him being a sh*t father, as evidenced by so many other examples you have…”
“But this is not the hill to die on, I’m sorry to say.”
“You are not an a**hole for feeling how you feel and for feeling like this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. However, this is probably the one time where it’s understandable he’s prioritizing his fiancée.” ~ whitetulipseason
“Those media-driven images of happy families and emotional moments don’t always match reality. You’re allowed to set your own standard for what is comforting and measure it through long-term consistency instead of grand gestures. It’s OK to not have that picture-perfect family.”
“A lot of people would argue that an absent or bad parent doesn’t get the honour of being invited to your important moments and that he doesn’t get his moment of family love to help him with his anxiety over your surgery.”
“It’s pretty horrible that this important moment where you should be able to focus on yourself is being hijacked by this reckoning about your dad’s sh*ttiness. You can make a promise to yourself that this is the last time you allow him to take up so much space and to distract from what’s important.”
“It’s a big grief to go through, but you’re about to be a healthy adult who doesn’t feel bad about her sh*tty dad or let herself be defined by him, but has her own sense of self. NTA.”
“Good luck with your surgery. It’s a major one with a big recovery and a lot of hard work ahead. You’ll learn a lot and mature a lot from the experience.” ~ YourDadCallsMeKatja
“This is a tough life lesson, but it’s an important one to learn. Only give energy to those who return it.”
“NTA, OP, and I wish you a successful surgery and a speedy recovery. You got this.” ~ briareus08
“Girl, you father hasn’t shown up for you your entire life, what makes you think he is going to do it now, and furthermore, why do you allow him to have that power over you?
“He is not your ‘father’—he is the male who impregnated your mother. Stop elevating him to father status.”
“This man is going to support the person who he is making his life with, not the child he walked away from years ago. He doesn’t prioritize you, and he never will—no matter what words he uses or promises he makes.”
“Good luck with your surgery and focus on your recovery. NTA.” ~ Chilling_Storm
“A wise friend of mine once said, ‘how many times are you going to keep returning to the empty well for water?’ I think you already had your answer and I am so sorry it isn’t what anyone would prefer. Maybe stick with the people who DO show up for you.” ~ eculcheen
“Having to choose between two surgeries is sh*tty, but, as you said, it’s not about whose surgery he chooses to go to, but the fact that he has let you down for years.”
“You are NTA, of course—I think it’s very mature of you to not hold grudges against his fiancée—but please don’t be an a**hole to yourself and keep waiting for him to be a father and man up.”
“He’s shown you what he has to offer. It’s pathetically little and you deserve more. But unfortunately you will never get that from him.” ~ notsosprite
The OP pprovideda little more information in an update.
“Hello Redditors! Here is my update. First of all thank you for your support. All of your opinions mean the world to me and really opened my eyes to this.”
“Here are some questions I was asked and here’s what I can answer.”
“’His child is in school/he has to take care of her’. No, not really, my almost 7-year-old sister is homeschooled and doesn’t know how to spell, but that is a problem for another day. His bio mom (my Memaw) can take her to and from the two hospitals, however I asked that she come the day after or the next to see me.”
“’What stage is her cancer/more defined timeline’. I don’t remember ever being told what stage her cancer is. In October 2023, my dad told me she had a tumor in her lungs, but didn’t say the stage.”
“I don’t know how the law works with who gets a say for her surgery, but the fiancée has a great relationship with her parents, her ex-husband, adult daughter, and her siblings.”
“As far as I know (he doesn’t tell me sh*t and he usually lies when he does tell me anything), her surgery was planed on the day he texted me and they had the option to choose the day before my surgery, but he said the doctor pushed them for my surgery day.”
“’You have your mother for decision making’. I don’t need my dad for those decisions. I need him at my surgery so I could have a cushion and reassurance he would be there for me if I ever needed him.”
“’He could still very well make it’. Yes, there is a chance. But at this point, it’s fine if he doesn’t. I can’t make him care about me or act like a father.”
“He probs won’t. When he gets called out for mistakes, he shrivels and goes cold.
“I told his fiancée good luck with her surgery. The person I talked to says he is saying the truth. I have nothing else for you, because he hasn’t responded yet.”
As others stated, OP can’t make her father care. It’s probably time to stop trying.