Some of us really love pranks, but sometimes those pranks can go terribly wrong and hurt people's feelings.
When that happens, it's our responsibility to make it right.
One couple recently explored what that meant on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Substantial_Camel598 decided what the best way to teach their daughter important consequences was going to be.
But when they were criticized for their choices, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they went too far.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for 'going too far' with my punishment?"
The OP's family liked to do pranks at home.
"My daughter is 13 now, and she LOVES TikTok. She'd be on it 24/7 if I didn't make sure she did other stuff with her life. Up until now, it's been annoying for me and my husband but bearable."
"I feel like this is partially our fault, as we are big pranksters."
"However, the pranks we do are harmless, like waking someone up and telling them they're a little late, when they're actually right on time, then revealing it 5 minutes later. Or making an extra portion of food for them, and then doing the salt bottle prank."
"We always thought we've instilled these values into our kids, to make sure they always have everyone laughing at the end."
Then the OP's daughter went too far.
"Recently, our daughter shattered all our rules by 'pranking' my 17-year-old son."
"Whilst my son was asleep, she walked into his room with his electric razor, and shaved off a massive part of his hair."
"He was angry and immediately went into the bathroom to see the damage, where she came up behind him and shaved a large part off the back of his hair."
"She'd set up a camera in the bathroom, and I looked at the video. She was giggling and having a grand time whilst doing it."
The OP's son struggled with what happened.
"Now, to him, his hair is a sensitive topic, as a couple of years ago, he had pretty bad hair, by his standards, and over the past couple of months, he has started to get his hair looking good and feeling happy with it."
"He puts a lot of effort into his hair and was devastated when this happened."
"He was obviously devastated and didn't want to go to school for the upcoming year."
"This year was pretty much the last year he'd have to be a teenager, because after this, he wants to go to med school, and it'll be high stress for the next 10 years."
"Now to him, his year is ruined."
"My daughter was saying, 'It's just hair, and you're not even a girl, get over it,' which made me furious."
The OP decided to give their daughter a lengthy punishment.
"My husband and I discussed, and we decided that she knew exactly what she was doing, and she deserved to be massively punished."
"We're taking away her phone and giving her a Nokia."
"We're also going to be taking away her laptop and only giving it back to work on homework."
"We've decided to block all websites other than Google Drive and her school website. If she needs to look something up, she can ask us."
"We're also going to be grounding her for the next year as well or until his hair grows back and looks as good as it did to him."
Not everyone agreed with the plan, however.
"We're doing this because we want her to realize the damage is not over with a simple apology, and his year has been ruined, and his mental health may well be down the toilet."
"Her aunt, my sister, who has always favored her in my opinion, is completely on her side, saying it's just a joke and it was funny, and we need to give her a small punishment only."
"I feel like her punishment is deserved, but now I'm not so sure, and maybe I'm being too harsh, taking a 13-year-old's phone and contact with friends away."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP's punishment choices.
"OP, I hope you see this. As someone that has had this 'prank' pulled on them by bullies in high school many years ago where they cut my ponytail off (I'm female) because they knew I always wore it in one."
"I was told by the adults in the school to just get over it. Trust me, this isn't something you just get over. It's humiliating and makes you feel like less than a person having something you cared about stolen from you and you have no control to get it back as you have to wait months, or in my case, years to grow back."
"Please don't back down on your punishment as your son deserves to have his parents have his back."
"Going too far would be to shave her head. What you're doing is showing daughter that her actions have consequences and assaulting someone for a Tik took video and laughs will have severe punishments. As for your sister, tell her you'll grab some razors and shave her head and see if she's laughing afterwards, because it's just hair, right?" - italy2986
"NTA. You're trying to teach her a little empathy and that her actions have consequences. A year seems like a little much, but I think it's fine to start that way and then let her off on parole if things improve."
"You may find it easier to enforce if you give your daughter a time box for using her laptop rather than trying to restrict use to homework and certain websites only. In that way, you're not the bad guy EVERY time, the clock is."
"This is especially true if you're really going to do this for a year. You don't want your daughter to resent you, but, instead, reflect on how her actions had real ramifications for her brother."
