Did you know the first computer-based compatibility dating application was done in 1959? But it took until 1994 for the first dating website to go online.
Then in 2009, the first dating app launched, although several dating websites launched app versions of their service.
With all of the computer dating iterations, compatibility is based on the information the participant discloses. So, is there a moral or ethical requirement for full disclosure?
A redditor who got into this debate with a coworker turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Deep-Season-1577 asked:
“AITA for telling my disabled coworker she shouldn’t need to lie on dating apps?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I have a coworker called Caroline, who as you can guess, is disabled. She’s in a motorised wheelchair, and can’t really move a lot, but is still very capable at her job and a lovely, fun person in general.”
“We were talking on a break about dating and dating apps, how I had never used one and how she did, talking about her experiences. Casual conversation, really, and we were careful not to go into detail or anything or make each other uncomfortable until this came up.”
“She brought up how she didn’t disclose that she was in a wheelchair/disabled on her Tinder bio because it tended to scare people off or make people uncomfortable when they chat through the app.”
“This confused me because it’s very obvious she is in a wheelchair and if they went on a date in person they would find that out very fast—there is absolutely no way she can function in daily life without it, so she can’t exactly stash it nearby or something and just sit on a chair during the date.”
“She also told me that she does not tell them AT ALL until they show up to the date and see the fact she is in a wheelchair right in front of them.”
“Anyway, I, maybe stupidly, pointed out that it is dishonest not to share that she is in a wheelchair on her bio, or disclose it to potential partners before meeting for the first time?”
“She told me that everyone on dating apps lies about stuff, so she didn’t see the big deal. I told Caroline that it’s not like hiding you have a twin or an accent or a particular way of looking, this is something that will heavily impact their dating life with you and they should be aware of that going in.”
“She’s a wonderful person and shouldn’t feel awkward about it, and there are plenty of people out there who aren’t phased by their partners being in wheelchairs, so I didn’t think she should lie about it.”
“She went off in a huff saying I didn’t understand, but now I’m worried I’ve somehow been the a**hole by telling her this. I know it’s not really my business, and I never would have told her this if she didn’t ask me/hadn’t brought the subject up at all.”
“I just didn’t want to lie to her about what I thought, and I tried to be tactful, but I think it blew up in my face.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
“She asked what I thought when she mentioned how she hid her disability on the app. I’m guessing she saw the surprise on my face when she said that.”
“I would NEVER tell her, or anyone, my opinion on a delicate matter like this if they didn’t ask me first.”
The OP later added:
“Since there’s been a few questions or comments about various parts of this I feel obligated to share more info. I apologised IMMEDIATELY after she got huffy with me, I did not just let the matter sit.”
“Whilst she is still a little bit off with me, we have not stopped speaking by any means.”
“Whilst she is a coworker, I would say we are also ‘light’ friends given we get dinner together once a week and catch movies together, share hobbies etc…, but I don’t know how well our connection would be if we didn’t see each other 5 days a week—if that makes any sense.”
“There are people you meet through work that become lifelong friends and those that are friends throughout their shared workplace, but fade after. I just don’t know where we stand in terms of that yet.”
“I have stated, and continue to point out, that I NEVER would have said what I thought if she had not asked me for my opinion.”
“It isn’t my business how she dates. I fully understand (even if I can’t relate) that dating with a disability is not easy.”
“There are a lot of warning signs she needs to be aware of (like people with fetishes and so on), and I recognise that she should NOT put the information in her bio.”
“However, not disclosing it before the first date, when they are about to meet in person for the first time, is the main point.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I worry I’ve been unintentionally an a**hole to a coworker when I was just trying to boost her confidence.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided there were no a**holes here (NAH).
“NAH. I would recommend apologizing, though.”
“Whoever she dates can decide for themselves if they want to continue seeing her after the first date. It’s not like she’ll hide this from them for 2 years and reveal it right before the wedding.” ~ its_about_the_cones_
“I think you were coming from a genuinely good place when asking about it and wanted what was best for her.”
“I can also see why she would be upset. Every person she meets probably sees her wheelchair first, and who she is as a person second.”
“A lifetime of that would probably be exhausting. Talking to someone on an app without disclosing the wheelchair may be the first time she gets to know someone without that detail being at the forefront of their mind.”
“Being told/questioned about putting that information in her bio takes that opportunity away from her.” ~ its_about_the_cones_
“She’s not lying. She’s just not immediately disclosing a disability. Being in a wheelchair happens to be something immediately noticeable.”
“Would you consider it lying if someone didn’t immediately disclose they had epilepsy? Narcolepsy? A mental health disorder? Diabetes?”
“We gradually reveal information about ourselves as we get to know someone. We all have baggage.”
“It feels a little unfair to decide Caroline is lying just because she doesn’t put a disclaimer that she’s in a wheelchair on the front page.” ~ Upstairs-Volume-5014
“NAH. You’re entitled to your ideals and opinions, and she’s entitled to hers.”
“Her lived experience is that she gets far fewer Tinder hits if she adds the information to her bio, so she opts to leave it out because she wants people to at least get to know her before rejecting her on that basis.”
“Feel free to lay all your cards on the table in your personal Tinder profile.” ~ SomeoneYouDontKnow70
“NAH, but perhaps you should apologize. You may have come off like you believe that her disability is the most salient fact about her, which could make her feel like you don’t see and/or value her other traits and features.”
“She’s not really lying unless she’s saying, ‘My hobbies include walking around on two legs!’ Perhaps she wants to disclose facets of herself that she finds more interesting.”
“This is totally different than a disability, but I do not typically disclose that I’m a vegetarian the second I meet people.”
“If they invite me to a wing place, I might disclose it then, and perhaps your friend would also disclose that she uses a wheelchair if they invite her to go to a rock climbing gym, but it’s not super pertinent info if they’re just talking.” ~ Ok_Current_3417
“As a wheelchair user, NAH. I take an approach much more like you. I don’t consider it dishonest to not mention it—if people just ASSUME that you’re an average human on everything you don’t say, that’s somewhat to be expected, but also kinda on them.”
“But I’m baffled as to why she wants to attract the kind of people who would bolt at seeing a wheelchair. Like, most of the people who would just nope out at the chair in the photos or description would also just ghost after the first date, so…”
“And what if they want to meet somewhere with no wheelchair access?”
“Maybe she would end up finding someone she actually super clicks with who wouldn’t THINK they’d be comfortable dating a wheelchair user but actually are.”
“But I know I wouldn’t find that possibility likely enough, let alone safe enough in the long term, to be worth the energy saved by being upfront about it and letting that separate the wheat from the chaff.”
“That said, if you press the matter any further, I would say that would make you the a**hole. You’ve brought up your concerns, but ultimately, her priorities are up to her.” ~ MajesticCassowary
The OP provided an update:
“We met today at work and had lunch together (as we often do), and she brought up the conversation from the other day.”
“Caroline admitted that she wasn’t angry with me but more with herself because, in her words: ‘I know it isn’t right to not tell them if we’re going to meet up, but I think it’s easier to hide it at first and judge their reaction in person. I know it’s not the right thing to do if I really like a guy, but sometimes it’s less daunting when they don’t know.”
“I explained that I understood and didn’t judge her. I just hoped she could understand that she asked me what I thought. I don’t like to lie, but I probably should not have said anything.”
“We agreed that it’s a very nuanced subject and each person with disabilities has it different, so it’s hard to say what works for each person.”
“Caroline said she would try being more honest with potential partners, and I said it wasn’t my place to judge. I wish her luck with dating in the future.”
“All in all, we both acknowledged we were both ‘a-holes’ and ‘not a-holes’—it’s a difficult subject and neither of us has a place to say what everyone should or shouldn’t do when dating.”
It sounds like the OP and their friend resolved the misunderstanding they had. Good for them.