Another person's wedding isn't always the best time to make a part of the event about you.
That really should be cleared and discussed with all the major players.
If the happy couple is cool with it, great.
But everyone should communicate that point.
Otherwise, chaos ensues.
Case in point...
Redditor Significant-Pass-784 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for ruining a proposal at a wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So, I (27 M[ale]) am a part-time DJ."
"I mostly DJ for just family and friends."
"I'm not really a professional, just do it for a little side cash from time to time."
"Last weekend I got invited to DJ on the cheap at a wedding for a friend of a friend."
"At the wedding, while everyone was on the dance floor one of the guests we'll call him 'Kevin' approached me and asked if I could play the song 'Golden Hour.'"
"It was an odd request because at this time all the guests were literally hopping around and dancing but I was told to take all requests so did it anyways."
"When I started playing it the dance floor started to clear up and then Kevin invited a woman onto the dance floor they started slow dancing for a bit."
"A few people joined them (including the bride and groom)."
"Then at that one part of the song, Kevin got down on one knee and I knew right away that he was going to propose."
"I didn't think it was right especially because they were in the middle of the dance floor with all eyes on them and I kinda felt like if this happened I would take the fault because I was the one to put on a romantic song out of nowhere."
"So instead of letting that happen as soon as he pulled out the box, I started to play 'BOOGIE' and turned up the volume instead."
"After that, Kevin just side-eyed me and got up and everyone else sat down."
"After that nothing else really happened and the tension was very thick."
"After the wedding, no one really brought it up and I obviously thought that I wasn't the a**hole and the friend that was friends with the bride said that I wasn't."
"But then a bunch of the family started to message me."
"It turns out that Kevin was the bride's brother and the family kept asking why I did that."
"I told them that proposing at someone else's wedding was not appropriate."
"They told me that I shouldn't have an opinion because I was just the DJ and now Kevin got publicly humiliated because some people knew this was going to happen."
"So they were taking videos and live on Instagram so all their friends could see."
"I responded with 'That would've made the newlyweds hurt' but then they came back with 'You shouldn't have assumed that the bride didn't want that.'"
"That part got me thinking because I was mostly communicating with the bride about arrangements and she was very chatty before the wedding."
"But after that, she kept giving me one-word answers."
"So I assume she is mad at me."
"But then again when she paid me."
"She almost doubled the amount for what I was asking for with a generous tip?"
"So I'm not sure if the bride actually knew."
"I think she would've told me."
"But AITA for just assuming?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"If the bride knew this was going to happen and approved it, she should have told you beforehand."
"Going with NTA."
"Your heart was in the right place."
"Protect the bride and groom's day." ~ KronkLaSworda
"Ya, maybe hindsight is 20/20 here."
"But if I'm the guy proposing, I'm making sure every important person (like the DJ you're requesting a special song from) is in the know."
"Make sure one of the bride or groom tells them that it's chill if the guy uses their wedding as the spot to propose."
"Honestly I'd want both the bride and groom to tell the DJ together that it's ok."
"Maybe I'm just an over analyzer but I would be playing out every possible thing that could ruin the proposal before actually doing it and making sure those things are figured out."
"And if I can't shore it all up then I'm not proposing." ~ istrx13
"Agree 100%."
"If I'm the DJ, ain't no chance I'm honoring a request like that without getting verbal face-to-face approval from bride AND groom."
"And I want a 3rd party witness there to verify."
"Preferably one of the other vendors."
"Proposing at someone else's wedding is tacky AF." ~ REF_YOU_SUCK
"I wonder if the brother is the golden child."
"And this is the first time he didn't get what he wanted."
"This is why the bride also was so happy with OP and paid him this way as a 'thank you.'"
"If the proposal was planned, OP would have got the information."
"I guess he also got a tracklist like for the first dance. NTA." ~ EvilFinch
"Yeah, the bride's mood change is to be expected especially if she is coping s*it from her brother for ruining 'his special day.'"
"OP NTA and take that tip as confirmation you did the right thing."
"In the future maybe just for your own sanity add a question into your discussions about how they want announcements and proposals handled."
"For Eg, 'For no extra cost to you, I offer an improper proposal/announcement interruption service,' and 'Is there any particular song you would like me to play in should this service be required.'"
"Make the conversation about it with the bride and groom fun and joking but let them know you are willing to have their backs on the matter and that you will take the blame from the family should anyone kick up a stink like this time around."
"It would also be a way for the couple to let you know if they have prior knowledge of someone planning this and are consenting." ~ Environmental_Art591
"This!!!! NTA."
"As a bride, I was very clear with our DJ on expectations, including how I did not want ANY requests."
"I am a music person, and every song was picked for a reason. Call me a bridezilla if you want."
"But anyway, the DJ was so nice at my wedding and worked great with the other vendors."
"However, he still felt the need to ask my husband if he could take requests because he had gotten a few."
"I don't know why my husband of 2 hours didn't ask me or remember what I said about our playlist being every song meant something special to us."
"But anyway - he played the first request an 8-minute salsa song, and it was our first argument being married."
"My husband corrected the situation, letting the song finish, but told them no more requests."
"The next one was from his High School buddy 'Shorty got a big ole butt'... So thank goodness."
"We still argue about this from time to time. It's been seven years."
"Something similar happened to my MIL too, not the same DJ but requests got out of hand, and she cried."
"Thank you DJ for looking out for the bride."
"If this was known by her beforehand, or even if 'Kevin' told you it was pre-approved, it seems you know where your loyalties lie."
"At worst, though, just ask her?"
"See if she had been ok, and you made it worse, or if she's upset everyone else made her wedding about a non-event anyway." ~ Ok-Pop-1059
"NTA. A bunch of families may have known about this, but that doesn't make it okay."
"They planned to mess up the bride's day by hijacking the wedding for their own purposes."
"It was clearly not OK with the bride."
"The bride either didn't know or was coerced into allowing it."
"The double pay and the generous tip show how happy it made her that you messed up this plot."
"To those who wanted to hijack the occasion, you're the villain."
"To the bride, you're the hero, even if she can't publicly acknowledge it."
"Rest assured, you did well." ~ extinct_diplodocus
"NTA. On this day you worked for the bride and groom, not some guy that wants to propose during a wedding."
"If this was going to happen, you should have been told about it. It's pretty standard to absolutely NOT propose at a wedding, and you made the safest assumption."
"If the bride is upset, that sucks, but you made the right call. How are you supposed to know if it was planned?"
"If the bride knew? If the bride was okay with it?"
"If the groom was okay with it? Who the guy even is?"
"You know nothing here."
'All you know is that it's typically inappropriate to propose at a wedding, and you reacted accordingly."
"If they're upset with you, they need a reality check." ~ UsefulAccident3031
OP gave an update...
"A lot of people said to ask the bride and groom."
"I did, but like I said their answers were vague."
'Bride said it was fine, but it was probably just to spare my feelings."
"I didn't want to push because she clearly had a lot on her mind at the moment."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You did what you thought was right.
And it sounds like maybe the bride is lowkey happy about it, too.
You did your job.
Play us out, DJ.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.