"Lastly, please take the time to explain to her that, unless everyone is laughing, it's not a good prank and is instead just mean." - woodchuck33
"I feel like OP did great by replacing her smart phone with a Nokia, and if the daughter insists that what she did was 'funny' they should keep it that way until she can buy her own phone AND plan."
"If you aren't smart enough to show self-control, you don't get a smart phone. It burns me when more people think it's 'funny' to do things that have been proven to be cruel, hateful, and logically a bad idea altogether because it isn't LEGAL. Messing with somebody's hair is one of those things." - SubstantialDrawing7
Others entertained the idea of worsening the punishment or offering an ultimatum.
"I feel like she should get to choose: she can keep her current punishment (no tech, grounded for a year, etc.) AND all her hair, or she can she shave her own head the same as she did to her brother and that's her whole punishment (gets to keep her phone, not grounded, etc.)."
"If she faces the choice, it might make her realize the gravity of what she's willing to give up to keep her own hair."
"I know she'll cry that she's 'a girl, so it's different!' (It's not.), but she'd be getting to choose and her brother didn't, so it IS different." - Kathrynlena
"Give her a choice. A year grounded, or at any time, she can shave her head and not let it be longer than her brothers (with the obvious caveat that the brother can't exploit that) until it's back to how it was before she shaved it."
"It's the same principle as an eye for an eye, but it's not forced on her. If she wants her hair, she takes the grounding, else she loses the hair."
"And maybe graduate the groundings. Give the laptop back after 3 months, phone after 6, etc." - axw3555
"Based on where she lives, I feel like the Nokia phone Could be the public shame. If every other student has a smart phone they're going to shame her for that. They will probably also shame her for the lack of social media presence."
"While it isn't physical like her hair, her image is still being impacted. That was probably an indirect result of this punishment." - dailysunshineKO
"I'd delete her TikTok account and block the app on her phone on top of the grounding. She can earn the phone and laptop back with volunteer hours teaching her empathy." - sonicscrewery
Some pointed out a 13-year-old may not understand the gravity of what happened.
"Of course, kids won't always recognize when pranking stops being funny and starts being hurtful and mean. Adults won't either, only difference is that, unlike 13 yos, adults usually have oversight of potential long-term consequences and can take measures to avoid those."
"OP pretending to be unaware where daughter's behavior is coming from is BS. OP, please reconsider the pranking culture in your family and start teaching your kids empathy." - drapetomanie
"To be fair, where that line is can be pretty hard for a child/young teen to instinctively know, and the way they learn is by testing boundaries and fucking up. Like your daughter did here."
"My dad's thing was 'banter' and of course I mimicked him, and of course I got it wrong and it took a couple of incidents around your daughter's age where i had to deal with the consequences of thinking I was being funny but actually just being mean before I got it, which felt really unfair because I struggled to see what was different between what I said and what my dad said."
"So yes, what your daughter did was awful and of course she needs a punishment, but your family pranking culture is not completely innocent in all this and maybe you should all lay off the pranks for a while." - Dizzy_Barber_2281
"My son is struggling a little bit with this right now. He likes to try to be funny, and that's fine. It shows his mind is working. But sometimes he gets it wrong."
"When he does, we help him course correct and explain why something he said might have crossed a line. If what he did is egregious, there's a punishment involved."
"This is normal for kids. OP lives in a house where practical jokes are the norm, so it's understandable that his daughter is going to try to mimic them and it's understandable that she might get it wrong sometimes."
"I think grounding her for a year is a pretty big overreaction. A reasonable period of grounding and making her explain or write a paper on why what she did was wrong would be a better approach."
"It seems like OP went nuclear when they didn't have to out of anger. I think OP might even be overly sensitive with this subject because deep down, they know that the daughter learned it by watching the family play other pranks."
"An extreme punishment helps signal to OP that what the daughter did is so wrong that it couldn't possible be a relatively predictable result of growing up in a household where pranks are common. It makes the fact that OP didn't teach boundaries as well as they thought they did a non-issue (because it's all the daughter's fault, as indicated by the incredibly harsh punishment they received)." - JohnnyFootballStar
Though the family didn't totally see eye-to-eye, the subReddit confirmed that the OP was right for calling their daughter out on her behavior against her brother.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp