Wearing all black for funerals in the United States is no longer a hard and fast rule. In most cases, just muted colors and clothing are de rigueur.
But what about hair color or jewelry?
A college student turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback about their appearance and their great grandfather's funeral.
No-Math2211 asked:
"AITA for refusing to dye my hair a 'natural' color and take my face piecering out for my great grandfather's funeral?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My great Grandfather died a couple days ago and the funeral service will be next week. I'm a senior in college and I'm taking off of work and school to go to my great grandfather's funeral and honor his memory."
"I live in a different state than the rest of my family, so I have to fly out there. It's a whole expensive process to go to this funeral, but I want to be there for my grieving family and see my Pop Pop one last time."
"My mother and older sister called me earlier today and told me that I have to either wear a hat or dye my hair a natural color AND take out all my face piecerings when I go to the service."
"I said no, that it's a disrespectful request to ask me to do all that."
"Pop Pop always said he loved my hair and the way I dress. I've been dying my hair for the better part of a decade now."
"I don't look this way for attention or anything. I've had a long struggle with my appearance and like myself in my body and stuff. I realize I was trans and that was part of the problem."
"It's just I spent so long trying to enjoy how I look and it seems silly to change it for someone who KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE. And who liked it."
"I haven't seen my pop pop or my extended family in a couple years because I haven't been able to travel while in college. And I'm fully independent financial wise from my family."
"My extended family haven't seen me since I started transitioning, is my point, and I'm already worried I'm gonna get sh*t for it."
"I just can't help but feel like they are embarrassed to be associated with me. My mom and my sister saw me only a couple months ago. I'm talking about my extended family."
"It's my family. I should show up as I am. Don'tcha think?"
"I'm gonna wear a nice outfit, but my mom was even policing that too."
The OP later added:
"I have green hair, short."
"I have two lip piecerings, a septum, a bridge and eyebrow piercing."
"I just don't think it makes sense to change my appearance. But if it's truly disrespectful to show up to a funeral looking the way I do, I will do it."
"I've never been to a funeral, but it just seems like a stupid request."
"I feel like, especially for a funeral, my family should take me as I am."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I refused to dye my hair a natural color and take my piecerings out because I think it's a stupid and disrespectful request on my mom's part."
"But I don't want to be the loud trans person at the funeral. WIBTA if I showed up to the funeral as I am?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not and would be the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Tell them, 'I'll be there looking exactly how pop pop loved and knew me'."
"I'll never forget the time my Papa (maternal grandfather) defended me when his wife (not my grandmother who died when I was a baby, but a woman he married when I was a preteen) laid into me about my piercings."
"He told her, 'if she doesn't want them anymore one day she can take them out and have them surgically fixed like you did with your droopy earlobes!'."
"Wore them all to his funeral, and a few years later to hers, because f*ck her." ~ KittenVicious
"NTA: as you said, your Pop Pop knew what you looked like. Green hair and face piercings don't preclude dressing appropriately for the funeral—if it's held someplace like a church, or if the deceased requested people wear a certain color, etc..." ~ Marillenbaum
"I think you can be who you are but a less amped up version of who you are, if that makes sense. My husband is a heavy metal rock singer and his usual look expresses that. At family events like holidays or weddings he tones it down."
"He can put on khaki pants and a button down shirt or a suit and tie to show respect for the occasion. He doesn't feel it takes away from who he is to dress for the occasion."
"A funeral is a somber event. Mourners usually dress less joyfully, with the intent to not draw attention. Removing some or all of your faces piercings will make it less about you." ~ Metoocka
"Dressing somberly and taking out the more showy piercings or putting in plugs makes sense. Dying your hair, not so much. Two things can be true at once. 1. Your grandfather was okay with how you dressed. 2. It's not going to be appropriate or welcomed by his other family members at his funeral."
"Toning your look down without completely removing your identity is an easy way to be both respectful and avoid drama. If drama happens after you try to be more mindful of everyone's feelings, then that isn't on you."
"You'll be able to know you tried to be an adult and bend a little to accommodate others, something we've all had to do to keep the peace. If your compromise doesn't work, the rest of the family can go kick rocks." ~ invisibleconstructs
"I'm biased as a fellow piercing/body mod person, but changing out all piercings for a funeral feels wild to me. I've been to many traditional funerals, I always focus on making sure I look clean, presentable and modestly dressed."
"Changing out all my facial piercings to spacers would take a chunk of time and probably be stressful while I'm grieving/preparing to comfort those who are. With my 'not exactly fine' motor skills it would likely take an hour to remove jewelry and switch to spacers or something." ~ gigglesandglamour
"Dressing appropriately for the occasion is important. I don't take my piercings out but I braid my weird coloured hair into a conventional style, cover up my tattoos, and wear beige and grey when the occasion demands it." ~ unlovelyladybartleby
"Amping up the formality or normie-ness of clothing can help counteract the piercings and hair. Blazer, collared shirt, maybe necktie will appear formal and respectful if piercings are left in."
"And just to address it... I'm a very femme cis woman and I consider a blazer, dress shirt, tie to be a gender-neutral outfit that looks appropriate on anyone, and something that I myself have worn to formal occasions." ~ elle-elle-tee
"I'm a fairly conservative baby boomer. That being said, I don't personally see how your short green hair or facial piercings are disrespectful to your deceased great-grandfather. You say that he loved your hair. Celebrate him!" ~ Striking_Physics1894
"NTA. It was, indeed, rude for them to even ask." ~ Flat-Replacement4828
"NTA. If you're great grand father was okay with your appearance, then you're okay. He wouldn't want you to change yourself." ~ RandomModder05
"NTA. Be yourself, learn about grey rocking, and learn the power of 'I'm not having this conversation' and walking away/hanging up." ~ GregTheTerrible
"NTA, go as you are, pay your respects, and turn away from those making a scene. It becomes about them. Unless you think your mom can force the funeral home to gatekeep you out. Best of luck." ~ Mathamagician77
"NTA, you're there to honor him. Sounds like you two had a good relationship. He told you he liked the way you look, if it was when you were wearing accessories and had your hair dyed… then why change that 'for him' after he's gone?
"I'm not a fan of saying the deceased would have wanted this or that, but when he was alive, he wanted you just the way you are. Don't change to suit someone else's idea of 'acceptable' when you were more than acceptable to him." ~ JasminJaded
"NTA. Seems like PopPop loved you as you are, and would probably have some strong feelings about him being used as an emotional bludgeon to get you to change your looks."
"Show up as you are. That's the best way to pay respects to a man who loved you as you are. It's just unfortunate some of your other family can't be as awesome as your great-grandfather was." ~ Reddit
"Hard no. NTA. It is about honoring your PopPop, who liked it. It is not about your mother and sister. Their feelings are for them to manage." ~ GnomieOk4136
"NTA. I'm a priest. Trust me: people come to funerals looking all kinds of ways. The way to be respectful at a funeral is to honour the deceased and to do so with a generous spirit. That's all that's required." ~ the-william
OP is the only one who has to live with any changes they make to their appearance.
The best thing to do is only change what they want to change.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp