We've all had a loved one date or marry someone that we didn't like, whether it was an unsavory new in-law or a questionable boyfriend.
But children not liking their new stepparent is unfortunately common, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, and can cause huge rifts in the family.
Redditor Virtual-Cup-5932 knew that his ex-wife and daughter did not like his new wife, but he only recently realized how severe their feelings toward her were.
When his daughter started disrespecting his new wife and their home, the Original Poster (OP) realized he had to set new boundaries with her.
He asked the sub:
"WIBTAH (Would I Be the A**hole) for financially cutting off my daughter after she told me not to expect her to care for me in my old age?"
The OP was aware that his daughter and ex-wife did not like his second wife.
"My (44 Male) daughter (23 Female) does not get along with my wife (44 Female). We have been married two years. My daughter's mother and I got divorced, amicably, 12 years ago. My wife and I got together when my daughter was at college."
"My ex-wife doesn't like my wife, and I have a feeling that is the biggest part of it. My daughter can't really seem to point to what she doesn't like, just general 'she is a stuck-up b*tch' or 'she always has an attitude.' My ex-wife and daughter are generally both more crass in nature, and my wife is not, and I think they despise that about her."
But he only recently realized how much his daughter disrespected his home.
"My daughter recently graduated, and we have been helping her pay bills here and there as she looked for a job in her field. We usually give her around 1,000 dollars per month."
"Recently she was at our house, and she and my wife got into an argument over my daughter leaving a mess in the kitchen after she made herself something to eat."
"In the past, if my wife or I have said anything about her messes, she would say stuff like, 'God, let me eat!' or 'I was going to!' so my wife left it (I wasn't aware at this point) to see if she would do it on her own."
"When my daughter said she was leaving, my wife told her she needed to clean up."
"My daughter said she said she was in a rush, so my wife told her she should have done it before then. My wife then asked if she just expected her to clean up after her."
"Then I stepped in, and when I understood what was going on, I told my daughter she needed to do it."
"My wife asks her to respect her home, which I don't find unreasonable. My wife asked her not to talk about her sex life, not leave a mess, not be rude, and not cuss."
"As I tried to diffuse things, my daughter started screaming that I was a piece of sh*t for siding with my wife and that she was going to remember this when I am older and need her."
"This floored me. At this point, I just walked away."
The OP decided it was time for a change.
"I don't leave my daughter and my wife to 'hash it out,' but my daughter does have a key to our house, and I'm not there to monitor everything. She a lot of times comes over for food or to do laundry, and I wasn't aware of just how disrespectful she's been."
"After giving it some thought, I realized I don't want my future to be in the hands of someone else, especially someone who intends to lord that over me."
"I would never place the expectation on her to care for me, but I do feel like since she has made it clear that any support from her in my old age would come with strings, it makes more sense to invest that money, so that my later years will be paid for."
"So, WIBTA if I redirect that 1,000 a month into my retirement vs helping my daughter?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole" - dfsadfsdfddddd
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt this was a great example of biting the hand that feeds you.
"NTA. She called you a piece of sh*t while you're paying 1,000 per month in bills for her. The audacity! My parents gave me nothing during college and after!" - puzzleheadededer
"She sounds extremely ungrateful. Cut her off immediately and indefinitely. She's got a college degree. Time to grow up. Now you can show her what a real piece of s**t you can be." - Tashaaaa2021
"NTA. I do not want or expect anybody to 'take care' of me in my old age, but her general attitude would be the end of any financial support."
"You simply do not bite the hand that feeds you." - BlueGreen_1956
"She is a 23-year-old with a degree and no debt and no respect."
"I'm not one for parents who say 'my money, my choice, I will threaten to take away her tuition.'"
"But in this case, she is well set in life. $1000/month is an extremely generous gift. Cutting her off from a gift is completely fine." - whatdid-it
"NTA. Sounds like that $1,000 a month would be better spent ensuring you'll have a decent standard of living later on, since she doesn't want to be there for it." - Currentminewetwg
"She's an adult and a college graduate. With the disrespect she has shown to you and your wife, cut her off. Just tell her you're putting that money towards your old age care. NTA." - minilovemuffin
"This is what I would do. Say, 'Since I can't count on you, I need to invest in my retirement.'"
"That's what everyone should be doing anyway. Kids aren't a retirement plan. You have any idea how many retirement homes are full of people who never see their kids again?"
"A solid eight out of ten of them never get visited. And the ones who do get visited are only on special occasions like Christmas. Just my anecdote from volunteering at old people's homes." - Moonlit_Antler
Others agreed and said the OP's daughter had a lot of growing up to do.
"So your daughter made a mess, your wife told her to clean it up, and she refused, and then she got butt-hurt about it? You raised a winner there, OP! NTA." - Strange_Pop_3673
"NTA. It sounds like the daughter still has a lot of growing up to do and needs to form her own opinions outside of her mother's. Then she might be able to actually express them since she will have formed them herself."
"OP doesn't actually expect his daughter to take care of him. He is reacting to the sentiment behind what she said which is, 'If you need me in the future, I will not be there for you, because how dare you be there for your wife,' which is a really s**tty to say to someone you are supposed to care about no matter what your relationship with each other is."
"So she's going to have to deal with the consequences, which seems very appropriate." - kimdeal0
"The daughter is old enough to clean up after herself. She needs to learn how to be financially responsible now. NTA." - Express_Leading_4840
"My parents' deal was always that they would never give us monthly cash, but if we ever needed to live with them, we had a bedroom and food for free, no questions asked."
"I lived with them for a bit, and while we had our fights occasionally, I would NEVER threaten them with anything like OP's daughter. When I did move out, I joked with my mom that I needed to live alone for a few decades until she had to move back in with me."
"OP is NTA." - aka_chela
"I've gotten a lot of financial support from my parents over the years. ESPECIALLY fresh out of grad school, looking for work that could actually pay the bills. Know what I never did/do? Act as if I expect it."
"I've asked for money ONCE (a large property transaction, so more of an investment), and I never, ever, say a word about anything else or act like I just expect a handout."
"And I never do things I know would offend or anger them because they'd have EVERY right to say, 'Yeah, you're on your own.'" - jquailJ36
"OP, she's young and said it in the heat of the moment while feeling rejected in a place where she already dislikes 50% of the household so perhaps allow her a little grace."
"A little. Like $50 worth. Or … NOT dropping her off your cell phone plan…"
"Good for you for standing by your wife (who, incidentally, was in the right) and not engaging with the attention-seeking fit of an entitled ADULT who needs to grow up!"
"For what it's worth, I'd tell her. I'd tell her (without anger or attitude) just the facts, 'I have to plan more extensively for my golden years so I can no longer subsidize your life.'"
"She needs to start living in the adult world where words and actions have consequences. Starting with this right here." - Wild_Code_5242
The subReddit agreed that it was clear that the OP needed to focus on caring for himself and his wife since his daughter and ex-wife were clearly not part of their support system.
Perhaps the OP would be able to reevaluate once the daughter started to grow up more and experience ideas and beliefs that were separate from her mother's.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.