It's not uncommon for newlyweds-to-be to make certain requests of everyone who is attending their nuptials.
There can be particular aspects they feel are imperative to the success of their event.
Often there is the choice of choosing a child-free experience.
A dress code is quite common.
And who does and does not get a plus one, and why, is always a situation.
All of these bullet points are not extreme.
But sometimes certain demands are requested that don't sit well with others.
Redditor Healthy_Emotion_8216 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to dye my hair for a wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have orange hair with a blonde money piece."
"My B[oy]F[riend] of 5 years is telling me his brother is saying I need to dye my hair for his wedding."
"I am not in the bridal party (which is fine) - just a guest."
"I offered to wear my hair up or let them buy me a wig to their liking if it's really that big of a deal."
"I just honestly don't have the time, money, or energy to dye it."
"It's going to cost major $$$ to go lighter, then to go darker it will be major $$$ and time to get it back to where it is now, especially without damaging it."
"I am getting made out to be difficult in this situation, but I really just don't see how it's fair."
"And if I say I won't attend, then it will cause all sorts of problems."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole
"NTA. Tell your boyfriend the options, and if they stop requesting something so ridiculous, or you decline the invitation."
"There are no other options - brides and grooms have absolutely no right to tell their guests what to do with their hair."
"And take note of his reaction."
"That's an indication of how he'll treat you and what he'll expect from you when it comes to his family in the future." ~ embopbopbopdoowop
"He doesn't need to know how much money or time it would take to dye her hair."
"All he needed to know was that it was disrespectful to ask her and to nip it in the bud."
"Heck, even as a bridesmaid it would be rude, but as a guest?! Come on!"
"That family and their dynamics are weird." ~ BeeJackson
"My mom was a hairdresser (and later a vocational school administrator), I've heard horror stories about trying to get a good color on any of the red-tinged hair colors, and you really can't dye it back to the same color without a lot of luck."
"Obviously some products work better than others, but if you're going to a salon with a colorist who is that skilled then yeah, prepare to pay."
"Color is probably the most difficult aspect of styling hair." ~ RainbowCrane
"It's an illegitimate request regardless of all those things."
"Asking guests at a wedding to alter their physical appearance (beyond a dress code), is psychotic behavior."
"I legit would not want people that would think it's okay to even request this in my life."
"I certainly wouldn't continue dating someone who thought this was reasonable."
"Yes, he may be clueless (rather than malicious), but that doesn't let him off the hook!" ~ CnslrNachos
"I mean, bodily autonomy is a whole thing."
"How entitled can people even be?"
"And that's before we even get to the facts about policing how people are allowed to look."
"Why is the OP's appearance unacceptable to them?"
"Why does the OP's own partner agree?"
"The cost, the effort, the time, and the potential health issues (those chemicals can damage or at least strain your hair and you can have reactions too, but whatever)." ~ Active-Hovercraft123
"NTA - absolutely a ridiculous request and yeah, your boyfriend really should be fighting this fight on your behalf, but if you want to keep the peace and be petty, pretend to agree and buy a nice lace front in a natural color."
"I wear a lace front for events and even though it is BRIGHT purple and my hair is its natural brown, people (even people who know me well!) constantly think it's my own hair."
"If you get a nice wig and style it, no one will even know."
"Then you can go back immediately to your bright hair and can tell them the natural hair they loved at the wedding was a nice wig." ~ Doingwhaticanhere
"NTA. My wife does vivids in her hair, and to do it right, that s**t is EXPENSIVE."
"And as you've said, it won't be something that happens in one shot, so it'll be two or three times that expensive to do it and get it back."
"You're not in the wedding party, so you won't be in any 'official' photos, so I'm not sure why your hair color matters." ~ WillametteSalamandOR
"NTA. I am so over hearing stories about entitled brides and grooms who are more worried about 'picture perfect' weddings than actually spending time with the people they love just as they are."
"If they don't accept you attending with your hair, decline their invite."
"You're a person, not a doll."
"I had bright pink hair for one of my bestie's weddings."
"No one cared, it doesn't stand out in the pictures."
"All attention was on the bride and groom." ~ CrabbiestAsp
"Exactly. What is wrong with these brides?"
"If you cannot be happy for a relative or family to share this day with you and accept them just the way they are, but want picture-perfection for your Instagram account (demanding people lose weight, leave them out of pics because of crutches, demand cutting hair, dying hair, covering tattoos and whatever), just hire some models and actors to be your fake guests. NTA." ~ Hjorrild
"I invested a lot for my wedding photos and do not care even a little about the photos of guests."
"I love my friends and family and I'm glad I have them, but they will sit in an album, not on my walls."
"So what they're wearing, how they did their makeup, or the color of their hair does not matter at all." ~ -cheeks
"Don't say you won't attend - put that choice back on them."
"'This is what I look like - I'm happy to attend as I am, but if the exact aesthetic of all your guests is something you need to be in control of and my look isn't a fit, I'll be happy to bow out and not attend. It's up to you, let me know.'"
"This is a bonkers request when it's someone in the wedding party - fully loony tunes for someone who's a guest."
"They happen to know about your hair - I guarantee there are other guests that are going to show up with the 'wrong' look that they won't even know about until they arrive."
"I also nearly guarantee that they'll be too busy and wrapped up in their day to give a flying F when it really comes down to it. NTA." ~ SummitJunkie7
"NTA. You are a human being, not an aesthetic."
"At least you are learning about whether or not your boyfriend will stand up for you in a dispute with someone from his family." ~ mmmmm_pi
"NTA. And tell your bf that the best arrangement is that you decline to go."
"If your appearance is going to ruin their wedding, then why bother being there?"
"Your aesthetic isn't supposed to match, you're not even part of the bridal party."
"They're asking because it's his brother, and they feel they can push their brother into pushing you to 'go along.'"
"So, just don't go."
"'That suggestion doesn't fit with my lifestyle, particularly for a few hours of an event that doesn't really concern me and I'd only be attending for (BF's name)'s sake.'"
"So, I'll graciously decline to attend. Thank you." ~ Perimentalpause
"Right. She's going to have to make the decision to not attend rather than trying to walk them over to reality and hope they understand."
"The brother is being overbearing."
"His wedding isn't worth as much as her hairstyle." ~ BeeJackson
"NTA. If you're not in the wedding, the couple has lost their marbles." ~ tifotter
"Even if she were in the wedding, it seems incredibly rude to me."
"You're supposed to want people in your wedding party because they're your friends, even if they dye their hair colors you don't like." ~ algunarubia
"NTA it's your hair, you don't have to change anything about yourself unless you want to."
"They're being unreasonable." ~ Professional_Neck196
"NTA. It's unreasonable to expect a guest to change their physical appearance, at their own expense, for a wedding." ~ ExistenceRaisin
"NTA. It's ok to tell people no."
"If they decide that they don't want you to attend with orange hair, that's on them."
"It isn't on you to accommodate unreasonable requests." ~ Sandman0312
"NTA. I saw a comment that said 'You're a person, not an aesthetic' and I think they summed it up perfectly."
"You're a guest who was invited."
"An invite should not have limitations based on how you look."
"It's odd that the men (your BF and his brother) are the ones with the problem."
"Did the wife-to-be have a say?"
"It's weird to me that just the men have a problem." ~ Animot0phobic
"NTA. I would never dye my hair to be in a wedding party, much less a wedding guest."
"That they even asked is fucking insane."
"And honestly - if your boyfriend doesn't support you then you really need to rethink this relationship because it's a HUGE 🚩." ~ Fem_Ingenuity_400
"The fact that you're not even in the bridal party and she's wanting you to dye your hair is absolutely absurd."
"Not like it'd be even less absurd if you were but I can't imagine how brides like this find the audacity to tell people what hair color their guests should have."
"1000% NTA." ~ famous_zebra28
"NTA - That family is trying to train you early to be their doormat."
"Chances are it's been going on for years, but you've successfully dodged it or just given in."
"Decline the invite."
"It won't cause problems, it will just be uncomfortable, and maybe YOU need to experience that to wake up to the reality of things." ~ BeeJackson
"NTA- what they're doing to you is body shaming."
"Part of your body is your hair and as-is your hair and how you wear it isn't good enough for them for their wedding."
"They're bullying you into making you look into what they want for you."
"And that isn't okay." ~ Somythinkingis
"Nope. NTA my sister and dad both dyed hair specially for my wedding and did the blue that was one of my colors." ~ risy189
"NTA - They have no idea what they are asking in terms of potential damage to your hair and cost."
"Just decline the invite." ~ whatev6187
"NTA. Why do they care what a guest does with their hair, in 2024/5?"
"Our wedding was over 20 years ago, I had a bridesmaid with magenta hair."
"It wouldn't have been my first choice, but eh."
"She was a bestie, it was her style (I wasn't shocked when I saw her) and she flew across the country to stand up with me."
"I couldn't tell you what color my guests' plus one's hair color was."
"Couples need to get over themselves." ~ IHaveBoxerDogs
"YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THE BRIDAL PARTY, YOU'RE JUST A GUEST AND THEY'RE DEMANDING YOU CHANGE YOUR HAIR??!!??"
"SORRY FOR SHOUTING, BUT WHAT THE F♡◇♧????"
"Good lord, NTA."
"(Not that it's right for a bride to dictate the bridesmaid's hair color, but it's double wrong to demand it of a guest.)" ~ BufferingJuffy
"It's an invitation, not a summons."
"They do not have any right whatsoever to tell a guest to make a fundamental change to their appearance just to attend their event (and in my honest opinion they wouldn't have the right to tell you to dye your hair even if you were a member of the bridal party... being a guest just adds another level of audacity)."
"NTA, and to be honest your boyfriend should have shut it down at the source instead of relaying the message." ~ yalldointoomuch
"NTA. A guest having a hair color you disagree entirely with should not even be on your priority list on the day of your wedding."
"Seriously, it could be bright purple or green or whatever you hate, and as a bride/groom, you should have much bigger fish to fry."
"I think, as a society, we have gotten too focused on the aesthetics of weddings and have forgotten their meaning and purpose."
"Photo shoots are significantly less expensive, so just do that if it's really about the pictures to that degree."
"Also, just a side note that only psychos or deeply unhappily married people spend any time looking at their wedding pictures after the initial novelty wears off, especially random pictures of guests outside the wedding party."
"Any pictures OP ends up in will literally end up in some wedding album that only gets pulled out once a decade."
"Say no, but also my advice, if they don't want you there, just let it go."
"Don't hold a grudge or clap back."
"There is zero point in escalating drama with your BF's family, especially over such a vapid silly situation."
"It's just not worth your emotional energy."
"Let them be, and trust their lives suck even if it's not immediately evident."
"No one marrying the true love of their lives cares about their guest's hair color, period." ~ Beautiful-Party-4415
"At the wedding party, I can understand being asked, but as a GUEST?"
"Hell no. NTA." ~Malibu921
"NTA, insisting anyone at your wedding dye their hair is f**king ridiculous, let alone someone not even in the wedding party. Insane!" ~ PlayingGrabA**
"NTA. F**k that!! LOLOL!!" ~ nx85
Reddit has your back, OP.
For many, this request is a step too far.
You're offering a compromise with a wig.
They can spring for the accessory if it means that much to them
It's too bad that your BF isn't stepping up for you.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp