Some people look at family and think they should stand by each other through thick and thin, no matter what.
But when it comes to lying, stealing, and never taking accountability for it, that isn’t a safe and loving family for anyone, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Mediocre-Assist3643 didn’t even know that she would have a stepdaughter when she got married to her husband, but when the teenager began stealing from her, she didn’t think they’d ever have a quality relationship.
But when her husband began insisting that his daughter move in with them, the Original Poster (OP) did not think a thief should be welcome in her house.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to let my husband’s daughter move in with us because she has a history of stealing from me?”
The OP married a man with a teenager from a previous marriage.
“Hi Reddit. I already know this is going to sound harsh, but I really need some perspective.”
“I (37 Female) have been married to my husband, Mark (45 Male), for almost five years.”
“He has a daughter, Emily (17 Female), from a previous relationship. I have no children of my own, though I always wanted them, and Emily lives with her mom across the state.”
The OP did not have a good relationship with her stepdaughter, Emma, who stole from her.
“Let’s just say Emily and I have never gotten along. I’ve tried truly, but from day one, she made it clear she didn’t want anything to do with me. She’s polite around her dad but cold toward me.”
“I accepted that, gave her space, and tried not to take it personally.”
“Then, about two years ago, things escalated. She came to stay with us for a week during summer break. During that time: My wedding ring went missing. We later found it in her backpack.”
“I also had a bottle of prescription anxiety meds disappear. Turns out she was using them ‘to help her sleep.'”
“My expensive makeup, skincare, and even underwear (!!) mysteriously vanished.”
“When I confronted her gently (and yes, I mean gently), she flat-out denied everything and sobbed to Mark that I was accusing her because ‘she’s not really my kid.'”
“He took her side. He claimed she was ‘acting out’ due to divorce trauma and being a teenager and that I should be more understanding.”
“After that visit, I told him: I am setting a hard boundary. I don’t want her unsupervised in our home.”
When the OP’s husband pushed for Emily to moved in, the OP balked at the idea.
“Now, fast forward to last week. Emily’s mom is apparently moving to another country with her new husband, and Emily doesn’t want to go. She asked if she could move in with us full-time for her last year of high school.”
“I said no. I know that makes me sound heartless. But I told Mark I wasn’t comfortable having someone under my roof who has stolen from me, disrespected me, and clearly doesn’t like me.”
“I said I’d support him in finding a solution, even renting a small place nearby if he wanted to live with her there, but I won’t share my space with her.”
“Mark was silent for hours. Then he told me he was ‘disappointed,’ that I ‘never truly accepted her,’ and that I was ‘punishing a teenager for mistakes she made at fifteen.'”
“Now he’s been sleeping on the couch and barely speaking to me. His sister even messaged me and called me a ‘wicked stepmother.'”
“I don’t think I’m wrong for protecting my peace and my space, but now that everyone is calling me the villain, I’m second-guessing. Am I wrong for not letting her move in here?”
“AITAH?”
The OP then added a few vital details, which proved to be some of the most interesting points to tackle among the OP’s fellow Redditors.
“I’ve been seeing some comments telling me to add a few points to this post, so here it is. Here are some points:”
“1. The house is mine.”
“2. No, I did not pursue a father. I found out he had a kid a couple of months after the marriage (crazy, I know).”
“3. No, she never apologized or acknowledged her behavior. I’ve never gotten my items back, and I’ve never gotten even one apology.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA and that Emily did not belong in her space.
“NTA. My husband had a niece who stayed with us for the summer at the age of 14. She stole, or tried to steal (found in her bags), quite a bit of my belongings. I refused to have her back.”
“I was eventually browbeaten into letting her come back, because, ‘she was a child,’ ‘she’s changed,’ and ‘she was acting out’ (sound familiar?).”
“Guess what happened when she visited at the age of 25? MORE items went missing, including money from my purse.”
“Again, her uncle found them in her bags.”
“When you raise a thief, it does not change without PARENTING and consequences, neither of which appear in your husband’s repertoire.”
“This will probably kill your marriage, so you need to decide. Disrespectful thief or marriage. Your call. Good luck.” – Odd-End-1405
“I would push back….. but that’s me.”
“If she made a mistake at 15, then she should’ve had consequences for that mistake at the time. You chose to dismiss her actions, enable her attitude, and essentially disregard and disrespect the fact I was the one targeted.”
“I set a boundary and let it go; you’re the one who is now ignoring my boundaries. This is a you problem.”
“I’m willing to work with a therapist to find a good solution, but you’re the one over here ignoring my boundaries and gaslighting me to think her behaviors are my fault.”
“Lastly, it’s super easy to compartmentalize and accept her as your daughter. However, I’m not required to tolerate her in my home. Accepting her isn’t the problem, and the fact that’s where you think the problem is speaks volumes about the fact that you’re incredibly enabling her attitude and using your guilt of not being there full time as a crutch to ignore her poor character and manipulative behavior.” – CatchMeIfYouCan09
“My husband and I married and raised his two boys and my daughter together. The boys’ mom was a terrible influence. She is drug addicted and prostitutes herself for her drugs.”
“The boys started stealing anything not held down. Medications, money, my daughter’s money, and even things like saws, leaf blowers, etc.”
“Because they DID had consequences for their actions in my home, their mom talked them into living with her.”
“They are now in and out of prison, both of them. Because they never learned.”
“They know that they are not allowed to stay here anymore. Visit and leave, yes, spend the night, no.”
“Their father died from complications of MS (Multiple Sclerosis) last June. I can count on one hand how often either of them has visited him in the last 10 years.”
“One of them found out that I inherited my dad’s estate, when he got out of prison a month ago. He wanted several thousand dollars from me ‘for a fresh start,’ thinking he was owed this because their dad had died.”
“I told him dad had nothing but handicap equipment after 20 years of MS. And my inheritance from my father, not his, had nothing to do with him.”
“OP, please know that you can and should have these boundaries. You need them. And maybe she’ll learn from them.” – Flashy_Height3075
“Stealing prescription meds and a wedding ring isn’t just ‘acting out.'”
“Your husband is the one who let this fester by not dealing with it two years ago. Now he’s mad at you for the consequences of his own inaction.”
“NTA.” – Jags2ooo
“He hid his child from you until after you married, didn’t support therapy to help you build a relationship, and now is shocked Pikachu when you don’t trust his daughter after she stole your ring and anti-anxiety meds?”
“He can move into an apartment with her for the year, and then she can go to college until they put in the work to rebuild the relationship.” – sarcastic-pedant
Others cringed and admitted that they thought the OP’s marriage should be over, yesterday.
“Unfortunately, I think your marriage is over. If I were you, I would very quietly separate finances if they aren’t already. Cancel any shared credit cards and consult a lawyer. If the house is not in your name, then start looking for places to live.”
“For me, as soon as he kept defending her without making her get serious help, I would have been out. Your husband and his ex are terrible parents.”
“The second deal breaker would be involving his sister.”
“You don’t sound heartless, but your husband sounds like a terrible husband and a worse father. NTA.” – tigerofjiangdong1337
“Their marriage should have been over when she found out about his 12-year-old daughter months after they had gotten married. NTA.” – tedivm
“She should have gotten the marriage annulled right then and there. No wonder the kid is having issues not adjusting to a new stepmom.”
“On the flip side, maybe he didn’t tell her because his kid has already been doing stuff like this, and he thought once they were married, it would be too late to leave.”
“Either way, he is garbage. She needs to leave him on the curb.” – Mistyyam
“The house is OP’s. The husband is a con artist who did not even mention that he had a daughter until after he and OP were married. She should have had the marriage annulled then.” – theDagman
“I think this marriage has been stone dead since the moment he finally told you about his daughter.”
“That’s not something you can just leave out…”
“I mean, how disrespectful to you (and to her, even if she is being a turd) to not only have not mentioned that, but not introduced, or have her invited to the wedding…”
“Is that his only kid? And how sure are you about that?” – Elegant-Ad4219
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“A lot of people told me this isn’t just about Emily, and they were right. This is also about the fact that Mark lied to me about his life.”
“Mark lied to me from the start by hiding his daughter, and when the situation got hard, he chose to ignore it. He let me doubt myself, made excuses for her behaviour, and called me selfish when I finally put my foot down.”
“Frankly, I think that this relationship is over. I thank everyone who kindly helped me to wake the f**k up.”
“Since the last post, I spoke to a lawyer. I’m not filing for divorce right now, but I needed to understand what my options are. I’ve started protecting my finances and getting my documents in order.”
“I have gotten messages from his family and Emily’s friends. They were harassing me for my boundaries. Thankfully, I have an amazing family and amazing friends to defend me and help me through this situation.”
“Now, with Mark. I talked to him and we got into an argument. I ultimately decided to kick him out, and I think he’s living with his sister, who called me a witch (sigh). I don’t know what will happen now with Emily because I do not know if she was the one who sent her friends to harass me.”
“I am considering reaching out to talk to her and possibly get coffee. I really want to just muddle everything down with her.”
“Mark has also been an absolute deadbeat because he has not taken in his daughter when he literally berated me for not letting her in our home. And the irony is crazy.”
“This is all the information I have right now. I will give an update if anything happens and if Emily accepts my offer for coffee.”
Some Redditors felt the OP showed Emily too much grace by inviting her for coffee.
“Why even ask her for coffee? It doesn’t sound like you had any sort of positive relationship with Emily. The only connection you had was her dad, whom you are ending your relationship with.”
“My advice would be a clean break all around, so you can move on with your life.” – Aggressive_Sea_339
“OP, unless Emily contacts you to apologise for stealing from you, which I highly doubt, do not meet with her for coffee or whatever. It is useless. You don’t need to have any clarity or explain anything to her because you are not her parent.”
“Let her dad do that; it’s time for him to take his responsibility as a parent. Meeting her will do you no good and can put you at risk of future harassment and retaliation from her and her friends.”
“You need to divorce and focus on your life. Do not care about what soon-to-be ex and his family are saying, they are just mad they have to take care of that moocher.” – Surpriseparty2023
“I wouldn’t invite Emily for coffee. She’s a child and is irrational anyway. She literally does not have the bandwidth to be in a one-on-one discussion with an adult. Plus, you are divorcing her father; it’s not like you plan to keep her in your life.”
“OP, I’m really proud of you for speaking with an attorney, kicking out the AH husband, and making this decision for yourself and your own family. It’s NOT easy to do. I know it hurts.”
“He made that bed for himself, though, and damn if you didn’t shove him down to lie on it. Well done.” – battery_operated_bf
“I wouldn’t ask her out for coffee. However, if you do, make sure to record the conversation. Also, check to see if you are in a one-party state. If you are, anything she says to you can be used against her, if needed. For instance, if she admits to picking her friends and/or family on you.” – rexmaster2
“What do you hope to gain from having coffee, and are your expectations reasonable? She has stolen from you and rejected therapy, and not even apologized to you. This says to me that she not only does not want to have anything to do with you, but her harassment of you confirms this.”
“If you are hoping to make her stop the harassment, this is not the way, and it won’t work. It will empower her by getting attention from you, and make it worse. Communicating as a reasonable person does not work when communicating with an unreasonable person.”
“Don’t feed her, stop trying to play nice, as it has gotten you nowhere. You did not create this mess, so don’t play into it by giving her the attention she wants.”
“Does your lawyer think this is a good idea, or does it muddy the waters for you going forward? Would a cease and desist letter from your lawyer be better? Or a no-contact letter?”
“Making her stop through a lawyer sends the clear message that her behavior will not be tolerated or entertained, and if she persists, legal action will be coming her way.”
“If a cease-and-desist or no contact order is not appropriate at this point, ask about sending a text that reads something like, ‘Do not contact me again in any form or through any other persons. Further contact by you will be viewed as harassment, any contact on your behalf will be viewed as incitement to harass, and legal action will be taken for either/or both forms of harassment.'”
“Her contacting you after such a text shows intent to harass, as you have made yourself clear.” – Dismal-Remote-3906
The subReddit was left shaking their heads over the situation the OP found herself in and had accepted for way too long.
It was obvious to them that the stepdaughter shouldn’t move in, but it was even more obvious to them that the OP should start over, without a stealer, possible con-artist, and faulty marriage in tow.