Hyphenated last names are not a mainstream choice in the United States, with only about 5% of women choosing to hyphenate their names and less than 1% of men. The practice is more common in marriages in the LGBTQ+ community than among heterosexual couples.
Hyphenating gained popularity beginning in the 1970s and plateaued in the 2000s, but has been steadily declining ever since.
In opposite sex marriages, the majority of women still take their husband's last name, while keeping their maiden name has increased as hyphenating has decreased. In couples where spouses keep their own surnames after marriage, hyphenating their children's last name is more popular.
A child who was given a hyphenated surname turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sunseekerml asked:
"AITA for changing my hyphenated name into one?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (19, female) was given a hyphenated name at birth. My mother (42, female) was the type of woman that didn't want to change her last name and kept it while getting married to my father."
"I am their only child, and when my mom gave birth to me, they agreed on hyphenated name since she wanted her last name to play a part. My last name was Thatcher-Moore—Thatcher being my father's last name and Moore being my mother's.
"During childhood I always hated it. Kids would sometimes poke fun at me for my last name. I also thought it sounded ugly and was a mouthful.
"I preferred Thatcher alone, it went better with my name, and was better than Moore. In Junior High I began to tell people was Mari Thatcher instead of Mari Thatcher-Moore."
"When my mom caught on she'd get either very upset or very angry. Sometimes she'd yell and demand I stop. Or cry, saying she just wanted her daughter to be a part of her."
"I felt sympathy for her, but it was also my name as well."
"When I turned eighteen and graduated from high school, I was debating on actually changing my last name to just Thatcher legally. I had been in college for a few months when I decided to go through with it."
"That Christmas break my mother figured it out (not sure how, but I wasn't really hiding it from her) and she absolutely freaked out. I first thought she'd be extremely angry with me, but she was heartbroken."
"She sobbed and refused to speak to me."
"Now I have angry relatives, especially my father. He says he didn't ask for this and I broke my own mother's heart and should be ashamed."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I thought I might be the a**hole because I'd broken my mother's heart. I didn't think she'd be so upset, I just wanted to change my last name."
"I feel oddly selfish, and also my father is upset with me too."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors had mixed rections to the OP's name change.
"YTA. You didn't have to go to the extent of having it removed on your ID. You could've continued life by introducing yourself to people as you wanted while keeping your official documents how they've been."
"Your mother is a part of you/your identity and she obv felt very honoured to include her name/lineage with yours. Why should your father be the only one?"
"Assuming she carried you in her body for 9 months and birthed you, it meant something to her."
"Also, kids are bullies that don't know better. Adults don't have the time or energy to care about hyphenated last names to bully you."
"You have every right to do what you want with your life but doesn't mean you have to hurt others in the process. You're not a child anymore, you're a grown adult."
"And your hyphenated last name sounds a lot better than just any 1 of the two attached to your name to be honest." ~ lightinmydark
"All of this is just not very important. My kids have hyphenated names because their mom wanted it and I just don't give a f*ck."
"You put so much of yourself into the kids you raise, their personality, their likes and dislikes, quirks and handicaps, all of it is influenced by being raised by you. The name means very little."
"They are walking embodiments of your legacy, regardless of what they call themselves."
"If my kids wanted one, or the other, of their hyphenated names, or a new third one for whatever reason, I'd just call them what they want to be called, it's not that deep in a world where most things are."
"OP is NTA, how would her mom have reacted if she got married and took her husband's name? Like how long must she honour the legacy?"
"It's all giving off a bit of... 'These people don't have real things to worry about'." ~ magog12
"Yeah I can definitely understand the mother's POV. At the same time, I can also get the daughter's. NAH."
"The unfortunate thing is that there's no great solution to the surname issue."
"Hyphenate? Okay so that's basically one generation until surnames get unwieldly. When two people with hyphenated last names get married do we jump to 4?"
"Pick one from each? How do you pick one without upsetting a parent if they both want you to use theirs?"
"Combine two surnames into one? I currently kinda like this idea and have seen some nice examples, but sometimes it doesn't work, and most people who care about their surname aren't fans of it."
"Also, smaller issue: godspeed to future descendants trying to do research for a family tree."
"The irony is that the anger from OP's father and other relatives have probably just about guaranteed that, if OP ever gets married, ... she'll just pick her spouse's last name."
"With any luck, maybe that'll actually make the mother feel better, since it'll stop looking like OP 'picked' her father."
"I know OP was using 'Thatcher' alone for some time, and that the 'change' was just her legally formalizing it, ... but part of me wonders if she should have picked a totally new last name to seem neutral."
"Not that she's the a**hole for not doing so." ~ Reddit
"YTA. Not for changing your name, that's your right for whatever reason you want to. But for this: 'My mother (42F) was the type of woman that didn't want to change her last name and kept it while getting married to my father'."
"The type of woman? You mean a human that also cares about her name, identity and legacy?"
"You seem to resent your mother for not going along with old patriarchal traditions. But guess what honey, your father was also that type of man who didn't want to take your mother's name." ~ CrazyLibrary
"Look my maiden name is hyphenated (my Dad's surname is hyphenated) and it was unusual, sometimes challenging to fill out forms, explain this is literally my Dad's name etc..."
"However, while people botched my name all the time and in my early adulthood everyone presumed I was married and joined my name to my (nonexistant) husband's, I've never been bullied for it."
"I already know where OP is from—a place where kids bullying kids seem to be a cultural norm. I am from a place where bullying is not tolerated or minimally tolerated. So if I were OP and had been bullied, I might feel the same."
"I am conflicted about my maiden surname, but wouldn't have changed it. OP is free to do what she liked."
"Also, I personally hate when parents join their names to make the kids surname through a hyphen—they only consider the now."
"When I got married, like all my peers I would have preferred to join my husband's name to mine, but mine was already hyphenated. I initially chose to keep my maiden name for career reasons."
"However, after a while I just switched to my spouse's. Ideally, I would have preferred to add to my surname rather than a switch out."
"OP, you do you. Not even my views matter. You're an adult and you can name yourself what you like. You're NTA." ~ Kami_Sang
"Can you explain how she could have selected her own last name without hurting someone in the process? I don't really see it. What I can think of:"
"She could have maybe told the mother in advance. But given the mother's reactions to OP going by just 'Thatcher'... I think it's pretty obvious advanced notice would not have helped."
"She could have tried to combine her two last names into one ... but that's hard to do with 'Thatcher' and 'Moore' (Matcher? Mocher?), and I'm not sure it would have made anyone happy."
"Maybe, rather than legally formalize the name she was already going by, she could have picked a totally new last name—that way it wouldn't seem like she was preferencing her father's lineage."
"But for people who care about names, that's obviously an option that would please no one."
"For me, this is a NAH or maybe a NTA situation. If OP just hated her last name and changed her last name to 'Clarke' (or whatever), she'd be entitled to do so—as you said, she's an adult; she can pick her own last name."
"The mother's sadness is 1000000% understandable (although I often wonder what the children of parents with hyphenated parents are expected to do when they get married)."
"But now it's OP's family bullying her—her father and the relatives. And the irony is that they're probably ensuring that, if OP gets married, she'll pick her spouse's last name." ~ Reddit
"YTA. It is your choice and your name and you therefore have every legal right to change it to one you like better. However, it does feel like a rejection of your mother."
"People usually do that to remove the name of a deadbeat parent who wasn't involved in their life, or someone abusive. I also don't see the problem with Thatcher-Moore."
"I think that was all in your head. It isn't objectively embarassing or ugly at all. It isn't even super long and cumbersome. So it seems to me like you've rejected your mom to solve a problem that was in your head, rather than real." ~ mavenmim
OP is free to choose her name, but others are entitled to their feelings and reactions as well.
If OP's family are being that aggressive about her chosen name, maybe it's time to take a break for awhile.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp