It’s always frustrating when we have to change our plans.
Particularly when this change is owing to circumstances entirely and utterly out of our control.
Even knowing this is the case, we can’t help but be disappointed by the fact that we didn’t get to do something we were so looking forward to.
If these plans involve other people, their disappointment will also likely hover over us.
Redditor Weird_Masterpie was due to be her sister’s maid of honor (MOH) at her upcoming destination wedding.
However, the original poster (OP) got some unexpectedly good news ahead of the wedding.
Good news: that would preclude her MOH duties.
While the OP was preparing herself to pull out of the wedding, she was hesitant to tell her sister the reason why.
Wondering if she was handling things in the most effective manner, the OP took to the subReddit “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“WIBTA for not telling my sister I’m pregnant and won’t be able to attend her destination wedding?”
The OP explained why she needed to pull out of her sister’s wedding and also why she was hesitant to be one hundred percent honest:
“My (40 F[emale]) older sister (50 F) is getting married in early November, and I just found out I’m pregnant.”
“I’m supposed to be her MOH.”
“For context, this is my 1st child, I wasn’t really prepared yet for the positive pregnancy as I just got diagnosed with endometriosis and was about to go to an endocrinologist for IVF treatments…”
“This is also her 1st wedding, even though they already had a small civil ceremony in May of last year, but November will be their big church and reception date.”
“I’m considered a geriatric high-risk pregnancy and don’t want to announce yet, at least until after the 1st trimester, just in case things go awry.”
“She does have two adult daughters from a previous relationship, who could easily step into the role.”
“So, WIBTA for not letting her know now instead of waiting till April?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat torn as to whether or not they thought the OP was the a**hole for pulling out of her sister’s wedding, but hiding her pregnancy.
Many agreed that the OP was doing exactly the right thing by pulling out of the wedding, but while they understood why she was hesitant to share her pregnancy, they felt it would be better all around if she were honest:
“NAH.”
“Congratulations and best wishes for your pregnancy.”
“You could tell your sister now and ask her to keep it a secret, or you could wait till April.”
“I’m sure your sister will be thrilled for you and understand that it would be too risky for you to travel.”
“You may have had your baby by then and won’t want to travel with a vulnerable new born.”
“Your sister will understand and maybe you could FaceTime her wedding so you won’t totally miss it.”
“Stay healthy and take care of yourself.”- squirrelsareevil2479
“NAH.”
“But I would tell her.”
“One, so she can make plans, but two, if the worst does happen and you do lose the baby, you will have someone who knows and can give you comfort.”
“I know it’s tradition to not, but as someone who has gone through a miscarriage that was before the 1st trimester, it’s good to have some people on your side who already know.”- TheLaurenJean
“NAH, but a little bit of food for thought.”
“There’s no right or wrong way to go about a pregnancy announcement.”
“Some people wait until the second trimester and that makes total sense: you don’t want to have to give good news and then let people know it turned into sad news.”
“I think there are great reasons to go about it that way.”
“That said, it can be very, very, very lonely to carry a loss by yourself.”
“I’ve been there.”
“So I think it might be worth considering telling JUST her sooner.”
“That way, she has all the information ASAP, and if things go awry (and hopefully they won’t!), she can be there for you if you need her.”
“Again, I think you’re justified in however you go about this, but just something to think about. Congratulations!”- LuckyShenanigans
“NTA.”
“But as a current bride-to-be myself, finding out in April would stress me out quite a bit.”
“Maybe consider telling her but asking her not to share.”
“If you don’t want to, I understand, but I do think that you should give her more notice, as planning a wedding is hard enough, and having to replan what you’ve already planned and having a million other things to do is a lot.”- Soft_League_1854
Others felt that the OP most definitely would be the a**hole if she chose to hide her pregnancy, feeling backing out of being a maid of honor was a reasonably big deal, and if there was anyone the OP could and should be honest with, it was her family:
“YWBTA.”
“Look, y’all are 40 and 50, not 20 and 30.”
“If you are close enough where she wants you to be her MOH, you need to tell her you can’t. Why not.”
“You both have lived enough and have a lot of life experience to understand how these things work.”
“You can’t hold her off for 2 months by giving excuses and not hurt her feelings.”
“Provided that she can keep a secret, it’s not like you telling her is going to increase the risk of complications and if God forbid the worst happens, it’s not like you will immediately be in a place to jump into wedding planning mode and you will likely want her support.”
“Regardless of what happens, you cannot be her MOH and if you cannot be honest with her and have her respect that, then you probably shouldn’t be her MOH anyway because would you invest so much into someone you are not that close with?”- ANBU_Black_0ps
“YTA.”
“Her wedding is about 8 months away; by waiting two months, that’s a quarter of her planning time gone.”
“You don’t have to make an announcement to everyone yet, but you can let your sister know.”- cofencehopper
“IDK, I think slight YTA.”
“You don’t have to tell her you’re pregnant, but you’ll basically be lying to her for the next 2 months about your intention to be there and ability to support her on her wedding day.”
“I would personally be pretty hurt and embarrassed if someone was pretending to go along with my wedding planning for that long, all the while knowing they likely wouldn’t attend.”- andromache97
“If She has no history of telling secrets to others and gossiping, YWBTA.”
“She needs to know to organize her plans.”
“Otherwise, NTA.”
“Congrats on your news OP, take good care of yourself.”- NotaMillenialatAll
“I am also in the sort of YTA camp.”
“I feel there is a way you can tell her now that you will not be her MOH without specifically telling her you are pregnant.”
“All the pretense before would be awkward as would her finding out.”- OkraEither2528
“Soft YTA.”
“While it’s, you’re decision who and when you tell people, if it’s likely to have a large effect on someone’s plans for a wedding, the polite thing would be to make them aware.”
“If you trust her to keep it secret, can you not just tell her in private?”
“If you can’t trust her to keep it to herself, then would it be possible to come up with another reason why you can’t attend?”- carlbandit
“Slight YTA if you delay telling her.”
“I don’t blame you for not wanting to announce, but if you’re close to her, then I think it would be best to let her know.”
“I’ve had high-risk pregnancies and losses, so I do understand how scary it is to tell anyone early.”
“Give yourself a moment to process the news and gather your thoughts, and then talk to her.”
“Asking immediate family to keep it a secret until you’re ready to announce is super reasonable, but she also deserves a chance to adjust her plans soon rather than in a couple of months.”
“Caveat: if you think she’ll blow up and/or spread your news without permission, then I think it’s ok to wait and protect yourself from that fallout.”
“But if she’s good at boundaries and will be respectful, then I think it’s better to tell her.”- Zennabug
It’s more than understandable why the OP doesn’t want to rush in about making a big announcement of her pregnancy.
However, if there’s anyone she should be able to trust, it’s her sister.
Then too, one imagines there are few other excuses for pulling out of her wedding that the OP’s sister would understand quite as willingly.
One imagines after an honest and civil conversation, both the OP’s and her sister’s minds would both be able to rest a little easier.